What's the WORST porn you've ever read?

[Boxlicker101]

But from the little red H's on your story list I assume you do it much better than i did

I would like to have a lot more of those little H's and, if it weren't for trolls, I probably would. The last time I looked, you had only one story and it also had an H.

 

[codygirl]

I used to have quite a collection of porn paperbacks. I used to get them for like three for a buck with their covers torn off. The worst was probably a gem called "Stockbroker's Secretary". You can guess what the story was about.

The author had a thing about people "driving their fingers". Someone was always driving their fingers against someone else's woman- or manhood, and when they weren't, they were crying, "Drive those fingers, baby! Oh, drive them! Don't stop driving those fingers!"

For the life of me, I can't understand what the author found sexy about driven fingers.

too funny...i hate "driven" fingers as well, gaaah, what could be UNsexier!

 

[Guest]

too funny...i hate "driven" fingers as well, gaaah, what could be UNsexier!

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse
I used to have quite a collection of porn paperbacks. I used to get them for like three for a buck with their covers torn off. The worst was probably a gem called "Stockbroker's Secretary". You can guess what the story was about.

The author had a thing about people "driving their fingers". Someone was always driving their fingers against someone else's woman- or manhood, and when they weren't, they were crying, "Drive those fingers, baby! Oh, drive them! Don't stop driving those fingers!"

For the life of me, I can't understand what the author found sexy about driven fingers.

too funny...i hate "driven" fingers as well, gaaah, what could be UNsexier!

He might drive a finger or fingers into her mossy cavern of love or into her nether hole or she might wrap her fingers around his proud young manhood, which might be rock-hard. I don't know where else you would drive your fingers, though.

 

[nasty_dan]

Oh no...

And let's not forget the attempts at writing out the sounds people make during orgasm.

"Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!" Long John Silver busting a nut?
"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" Now who the fuck born on this planet would make this sound? A purple-skinned, four-breasted nympho on Rhycon Cantera IV perhaps, but certainly no Earth woman.

I have to make a confession: I've actually done that. Now I need to go back and edit my stories!

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrmgp
And let's not forget the attempts at writing out the sounds people make during orgasm.

"Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!" Long John Silver busting a nut?
"Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!" Now who the fuck born on this planet would make this sound? A purple-skinned, four-breasted nympho on Rhycon Cantera IV perhaps, but certainly no Earth woman.

I have to make a confession: I've actually done that. Now I need to go back and edit my stories!

I've done something like that myself, but not so drawn out. More like: "Oooo, that feels good," she murmured as my cock pushed into the tiny opening.

or “Ooooooayah, George. Suck my clit like that. Oh, God, keep sucking me. Make me cum

or: “Ohhhhh. Ohhhhh. Ohhhhh,” Marlena moaned and whimpered as my mouth brought her closer to ecstasy.

or: “Oh! OH!” she cried out as she climaxed, clutching my

That second one is a bit over the top but the others don't seem too bad.

 

[mpqm1968]

I notice you've all avoided naming and shaming stories / authors here on Lit. However, at the risk of bringing unecessary attention to this tacky excuse for erotica, I nominate Bob 373's Family Threesome as the worst porn ever. An ability to make incest so dull is a rare talent. Currently running a score of 2.58, unfortunately the public comments apear to have been deleted by the author. Shame, for those comments were priceless. Sorry Bob. But hey, you are bound to enjoy a whole new exposure.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I notice you've all avoided naming and shaming stories / authors here on Lit. However, at the risk of bringing unecessary attention to this tacky excuse for erotica, I nominate Bob 373's Family Threesome as the worst porn ever. An ability to make incest so dull is a rare talent. Currently running a score of 2.58, unfortunately the public comments apear to have been deleted by the author. Shame, for those comments were priceless. Sorry Bob. But hey, you are bound to enjoy a whole new exposure.

Come on, give us a link! I did an author search and came up empty.

 

[Guest]

Come on, give us a link! I did an author search and came up empty.

Here it 'tis -

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=174926

No comments, as he said, and the story is very brief.

 

[Guest]

And I just read the story and now I'm going to go throw up.

It's bob 378 - that's the name.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I must say, I would have a hard time thinking of a worse story than that. I didn't throw up but there was nothing erotic about it.

 

[Guest]

I must say, I would have a hard time thinking of a worse story than that. I didn't throw up but there was nothing erotic about it.

It was the cum/vomit blow job that did me in.

 

[Sir Charles Bascomb]

I used to have quite a collection of porn paperbacks. I used to get them for like three for a buck with their covers torn off. The worst was probably a gem called "Stockbroker's Secretary". You can guess what the story was about.

The author had a thing about people "driving their fingers". Someone was always driving their fingers against someone else's woman- or manhood, and when they weren't, they were crying, "Drive those fingers, baby! Oh, drive them! Don't stop driving those fingers!"

For the life of me, I can't understand what the author found sexy about driven fingers.

I LOVE that stuff. Can't stand well written smut written by balanced sane individuals. Gimme the deranged rants of the boozehounds & nutjobs cranking out filth for a penny a page or whatever measly stash money these people used to get paid.

Don't stop driving those fingers? That's genius right there. That's gonna be my mantra for the next couple of weeks.

Don't stop driving those fingers!
Don't stop driving those fingers!
Don't stop driving those fingers!

 

[Guest]

I LOVE that stuff. Can't stand well written smut written by balanced sane individuals. Gimme the deranged rants of the boozehounds & nutjobs cranking out filth for a penny a page or whatever measly stash money these people used to get paid.

Don't stop driving those fingers? That's genius right there. That's gonna be my mantra for the next couple of weeks.

Don't stop driving those fingers!
Don't stop driving those fingers!
Don't stop driving those fingers!

Laughing -

Um, should I go and edit something, then? To add some words?

 

[Sir Charles Bascomb]

Laughing -

Um, should I go and edit something, then? To add some words?

I don't care what you do so long as you DON'T STOP DRIVING THOSE FINGERS!

 

[Guest]

I don't care what you do so long as you DON'T STOP DRIVING THOSE FINGERS!

Well, if you say so.

But personally I think sex would work better.

 

[Treeview]

Where does Kilgore Trout's porn writing fit on the scale of best/worst?

 

[tintarron]

I notice you've all avoided naming and shaming stories / authors here on Lit. However, at the risk of bringing unecessary attention to this tacky excuse for erotica, I nominate Bob 373's Family Threesome as the worst porn ever. An ability to make incest so dull is a rare talent. Currently running a score of 2.58, unfortunately the public comments apear to have been deleted by the author. Shame, for those comments were priceless. Sorry Bob. But hey, you are bound to enjoy a whole new exposure.

"There was a strange aroma in the air,(later I would find out that she had been masturbating). As soon as I caught a whiff of it I knew what it was."

What a genius.

-t

 

[Sir Charles Bascomb]

Well, if you say so.

But personally I think sex would work better.

You are so right, I'm gonna get me a one way ticket to the MOSSY CAVERN OF LOVE!

 

[Sir Charles Bascomb]

Where does Kilgore Trout's porn writing fit on the scale of best/worst?

Are we talking Venus on the half-shell? or something else?

 

[kimber2k]

Wow its a tough call. Ive read some stories where the IDEAS were good but not executed quite right.

And others with horrible ideas and great writing. haha

 

[glynndah]

The Handyman's Sex Calls, a delightful number from the Wanton Wife Journal series. The book not only has fantastic descriptions such as:

'My cream banged forth like a salvo of machine guns.'

'It was uncanny. She'd been so positive I'd be interested in her buns, that she'd sprayed them with perfume - expensive perfume from Paris, costing closeto twenty dollars an ounce.'

'I had my dick lined up with her hole so that it slid right into place like two planes refueling in midflight.'

but also great scintillating dialogue:

"Grab my boobs!"

"Hey, that's real fine. Bring me to climax. Now!"

"Yes," Brandt said, "the dog will add the finishing touch."

In between the handyman's sex calls (hence the title) a psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor discusses the situation and its impact on society.

'The boredom and sense of meaninglessness which beset the subject..."

'The subject in this case feels many conflicting emotions and has difficulty sorting them out.'

This is the only porn I have read that actually has a bibliography at the end of it!

 

[Guest]

The Handyman's Sex Calls, a delightful number from the Wanton Wife Journal series. The book not only has fantastic descriptions such as:

'My cream banged forth like a salvo of machine guns.'

'It was uncanny. She'd been so positive I'd be interested in her buns, that she'd sprayed them with perfume - expensive perfume from Paris, costing closeto twenty dollars an ounce.'

'I had my dick lined up with her hole so that it slid right into place like two planes refueling in midflight.'

but also great scintillating dialogue:

"Grab my boobs!"

"Hey, that's real fine. Bring me to climax. Now!"

"Yes," Brandt said, "the dog will add the finishing touch."

In between the handyman's sex calls (hence the title) a psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor discusses the situation and its impact on society.

'The boredom and sense of meaninglessness which beset the subject..."

'The subject in this case feels many conflicting emotions and has difficulty sorting them out.'

This is the only porn I have read that actually has a bibliography at the end of it!

LMAO!

What great sig line quotes!

My favorite?

"Yes," Brandt said, "the dog will add the finishing touch."

Bwah!

 

[glynndah]

I always wondered how General Electric felt about having one of their customer service manuals being quoted and used as a reference!

 

[Guest]

I always wondered how General Electric felt about having one of their customer service manuals being quoted and used as a reference!

Flattered?