What's your safe word?

[unfoundiamond]

I recently was playing with a Navy boy...

He was(is) a firefighter in the Navy, so always concerned with safety before he tried choaking me while I rode him, he asked me what my "safety" was...

I looked at him a little cross eyed, as we often talk about "safewords" I gave him a word... and my past exploits had either discussed a word or completely acted like they didn't exist (yes puppy that means you) I had never considered using a signal... not a word...

He tapped my arm where it meets my shoulder and said, (half ordering) "this is your safety"

So he is a little interested in ropes right... guess when he ties me I won't have the mobility to be able to tap him, and that's why maybe a word and a signal are both necesarry...

I at first wondered why more people don't use a signal not a word, and that must be why... anytime immobility is part of the constraints put on the "bottom" a signal involving touch is not possible...

*daydreaming*

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I use the word "seriously" because I know that whatever state I'm in, it will come to mind, and I'm never going to use it unless I'm actually serious.

And I had to giggle a little at the safeword "purple", cause around here we use the conventional colors occasionally too, and have additionally agreed that "purple" can be translated as "you're not even impressing me yet and you hit like a girl." It elicits a very strong response *grin*

bj

 

[Stegral]

**Jumps in**

Well.. interesting points... My input now, sorry for the length...


kumkwat was the best, derailed my train of thought totally

I did enjoy the "there is NO red in this house".

The words I am comfy with are the traffic light system.
Being a truck-driver It is something VERY easy for me to remember.
Green is Good, keep going please...
Yellow is tread lightly/back up just a bit, you are closing in on a limit...
Red is STOP immediatley, we need to talk and/or stop the scene.

In either role (yes I switch) colours are asked for occasionally throughout the scene. I am still learning more & more each time I play plus I am not in a TPE, nor am I even "under consideration" so I NEED safewords when I play..

I have issues with the OP'ers thought of "please stop now" or other such things...
What if it is a very intense scene, one that INVOLVES struggle & verbalization? Like a rape scene or a kidnapping scene. Those phrases the OP'er offered would just confuse the situation would they not?

as for being gagged... our group has many different signals from the FU finger to a handtowel being waved to tennnis/ping pong balls or keys dropped...

As for the "purple" my group has two odd colours they add into the mix as well.

"ouchie green" means it hurts like hell but I like it, keep going...
"pink,piNK, PINK" means I love it but I am gonna red soon... (as per the caller).

I am not secure enough as a Dominant to NOT allow safewords.
I do not trust anyone enough to dismiss safewords as a Bottom...
I have only called red once & all was stopped immediately (1st waxplay)

Maybe once I am collared & that trust is built I can let go of the safewords.

Until then they freaking STAY.

 

[malinborn]

i've never used a safe word... okay, once many many years ago when i thought i was going to die, but outside of that.. i have never used a safeword... Ms Sassey liked to ask me for a color and to be a smart ass i would say Puce which would usually get me smacked. But if she demanded a color it was always green. If i had to use a safeword my chosen word was was "Friend."

Just as in.. whoa.. i need a friend right now.. not a Mistress. Anyway. my $.02

 

[SweetDomme_29]

My subs use My first name as a safeword. It is the only time they are allowed to use My first name.

I have given them this option because I know that no matter how carried away I may get hearing my first name will bring me back :caning:

 

[rida]

My subs use My first name as a safeword. It is the only time they are allowed to use My first name.

I have given them this option because I know that no matter how carried away I may get hearing my first name will bring me back :caning:

I like the idea of using the first name as a safe word. Of course it would not work in a relationship where the first name is already used normally, but for all the other cases, I think it is really a great idea; a clear signal that you need to step out of whatever you are doing and get back in the here and now.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Sounds an odd one, but I'm a beaver scout leader, so we use my leader's name as its something we both understand and can remember.

 

[nh23]

I'm in 24/7 TPE so I have no safeword, but in my previous relationship my safeword was pineapple. It was his choosing and I liked it because it gave me the giggles..LOL. Never used it though.

 

[Homburg]

I use the stoplight system or just plain old "safeword" for a bottom I'm not used to. With that in mind, regarding a bottom I'm not used to, just about anything will work. If she says "Stop, please", "slow down", "Whoa!", etc, I'm going to stop.

With my gals, no safewords are used. That said, amazingly enough, if one were to express serious distress, ask me to slow down, stop, etc I am going to hold a sec, figure out what is wrong, and then decide whether or not to continue. They may not have the power to halt a scene, but it is still their responsibility to protect themselves. Thus if a rope slips and they're in deep pain, I need to know. I may do nothing about it, but they sure as hell had better tell me. Unintentional injuries are to be avoided, and communication is the best way to do that.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Have one with some, not with others; don't use it in either case.

If i think something bad is happening that they don't want to happen i tell them otherwise i keep my mouth shut, sometimes i keep it shut anyway.

i'm not really to be trusted in the whole safeword world.

 

[CutieMouse]

Have one with some, not with others; don't use it in either case.

If i think something bad is happening that they don't want to happen i tell them otherwise i keep my mouth shut, sometimes i keep it shut anyway.

i'm not really to be trusted in the whole safeword world.

Out of curiosity (the bolded bit) - why?

 

[Homburg]

Have one with some, not with others; don't use it in either case.

If i think something bad is happening that they don't want to happen i tell them otherwise i keep my mouth shut, sometimes i keep it shut anyway.

i'm not really to be trusted in the whole safeword world.

See, this kind of thing is what worries me as a top. This is why I won't do edgy shit with people I don't know bloody well.

And no offense is meant by this statement. You obviously know yourself well enough to be aware of this, so at least your ahead of the game.

 

[ataxia.girl]

See, this kind of thing is what worries me as a top. This is why I won't do edgy shit with people I don't know bloody well.

And no offense is meant by this statement. You obviously know yourself well enough to be aware of this, so at least your ahead of the game.

i don't do casual play so no worries. Also this information about me not safewording is not top secret. i'll tell anyone who asks and if they ask me what my safeword is i just volunteer to them that well... its x but don't expect to hear it.

The only time i would be interested in casual play would be if i was owned and whored out in which case i would hope my owner would be setting the limits. i'm just not into it and am very turned off by the idea that i need make these sorts of decisions.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Out of curiosity (the bolded bit) - why?

Fuck if i know. i don't "play" becuase i like how it feels. i like to suffer; perhaps "like" is the wrong word. i feel, on a very primitive level, that i deserve to and should suffer.

Sure sometimes spanking feels good. i've even had the very rare caning feel good but that is not why i crave this lifestyle. i crave a spanking like i crave chocolate cake. The need for suffering and redemption is something altogether different and would be the reason that i probably don't make a good casual play partner.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Out of curiosity (the bolded bit) - why?

OK... the one time i kept it shut anyway i had already voiced my concerns and had them dismissed before we started. i figured he would be angry if i started whining so i just took it.

i guess i feel like if i have to bring up potential issues more than once and they aren't asking me if i'm okay during then that's their deal. Its a power exchange. If they want to weild power i'm willing to suffer the consequences.

 

[Netzach]

I don't use safewords when I'm on bottom, and none of the people I currently play with do, either. We're not people who are prone to saying things we don't mean, like saying stop when we don't *really* want it to stop. So around here, "Ow, goddammit, STOP THAT!" is taken at face value.

Same.

I'm not opposed to anyone having an "out" - M's "no really stop" gets my attention - even H who has no real out can still lobby for me to stop doing whatever I'm doing. If I think he has a point, I'll stop. Sometimes I'll stop long before he wants me to, also.

 

[Netzach]

i don't do casual play so no worries. Also this information about me not safewording is not top secret. i'll tell anyone who asks and if they ask me what my safeword is i just volunteer to them that well... its x but don't expect to hear it.

The only time i would be interested in casual play would be if i was owned and whored out in which case i would hope my owner would be setting the limits. i'm just not into it and am very turned off by the idea that i need make these sorts of decisions.

Actually, this reluctance to use final stop words is why the traffic light thing is something I grudingly do with casual partners, but I hate and think it sucks. I've always played with bottoms who DO NOT WANT to use the stop word, even if the world is about to end. Which makes sense to me, I *get* that - it's not super duper helpful, but I respect it.

I'd rather hear "Ma'am I think I'm gonna pass out" than "red - THUNK" anyway! Long before the THUNK point - so I'm a talker. I'm a prodder, poker, whisperer - checking in doesn't have to mean "oh is it ok if I hit you again?" it can accomplish getting ME the same info while still being much more menacing or humiliating for the bottom.

Because I'm in a kind of constant contact, I rarely ever head safewords in a commercial scene or a non-commercial scene - they HAD them, but the ebb and flow and communication was in normal detailed english.

I do M/s and I sure as hell still have a safety signal with H when the hood with the three breathing grommets goes on. There are times a safety is FINE no matter how owned they may be.

 

[desertslave]

We don't do safewords, either. I just speak plain if there's a problem. I have a few joint troubles so all I need to do is say "shoulder" or "knee" and he knows exactly what's wrong. We don't play at resistance, where no means yes, or any of that stuff, so dealing direct works fine.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Actually, this reluctance to use final stop words is why the traffic light thing is something I grudingly do with casual partners, but I hate and think it sucks. I've always played with bottoms who DO NOT WANT to use the stop word, even if the world is about to end. Which makes sense to me, I *get* that - it's not super duper helpful, but I respect it.

i can get a little dark sometimes and when i'm in that frame of mind i can't really be trusted to tell....oddly enough though i think i would if i was told they would be very disappointed if i didn't. If i thought i was going to get in trouble for not telling and letting them hurt me more than they wanted to i would most likely say something. i would not like it though if someone thought they didn't need to be careful or check in with me because i had a safeword. i don't want the power OR the responsibility but i do want approval and if i had to safeword to get it i would.

The person i regularly do pain play with actually made me safeword several months ago. He told me he was going to hit me increasingly harder until i safeworded and that was the only way it would stop because he wanted to get a feel for my threshold. i found i was actually able to take more that way and he got a better feel for just how hard he could go.

i'm sure i could be trained to use a safeword it just hasn't been a priority for anyone i've been with. It really depends on who the Top is though and what they are like. i'm far less likely to complain when a sadist is hurting me than if the Top is inflicting the pain for my benefit. If i'm taking it for them i can take much much more. If i'm taking it for me i'm a big baby and i moan and complain and jump around and beg for it to stop and even indicate i can't take anymore. That would be the point in my mind when i actually consider safewording though they have always quit before i needed to.

One thing though is i'm not sure i would ever be capable of safewording in a punishment scenario. my pain threshold goes WAY up if i am being punished for something i've done and i feel very guilty. Its highly unlikely i could say anything even if i thought the harm being done was unintentional.

The stuff i was into with Uncle Jackass was more on the humiliation\degradation side in which case i never had a safeword and i never felt anything but fine about not having one. Safewords do not make me feel more comfortable, they make me feel in control which for me is often the opposite of comfortable.

 

[shy slave]

I always use the traffic light system.

I had a situation once where I was way beyond what I could take at the time, yet I was in a place mentally which was hard to come back from.
I struggled like hell to remember any words at all and managed to whisper 'red.'

I should say he had noticed my floating away and we had discussed pushing boundaries so he felt confident I would use the safeword when it was needed.

That experience taught me that when in a floating mental space I cannot trust myself and that I need a word that I know, not one that the PYL chooses.

Since that time I have spoken to many Doms who in various ways announce what my safe word will be

Banana
Circus
His name (as oppose to his Lordship etc etc etc)
Animal

I make it clear, if the word is to protect me then I need something I will be able to say at the point it is needed, not something I have to try and recall, which has the potential for getting it wrong.

Should a Dom decide I am wrong on this point, that's ok, as long as he realises that his view probably makes him the wrong Dom for me.

It took a short sharp lesson from Andante to get me to use a safe word, but I can only recall using it twice.

As for the OP, I am with Catalina, in her views that it all sounds very fantasy land, and his views would wave big red flags for me.

 

[Homburg]

Actually, this reluctance to use final stop words is why the traffic light thing is something I grudingly do with casual partners, but I hate and think it sucks. I've always played with bottoms who DO NOT WANT to use the stop word, even if the world is about to end. Which makes sense to me, I *get* that - it's not super duper helpful, but I respect it.

Y'know, I've never played with a bottom that was anything other than anti-safeword, and never seen a post on any board that said that the poster was fine with safewords. The vast majority say they won't use safewords, never use them, hate them, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if it is just macho bullshit. When I was still playing with "w", the first thing she said to me all starry-eyed and gooey was that she does not use safewords, preferring to let her master decide. I demanded safewords because I (rightly) did not trust her. Yep, first serious scene we did she yelped out yellow a couple of times and was on her way to red. I'd slow down, change position, and start back up, and she'd safeword again. Let the top decide? I think not.

I do M/s and I sure as hell still have a safety signal with H when the hood with the three breathing grommets goes on. There are times a safety is FINE no matter how owned they may be.

A while back, MIS jokingly called red in a scene. My reply was a Tom Hanks-esque "There's no red in this house!" (a la the line from "League of Their Own" about no crying in baseball), but I still surreptitiously checked her condition anyway to make sure she was okay. Slave or not, distress is distress.

----

We don't play at resistance, where no means yes, or any of that stuff, so dealing direct works fine.

I don't go for that either. Probably another reason why I like straight communication as well.

 

[cujo13]

safe word

I've been a sub to my wife for 20 years. Safe word we use is "pizza". It's totally away from what we are doing and is just that, a safe word. I've used it only 3 or 4 times. We're older now and don't do it quite as much or quite as hard. As a good sub I feel like a wimp after saying "pizza". When I was younger I subbed to other people and did not have safe word. No horror stories, though someone did put a cigarette out on my ass while I was bound. Quite painful. Nothing a safe word would have done to help that.

 

[the captians wench]

Let me explain a bit better what I meant by 'staying in character' and why i preffer phrases like 'please, have mercy':

For me the pleasure of bdsm lies not only in the types of sexual play, but also in the psychological aspects - the sub's obedience towards her master, the knowledge that she is his property and that he may do as he desires with her body. Having a safeword which the dom always respects tends to brake this 'act', this pretense. For it is an act, unless you're into total power exchange.

Admitting the necessity of safewords, i think that at least we can choose those that 'break' the act the least. Stuff like 'please, have mercy'.

Of course, i do agree that they're too long and i'm trying to come up with shorter ones.

Hoping this made sense...

I was stop light trained when I first got into BDSM. In those early days the friend I played with most, who was training me in the stop light system, wouldn't let me speak. I was not allowd to say a word unless asked a question. Every now and then he would stop the pain and fondle a tender area and ask "how does it feel?" and I would respond with a color. Green almost always was the answer, he would stop a lot sooner than I would I was very eager to be pushed as far as I could be but he had the sence to tell when I had enough. Using these colors didn't put a damper on the mood because of how he addressed me. In the first few play sessions I was scared that he would not ask me how I was doing before it was too much, but after playing with him a few times, I realized that he knew my reactions and my body better than I did. Checking in with me was just a precausion.

When Jounar and I first played and he asked me how I was doing and I said "green" he was totally puzzled. *giggles* That kind of broke things for a moment while I went back and explained to him my "programed" responces to that question. He's gotten used to it, but for the most part I think he prefers when I discribe what I'm feeling and actually talk to him. I do too, in some ways, but some times I'm just zoned out and I honestly can't think of words.

I remember the first time I was too zoned out to think of what I wanted to say. I think it was my first long session on what we call "the tack board" (yes it's a board with tacks glued to it so the sharp point is up). I remember thinking, "oh God, somethings wrong, something doesn't feel right. something hurts, it hurts...bad hurt...say it! Come on Wenchie! Say it hurts! Say somethings wrong! Why aren't my lips moving? OMG HOW DO I TALK!" then "yellow" came rushing out of my mouth, and he released me from them. I remember thinking how funny it was that the only word I wasn't thinking is the one that came out of my mouth. Since then, no one has taken me that deep where I couldn't remember how to talk, but it's always been a comfort for me to know that if I am ever that far out of it, something will come out of my mouth.

I've played both with people who liked for me to tell them when something felt wrong and those who only relied on safe words. Personally I like to mix them best. If I'm feeling queezie or if something just doesn't feel right, I'll express that. If a stike is hit in a really bad spot sending shooting pain down my leg it's "yellow". Colors are used to draw attention, something is really wrong, words are used for milder things that may not need attention right away. There is only one exception to this and that is "juice". I'm hypoglycemic, so when I say "juice" I need OJ pronto to get my sugar back up. Most of the time I don't let it get low enough to have to juice out, but some times I can get caught up in the moment and wait too long and then I feel the beginings of a sugar bottom and "juice" comes rushing out of my mouth just like that "yellow" did before.

Like I said, I find comfort in these words that just come out with out me thinking about it. They are odd enough that they draw attention, and I'm aware enough about them to comunicate that when one of them comes out of my mouth you need to check this or do this. I've used 'juice' in totally vanilla instances before too, when I'm too low for "I need to eat soon". Mom knows 'juice' means 'get OJ now and then food'. I would rather comunicate what I'm feeling all of the time, but some times I really honestly can't remember how to.

 

[desertslave]

My other problem with safewords is that when I'm halfway to subspace (or more) I get very quiet and barely know my own name. I've freaked Master out more than once, though I DID explain what I'm like to him ahead of time. He's very good at observing me and knowing when to just "coast" with a flogging or caning, or when to stop entirely. However, that's something that he's learned with me over time. I don't think "just observing" works very well with casual or occasional play. Tricky stuff.

 

[myinnerslut]

A while back, MIS jokingly called red in a scene. My reply was a Tom Hanks-esque "There's no red in this house!" (a la the line from "League of Their Own" about no crying in baseball), but I still surreptitiously checked her condition anyway to make sure she was okay. Slave or not, distress is distress.

a-chem? it wasnt a scene. you were doing trigger point work on my shoulder.

as an aside, i will say i have used my safeword before with A, and rightly so. with Master, i had a safeword as a submissive, and as a slave i will always imform him if i think something is wrong. sometimes the answer is just "ok" and that its supposed to hurt like that other times the problem turns out to be something that needs fixing. eiter way communication is key.