Trixareforkids
Silly Rabbit
- Joined
- May 7, 2014
- Posts
- 5,789
#6 & #9 Ready to submit in my opinion, I quite like them.
Last edited:
Tsotha's bizarro tesseracting bazaar (real horrorshow)
- Thread starter Tsotha
- Start date
Trixareforkids
Silly Rabbit
- Joined
- May 7, 2014
- Posts
- 5,789
11. Writing live ready to go
Rolling down your veins,
Climbing up to your brain
Little shards of glass
Little shards of fun
Of pain
Makes you laugh, makes you cry
Makes you silly, makes you a star
Flying through the universe
So, so far.
12. Writing live. drop the last 3 lines and this is ready to go
She wakes up to find my merry letter
Which I wrote with love, and care,
Choosing words, choosing the paper,
And perfumed with sweet jasmin,
With thoughts of her, on her, and for her,
Like she deserves, like I should give her.
Except I didn't, and she doesn't.
Mean to my friends, gentle to my enemies.
How much sense does that make?
Fuck, I'm a jerk.
13. Writing live. last 3 lines are great. Maybe break them up to make something new...
He thought of love like a gentle thing,
Which all people should have,
"All should have some warmth in their lives," he said
He later wept softly, no one saw, no one cared.
A man is a fortress, a sand castle, on an island,
Where a wave comes crashing
Leaving nothing but rubble.
14. Writing live
I was a virgin last month,
And now, it seems, I am experienced.
How I wish it was so easy, in life,
To rise so in rank, in heart, in love, in all
I don't even feel like an adult, and it irks me.
15. Writing live
Time for breakfast.
Stretch your legs, your arms, your spine,
Your whole body.
Take care of things,
If there are things to be taken care of,
If not, go on,
Open the fridge, eat something, shove it in your mouth,
Like an animal,
Like the big, bad insect thing inside you
Giving you a kickstart
But stop, don't forget the crosswords,
They are important, they keep you capable
To spill words like an idiot.
16. Writing live this one makes me laugh, I like it
"Please," I said.
She ran her hand through my hair,
And pulled on it, threw me against the wall,
Put her thighs around me,
Gave me a stare.
"You say please too much, boy," she said.
I'm sorry, I guess.
"You say sorry too much, boy," she said,
"It makes you look weak and insincere."
Well, how about fuck you, then?
17. Writing live
I sat there waiting,
At the edge between worlds
Between two, full lives
So far apart, so different.
You made me feel special,
And I cared for you deeply.
I panicked at the thought of losing you
(you weren't mine to begin with).
I longed for your words
Like a child longs for a mother's embrace;
Immersed in trust and understanding,
Feeling so safe and warm.
Expecting things for which I had no right
Asking for things which you could not give
And looking for love never meant for me. Excellent!
Saying goodbye
Has never been so hard
And so painful.
18. Writing live
When you're lost in a maze
Or stumbling in darkness
Remember yourself,
Hold on to the strength inside
And even if it wavers,
Remember a candle burns bright in darkness
19. Writing live
If people enter your life for a reason,
A season or a lifetime, I wonder,
When the season is done, and winter does come,
Will she remember me with kindness?
Remind me that spring is coming,
With laughter, and bare feet on grass,
people holding hands, not chasing after
But meeting again in a nest of love
Love the thought in this second stanza, played with it a little...
20. 30 in 30 #1
tap, tap
as you wait for the queen
of hearts
fingers cold, like razors
invited, burning, welcome
sorrowing sawing
deep
distress
to give birth
to a butterfly
That's all my thoughts on this section.
Trixareforkids
Silly Rabbit
- Joined
- May 7, 2014
- Posts
- 5,789
I like #29 in concept quite a lot. But the punch is missing. The voice is supposed to show him how but all it says is "don't panic".
Last edited:
Tsotha
donnyQ
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2013
- Posts
- 1,462
Trix, thank you very much for your thoughts on these poems and for reading. I liked the alterations and the suggestions to drop lines. When I eventually revisit these poems, I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind.
Mm... If I remember correctly, my intention was that the voice assumes control, a kind of autopilot and trained responses. It's not a voice that "shows how", but that chains in apathy, or even catatonia. I see what you're saying about the punch line, though. In a sense, I felt the last two lines were the punch line — that this evil doing voice says "no need to thank me, my dear boy". But yeah, that poem can use a some rethinking. Thanks for taking a look at it.
Mm... If I remember correctly, my intention was that the voice assumes control, a kind of autopilot and trained responses. It's not a voice that "shows how", but that chains in apathy, or even catatonia. I see what you're saying about the punch line, though. In a sense, I felt the last two lines were the punch line — that this evil doing voice says "no need to thank me, my dear boy". But yeah, that poem can use a some rethinking. Thanks for taking a look at it.
Tsotha
donnyQ
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2013
- Posts
- 1,462
171. Hi Ku Cat
knock, knock
death and plight
failure of foresight?
still, in a storm
...unreasonable
...unsustainable
...irrelevant
Where is my coat?
I can lead myself out.
Thank you, officer.
172. American Sentences
ma chine
generated
h o l l o w
nonsense
attending
every rule
.
.
.
(applause)
173. American Sentences
by day, hide away; glide all the way
into night. tell me, what's my name?
174. American Sentences
wild angry sex interrupted
not the carrot; that is for the soup.
175. American Sentences
pressure dial displays: dangerous bullshit.
vent complete; drop the quill
176. writing live
Let's start a war
me on my mule
charging windmills
you pissing upward,
making it rain
inane crusaders!
cruisin' insane,
I push my barrel up the street,
you drop down Niagara with it.
Cuckoo
No wait, that was a pecker
peck, peck
kiss my
kisses, or flowers
what about the weather?
177. all of a sudden passion suddenly
Five months is the price
of admission to this park
of too many amusements,
Too much honey and milk
flowing too free, too easily
and far too many drunkards,
Nothing survives the wrong
people, but the truth is,
there are no right people.
The mystery is how things
are set into motion, how it
moves not when fingers lift,
But by following the flow,
the potential created by
magnetism of many minds,
It's perspective, all that
I have, all that I cannot
share, you cannot peek
You'll never understand
because I can't explain
what I see, but maybe
Maybe it's all right, you know?
Yeah, it's alright. Everything is right in the world.
Except
178. all of a sudden passion suddenly
Twenty days
tropicália, ai ai ai
a thousand police officers
cannot stop you when
there is so much fun to be had
exotic, moist fun
little fun
you can buy it with your wallet
anything goes, gringo
...yes, you heard me
anything you want
179. Life Is Beautiful
If a tree falls in the forest, and hits me in the head and I have amnesia, does it make a sound?
180. Life Is Beautiful
...did you drop that tree on me? My head isn't a nut. You can ask for meat.
knock, knock
death and plight
failure of foresight?
Perspective free, a monument erected for Englishmen to see.
deadly calm, silentstill, in a storm
...unreasonable
...unsustainable
...irrelevant
Where is my coat?
I can lead myself out.
Thank you, officer.
172. American Sentences
ma chine
generated
h o l l o w
nonsense
attending
every rule
.
.
.
(applause)
173. American Sentences
by day, hide away; glide all the way
into night. tell me, what's my name?
174. American Sentences
wild angry sex interrupted
not the carrot; that is for the soup.
175. American Sentences
pressure dial displays: dangerous bullshit.
vent complete; drop the quill
176. writing live
Let's start a war
me on my mule
charging windmills
you pissing upward,
making it rain
inane crusaders!
cruisin' insane,
I push my barrel up the street,
you drop down Niagara with it.
Cuckoo
No wait, that was a pecker
peck, peck
kiss my
kisses, or flowers
what about the weather?
177. all of a sudden passion suddenly
Five months is the price
of admission to this park
of too many amusements,
Too much honey and milk
flowing too free, too easily
and far too many drunkards,
Nothing survives the wrong
people, but the truth is,
there are no right people.
The mystery is how things
are set into motion, how it
moves not when fingers lift,
But by following the flow,
the potential created by
magnetism of many minds,
It's perspective, all that
I have, all that I cannot
share, you cannot peek
You'll never understand
because I can't explain
what I see, but maybe
Maybe it's all right, you know?
Yeah, it's alright. Everything is right in the world.
Except
178. all of a sudden passion suddenly
Twenty days
tropicália, ai ai ai
a thousand police officers
cannot stop you when
there is so much fun to be had
exotic, moist fun
little fun
you can buy it with your wallet
anything goes, gringo
...yes, you heard me
anything you want
179. Life Is Beautiful
If a tree falls in the forest, and hits me in the head and I have amnesia, does it make a sound?
180. Life Is Beautiful
...did you drop that tree on me? My head isn't a nut. You can ask for meat.
Last edited:
Tsotha
donnyQ
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2013
- Posts
- 1,462
181. A Poet Walks Into a Bar
Breathe
Breathe
Until that, too, is taken
182. all of a sudden passion suddenly (removed)
Hold
one hand to the ledge
another to you
(Don't) Let
go, you say
and the strain ripples
and the weight rips apart
my heart, my arm
the lint in my pocket
and the locket I keep
for thought
of the one moment
in my day; my dream
to lift myself but not you
to drop myself but not you
to drop us both and plunge
(what a drop 'twould be)
to be free
183. all of a sudden passion suddenly (removed)
(thanks Trixareforkids for the suggestions)
the surface
of the lake so calm
so calm the surface
of the lake
a façade afloat
no ripples
no sinking
no mirror
no face
no echo
no thing
nothing.
I'd rather be
a razor given wings
to cut and fly
cut into the heart
of things
and then plunge
and then sink
than to be on
the surface of the lake.
184. all of a sudden passion suddenly
a day within a day
rescued
a teapot hisses a message arrives
unexpected yet right on time
to a moment made empty yet complete
replacing solitude with a smile
love
that one word pierces hard
hearts and burns barriers
to make believe beyond reason
and bring hope no matter how futile
185. all of a sudden passion suddenly
Icarus' real story
by morning assembly
we jump with feathers
and hopes of flight
the voice of my father
urges me to climb higher
the Sun is my guide
by day the sun bakes
my skin tan and burnt
with wax and ray
my wings hold true
height does not hold me back
when I look down in pride
yet no ground beneath
only wings to carry me
in a vast blue wasteland
no legs to walk
mountains in the air
of fluff and vapor
no sun to guide me
as darkness follows
and gains inexorably
my greatest dream is
not to reach a setting sun
but to finally plunge
Breathe
Breathe
Until that, too, is taken
182. all of a sudden passion suddenly (removed)
Hold
one hand to the ledge
another to you
(Don't) Let
go, you say
and the strain ripples
and the weight rips apart
my heart, my arm
the lint in my pocket
and the locket I keep
for thought
of the one moment
in my day; my dream
to lift myself but not you
to drop myself but not you
to drop us both and plunge
(what a drop 'twould be)
to be free
183. all of a sudden passion suddenly (removed)
(thanks Trixareforkids for the suggestions)
the surface
of the lake so calm
so calm the surface
of the lake
a façade afloat
no ripples
no sinking
no mirror
no face
no echo
no thing
nothing.
I'd rather be
a razor given wings
to cut and fly
cut into the heart
of things
and then plunge
and then sink
than to be on
the surface of the lake.
184. all of a sudden passion suddenly
a day within a day
rescued
a teapot hisses a message arrives
unexpected yet right on time
to a moment made empty yet complete
replacing solitude with a smile
love
that one word pierces hard
hearts and burns barriers
to make believe beyond reason
and bring hope no matter how futile
185. all of a sudden passion suddenly
Icarus' real story
by morning assembly
we jump with feathers
and hopes of flight
the voice of my father
urges me to climb higher
the Sun is my guide
by day the sun bakes
my skin tan and burnt
with wax and ray
my wings hold true
height does not hold me back
when I look down in pride
yet no ground beneath
only wings to carry me
in a vast blue wasteland
no legs to walk
mountains in the air
of fluff and vapor
no sun to guide me
as darkness follows
and gains inexorably
my greatest dream is
not to reach a setting sun
but to finally plunge
Similar threads
