What's your safe word?

[Homburg]

Let me explain a bit better what I meant by 'staying in character' and why i preffer phrases like 'please, have mercy':

For me the pleasure of bdsm lies not only in the types of sexual play, but also in the psychological aspects - the sub's obedience towards her master, the knowledge that she is his property and that he may do as he desires with her body. Having a safeword which the dom always respects tends to brake this 'act', this pretense. For it is an act, unless you're into total power exchange.

Admitting the necessity of safewords, i think that at least we can choose those that 'break' the act the least. Stuff like 'please, have mercy'.

Of course, i do agree that they're too long and i'm trying to come up with shorter ones.

Hoping this made sense...

Well, I'm involved in TPE, so maybe I'm not the right guy to comment, but when I am laying hand to ass, it's no "act". There is no pretense. I am officially, and really, beating someone. I am actually raising welts on skin, actually feeling the burn on my palm. She is actually yelping and crying, and we really are really doing something real. No "act", sorry.

Maybe it is a difference in terminology, but I can't say as how I take well to having something very serious, and very real-time, get called an "act".

And, call me crazy, but I get into the psychological aspect of it as well, and when you can train someone to the point where pavlovian response causes changes in autonomic systems, it's not a "pretense". No, I'm not some romanticist that feels like everyone is really really real, and there are people for whom it is an act, but the overly broad implications here are just a bit off-putting.

 

[the_jawbreaker]

I have some experience, and never pretended that it was extensive. That's why i asked the question in the first place.

Still, i think i explained my choice of words in the previous post..care to comment on that reasoning?

EDIT this was a response to catalina's post

 

[the_jawbreaker]

Well, I'm involved in TPE, so maybe I'm not the right guy to comment, but when I am laying hand to ass, it's no "act". There is no pretense. I am officially, and really, beating someone. I am actually raising welts on skin, actually feeling the burn on my palm. She is actually yelping and crying, and we really are really doing something real. No "act", sorry.

Maybe it is a difference in terminology, but I can't say as how I take well to having something very serious, and very real-time, get called an "act".

And, call me crazy, but I get into the psychological aspect of it as well, and when you can train someone to the point where pavlovian response causes changes in autonomic systems, it's not a "pretense". No, I'm not some romanticist that feels like everyone is really really real, and there are people for whom it is an act, but the overly broad implications here are just a bit off-putting.

I myself am not into TPE an i called an act the fact that we play like she has somehow lost her rights as a human being and must obey me.

 

[Caitlynne]

I have some experience, and never pretended that it was extensive. That's why i asked the question in the first place.

Still, i think i explained my choice of words in the previous post..care to comment on that reasoning?

EDIT this was a response to catalina's post

I think you're talking more about kinky role playing than BDSM. Which is fine BTW. No judgment here on my part. But, if it's role play then choose whatever words float your boat and fit the play.

Truth is, I don't think there are that many here in this forum into role playing. We're more the "live it, learn it" bunch. We're not playing pretend.

 

[be_ignited]

Let me explain a bit better what I meant by 'staying in character' and why i preffer phrases like 'please, have mercy':

For me the pleasure of bdsm lies not only in the types of sexual play, but also in the psychological aspects - the sub's obedience towards her master, the knowledge that she is his property and that he may do as he desires with her body. Having a safeword which the dom always respects tends to brake this 'act', this pretense. For it is an act, unless you're into total power exchange.

Admitting the necessity of safewords, i think that at least we can choose those that 'break' the act the least. Stuff like 'please, have mercy'.

Of course, i do agree that they're too long and i'm trying to come up with shorter ones.

Hoping this made sense...

Well, if a safeword needs to be used, then the act needs to be broken, no? And having a safeword that stays in the act is just sort of, well, unnecessary since the purpose of the safeword is to get one out of the "act." In my opinion, you use a safeword when something is going wrong and action needs to be stopped right at that moment for whatever reason and (for me at least) ought to be followed by talking about what when wrong and how to keep it from happening again and I think trying to preserve the "act" at this point is counter-productive. I think you also ought to keep in mind that a bottom won't use a safeword just because something has become too much physically, there are potential emotional blocks too. If I have a random anxiety attack while I'm getting my ass beat, preserving the scene should not be high on the priority list. I need to stop things completely so what triggered it (if anything, sometimes they're just random) can be assessed effectively. YMMV.

To answer your original question, we don't use safewords. We're not very heavy in our play, but he'll check in on me every so often to make sure I'm alright and he's pretty good at reading me otherwise. I'm not allowed to tell him "no," but something like "please no" or "please stop" is acceptable, even if he's not going to abide by it at that moment. We use a ball gag when I'm gagged, and we make sure it's loose enough so that I can pop it out of my mouth should I need to say something (I can't feel my arm; that hurt, you sonofabitch, etc).

 

[intothewoods]

I myself am not into TPE an i called an act the fact that we play like she has somehow lost her rights as a human being and must obey me.

It's not like there's TPE and play or fantasy, and no other option. It sounds like you're into role playing, which isn't my bag, but is totally fine.

I'm not in a TPE relationship, but our basic guiding principle is that when it comes to the bedroom, he's in charge and he calls the shots. I'm not playing a character, like naughty schoolgirl or something like that. But there's nothing wrong with that kind of fun. At one point I kind of liked it, I think. So sure, she's pretending to be your slave and is begging for mercy. But see, isn't part of the fun of the role play that she begs for mercy? And if the safeword sounds like that, how do you know it's real? Maybe you can come up with a silent "safeword" so it doesn't break the mood. Although then you're left to guess what the problem is. Really, once you play with a person repeatedly, you get a sense of them. And talk beforehand, out of character, about what the pyl likes, doesn't like, hard limits, etc.

Mister Man just isn't into planning scenes or talking about scenes. He just wants to get down to business. So I may have to speak up sometimes, but it really doesn't break the mood. Well, except the almost passing out part. That was a bit of a mood killer.

More than likely it will sound something like this...

Me: owowow, foot cramp!
Him: I'm sorry, what? Who's the dominant here? (as he adjusts the rope)
Me: You. (very subtle eye rolling)
Him: I saw that.
Me: Saw what?

It's playful. And if it's not playful, he'll be rough - maybe he'll tell me to shut up or shove me to my knees or whatever. (ok, I need to get laid. Is it hot in here?) All of this would never happen if we were talking about making dinner or doing the dishers or whatever. But we're not pretending in the bedroom either. It just different types of intimacy really.

 

[myinnerslut]

i dont have a safeword, i gave it up when i became a slave TPE. i used to use "safeword" as my mind goes blank and there is really no way i could forget that if i needed it.

Course if one of the girls calls "RED" I'm likely to stop out of habit

funny that Master should mention that. last night he was working on my shoulder becuase i have some pretty bad shoulder issues and the work he was doing hurt badly enough that i was in tears and sobbing.

trying to lighten the mood i called out "red!" hoping to get a smile from him (and a few seconds rest from the pain in my shoulder). viv luaghed and he stopped and said "did you just call red?" with disbelief in his voice. followed by "there is no red in this household" and more evil pressure on my shoulder.

it did work to lighten the mood a bit.

 

[madetotakeit]

My safe words are ones that would never come up in play. The whole point of them is to give a clear sign that the situation either needs to be slowed for a moment or stopped depending on which word is used. "Please, have mercy" is not a clear indicator. IMO anything that can be taken as reaction to the moment...have mercy, calling out the name of your deity of choice, etc...can just lead to confusion and something going further than it should. Also short responses are best in my opinion. When I'm in the moment saying more than one word would be nearly impossible.

I don't feel it takes being in a TPE situation to have it go beyond just an act. The fact that out of the scene I am in control of myself does not lessen the control I give over when I am. When I go into submissive mode it is with someone that I trust. Hence I give over control. No acting or pretense involved. I'm giving him complete control for that time. What happens would be completely dictated on what he wants to do. I don't want to have a say as to what will happen, otherwise it is just kinky play. I've had enough of that. It's just not fulfilling to me.

 

[SweetGigi]

I have been known to use words 'blueberries' and 'snoopy' when I needed safewords. I've only had to do so a few times in the past and now that I am gearing my life (with a little help) towards a TPE I will give up safewords all together when the time comes. For me it is all about him being able to read me well enough to know where I am and what I can take.

 

[DreamSensualist]

......

 

[BiBunny]

I don't use safewords when I'm on bottom, and none of the people I currently play with do, either. We're not people who are prone to saying things we don't mean, like saying stop when we don't *really* want it to stop. So around here, "Ow, goddammit, STOP THAT!" is taken at face value.

And, believe me, if you're gagged, and something's THAT bad, you can communicate it. Or at least everyone I've ever met can.

 

[FurryFury]

My husband has instructed me that if I don't say something and he is hurting me in a way I find unpleasant he will be very pissed off.

We don't really have safe words.

We aren't in a D/s relationship. We are just two kinky subs trying to please one another.

 

[the_jawbreaker]

It's not like there's TPE and play or fantasy, and no other option. It sounds like you're into role playing, which isn't my bag, but is totally fine.

I'm not in a TPE relationship, but our basic guiding principle is that when it comes to the bedroom, he's in charge and he calls the shots. I'm not playing a character, like naughty schoolgirl or something like that. But there's nothing wrong with that kind of fun. At one point I kind of liked it, I think. So sure, she's pretending to be your slave and is begging for mercy. But see, isn't part of the fun of the role play that she begs for mercy? And if the safeword sounds like that, how do you know it's real? Maybe you can come up with a silent "safeword" so it doesn't break the mood. Although then you're left to guess what the problem is. Really, once you play with a person repeatedly, you get a sense of them. And talk beforehand, out of character, about what the pyl likes, doesn't like, hard limits, etc.

Mister Man just isn't into planning scenes or talking about scenes. He just wants to get down to business. So I may have to speak up sometimes, but it really doesn't break the mood. Well, except the almost passing out part. That was a bit of a mood killer.

More than likely it will sound something like this...

Me: owowow, foot cramp!
Him: I'm sorry, what? Who's the dominant here? (as he adjusts the rope)
Me: You. (very subtle eye rolling)
Him: I saw that.
Me: Saw what?

It's playful. And if it's not playful, he'll be rough - maybe he'll tell me to shut up or shove me to my knees or whatever. (ok, I need to get laid. Is it hot in here?) All of this would never happen if we were talking about making dinner or doing the dishers or whatever. But we're not pretending in the bedroom either. It just different types of intimacy really.

This makes a lot of sense, definitely a lot of good points. Thank you for sharing!

 

[EmpressFi]

Well, I'm involved in TPE, so maybe I'm not the right guy to comment, but when I am laying hand to ass, it's no "act". There is no pretense. I am officially, and really, beating someone. I am actually raising welts on skin, actually feeling the burn on my palm. She is actually yelping and crying, and we really are really doing something real. No "act", sorry.

Maybe it is a difference in terminology, but I can't say as how I take well to having something very serious, and very real-time, get called an "act".

And, call me crazy, but I get into the psychological aspect of it as well, and when you can train someone to the point where pavlovian response causes changes in autonomic systems, it's not a "pretense". No, I'm not some romanticist that feels like everyone is really really real, and there are people for whom it is an act, but the overly broad implications here are just a bit off-putting.

I myself am not into TPE an i called an act the fact that we play like she has somehow lost her rights as a human being and must obey me.

The bolded parts of what Homburg said explain my sentiment exactly. I'm not TPE. My Master lives nearly 1000 miles away, so we're not 24/7 in the way most see it. However, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I am his pet, I am his. I do obey him.

Roleplay is fine, like others have said, whatever floats your boat. We have safewords in place as a "just in case" thing. I havent used one, yet. The last time we were together, he sensed I was getting close and stopped. However, every time we're together, he reminds me of the same thing, he trusts me to tell him when I've had enough, because otherwise, he's just going to keep on going until HE feels like stopping.

 

[Homburg]

funny that Master should mention that. last night he was working on my shoulder becuase i have some pretty bad shoulder issues and the work he was doing hurt badly enough that i was in tears and sobbing.

trying to lighten the mood i called out "red!" hoping to get a smile from him (and a few seconds rest from the pain in my shoulder). viv luaghed and he stopped and said "did you just call red?" with disbelief in his voice. followed by "there is no red in this household" and more evil pressure on my shoulder.

it did work to lighten the mood a bit.

I believe I even used a theatrically evil voice when I said "There is no red in this household!"

Much as ITW mentioned, I like playful. It's more fun. Sometimes it is deadly serious, and playful does not happen, but those moments occur only when I am in the right mood.

 

[EmpressFi]

I believe I even used a theatrically evil voice when I said "There is no red in this household!"

Much as ITW mentioned, I like playful. It's more fun. Sometimes it is deadly serious, and playful does not happen, but those moments occur only when I am in the right mood.

Is that like.. "there's no crying in baseball!"?

 

[Homburg]

Is that like.. "there's no crying in baseball!"?

Almost exactly, yes.

 

[YourCaptor]

Safeword

thats it

 

[rida]

Mostly with Hubby I just communicate what's going on.
But, thanks to WickedEve, we now also use Spongebob ... as in Hubby would ask me, when he sees me distressed: are you going to call Spongebob?
And I cannot keep from thinking that Spongebob is yellow so we should use Crusty Crab for red and maybe Patrick for something in between ...

 

[SirQittus]

Let me explain a bit better what I meant by 'staying in character' and why i preffer phrases like 'please, have mercy':

For me the pleasure of bdsm lies not only in the types of sexual play, but also in the psychological aspects - the sub's obedience towards her master, the knowledge that she is his property and that he may do as he desires with her body. Having a safeword which the dom always respects tends to brake this 'act', this pretense. For it is an act, unless you're into total power exchange.

Admitting the necessity of safewords, i think that at least we can choose those that 'break' the act the least. Stuff like 'please, have mercy'.

Of course, i do agree that they're too long and i'm trying to come up with shorter ones.

Hoping this made sense...

My one question would be - why do you need a "staying in character" red safeword? Its use in the circumstances you're using it is almost certainly going to be 'breaking the act' or at least in my mind should. A word or phrase that indicates "the next thing I say is going to be real/OOC/a no-shitter" is a whole different story and something like "mercy" would probably work well for you there.

Oh, and red/yellow for Me and my.

 

[twiggy_the_spider]

probably not very safe but the three people I've played with seriously I've never had a safeword with. We just never did and in 2/3 of those situations someone could have got hurt. After a discussion with my sister we decided that the best safeword would be teapot. If I'm in a situation to need one again thats what it'll be.

 

[twysted73]

I had help when picking out my safewords. For me they are personal. I wanted something that meant a lot ot me, that reflected what I was trying to say (yellow, red or whatever) and that I would be happy with. I never wanted to be in aposition of growing to dislike them because they lacked "meaning".

I have tended to safe word a lot, more of the "yellow" word because we were constantly pushing limits.

Perhaps it's because I love emotional maschoism, but i have 3 safe words. One meaning yellow, or hold up / change direction. The red word in my world means "OK, this is not good, let's stop this & get out of this space". I have my last word that I think I have only used once, maybe twice (damn floaty feeling & memory loss). Anyway, this word in my world is a "all shit has hit the fan & if something isn't done now she may die" .... perhaps in play it's not actually a case of life & death, it's more an emotional fagility and a way of saying that my emotional & mental limits have been pushed so far they may be broken beyond repair if I don't get some aftercare now. I can't imagine anyone other than that one someone so completely in my head ever being able to push me this far.

All very true. I enjoy the fact that she holds off on wording as much as she can. It conveys to me a sense that she's dedicated to not only pushing her boundries, but potentially discovering new ones.
I know her well enough to know she's pushing when she doesn't need to and I'll change my direction slightly to relieve some of the pressure for her.
Like two dance partners finding their niche with one another. And the tempo of the dance changes everytime we find new things to do.

It's very inspiring and satisfying.
I enjoy my babydoll immensley.

 

[clair68]

Have read this thread with interest, untill recently my fantasies were just that.
I am now in a relationship with some one who almost instantly picked up on my submissive desires. We had the conversation about safe words and settled on the name of a film, only problem is he uses it in public conversation to tease me. Like we'll be in the pub and people will be talking about ringtones and he'll start going "Oh I must download that song from XXX" drives me wild.

 

[caela]

The only actual safeword I've ever used was "purple" at the house of Dom friend of mine that I've played with on occasion. It's pretty much a house standard at his place. Any other time I've played it's been at one of the play parties my munch group has and we've all agreed that "Stop" means stop and anything short of that ( unless you're voicing a legit concern like "dude, hold off a minute my foots falling asleep" ) leaves the sadists open to just keep going.

We have a couple of sadsts that just love it if they can get us growling at them but not actually calling "stop". They'll sometimes ask if we want them to stop what they're doing and whomever is getting it will say something like no but could they lighten up a bit and then usually get a sharper crack then before.

 

[graceanne]

We have safewords, but don't use them. I don't say things like 'OW!' and 'STOP' unless I mean 'em, so it's not an issue. Stop means STOP.