What do you get from it?

[catalina_francisco]

im sure ur master is very pleased with u hun. I just try harder to show my Master i respect him and im worthy of his love.

Hey, this was not personal, so don't go getting any ideas you are better or you try harder as apart from you obviously not having a clue about our relationship and what I have done in terms of sacrifice and pleasing him in all ways, superior sub tones are not something that goes down well around here. And please drop the hun thing as that is reserved for one person only.

Edited to add upon revelation: LOL, well I see from your advert today you don't actually have a Master or Dom so it is easier to imagine how to please them, try harder etc., and be perfect...it always is easier in the head than in actual reality, but the reality is much more enjoyable and rewarding in the long term.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wonder how Lord Stormy deals with the concept of a 'no limits' agreement between PYL/pyl's given his concepts.

Catalina

 

[Lord_Stormy]

I wonder how Lord Stormy deals with the concept of a 'no limits' agreement between PYL/pyl's given his concepts.

Catalina

Ok I'm new. Define PLY please.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ok I'm new. Define PLY please.

One of our idiosyncracies around here...PYL (Pick Your Label) = Dominant, Master etc...pyl = submissive, bottom, slave etc. BTW, welcome.

Catalina

 

[Lord_Stormy]

Thanks for the welcome.

No limits? I find hard to believe. I mean would a sub willing die or endure physical maiming (loss of limb) for the pleasure of their dom? I admit the examples are a little extreme, but they serve to illustrate the point.

Seem to have gotten a little side tracked here. I’ll rephrase the original question.

*******************************************
Note: The questions below are meant as examples and not
a definitive list of reasons why someone would become a
sub. They are not meant to imply that there is something
”wrong” with the sub or being a sub.
*******************************************

Do subs become subs because they feel they lack something? (it makes me feel whole)

Or do they become subs because they are afraid or just don’t want to make decisions? (I don’t like being in control)

Or is it just a personality trait that makes them insecure or submissive?


Random thought: If what a sub wants is to be controlled, would not a good punishment be to make them choose/decide something?

 

[Ebonyfire]

No limits? I find hard to believe. I mean would a sub willing die or endure physical maiming (loss of limb) for the pleasure of their dom?

You be surprised at the nonsense potential subs has said to me. If I had a dollar...

Now when a sub or slave tells me they have no limits, I just tell them that they are not for me, and discontinue comminication.

Do subs become subs because they feel they lack something? (it makes me feel whole)

Not in my world

Or do they become subs because they are afraid or just don’t want to make decisions? (I don’t like being in control)

My subs make decisions all the time. And most of the males subs I know have high powered careers where they make decisions all the time. Some even make life and death decisions.

Or is it just a personality trait that makes them insecure or submissive?

Being submissive has nothing to do with being insecure.

Random thought: If what a sub wants is to be controlled, would not a good punishment be to make them choose/decide something?

Some Dom/mes do that.

Eb

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks for the welcome.

No limits? I find hard to believe. I mean would a sub willing die or endure physical maiming (loss of limb) for the pleasure of their dom? I admit the examples are a little extreme, but they serve to illustrate the point.

Actually they don't serve to illustrate the point beyond the usual misunderstanding about what 'no limits' means... it means the submissive surrenders the right to set limits of their own, but as they submit to the dominance of their PYL, they accept and abide by whatever limits the PYL sets for themselves. If they are smart, they will be with someone who shares similar tastes, though tastes and desires can and often change over time so that is also something to consider before entering into such an agreement.

We have a no limits relationship which translates to he sets the limits and I have accepted and consented to not having any limits I have set myself. Translated that does not mean he is going to kill me as he is not a killer and so it doesn't come into it, what does come into it though is I am to accept his limits and live within them. Sometimes it is not easy to obey instantly (though many will claim they do no matter what), but the effort is there and we work together to make it possible either then or at a future point in time. We share similar tastes, but that does not mean all he demands is something I like or find easy to accept, but I willingly surrendered my right to set limits, so I comply.

OTOH, we have had many sub/slaves contact us and promise 'no limits' even before talking to us in any form. We make sure we get the message through to them what 'no limit's is (as in they do not say no limits except a long list of limits they have in their pocket), how stupid and dangerous it is for them to claim they are willing for that from the beginning, how devaluing it is to be willing to submit on that level to someone they do not know (IOW their submission is cheap, and not based on anything to do with the Dom/me if they do not know them), and that we are not interested in anyone who would claim and continue to claim such a willingness without building trust and letting a relationship grow. It just is not something you offer a complete stranger or casual player.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

*******************************************
Note: The questions below are meant as examples and not
a definitive list of reasons why someone would become a
sub. They are not meant to imply that there is something
”wrong” with the sub or being a sub.
*******************************************

Do subs become subs because they feel they lack something? (it makes me feel whole)

Not for me. I had a full and independent life, career, raised my children alone and under less than perfect conditions, owned a house and car etc., so really had provided for myself and family well and was also the leaning post for many wround me when in trouble.

Or do they become subs because they are afraid or just don’t want to make decisions? (I don’t like being in control)

No, as said above, I had lived alone with my children and of my choice for 16 years during which time I had to make all the decisions, and run a successful life. I also went back to school and then university and got my degree during this time and interspersed with hospital stays, and looking after elderly parents.

Or is it just a personality trait that makes them insecure or submissive?

I am far from insecure, though I am submissive by choice, just not to every twit who crosses my path and tries to pull the wool over my eyes. In fact, I believe it is because I am not insecure that I can and have submitted to the relationship I have. I have proven to myself and the world I can be my own person and survive things most do not, all without help from anyone else. This makes me feel secure in making my decision to be a slave, knowing I am able to survive alone and am not looking for a prop, and that the skills i brought with me have enhanced his life and relieved him of many of the mundane aspects of life he would prefer not to deal with.

Random thought: If what a sub wants is to be controlled, would not a good punishment be to make them choose/decide something?

LOL, not with me. I am used to making decisions, choosing A from B after weighing all the pros and cons. If he requires me to make decisions, and he does actually like he can trust me to do that when he is not available such as working out of the country, it is a service for him which falls within my role as slave, not a punishment. ROFLMAO, he had had his fill of subs who wouldn't do anything or make decisions because they simply didn't think they should be bothered with such things, he wanted a slave who was actually useful, served, and an asset, not a weight to carry.

Catalina

 

[Lord_Stormy]

Being submissive has nothing to do with being insecure.

I realize that, that's why there was an "OR" not an "AND". I was just too lazy to type the almost exact same question twice. Sorry, its the programmer in me.

We have a no limits relationship which translates to he sets the limits and I have accepted and consented to not having any limits I have set myself. Translated that does not mean he is going to kill me as he is not a killer and so it doesn't come into it, what does come into it though is I am to accept his limits and live within them. Sometimes it is not easy to obey instantly (though many will claim they do no matter what), but the effort is there and we work together to make it possible either then or at a future point in time. We share similar tastes, but that does not mean all he demands is something I like or find easy to accept, but I willingly surrendered my right to set limits, so I comply.

Ok, death was a little extreme, but in building the trust, do you not still establish limits? If not overtly, then at least by matching interests/disinterests? What if your Dom asks you for some you truly find abhorrent (incest, rape, child molestation, bestiality, ‘scat’, etc)?
I realize that it probably won’t come into play, but I imagine at least one of those is a limit for anybody. Matching limits does not negate them, just ensures that are not an issue.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ok, death was a little extreme, but in building the trust, do you not still establish limits? If not overtly, then at least by matching interests/disinterests? What if your Dom asks you for some you truly find abhorrent (incest, rape, child molestation, bestiality, ‘scat’, etc)?
I realize that it probably won’t come into play, but I imagine at least one of those is a limit for anybody. Matching limits does not negate them, just ensures that are not an issue.

As I said, in the beginning both should have limits and be able to voice them and stick to them, not be pressured. If you are sensible you will seek someone who has similar limits, moreso for the submissive as a Dominant is not likely to change their limits to suit the submissives (well that is if they are worthy of the title Dominant). All the ones you listed except for scat and bestiality, would presumeably involve at least a third person, non-consensually at that, so that does not apply under the terms of SSC or RISK as people seriously in this lifestyle are not into abusing or involving non-consenting people, so they do not come into limits but are wise to be covered anyway. Given you meet someone you share similar limits with, and you find there is good reason to, you begin a relationship during which time trust is built. At a point further in time, the Dominant might request the submissive enter into no limits, or the submissive might offer as I did.


It is not something which should be done lightly or without a lot of discussion and consideration as for most, there is no going back..for us it is irreversible, and he madesure I understood that before he accepted my offer. The reason one needs to think carefully is because apart from the ramifications of such an agreement, there is also the possibility the Dominant may at some point change their limits...it is fairly common as people progress and grow and develop a desire to try things they may not have wanted to before or with anyone else. If you have agreed to no limits, you can not then jump up and say it was not part of the agreement if something the submissive previously set as a limit now becomes an order, as it was given in the faith you relinguish the right to impose any limits as a submissive in that situation. If you are unable or unwilling to risk that, you do not enter into no limits and thus maintain that degree of control over your fate.

Catalina

 

[Lord_Stormy]

I am far from insecure, though I am submissive by choice, just not to every twit who crosses my path and tries to pull the wool over my eyes. In fact, I believe it is because I am not insecure that I can and have submitted to the relationship I have. I have proven to myself and the world I can be my own person and survive things most do not, all without help from anyone else. This makes me feel secure in making my decision to be a slave, knowing I am able to survive alone and am not looking for a prop, and that the skills i brought with me have enhanced his life and relieved him of many of the mundane aspects of life he would prefer not to deal with.

So you are a submissive because you like how it feels to serve someone and improve their life?

Where you happy when you where own your own and could you go back to it?
What attracted you the lifestyle? Was it the submission, the sexual aspect, or something else (I think I read were one person was attracted because of the clothes, seems shallow)

BTW Thanks for the response.

 

[catalina_francisco]

So you are a submissive because you like how it feels to serve someone and improve their life?

Where you happy when you where own your own and could you go back to it?
What attracted you the lifestyle? Was it the submission, the sexual aspect, or something else (I think I read were one person was attracted because of the clothes, seems shallow)

BTW Thanks for the response.

I am a slave because that is who I am and who I choose to be. I had fantasies and desires from an early age, before school age, which were both D/s and SM related but it was not until decades later I was able to act on them. At that moment I made the choice not to go through a series of relationships, becoming jaded in the process, so set out to find one person who shared my vision and who also was wanting a relationship with love and a lifetime commitment. I was fortunate to find someone who was all that and much more.

We do not dress the part, we do not go to munches or clubs or parties, we live a fairly private life except for the occasional others we involve in play at times. As tobeing happy when I was on my own, yes I was for the most part and I loved my independence and freedom. Unfortunately, though I had many good vanilla relationships, there was always something missing...I found what that something was. I have no desire to ever be vanilla again, it is not who I am.

Catalina

 

[Little Bird]

For me submission is a display of deep devotion and affection.
I think I have a very strong fixiation about giving pleasure. My greatest pleasure is that I give others. I want to please him/her (we'll see) in any way possible both at the "strong" and the "weak" side, that is seeing about her being save and well cared for, and listening to her every wish and demand to serve her in any way she wants.
But she has to deserve it. She has to apprechiate and make me feel, that it had been really gratifying and not just something I'm expected to do and that has been noticed only half-hearted and without any second thought. To submit to someone, it has to be a person that I know will not only don't do me any harm, but will also prvent me getting harmed in any way. It may again not be true to the true meaning of the word, but to me Dominance does not mean using someone for your own pleasure, but to take care he's cared for and safe.

It may be a bit of the cliche, but I don't know why, but In every group of people, where I have true interest in the things done together, I'm one of those in charge. I don't want to be demanding or controlling and push others aside, but in the end, it's always just me and some few others, or amongst friends, it ends in everyone looking at me in expectation to make the final descision. It's fine for me, but I just don't want to be allways the one in charge. Sometimes I want to just shut off my own will and get remote-controlled like everyone else. I want to be told that I did fine and don't get complimented by people who admire me for being more able than they are (and they do). I want to get complimented by people who can appreciate how much it took me to get as near to their own acomplishments as I did though I can't reach them.
(Don't get me wrong. Humans usually live in groups (and since a century ago, in large groups) and they hunt for food. So it's quite clear they had to be animals living in packs in the past. A pack works best when all work as a group without complaining, but to get anything done there has to be one leader. Instincts are very powerfull and there are still only some few odd ones with a desire to be in charge, a "normal" human has no desire and is completely content by following. It's not only not a sign of weakness, it's normal.)

I think it's almost a bit embarasing, but I also think that it's just fades into the background besides things others he like and do, so that's tolerable.
I'm a bit torn in mind. I have a desire, that I could only describe as a wish to lose some of my ability to be independent. But I'm having a self-confindence that is rarely matched by anyone else and I can't find any rational reason why it would be a good thing to be less able to be independ of others.
Sure, one explanation could be that I unconsciously think that have overburdened me with taking so much responsibilty for myself since a young age and now want to compensate it, or I'm feeling and want to be hold in the arms again, but I like that thought even less.
But now I'm just feeling very tired, I don't want to think anymore of it right now.

 

[SpectreT]

Alright, here's my mileage, but I'm a strange guy with some strange viewpoints sometimes.

I serve.

It's part of who I am. I have some internalized delusions of what kind of man I am, a screwball mix of Chivalry and Bushido. I seek a "lady" or "lord" worthy of my service. When I find such, I'll serve until I'm dismissed, in whatever capacity that service takes.

I'm so screwed around with this service orientation that dominating a submissive is every bit as much a service as being a submissive. It really depends on what my partner needs of me.

As to limits, and where they come from and where they go:

Like all sane and self-preserving people, I have limits, of course, but I'm also self-aware enough to know limits can move around, and with enough trust and rapport established, the limits are no longer quite so formalized. Trust and respect and custom will take the place of the more traditional "laundry list" of stuff, in a mature relationship, if that makes sense. Eb's comments from the dominant perspective fit, I think. And it makes sense for the prospective submissive, as well. Nobody should waste their time not getting what they want and need out of a relationship.

I'll likely need to re-examine and revise the above statement re: Limits, but that's as fair a compromise between concise and complete as I'm likely to get right now.

 

[FurryFury]

<snip>

Some people seem to very much formalize things and have great demands in everything, while other do not, but keep quiet about it.

I think to really understand "the truth" about Dominance and submission beside practices, is to know why people like it and what the feelings are that they enjoy about it and make them yearn for it to happen again. It would be really kind when as much of you as possible can try to describe not what they do but why they do it and why they like it, and I think it would be much more informative than try to explain what submission really is.

I agree with EB that we don't need to know "the truth" but simply accept this is the way we or someone else is and do our best to be happy with or enjoy ourselves and others.

I don't do a great deal of formal stuff online or with my husband and I don't feel a need for it.

I enjoy it because it feels right and gives me ease. In some cases I enjoy it because it pleases another.

I yearn for it because I have a hunger for this like no other hunger I have ever known.

Submission is what you and the person you are submitting to agree and make it to be.

I hope this makes sense. Maybe I'm too tired to be posting. *smiles*

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm so screwed around with this service orientation that dominating a submissive is every bit as much a service as being a submissive. It really depends on what my partner needs of me.

Nice to know I am not the only one who has walked this road and accepted it as part of my submission.

Catalina

 

[SpectreT]

Nice to know I am not the only one who has walked this road and accepted it as part of my submission.

Catalina

Not exactly. Close, but not exactly, for me. Serving is bigger than Domination or submission, to me; it's the coin on which the Dom/sub sides are the heads and tails, if that makes sense.

Ostensibly, and for others, I'm sure, service is part of submission, but it doesn't exactly come from the same place, doesn't have the same feel. I can't quite explain it satisfactorily.

 

[littlegirlslut]

Thanks for the welcome.

No limits? I find hard to believe. I mean would a sub willing die or endure physical maiming (loss of limb) for the pleasure of their dom? I admit the examples are a little extreme, but they serve to illustrate the point.

Seem to have gotten a little side tracked here. I’ll rephrase the original question.

*******************************************
Note: The questions below are meant as examples and not
a definitive list of reasons why someone would become a
sub. They are not meant to imply that there is something
”wrong” with the sub or being a sub.
*******************************************

Do subs become subs because they feel they lack something? (it makes me feel whole)

Or do they become subs because they are afraid or just don’t want to make decisions? (I don’t like being in control)

Or is it just a personality trait that makes them insecure or submissive?


Random thought: If what a sub wants is to be controlled, would not a good punishment be to make them choose/decide something?

Ok first disclaimer - I'm hot and cranky and just had to walk 20 blocks.

I have very few limits - they include death, maiming, children, scat, animals... (i'm pretty sure that's it)

As to the questions you posed... NO, NO, NO...

For me personally before I could submit I had to be able to completely stand on my own two feet. I had to prove to myself that I am able to do anything on my own and I can and I have proved that to myself. My Master knows what I am capable of and He encourages me to succeed. He gives me something I can't give myself - just as in any relationship. I can make all those decisions on my own - but I like dressing for Him and having Him pick out my clothes because He enjoys it. I can give myself to Him because He respects me and knows I can do it on my own. He's the first person I've ever trusted to actually find me capable. It's because I'm strong that I'm able to give myself.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense. I have nothing to prove to Him. I will do ANYTHING for Him. Because I know He knows I don't need to - and it was my choice to submit to Him. Now I am His - He owns me. Everything I do is for Him.

 

[SpectreT]

<snip>

*******************************************
Note: The questions below are meant as examples and not
a definitive list of reasons why someone would become a
sub. They are not meant to imply that there is something
”wrong” with the sub or being a sub.
*******************************************

Do subs become subs because they feel they lack something? (it makes me feel whole)

Or do they become subs because they are afraid or just don’t want to make decisions? (I don’t like being in control)

Or is it just a personality trait that makes them insecure or submissive?


Random thought: If what a sub wants is to be controlled, would not a good punishment be to make them choose/decide something?

Good thing you put a disclaimer on that; I think you'll find very few submissives (or switches in submissive mode) who come close to the profile your questions outline - the "Cinderella" type, I believe it's called. Those types tend to find themselves without a Dominant, once such traits are noted.

For some reason, Dominants prefer submissives who are strong, intelligent, capable people - it makes their submission carry more value to the Dominant, since they're actually giving up something, unlike those who are looking for someone to fix their lives and make everything right for the "submissive".

I don't know where these stereotypes about doormats and incompetents come from; I've never seen a submissive type who fits that bill. I have occasionaly seen situations where things are customarily decided by the dominant partner, and the submissive will wait until a decision of that nature is handed to them or are told they're on their own this time. And the times they're on their own, they usually make a decision quickly.

 

[cashmerekitten]

does this make me submissive then?

Hello, I have a couple questions, and would appreciate it if i could get a bit of guidance. first of all i have always been interested in dom/sub situation. My sex life does not reflect it all. Yet I feel like I am in a somewhat submissive state. I fix my husbands plates of food, sometimes take his shoes off, fetch and carry constantly, amongst other things that he could easily do for himself, and I rub his back almost everynight at bedtime, it's ritual. I also defer to him in most things. I mean there are alot of things I am in charge about, and what not. I am a homemaker because that is what suits our lifestyle, and is just the way things are. I have a fairly submissive nature with him MOST of the time. I admit there are times when I blow a nut, but I almost always apologize. there's the home life situation. Point2) I have a secret desire to be overpowered, spanked sometimes, and alot of times I like to push a man to the point where they are VERY angry. I guess it turns me on. But at the same I refuse to be physically abused, if I am totally out of line or I am pushing, then slapping me may be tolerated or even wanted. but by god you better not ever just for shits and grins decide i am your personal punching bag. I wish my husband were more dominating, there are times when he gets this delicious sadistic look about him and I go nuts, and those times he's aggressive but....So could someone help sort me out a moment please????

 

[FurryFury]

Hello, I have a couple questions, and would appreciate it if i could get a bit of guidance. first of all i have always been interested in dom/sub situation. My sex life does not reflect it all. Yet I feel like I am in a somewhat submissive state. I fix my husbands plates of food, sometimes take his shoes off, fetch and carry constantly, amongst other things that he could easily do for himself, and I rub his back almost everynight at bedtime, it's ritual. I also defer to him in most things. I mean there are alot of things I am in charge about, and what not. I am a homemaker because that is what suits our lifestyle, and is just the way things are. I have a fairly submissive nature with him MOST of the time. I admit there are times when I blow a nut, but I almost always apologize. there's the home life situation. Point2) I have a secret desire to be overpowered, spanked sometimes, and alot of times I like to push a man to the point where they are VERY angry. I guess it turns me on. But at the same I refuse to be physically abused, if I am totally out of line or I am pushing, then slapping me may be tolerated or even wanted. but by god you better not ever just for shits and grins decide i am your personal punching bag. I wish my husband were more dominating, there are times when he gets this delicious sadistic look about him and I go nuts, and those times he's aggressive but....So could someone help sort me out a moment please????

I'm not the most experienced person on this board but I have been introducing BDSM into my marriage for a while now.

Yes, it does sound like you might have an at least somewhat submissive nature at least in your own mind and that is usually where it counts orientation wise.

Have you talked to your husband about this? Communication is key in things like this. Most men would be thrilled to add a little more spice into things. God knows I see tons of them whining here about thier sex lives or lack of them.

I would not necessarily use terms like Pain or BDSM to him at first. Most people have this negative ideas of what that means.

If you said to him, "Hey I was to be submissive to you." He might think or hear, I want you to make me suck your dick and skull fuck me. Maybe that would be just what you have in mind but maybe not.

What you might mean could be any number of other activities such as a light spanking or bondage. There are so many possibility and combinations, that is why you need to really be willing to communicate and he does too.

Because BDSM is something people think they know all about already, you need to start out slow, IMO by sharing one activity or fantasy that you think you might like to try in real life is he is willing.

Then ask him to share one with you and do it.

A BDSM inventory checklist of potential activities might be fun after you've both done some things and decide you might want to do more.

I don't know where people get the idea that BDSM has to do with abuse or being someone's punching bag it seems to be a prevalent misunderstanding.

My advice In the early stages is don't get too caught up in labeling yourself or your husband. Just try to explore and have fun with it, then see where that takes you both.

Fury

 

[Private_Label]

Note: I am not in a Dom/sub relationship and still trying to find my way through my desires on this. However, at least one aspect of my personality is submissive. Please note that these answers only apply to me, and may not represent other submissive people.

Q. Do subs become subs because they feel they lack something? (it makes me feel whole)

A. I don't need anyone to make me whole. However there are some things that give me pleasure, or make me feel sexy, or drive me wildly horny. That is what I desire.

Q. Or do they become subs because they are afraid or just don’t want to make decisions? (I don’t like being in control)

A. I make decisions all the time, and I am not afraid to make decisions. In my immediate family, I am usually the one that pushes forward with some of the decisions. In the past I decided to attend college in another state more than 1000 miles away. I lived there for 12 years on my own. But there are times when it is nice to not have the be the one who makes all the decisions.

Q. Or is it just a personality trait that makes them insecure or submissive?

A. Insecure is not equal to submissive.
Insecure is defined by: Not sure or certain; doubtful, Not firm or fixed; unsteady. Most of the submissive people that post messages here do not strike me as being insecure - they are neither doubtful or unsteady.

Submissive means: Inclined or willing to submit (to yield or surrender oneself to the will or authority of another).

For me, there is a part of my personality that is submissive. However I am a control freak, and when I discovered this submissive streak, I had to learn to understand it. Part of me very much wants to belong to someone else. For me, it is tied up around some of my romantic (stereotype) ideals. Maybe I read one too many bodice rippers when I was younger (Thank Grandma for that. When she discovered I loved to read, she started giving me all her romance novels).

Q. Random thought: If what a sub wants is to be controlled, would not a good punishment be to make them choose/decide something?

A. Not me. I have no trouble making decisions or making a choice. From what I have seen here from various people, I would have to say there is no one punishment that would fit all subs equally well. Submitting doesn't mean that they can't make decisions. It just means that they have decided to allow someone else to make the decisions over some aspect of their life. After all it takes a lot of guts to say that you want to actively allow someone else to make decisions for you.

 

[cashmerekitten]

I agree with almost all of what you said. I do make alot of decisions, and I pretty much run the house, choose were we go ect...It gets annoying at times, because I feel that 90% of the time it's all up to me. I have control over alot of our finacial situation. So I guess I would say that being submissive is a voluntary thing, or a desire. I never until reading here yesterday had that perspective on the situation. Whenever I read anything, which granted isn't much, I felt that it was mostly about pain and humiliation. I don't get into the humiliation aspect at all, and alot of the punishments would turn me right off. It's the concept off another having the ability to overpower me either mentally or phsically, and me wanting to serve. my realtionship has been very good so far, we are going on six years, and I count myself fortunate for that. He's younger than me by a ways, but I noticed it's kinda weird he has a dominant streak, but when he gets in that mind frame i find him ohmygod sexy but his own thoughts are alot more sadistic than I want to contemplate. He has a very cruel side, that he keeps to himself for the most part but there have been a few times that it has come to the surface, and I have ended getting hurt. He feels horrible about that so he tried to be careful. We have talked a little bit about the bondage thing, but he is not into the collar thing or the slave thing much, I kinda feel that perhaps he is both submissive and dominant, myself the same way. I don't know how to negotiate that. so I will take the advice to talk and work through it, hopefully we will both benifit, and increase our sexual/relationship.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree with almost all of what you said. I do make alot of decisions, and I pretty much run the house, choose were we go ect...It gets annoying at times, because I feel that 90% of the time it's all up to me. I have control over alot of our finacial situation. So I guess I would say that being submissive is a voluntary thing, or a desire. I never until reading here yesterday had that perspective on the situation. Whenever I read anything, which granted isn't much, I felt that it was mostly about pain and humiliation. I don't get into the humiliation aspect at all, and alot of the punishments would turn me right off. It's the concept off another having the ability to overpower me either mentally or phsically, and me wanting to serve. my realtionship has been very good so far, we are going on six years, and I count myself fortunate for that. He's younger than me by a ways, but I noticed it's kinda weird he has a dominant streak, but when he gets in that mind frame i find him ohmygod sexy but his own thoughts are alot more sadistic than I want to contemplate. He has a very cruel side, that he keeps to himself for the most part but there have been a few times that it has come to the surface, and I have ended getting hurt. He feels horrible about that so he tried to be careful. We have talked a little bit about the bondage thing, but he is not into the collar thing or the slave thing much, I kinda feel that perhaps he is both submissive and dominant, myself the same way. I don't know how to negotiate that. so I will take the advice to talk and work through it, hopefully we will both benifit, and increase our sexual/relationship.

Sounds like a good start.

I'm a bit concerned about the sadistic side that is sometimes cruel and hurts you. Nothing should happen that you haven't agreed to. You should decide where your hard (probably won't change) and soft (could change or you are open to change) limits are. He should respect them and vice versa.

Unless you enjoy his cruelty on some level, whatever it is that you are referring too shouldn't happen but at the same time, if he does have the need to do such things and has no outlet for it that, it is going to be a problem for him and possibly for your relationship.

If you BOTH care enough to communicate I believe most of this can be worked out.

Fury

 

[cashmerekitten]

to be honest I know that it bothers him, and he does keep control of it very well. After the first time, and it has been the last time for it. He raped my ass, and due to size, i was totally non consenting. He has not ever attempted it again. I was terrified, and upset. He I think was just as upset, and considering he actually teared up and promised never to do it again. That was years ago. No i don't get into cruelty, and your right if we do progress into this that part of him may very well turn into a problem. I want dominance not damage, so far though we are going VERY slow.