Vanilla in the Household

[LaLaLilly]

When I saw your title I wrinkled my nose like an animal smelling something bad.

My first thought: You had inlaws visiting.
I was about to express my condolences at having to "nilla-down" your play while they visited. But such was not the case.

It's like the old saying, "You can't have Christmas every day."
Vanilla is a necessary evil. it allows you to appreciate your D/s indulgences.

Yes, vanilla is a dirtier word then anything I've ever forced to come out of my submissive's mouth.
The reason I hate it so is because I need it. To thoroughly enjoy my sickest sides, I still need it as a point of reference. And I hate admitting it.

To me it represents close-mindedness. Insecurity. Archaic spiritual control. A mundane existance. (think..."American Gothic")

Nope...I wish it was simple as visiting relatives

I find that there are particular D/s that almost could make me run away from Their words alone because They are so intense. However, I understand that it is passion for the lifestyle which lends me to not. They are also the same D/s who I have learned quite a bit from through private or open conversations/comments.

I believe I know what you are saying. I was told by One that He not only detested the lifestyle but the very word "vanilla". However, since it exists, the term was a fueling point. He used it then to point Him towards the life He inevitably felt meant for and still does as a remembrance for the reasons why the old lifestyle could no longer exist or mean anything to Him. It was all or nothing and that if ever paired correctly I would gain much clarity and insight to the meaning behind the words.

 

[LaLaLilly]

I was assuming "by invitation" to be, more or less, an approximation for "you had to know somebody."
I don't like the idea of being condescending to 'nillas any more than I appreciate them being fearful or disgusted by my version of sex.

That is what I meant. And just comparing to today where one is free to explore and learn with others with open acceptance and guidance...that is all. There are many reasons why I am asking for this understanding. The internet, books, conversations, mentoring...are all good learning tools but I am one who best learns by others thoughts and opinions too. In no way is this a put down to anyone by any means...this is for me...just me

I think it's a lot more fun and definitely more open, now.
Even with years of experience, I thoroughly enjoyed reading all sorts of BDSM sites when I finally realized this stuff was actually online. I got to give a name to so many things that just were, and learned very quickly that his style wasn't the only way to go. Learning online that there could be different dynamics opened up so many more possibilities for me.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi LaLaLilly

I agree with the poster who said that vanilla and kink are 2 different things, neither one better than the other, like red and blue. Master and I still have slow, passionate sex that would be generally considered vanilla. We still have days where we're just not in the mindset and things become a little more egalitarian than they usually are or 'should' be, given our agreed roles.

I think the difference is that people who are vanilla in their relationships and sex lives are more likely to be closed minded and judgemental. Ecstaticsub made an excellent point about vanilla relationships not being passionless or boring but she is a liberated lady posting in the BDSM Forum of an erotic website. Most people in nice, normal, 'vanilla' relationships aren't half so open minded or tolerant and I think that's where any derogatory connotation stems from.

There's a thread over on the GB here about how twisted BDSMers are, how we must all have been abused as children and how we're all either bullies or weak willed doormats. They even talk about how we should be identifiable so we can be refused employment, adoption rights and have any natural children taken into state care. They see our sexuality as violent, hate fuelled, indiscriminate and predatory. These threads pop up fairly regularly and serve to illustrate what the unenlightened masses perceive BDSM to be. This too, is on a sex forum, where people might be a little more open minded. Intolerant, judgemental vanilla people are the reason why I will never be able to discuss my dynamic with Master freely or with pride. Why I will never be able to identify as an owned slave in the same way that people identify as homosexual.

So I guess it's not all that surprising that when kinksters talk about vanilla people, they are thinking of the puritanical fucktards who don't see the rafter in their own eye.

 

[Netzach]

I was assuming "by invitation" to be, more or less, an approximation for "you had to know somebody." I do remember TES (in NYC) putting ads on the back of the Village Voice back in the early 80's but that was the extent of real publicity I'd ever seen at the time. Most everything else was word of mouth. Then again, that could've just been the leather culture my Sir came up from. It wasn't nearly as prolific or open as it is now.

Well, except for the Halloween parade in the Village.

Invitation or no those are probably the people I saw when I was ten who changed the landscape of my fantasy life for good. I didn't know what they were only that I wanted to be one when I grew up. Thank God for Halloween and open minded moms.

(lest anyone think it was all leather and drags, there were plenty of awe-inspiring vanilla costumes and it was a good, healthy experience for any 10 year old city kid to go all the way down and watch it)

 

[Netzach]

Hi LaLaLilly

I agree with the poster who said that vanilla and kink are 2 different things, neither one better than the other, like red and blue. Master and I still have slow, passionate sex that would be generally considered vanilla. We still have days where we're just not in the mindset and things become a little more egalitarian than they usually are or 'should' be, given our agreed roles.

I think the difference is that people who are vanilla in their relationships and sex lives are more likely to be closed minded and judgemental. Ecstaticsub made an excellent point about vanilla relationships not being passionless or boring but she is a liberated lady posting in the BDSM Forum of an erotic website. Most people in nice, normal, 'vanilla' relationships aren't half so open minded or tolerant and I think that's where any derogatory connotation stems from.

There's a thread over on the GB here about how twisted BDSMers are, how we must all have been abused as children and how we're all either bullies or weak willed doormats. They even talk about how we should be identifiable so we can be refused employment, adoption rights and have any natural children taken into state care. They see our sexuality as violent, hate fuelled, indiscriminate and predatory. These threads pop up fairly regularly and serve to illustrate what the unenlightened masses perceive BDSM to be. This too, is on a sex forum, where people might be a little more open minded. Intolerant, judgemental vanilla people are the reason why I will never be able to discuss my dynamic with Master freely or with pride. Why I will never be able to identify as an owned slave in the same way that people identify as homosexual.

So I guess it's not all that surprising that when kinksters talk about vanilla people, they are thinking of the puritanical fucktards who don't see the rafter in their own eye.

Maybe so. I come from a pretty sexuality activist GLBT non-puritanical lot who just aren't into leather NIN goth stuff and who don't really "get the pain thing" IE. people who just aren't personally invested enough in kink to want to take it outside the bedroom and be sure that the next partner they meet is a bit kinky.

There's nothing puritanical or uptight about these people, it's just not for them. Sometimes they ask me questions about it and come away all "oh, that's kind of cool."

So by painting these people as morally driven tightened sphincters who hate us, we're helping ourselves - how?

 

[JMohegan]

Some guy successfully baiting a bunch of kinksters on a GB thread does *not* represent the acquaintances, family, and friends who have listened to me, learned from me, and covered my back time & time again.

 

[JMohegan]

I guess I am asking how everyone terms the word "vanilla", how they feel when others may use or not use the term properly, and if they think it has/has not changed. In comparing websites, it seems as though some are more strict with the usage.

I'd say that power and pain are integral elements of human sexuality, though individuals appreciate and embrace them in varying degrees. Therefore, I don't really believe in the existence of "vanilla" people.

When you start talking about BDSM invitations and lifestyles and whatnot, I assume that you are referring to a specific subset of modern culture (incorporating titles, honorifics, customs, collars, fetish clothing, etc.)

Though I ID as a sadist and someone who is very much into control in personal relationships, cultural BDSM has never been of interest to me.

 

[LaLaLilly]

Hi LaLaLilly

IThere's a thread over on the GB here about how twisted BDSMers are, how we must all have been abused as children and how we're all either bullies or weak willed doormats. They even talk about how we should be identifiable so we can be refused employment, adoption rights and have any natural children taken into state care. They see our sexuality as violent, hate fuelled, indiscriminate and predatory. These threads pop up fairly regularly and serve to illustrate what the unenlightened masses perceive BDSM to be. This too, is on a sex forum, where people might be a little more open minded. Intolerant, judgemental vanilla people are the reason why I will never be able to discuss my dynamic with Master freely or with pride. Why I will never be able to identify as an owned slave in the same way that people identify as homosexual.

So I guess it's not all that surprising that when kinksters talk about vanilla people, they are thinking of the puritanical fucktards who don't see the rafter in their own eye.

Hello VelvetDarkness,

I have seen the chattering of the GB thread. In my own life, people have made remarks where literally I have been told that the BDSM lifestyle were nothing more than a bunch of mentally demented people who were beaten or abused in some form, turning to a dark life, living in dungeons and sucking blood from their victims. In conversations with those in the lifestyle, I rarely hear that abuse of any form had anything to do with it. It just has to do with a state of being and want in their lives. We are all humans and have the same issues. One is not prevalent over the other.

Alot speak from fear and what they do not know. I try my best not to judge when I am spoken to in such a manner but it is at times hard when you feel that you constantly are. I know that I should hold on to my own beliefs and not let one's views affect my own. I guess it is an area where I need more discipline.

 

[rosco rathbone]

"old long standing tradition"???

Get the fuck outta here.

 

[KensDollBarbie]

vanilla

i agree with the idea that vanilla sex is what is right for some people but perhaps not right for all.. i think that we all need to respect others' view and pleasures through consensual adult sex. that is the key... imp

 

[desertslave]

i agree with the idea that vanilla sex is what is right for some people but perhaps not right for all.. i think that we all need to respect others' view and pleasures through consensual adult sex. that is the key... imp

Oh I wish!

During my divorce, I was advised by my attorney to behave "as close to Donna Reed" as possible until everything was finalized. He rattled off cases he'd handled in the past where any hint of non-vanilla lifestyle put custody in jeopardy. As a consequence, I erased nearly every bit of my "resurrection" (after years of truly being 'nilla) as possible.

It worked, I have my kids, but I feel that I can't live any more openly until boychild is over 18. Not that I'm inclined to be all that flagrant anyway, but I'm always mindful of the risks.