Wha-? Bisexuality is real???

[haurni]

BD, I'm not sure what proportion of bi, gay, straight men frequent glory holes, massage parlours and prostitutes but I'm scratching my head to figure out why you're citing the way those men get their rocks off as evidence that bi's aren't being trusted. You're right, if those men are in relationships, they can't be trusted. What has that got to do with bisexuality?

I wrote about gloryholes, prostitutes, etc., because I felt Dyslexicea was over romanticizing the sex drive of many men. It felt as if she wanted to dismiss Robertreams' comment "If there were persons behind a curtain giving blowjobs. . ." as invalid. That was an unfair dismissal and I expanded on his thought to demonstrate just how goofy some men (bi, straight or gay) can be about sex. It had nothing to do with how trustworthy bi people are or are not. I hope that clears things up.

Agreed. A person is either generally trustworthy or untrustworthy in relationship matters. Certainly men are more motivated by pure sex than women, and I'd be willing to bet that more men stray than women (anybody got stats on this?), but I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with bisexuality. A man who really wants to stray from the relationship will probably do so regardless of whether he's straight or bi (or gay, for that matter).

The gripe that gays and lesbians have is not that bi's have uncontrollable sexual urges but that when a relationships breaks up, it's often because the bi has taken up with someone of the opposite sex. When that happens, the jilted partner, instead of questioning the reason their relationship ended might have been because they 'spent too many hours at work' or 'never did a thing to help out in the house' or 'was a bully', they can tell their supportive gay or lesbian friends "that bastard/bitch" went off with a goddam woman/man. Their own short-comings as a partner can be overlooked by pointing to a more convenient lie: "fucking bisexuals can't be trusted".

The type of bigotry to which you refer isn't limited to bisexuals, it's in human nature to pick an easy scapegoat to deflect attention from the real issue. It's unfair and it's lazy thinking.

Wow, I think you truly hit the nail on the head with that! I would agree, when most people stray outside an otherwise committed relationship, it's often for other reasons. Straight people will make similar charges against bisexual people. "He left me for a man!" Maybe he did. Maybe he woke up and realized he was leading a lie. I know that happens. But I would suggest he was probably always gay and had been living in denial. If he's truly bisexual, I would suggest he got tired of her crap and checked out of the relationship before he decided to on another partner of either sex.

I concur. There may be instances where someone was not being honest with themselves (or their partner) about their orientation, but that shouldn't be (much of) an issue for bisexuals except insofar as they might want to experiment.

You'd think that people in relationships with bisexuals would fear that their lover has double the normal chances of leaving them because there are double the number of other potential partners out there, but I wonder if it's not really just about binary thinking - in this case, the hetero/homo orientation binary. In other words, a big fear about bi people for their partners may be that they could get ditched for the other sex because bis are 'really' the orientation that's opposite to the relationship they're currently in. That is, a bi women will leave a lesbian relationship for a man, or a bi man will leave a hetero relationship for a gay one, or what have you. So I suggest that it's not about the trustworthiness of the person or the strength of the relationship and communication, but a fear that "I'm not really the type of person they want to be with."

 

[stickygirl]

It has to be the case that, where bi's can choose from double the pool of potential partners and be hit-on, wooed? by twice as many people, that the chances they will stray will increase as well.... I can't see a nice way of putting that.

 

[Dyslexicea]

As a man, I would suggest you're guilty of over romanticizing sex for a lot of men. I won't qualify it and say "most men" only "a lot of men." I know too many men who will fuck any woman willing to have them. Additionally, I've been to too many adult theaters, gloryholes and baths and have seen too many men of all different walks of life ready, willing and needful of someone else to participate in their orgasm. As further evidence of my position: there's a reason why prostitutes, strip clubs, phone sex lines and massage parlors that feature happy endings stay in business, because some guys want the thrill of an orgasm for whatever reasons they have. And there's enough guys willing to pay for those things that those businesses A) remain open and B) flourish.

Bi, gay or straight, there are lots of guys willing to do exactly as Robertreams suggests - stick their dick through a hole in the wall and let their imaginations take over. Take it from someone who has enjoyed being on both sides of those holes in the wall.

I didn't say some men don't treat sex very shallowly, nor their pickup partners the same way, nor that some men care little about anything other than sex but that is not the vast majority of men!

It's one thing for men to have a cock fetish, it's another for him to be truly bisexual. In my opinion a person who wants sex with someone of their own gender and then says they can never be emotionally involved with that person, in many cases, is still trapped by homophobia because they are still afraid of what society is going to think of them.

As far as Robertreams "Like the writer above, I have no desire to set up housekeeping with a man, or kiss him. But I'll suck his dick and probably fuck him if he wants." too many bisexuals aren't honest up front about it being only sex, speaking just about men, most gay men I know want more than fuck em and leave em and double so for most lesbians. Yes there is a segment of the gay population which is very promiscuous, one of the reason, along with not using protection, for the recent raise of HIV in the gay community.

Are most bisexuals like Robertreams, or even yourself, who don't want emotional involvement, I have no idea, due to the invisibility of so many bisexuals, especially male bisexuals. If I judged from the lit LGBT board I'd have to conclude most wouldn't be candidates for a good relationship and not because they're to sexual it's because they aren't emotionally available.

The gripe that gays and lesbians have is not that bi's have uncontrollable sexual urges but that when a relationships breaks up, it's often because the bi has taken up with someone of the opposite sex. When that happens, the jilted partner, instead of questioning the reason their relationship ended might have been because they 'spent too many hours at work' or 'never did a thing to help out in the house' or 'was a bully', they can tell their supportive gay or lesbian friends "that bastard/bitch" went off with a goddam woman/man. Their own short-comings as a partner can be overlooked by pointing to a more convenient lie: "fucking bisexuals can't be trusted".

Although I agree with you for the most part, I know how hard the outside world is for those of us living as same sex couples and with enough outside pressure especially from family it's easier for a bisexual to leave for a man, rather than work out the problems during hard times. Beside, as illogical as this is, it would hurt more if Jessie left me for a man than another woman. Of course it shouldn't make a difference but it somehow does. I think both of these are exactly why most of us tend not to want to take the risk of being emotionally involved with a bisexual woman, I'm guessing for a gay man it's the same.

I'm not anti-bi, I've had casual sex with a number, I've dated a few, I even had an emotional(strong friendship) sexual relationship with a married bi and her husband also became a friend, I even had an almost year long relationship with another, if I had fallen in love with her I would have tried to make it work. Most were honest and up front about their sexuality but not all.

 

[stickygirl]

Although I agree with you for the most part, I know how hard the outside world is for those of us living as same sex couples and with enough outside pressure especially from family it's easier for a bisexual to leave for a man, rather than work out the problems during hard times.

One can't help but make generalisations in this context...

Besides, as illogical as this is, it would hurt more if Jessie left me for a man than another woman. Of course it shouldn't make a difference but it somehow does.

Maybe because, along with all the other hurt that must follow a break-up, there's a sense that your partner was faking it all along and that would be emphasised if they swapped ships?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I truly appreciate the thoughtful comments and considerations everyone has posted in this thread.

Being emotionally available to someone is a HUGE issue. There are lots of bisexual men who are cock-whores. I wouldn't classify them as being emotionally available for a deep, meaningful relationship. Would I classify them as bisexual? Yeah, I think they should own up to the fact that they ARE bisexual, even if they are NOT willing to make themselves emotionally available to another man.

I guess I would qualify for that, too. I enjoy having sex with men for the joy of sex with another man. I like the feel of another man's dick. It is, admittedly, a sex thing for me and not a emotional "making love" sort of ordeal. Kissing other men has always felt weird to me.

I believe I would be disingenuous to the greater LGBT community if I didn't self-identify myself as "bisexual," because I am truly willing to have sex with members of either gender (as well as mixed gender and trans-gender people). I do, however, have my personal preferences for life partners. At present, that's limited to women. It always has been and I anticipate that will never change. But I'm disingenuous if I don't acknowledge my willingness to have sex with another man.

I suspect that most men relate to sex differently than most women. It feels trite to suggest that women need a more emotional connection for sex to feel fulfilling. I won't conjecture how true that is, because I'm not a woman. I'll only point out that I'm willing to accept there being a gender based difference.

In my perfect world, men or women who have sex with other members of their gender would feel welcomed to identify themselves as bisexual. The limits these people might put on their emotional availability would be irrelevant. If someone is keeping score, I have had more cheap and meaningless sex with women than I have with other men. I'd like to believe we joined up to fulfill a basic human desire.

Do bisexuals face greater temptations than our straight or L/G brethren? I don't now. Maybe. I don't think so, but maybe. I'll concede that point. It's sometimes difficult for me to do without dick. I enjoy dick and miss having it if I'm in a heterosexual relationship. However, do I miss dick enough to cheat on my heterosexual partner? No, I don't. But's that me and I'm far from a one-size-fits-most person.

Even with that said, do I believe bisexuals are fundamentally untrustworthy? No, I do not. Affairs of the heart would be much different than affairs of whimsy. I can resist "whimsy." I cannot, however, reject my heart.

 

[PricelessT]

Agreed. A person is either generally trustworthy or untrustworthy in relationship matters. Certainly men are more motivated by pure sex than women, and I'd be willing to bet that more men stray than women (anybody got stats on this?), but I don't think that necessarily has anything to do with bisexuality. A man who really wants to stray from the relationship will probably do so regardless of whether he's straight or bi (or gay, for that matter).


I concur. There may be instances where someone was not being honest with themselves (or their partner) about their orientation, but that shouldn't be (much of) an issue for bisexuals except insofar as they might want to experiment.

You'd think that people in relationships with bisexuals would fear that their lover has double the normal chances of leaving them because there are double the number of other potential partners out there, but I wonder if it's not really just about binary thinking - in this case, the hetero/homo orientation binary. In other words, a big fear about bi people for their partners may be that they could get ditched for the other sex because bis are 'really' the orientation that's opposite to the relationship they're currently in. That is, a bi women will leave a lesbian relationship for a man, or a bi man will leave a hetero relationship for a gay one, or what have you. So I suggest that it's not about the trustworthiness of the person or the strength of the relationship and communication, but a fear that "I'm not really the type of person they want to be with."

Hmm, I think we have to keep in mind that bisexual people can romantically/sexually prefer one sex over the other. In some cases, they romantically prefer one sex and sexually prefer the other. Some bisexual people even state that they have phases where they desire one sex more than the other. And the vast majority of studies out there on bisexuality indicate that the vast majority of bisexual people are not equally romantically/sexually attracted to both sexes. BuckyDuckman touched on his preferences in his 02:18 AM post.

So I definitely think that it can be a challenge for a bisexual person to be in a romance with a sex/gender that they don't favor as much as the other sex/gender. But do I think that this automatically means that the bisexual person is likely to cheat? No. Like others have stated, that has more to do with the non-sexuality aspect of that person's personality, such as whether that person is trust-worthy when it comes to romantic relationships, than it does with their sexual orientation.

 

[stickygirl]

Hmm, I think we have to keep in mind that bisexual people can romantically/sexually prefer one sex over the other. In some cases, they romantically prefer one sex and sexually prefer the other. Some bisexual people even state that they have phases where they desire one sex more than the other. And the vast majority of studies out there on bisexuality indicate that the vast majority of bisexual people are not equally romantically/sexually attracted to both sexes.

That makes sense to me - I go falling in love with anyone and everyone or at least, find myself having that initial 'burst' of attraction that probably makes my pupils go like saucers. But I don't always get that follow-up feeling of sexual attraction.
Slightly off-topic, but I wonder if the emo/sex balance gets skewed by negative experiences? I've heard about gay men and lesbians who are pretty antagonistic toward the opposite sex. People learn to hate each other.

 

[stickygirl]

Perhaps this is a good sign off for this thread?
http://youtu.be/tqH2MluMSPE

 

[gcs2718]

Straight, Bi, Gay. Sex or emotion? Personally, I believe that your sexual orientation is more about emotion than cumming hard. I love a women. But I want to suck a cock. Does that make me gay? I can't see my self in a loving relationship with a guy. The idea of kissing a guy does nothing for me. I have kissed a guy and it was eh. Now when I kissed his wife, that got my mind spinning. Licking pussy, very sexy. Sucking cock, hot. Going to Pottery Barn with my best friend, Nah. Suck his dick, OK. Sex vs. Emotion. How do you define Sexual Preference? My preference and 'orientation' is straight. Cocks, not the guys attached to them.

You're describing me.