What are your goals?

[intothewoods]

It's not a competition. Just find what works for you. If that has a label attached to it, then fine. If not, still fine. Again, the motivation isn't that important, it's just accepting that it's what works for you.

I get that, I do. What I actually meant by that comment is really that I know right now things are in flux, and I am curious to see how I will feel when things settle down.

As an aside though, I do find that sometimes in the kinky community, it feels as though it is all or nothing. And what I mean by that is that there aren't a lot of vanilla folks who are super open about sex, and into exploration. Likewise, I sometimes find it hard to find a kinky person who isn't into pushing boundaries in every freaking area of their life (and ya know, I'm sorta conservative in some areas). Just musing on different communities right now. I know I will forge my own path, and I am, but it would be nice if there was a bit more fluidity in the kink community, though part of the problem is that anyone who isn't uptight about sex is often marginalized in this country.

 

[FungiUg]

I do find that sometimes in the kinky community, it feels as though it is all or nothing.

Agreed. But mostly true of every community I think. Human nature.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am not meaning to insult, but I am meaning to point out a difference. I remained single and not in a live in relationship by choice for a long time after my divorce (16 years actually) and it wasn't because I didn't meet and date some really great guys, or get great offers of marriage etc. In fact a couple of them I could have had a very happy life with on various levels...if I didn't need to have D/s 24/7 as part of it. That is a difference between you and I and does not mean one is better than the other, just different.

Just as I pointed out in my analogy, many people will comment about someone who suicides as being silly and then reference how much worse off they themselves are and look, they haven't suicided have they?...it is an empty argument because neither situation is a competition, but both situations do differ based on the needs and situations of those involved....if the person who is making such a comment had hit the place the suicide victim had and reacted in their way, been in their shoes so to speak, obviously they wouldn't be alive either....bottom line is though they haven't.

You admit you love your vanilla relationship and vanilla life enough to stay with it and not be 24/7 D/s which you admit you do not really want, and I am happy you are happy and content with that....that is not me as I was never happy with a vanilla life or relationship. I had been in a relationship for 5 years with someone who was a great match for me in many ways, and he was even kinky to some extent and willing to try anything, but it wasn't enough and I knew it so I left the relationship as difficult as it was, and went in search of what I needed. I had to choose to leave as I knew it would not work for me to stay....with you it works. Do I miss aspects of that relationship at times? Yes, but not enough to forgo a D/s relationship 24/7.

I also could never live the choice you have made as for one thing I just don't have enough energy or time to devote to 2 intimate relationships, nor do I want to. I wanted and needed 24/7 M/s as a lifestyle and relationship choice, and in a way in which it encompassed every moment of my day, even when asleep, and I set out to find it without letting myself fall into previous traps of believing it could work with a mainstream person when I already found out the hard way it didn't...just like in the thread about whether you would marry your soulmate if they were vanilla...as I said there, no I wouldn't because they would not be my soulmate...you feel differently and that is OK for you, but not for me. I actually envy you for being able to remain happily married to the one you married 20 years ago and had children with...it is an ideal I would have loved as a reality, but it wasn't my reality unfortunately. I am sorry if it offends you as I am not offended or insulted that you are happy to live in the situation you are in, just it wouldn't fit me, nor do I believe I should try and make it fit me when I don't have to just as I don't expect you to leave your marriage and live as I do as it wouldn't fit you and you don't have to.

Catalina

I am not at all offended by your relationship. I honestly admire your devotion to both F and the dynamics of the relationship. What I sometimes feel from you both in your first comment on this thread and others is that people like myself who aren't in a full-time living with each other D/s or M/s relationship are just "playing". Sort of like though I would like a deeper more controlling D/s relationship in theory but my reality won't allow that I really don't want it. I fully understand and agree that there is a huge difference in how you are living your life and mine and that you aren't saying one is better or worse. It is that often you come off as very defensive of your relationship and condescending of ones that are not full-time. That is why I was a bit offended by your analogy.

Cutiemouse--sorry if this has been a highjack of your thread...

 

[ecstaticsub]

I get that, I do. What I actually meant by that comment is really that I know right now things are in flux, and I am curious to see how I will feel when things settle down.

As an aside though, I do find that sometimes in the kinky community, it feels as though it is all or nothing. And what I mean by that is that there aren't a lot of vanilla folks who are super open about sex, and into exploration. Likewise, I sometimes find it hard to find a kinky person who isn't into pushing boundaries in every freaking area of their life (and ya know, I'm sorta conservative in some areas). Just musing on different communities right now. I know I will forge my own path, and I am, but it would be nice if there was a bit more fluidity in the kink community, though part of the problem is that anyone who isn't uptight about sex is often marginalized in this country.

The more I open up to other people about my kinks I find that they have kinks of their own. Many vanilla people aren't as vanilla as they would seem from the outside. Many feel the need to hide who they are, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell mentality. Even very kinky people can be very conservative in some areas. My sister is rather kinky herself but she cringes at the thought of me being submissive. (doesn't condemn, just cringes..) On the other hand some of the things she does...well, they make me cringe a bit too.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It is that often you come off as very defensive of your relationship and condescending of ones that are not full-time. That is why I was a bit offended by your analogy.

Cutiemouse--sorry if this has been a highjack of your thread...

A lot can be read into words from someone you don't know in RL on a blank PC screen, but that doesn't always make it so. I have friends/aquaintances who are into playing only, some who are into 24/7, but most of the people I know and who know me are mainstream and I have no problem with any of their relationships nor feel they are better or worse than my own, just different and what suits them best....that is all....and I have been in the position of being in an online and also LDR, and had casaual play partners, so why would I now look down on anyone in those situations as if it wasn't real? But it is different. And yes, I and others do get defensive at times, just as you and others do, because we have been attacked openly for the way we live, told it is only a fantasy, not real, impossible, even disgusting....in the past I have even been politely advised it is not cool for me to seem so happy with our relationship in my postings because it may make people who want similar and don't have it feel sad or jealous...WTF was that about?

What I was saying though is there is difference in the types of relationships and also the needs of those involved. The person I was involved with for 5 years had a hard time understanding why I had to end our relationship and seek my happiness elsewhere because although I told him what my needs were, and he was willing to play with it to an extent, it was not who he was or what he wanted 24/7...his solution was we could play at times and continue our relationship and he would be happy...that was not enough for me, and it was not what I could live with or what would bring me happiness. I understand you have reasons for staying the way you are, but if I were in your position I could not and have made that choice, and that is what I was saying...it is a need for me that I cannot compromise on, choose to indulge when possible, and fortunately F was in the same position and not willing to settle for anything less than 24/7. If I had to settle for less, I would choose to be on my own as I had been so long as it is a lot easier to be alone and looking/wanting than with someone in a relationship which makes you feel you are dying a little more each day....that is how I would feel.

Sorry to ramble, but just trying to help you understand where I am coming from and that it has nothing to do with being condescending, just being true to me. Admittedly I speak my mind, but that is because I prefer to be open and honest than pretend to agree with everyone just to be popular, and I don't have the energy....also could be a lot to do with being Australian...we sort of get raised on speaking our minds honestly and respectfully and not beating around the bush for the sake of polite society. I am a grannie and almost 50, so if I haven't learned by now what I need and found the courage to seek and live it, my life would have been wasted and with little time to make up for lost opportunities....I don't want to be living 'what if's' in my old age.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I get that, I do. What I actually meant by that comment is really that I know right now things are in flux, and I am curious to see how I will feel when things settle down.

As an aside though, I do find that sometimes in the kinky community, it feels as though it is all or nothing. And what I mean by that is that there aren't a lot of vanilla folks who are super open about sex, and into exploration. Likewise, I sometimes find it hard to find a kinky person who isn't into pushing boundaries in every freaking area of their life (and ya know, I'm sorta conservative in some areas). Just musing on different communities right now. I know I will forge my own path, and I am, but it would be nice if there was a bit more fluidity in the kink community, though part of the problem is that anyone who isn't uptight about sex is often marginalized in this country.

LOL, we are seen as very conservative in many areas of our lives. It is also part of why we don't go to BDSM clubs etc....it just doesn't feel comfortable for us...think we are fast becoming a couple of hermits.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

LOL, we are seen as very conservative in many areas of our lives. It is also part of why we don't go to BDSM clubs etc....it just doesn't feel comfortable for us...think we are fast becoming a couple of hermits.

Catalina

Right, I may soon be right with you on the fast track to hermitsville. And just in case it wasn't clear, I meant my local bdsm scene, not here on the lit bdsm board, where people are "out" to varying degrees. I like going to parties (not clubs, only because the ones here are reportedly pretty dull) and all, but there are younger, single folks in the group who party all the time. And I can't and don't want that life - I mean, I did that already! It was called college, lol. And I have a kid now. And I like my sleep, besides.

 

[twysted73]

I'm currently working through Rinella's Partners in Power: Living in a Kinky Relationship, and in his chapter titled Elephant in the Room, he discusses negative thinking with regards to not currently being in a BDSM relationship, or losing hope of finding a partner. There are a lot of people looking for power based (BDSM) relationships out there; if you lurk on CollarMe or any of the other "big" kink-friendly personals sites, you'll see people who have been searching for years to find a partner who meets their wants, needs and desires...

From the book (because Mr. Rinella said it so well):

" What makes each of us a wannabe is our vision, the dreams, the thought we have to be or do something. This is important, as "without a vision, the people perish." But thought without action is only thought. Only by applying energy, emotion, movement, and dedication to an idea will it become reality. So the dream needs to be analyzed and understood. Give your dreams some definition so that you have a thorough idea of what your goal is. Whatever you want to be will be more obtainable when you know what it feels, looks, and acts like. Define for yourself what it is you want. Make the definition definitive, not vauge or superficial. Use action terms, especially nouns and verbs. If you use terms that have all sorts of connotatons, refine them so that they are more clearly understood.

<snip>

Having arrived at a clearer definition of what you want, it is then important that you devise a plan to achieve it. I always as myself "How do I have to change to become that?" Another way of asking the same question is "When I attain that goal, what will be different about me? Write down the plan, giving realistic dates for attaining certain steps towards your goal.

<snip>

Get yourself ready to fulfill your dreams. Doing so means you act in such a way as to be able to be who you want to be. Save money to pay for the changes. Get out of debt, lost weight, earn your degree, work on the psychological aspects of your personality that hold you back, such as fear and doubt.

Most of all, get experience. Put yourself into short-term situations where you will be able to learn more about what you want. Those experiences will transform you from who you are to who you will be. They will make your goals clearer, more definitive, and signifigantly more attainable. Or, and this is just as likely, they will teach you to change your goals to more closely conform to the real you."
[Partners in Power p. 146-148]

If you aren't currently in a relationship, what are your goals? What are you doing to make them happen? How are you preparing yourself to become the Master/Dominant/Top or slave/submissive/bottom you want to be? What active steps are you taking towards creating the relationship you are seeking?

CM you make it fun to wander in here. This is very interesting reading. Good suggestions!

 

[ecstaticsub]

Sorry to ramble, but just trying to help you understand where I am coming from and that it has nothing to do with being condescending, just being true to me. Admittedly I speak my mind, but that is because I prefer to be open and honest than pretend to agree with everyone just to be popular, and I don't have the energy....also could be a lot to do with being Australian...we sort of get raised on speaking our minds honestly and respectfully and not beating around the bush for the sake of polite society. I am a grannie and almost 50, so if I haven't learned by now what I need and found the courage to seek and live it, my life would have been wasted and with little time to make up for lost opportunities....I don't want to be living 'what if's' in my old age.

Catalina

I am in my mid 40's and I know what you mean about not wanting to be living "what if's" in my old age. Thanks for clarifying where you stand. I, too tend to be open and honest but am usually way too non-confrontational and polite to a fault.

 

[sexycaz22]

I am still learning and exploring my 'kinky' side, and trying to discover what I like, and what I don't like in terms of submission. Some say, domestic services, others say only in the bedroom, and some say 24/7 and others say only for play...etc... there are so many "labels" and so many different types of D/s relationships.

The problem for me is that I DO NOT KNOW which one I really want in my life, however, I do know that I love being spanked, and really want to explore my limits further, i.e. my reason for not going into a long-term relationship and instead prefer to "play the field" and seeing what is out there, by going to munches and to clubs etc.

I do have SOME idea of what I want, from a relationship as I know that I won't be able to handle the total power exchange or 24/7 D/s relationship, because I dislike it when other people try to make decisions for me, I guess it stems from my childhood, where my mother used to make decisions for me, for about 13 or 14 years, right from birth to 13 or 14 years old, she used to choose clothes for me, some awful taste, yes! And won't let me go out at night-time until I was 16 years old. The only freedom I have had, was when I was a boarder at school so I know that I don't want to go back that, but I don't blame my mother in any way, as she didn't know how to cope with a deaf child, but since I left school, she supported and encouraged me to be very independent and I will be always grateful to her for that.

However.....at the same time.... I would like to have some decisions made for me in a sexual way. I would like someone to take control in the bedroom, but outside the bedroom, I don't know yet.

So, I guess you could say that I am still figuring out what I really want from my life and from relationships (but I do know I would like to have some BDSM in relationships!)

(on a side note....bloody hell..used spelling checker for this post and usually I make lots of spelling mistakes but only a couple of mistakes!! Very proud!! )

 

[FurryFury]

I am in my mid 40's and I know what you mean about not wanting to be living "what if's" in my old age. Thanks for clarifying where you stand. I, too tend to be open and honest but am usually way too non-confrontational and polite to a fault.

Me too, usually. Today I told my husband to suck my dick in walmart. You just never know . . .

 

[midwestyankee]

Me too, usually. Today I told my husband to suck my dick in walmart. You just never know . . .

Did you get pictures?

 

[A Desert Rose]

My goals? One...

To live a damned long time.

Everything else is minor and dependent on that particular goal.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am in my mid 40's and I know what you mean about not wanting to be living "what if's" in my old age. Thanks for clarifying where you stand. I, too tend to be open and honest but am usually way too non-confrontational and polite to a fault.

LOL, well I have a lot of people tell me I am too polite in RL...it is who I am and is nothing to do with being submissive in nature, just a severe dislike for loud and agressive personalities...regardless, I have learned over the years that there are times I need to speak out, and I can do it when necessary, usually a lot more easily if for someone else, but still I usually do it in a quiet and well mannered way....see what happens when you are raised in a tee totling family who don't smoke or swear!!

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Did you get pictures?

No.

Frankly, I was shocked that came out of my mouth. I guess I should have stayed home in bed and prayed for pain and other physical relief instead of trying to do my duty and shopping. Once he became dismissive and seemed to be attacking me, well, I went a little bonkers.

 

[Colton_White]

10-01-2007

Colton White doesn't have any input to give in this thread, but He did liked reading all that was posted

The last post was on 10-01-2007, so I'm bumping it. Keep it up!!