When a Dominant does wrong

[Netzach]

post dysfunction

 

[callinectes]

There are some pretty freaking HUGE issues about my Bull that I would have changed if I could. When I was in my mid 20's I had it out with him, I told him what it did to me, I "how could you-d" him. And rather than hiding or fighting he very gently told me that this was how and who he was and where he was at and what I could expect, and if I wanted to fire him as a lover, that was something I could do, or expect him to be like that and continue on.

I thought about it. I came very close to parting ways. I decided that I didn't want to. Not out of need for him or it, but out of the decision that I liked what I had and what I did get more than I was hurt by what I don't. That if the things that drove me crazy were that endemic to who he is, I would want to learn to accept them if I really do love him.

It really tested my acceptance. My acceptance is tested a lot by that rel. But I weigh things out, and it's always more good than not-good, and it quiets my frustration very quickly when I decide again that I decided and continue to, to relate to him and love him as he is. Now. Exactly. Life is very very short, and I don't have time to put a lot of conditions on love.

I've always gotten that in turn.

The neat part is that this really helped ready me to apply this in my marriage. There are things I'd change, things we're working on changing together, things that M changes as an outcropping of submission to me, and really weird quirks that I kind of hate to love but do.

You have given me some serious food for thought. Thanks.

 

[Recidiva]

Yep.

OCD and ADHD are sometimes both our Dom. Railing against = at times pointless, mean.

Yes, that's a lot of it. It's nice that our little family here is accepting of a lot of weird. We all have our little OCD quirks and my son has autism.

That adds up to a lot of patience and love for each other, while also being completely rubbed wrong by the people you love.

But I think if there were no conflict at all, I'd be bored to tears. It's good to know what's hardwired and what's negotiable, and that takes experience.

 

[graceanne]

Previous relationships were endable. This one isn't.

I don't nag and I don't get pissed so much, because both of them make me feel ucky (very technical emotional description.) What I will do, is behave "as if" I were alone in my life. I'll stop asking for anything and I'll get fairly distant and independent. Lucky for me, he hates that.

I get into a space where I just live as if I were alone. Nobody to blame, nobody to ask, I just do everything that needs to be done without his help. It helps me appreciate him also, because sometimes there's just stuff I can't do. (Last time I dragged out the lawnmower in a pseudo-huff, I couldn't start it. I didn't admit that because he'd already taken it out of my hands amd mowed the lawn before I fessed up and asked him to tell me how to start it. Huffs that end badly are when you're so bad at doing something...you can't...I haven't done certain things in years...)

It gets me back into a space where I appreciate him and also stand upright to avoid that leany thing that might lead to me being overdependent, another thing that makes me feel ucky. I like just dependent enough. It's not my fault that he can fix and do everything.

When I REALLY get irritated I just tell him I might ask him to go do the shopping...alone. I've done every grocery trip (sometimes with his escort) for about eight years. He has yet to go it alone. It really never goes further than that. That's the trump card.

Basically I've had some pretty awful early experiences, but I've lucked out this time.

I used to do that - just do it myself and all that. With my health the way it is, normally if I ask him to do soething it's cause I can't. For instance I got a new computer screen, the old one's been sitting by the door for three days. I can't lift it, it's too heavy. If he doesn't move it soon I will mostly likely lose my patience. And I'm going to warn him of this tonight. I don't work trying to keep this house clean to be tripping over a wasted old computer screen.

But! that's besides the point. LOL

Is there some code contained within the penis that stops all grocery shopping when partnered? How do gay guys do it? I am so glad to know it's not just me.

Though if I actually sat and made a list and made it an official order I'd have nothing to bitch about.

Sorry hijack...

K doesn't mind shopping, I object to him shopping. He never gets anything we need, and he gets tons of junk food that I can't eat. I guarantee if there's chocolate in the kitchen I will eat it in the middle of the night. IT'S WHY I DON'T BUY IT.

He also has to drive always. I haven't driven him anywhere...ever. HAS to. No negotiations.

I'm used to several things that are no negotiations, including some very odd OCD issues. He appreciates that.

Though the thing about him having to make the bed...even though there's a person IN it...resulted in him ripping the blankets off me for a few years, until I got separate sets of everything for us both.

ARE WE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN? K always drives, he's the worse side seat driver alive. On the rare occasion he's let me drive I pulled over, told him to get off my ass or drive. He's anal about everything from WHEN I switch lanes to . . . . well everything.

And he's seriously anal about the stupid bedding. Heaven forbid there's a wrinkle when we get into bed.

 

[Recidiva]

ARE WE MARRIED TO THE SAME MAN? K always drives, he's the worse side seat driver alive. On the rare occasion he's let me drive I pulled over, told him to get off my ass or drive. He's anal about everything from WHEN I switch lanes to . . . . well everything.

And he's seriously anal about the stupid bedding. Heaven forbid their's a wrinkle when we get into bed.

*starts to giggle*

I can't imagine it's the same person...because who has the time...but it's nice to know there are parallel issues.

It is a totally acceptable "reason" to do anything to say "Because I'm weird, okay?" "The judge has to accept that as an answer..."

Principle has sorta given way in several cases to determined insanity. This also allows you to pull the "Get into Insane Free" card later on.

 

[northwoods_sub]

Though the thing about him having to make the bed...even though there's a person IN it...resulted in him ripping the blankets off me for a few years, until I got separate sets of everything for us both.

Thank god!! I thought this was my husbands own personal obsession, I am so relieved that I am not the only one who has to go through that.
I will be lying in bed on occasions that I went to bed before him and he comes in and lifts ALL of the blankets off of the bed and waves them all out so there is no wrinkles and everything is laying flat. Drives me absolutely batty.

 

[graceanne]

Thank god!! I thought this was my husbands own personal obsession, I am so relieved that I am not the only one who has to go through that.
I will be lying in bed on occasions that I went to bed before him and he comes in and lifts ALL of the blankets off of the bed and waves them all out so there is no wrinkles and everything is laying flat. Drives me absolutely batty.

If I'm in bed, and it' snot straight, and I hear him coming I grab the blankets and hold them tight,

 

[wenchhh]

Coming out of lurkdome to comment on this one. I too have been wondering about this. I guess it was too early in the relationship for me to have much clout about being disappointed when life got "in the way" and I had to take a back seat, hell, had to walk home. I would hope that I'll be "once bitten twice shy" and have the common sense to work that out/set up that boundary ahead of time, if there ever is a next time.
Yes, CM, I can tell it's making you absofuckinglutely nuts. (grin) I know how that goes. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Hang in there girl, it's gonna get better! Just my inexperienced 2 cents!

I think part of what I'm bumping up against, is hearing my old therapist's voice in my head reminding me that no one is more powerful in a relationship, than in the very beginning when a good foundation is laid... and I'm trying to sort out how that foundation gets laid with regards to life getting in the way, and as the submissive knowing if Life gets in the way on my end, there are consequences, but if Life gets in the way on his end... what is there for checks and balances and correction of bad habits/thoughtlesness/etc?

(The temporary distance/busy thing is making me absofuckinglootley nuts, triggering some old tapes of mine, and frustrating the shit out of me this weekend. Can you tell? LOL)

 

[wenchhh]

Netzach, this was a REALLY great post. It's amazing that you're able to think this way. I can only aspire to be so healthy, have such good boundaries, and be able to put it into conscious thought and articulate it even! Thanks. I think I'm gonna save your post and read it over a few times. It's really a great way to look at things.

There are some pretty freaking HUGE issues about my Bull that I would have changed if I could. When I was in my mid 20's I had it out with him, I told him what it did to me, I "how could you-d" him. And rather than hiding or fighting he very gently told me that this was how and who he was and where he was at and what I could expect, and if I wanted to fire him as a lover, that was something I could do, or expect him to be like that and continue on.

I thought about it. I came very close to parting ways. I decided that I didn't want to. Not out of need for him or it, but out of the decision that I liked what I had and what I did get more than I was hurt by what I don't. That if the things that drove me crazy were that endemic to who he is, I would want to learn to accept them if I really do love him.

It really tested my acceptance. My acceptance is tested a lot by that rel. But I weigh things out, and it's always more good than not-good, and it quiets my frustration very quickly when I decide again that I decided and continue to, to relate to him and love him as he is. Now. Exactly. Life is very very short, and I don't have time to put a lot of conditions on love.

I've always gotten that in turn.

The neat part is that this really helped ready me to apply this in my marriage. There are things I'd change, things we're working on changing together, things that M changes as an outcropping of submission to me, and really weird quirks that I kind of hate to love but do.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

My Master is very OCD. He's even got me washing the dishes in a specific order (glasses first, mugs, dishes, cutlery & then cooking pans). He has no thing about bed sheets and isn't even all that tidy but that doesn't prevent Him from inflicting myriad OCD quirks on me.

Maybe all domination is really just an extension of OCD?

If I have an issue I have a tendency to get sulky and resentful if I don't bring it up. He'll listen and take things on board but has a real knee-jerk aversion to feeling 'blamed' for anything, even if I really think something is His fault I'm a bit more tactful these days.

If He doesn't follow through on a committment to change something I'll bring it up but He won't discuss why He didn't do X instead of Y again. There'll be no more discussion but He will then be pointed about it when He does deliver, which is my cue to be encouraging and grateful.

We haven't had any major issues, just little niggly ones. If it were potentially a dealbreaker we'd probably both act with appropriate gravitas.

 

[Recidiva]

Thank god!! I thought this was my husbands own personal obsession, I am so relieved that I am not the only one who has to go through that.
I will be lying in bed on occasions that I went to bed before him and he comes in and lifts ALL of the blankets off of the bed and waves them all out so there is no wrinkles and everything is laying flat. Drives me absolutely batty.

LOL! He did the exact same thing. Now I have two blankets of my own, his dominion is the sheet, I go nowhere near it.

"Compromises you never thought you'd have to make."

 

[Recidiva]

My Master is very OCD. He's even got me washing the dishes in a specific order (glasses first, mugs, dishes, cutlery & then cooking pans). He has no thing about bed sheets and isn't even all that tidy but that doesn't prevent Him from inflicting myriad OCD quirks on me.

Maybe all domination is really just an extension of OCD?

If I have an issue I have a tendency to get sulky and resentful if I don't bring it up. He'll listen and take things on board but has a real knee-jerk aversion to feeling 'blamed' for anything, even if I really think something is His fault I'm a bit more tactful these days.

If He doesn't follow through on a committment to change something I'll bring it up but He won't discuss why He didn't do X instead of Y again. There'll be no more discussion but He will then be pointed about it when He does deliver, which is my cue to be encouraging and grateful.

We haven't had any major issues, just little niggly ones. If it were potentially a dealbreaker we'd probably both act with appropriate gravitas.

I'd say OCD usually has a hand in it somewhere...at least in theory...

I have to be very careful with any issue. Any ounce of resistance or anger, and I'm basically attempting to storm the beaches at Normandy undefended. "I just want to talk!" "Warning shot in 3...2...1..."

I no longer count anger as one of my weapons. I will be disarmed and tossed in solitary SO fast.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I have to pick my moment and when talking about a problem I am tact and diplomacy personified.

That's not to say I never lose my temper... Master just happens to be a lot more accomplished at that than me.

 

[Recidiva]

I have to pick my moment and when talking about a problem I am tact and diplomacy personified.

That's not to say I never lose my temper... Master just happens to be a lot more accomplished at that than me.

Yes, I will never win if anger is involved. He's beyond my match at temper, and that's saying quite a bit.

It's taken me a few years to get even partial credit toward "DUDE! I am ON your SIDE."

 

[CutieMouse]

The OCD comments are making me smile...

Everything has it's place - down to the millimeter. One of my "jobs" in our relationship, is to smooth out his "sharp edges", so after about 48 hours of seeing him square various things (vases, small sculptures from his colelction, etc), I threatened to wake up in the middle of the night, and move every freaking thing in the house at a 20 degree angle if he didn't relax, and accept that the world will not come to a grinding halt if the silver coaster holder thing on the coffee table isn't squared exactly X distance from the edge.

him: But it belongs there.
me: The only one who thought it was out of place was YOU.
him: But if it's moved the house looks messy.
me: Dude. Your housekeeper is here 5 hours a day, 6 days a week, you don't even USE two of the bedrooms or bathrooms, and eat out twice a day. Your house is too afraid of you to get messy. No one will think less of you for an inch.
him: I like my things to be exactly where they belong.
me: *moves the damned coasters over ½"* Don't be a pussy - let it stay moved for 5 mintues to get used to the idea that you can survive imperfection... it'll come in handy, given that you're about to have me in your life.

Yes that earned me a swat on the ass, but he relaxed a little bit about straightening things.

 

[Recidiva]

The OCD comments are making me smile...

Everything has it's place - down to the millimeter. One of my "jobs" in our relationship, is to smooth out his "sharp edges", so after about 48 hours of seeing him square various things (vases, small sculptures from his colelction, etc), I threatened to wake up in the middle of the night, and move every freaking thing in the house at a 20 degree angle if he didn't relax, and accept that the world will not come to a grinding halt if the silver coaster holder thing on the coffee table isn't squared exactly X distance from the edge.

him: But it belongs there.
me: The only one who thought it was out of place was YOU.
him: But if it's moved the house looks messy.
me: Dude. Your housekeeper is here 5 hours a day, 6 days a week, you don't even USE two of the bedrooms or bathrooms, and eat out twice a day. Your house is too afraid of you to get messy. No one will think less of you for an inch.
him: I like my things to be exactly where they belong.
me: *moves the damned coasters over ½"* Don't be a pussy - let it stay moved for 5 mintues to get used to the idea that you can survive imperfection... it'll come in handy, given that you're about to have me in your life.

Yes that earned me a swat on the ass, but he relaxed a little bit about straightening things.

AHAHAHA...

Yay.

Point.

If my chaos were not appreciated, I'd be elsewhere. He is my "gyroscopic anchor." Always in the place I need him to be. And everything physically in perfect order. Me, I'm flat out crazy, and truly need the stability he provides. Together, it works.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My Master is very OCD. He's even got me washing the dishes in a specific order (glasses first, mugs, dishes, cutlery & then cooking pans).

LOL, that isn't OCD...that is how I learned back in the dark ages it was to be done if you were a good housekeeper and homemaker (and it was reinforced at home as it was the order my mother washed dishes as well)...he must have been to the same classes!!

Catalina

 

[Recidiva]

LOL, that isn't OCD...that is how I learned back in the dark ages it was to be done if you were a good housekeeper and homemaker (and it was reinforced at home as it was the order my mother washed dishes as well)...he must have been to the same classes!!

Catalina

My mom's the same. And she has OCD.

Generally the line for me gets drawn when there's something otherwise really important going on and still the rule MUST BE FOLLOWED.

"There's a hurricane. I'm going to just quick wash some of the important stuff before the lights go out."
"Don't care."

A method for cleaning things or doing things ultimately DOES need to be flexible. When it can't be even under extreme circumstances...yeah, I think that's OCD. It's a spectrum, of course, and sometimes it's just being a stubborn son of a bitch, but sometimes it's got a full head of steam from brain chemistry, and not any actual rhyme or reason.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

The OCD comments are making me smile...

Everything has it's place - down to the millimeter. One of my "jobs" in our relationship, is to smooth out his "sharp edges", so after about 48 hours of seeing him square various things (vases, small sculptures from his colelction, etc), I threatened to wake up in the middle of the night, and move every freaking thing in the house at a 20 degree angle if he didn't relax, and accept that the world will not come to a grinding halt if the silver coaster holder thing on the coffee table isn't squared exactly X distance from the edge.

Ooh that's hardcore OCD. I seriously could not cope with that. Everything that matters I will 100% defer to Master but I find it very hard to clutter my head with existential shit like that.

Luckily I don't get to decide what matters.

The exception with Master is His music stuff; guitars, pc, recording stuff, amps etc. I go nowhere near any of that stuff in case I accidentally breathe on it. I even had a nightmare once where I tripped over and broke His newest guitar. I was half tempted to go check on it when I woke up.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

LOL, that isn't OCD...that is how I learned back in the dark ages it was to be done if you were a good housekeeper and homemaker (and it was reinforced at home as it was the order my mother washed dishes as well)...he must have been to the same classes!!

Catalina

Dishwashing classes? I'm sorry Catalina but that just screams OCD.

You put them in.
You scrub them.
You take them out.
They're clean!

What's to organise exactly?

 

[CutieMouse]

Dishwashing classes? I'm sorry Catalina but that just screams OCD.

You put them in.
You scrub them.
You take them out.
They're clean!

What's to organise exactly?

Noooo nonononono. If you don't do them properly, then the water gets dirty too early in the process, and you have to drain the water, refill the sink, and start all over because there's a dirty greasy film on everything. And before you actually wash them, you have to stack things in an organized manner next to the sink... and they have to go in the dish drainer the right way, too, or it's ineffecient to take them out of the drainer and put them away.

I'm anal about grocery shopping, too. My shopping list? Broken down by section (pantry/dairy/frozen), and if I know the store well enough, it's also broken down by rows so I only have to do one trip around the store. The Dominican bag boys won't let me put my own groceries on the checkout counter, which made me twitch SO BAD when I was there, because they might not do it properly. (all frozen together, all refrigerated items together, all baking pantry together, all produce together, all canned goods together, all toiletries together - each "section" should be neatly bagged; canned goods are double bagged, vegetables and fruits seperated...)

Okay so now everyone understands why I'm able to laugh at J's loveable OCD-ness and tell him he is so not high maintinence.

 

[northwoods_sub]

Noooo nonononono. If you don't do them properly, then the water gets dirty too early in the process, and you have to drain the water, refill the sink, and start all over because there's a dirty greasy film on everything. And before you actually wash them, you have to stack things in an organized manner next to the sink... and they have to go in the dish drainer the right way, too, or it's ineffecient to take them out of the drainer and put them away.

I'm anal about grocery shopping, too. My shopping list? Broken down by section (pantry/dairy/frozen), and if I know the store well enough, it's also broken down by rows so I only have to do one trip around the store. The Dominican bag boys won't let me put my own groceries on the checkout counter, which made me twitch SO BAD when I was there, because they might not do it properly. (all frozen together, all refrigerated items together, all baking pantry together, all produce together, all canned goods together, all toiletries together - each "section" should be neatly bagged; canned goods are double bagged, vegetables and fruits seperated...)

Okay so now everyone understands why I'm able to laugh at J's loveable OCD-ness and tell him he is so not high maintinence.

I am so in the same shoes when it comes to dishes, or just about anything in the house. Before our relationship was D/s Sir would try to "help" me with the house work. He would n't put things back where I thought they belonged, and don't even get me started on laundry and him folding the clothes incorrectly!!! I think I nearly had an aneurysm. I finally just went up to him and said, "STOP, just stop if you can't do it right don't do it at all because I will just have to do it again after you."


He doesn't really try to help with housework anymore, I wonder why?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Dishwashing classes? I'm sorry Catalina but that just screams OCD.

You put them in.
You scrub them.
You take them out.
They're clean!

What's to organise exactly?

Oh to be so young ...not dishwashing classes, but classes they used to teach in the old days in high school to prepare you for life which included how to run a household without chaos, hygiene in the house (which was why you washed the dishes in that order and also to maximise a clean look as well as actual clean dishes), pregnancy and what to expect of motherhood and bringing up children, basic childhood milestones so you would know if your baby/child might need extra help or be ill, how to fold and put on a nappy (pre-disposable days and much more environmentally friendly), how to shop economically and effectively, basically basic life skills. Now they hand out eggs or packets of flour as pretend babies and wonder why teenagers get pregnant and still don't have a clue how to look after a baby, themselves and a household.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Noooo nonononono. If you don't do them properly, then the water gets dirty too early in the process, and you have to drain the water, refill the sink, and start all over because there's a dirty greasy film on everything. And before you actually wash them, you have to stack things in an organized manner next to the sink... and they have to go in the dish drainer the right way, too, or it's ineffecient to take them out of the drainer and put them away.

LOL, F insisted we get a dishwasher in our new kitchen and I learned apparently he had taught all his friends wives how to load the cutlery so it was quick and easy to put away later. I was impressed and yes, it made sense. What didn't make sense was he was quite ready to put dishes in the dishwasher without rinsing off first..lovely, bits of carrot, mashed potatoes, rice, gravy, meat all going through the wash...yuk....and I hate when people wash up in a sink with the same habit and then want you to stay to dinner after seeing their plates etc., washed with greasy, food speckled water...or worse, when they ask you if you would like a drink and you see them grab a glass or cup from the sink, inspect it, then grab a dirty tea towel (clean paper towel if your lucky) to polish off any dirty spots or traces it hasn't been washed since it was last used...yuk, horrors!!

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

LOL, that isn't OCD...that is how I learned back in the dark ages it was to be done if you were a good housekeeper and homemaker (and it was reinforced at home as it was the order my mother washed dishes as well)...he must have been to the same classes!!

Catalina

That's how my mother taught me to do dishes. It makes sense, cause then you can stack them better, and things are less likely to fall off the counter and break.

K can be rather anal, but to tell the truth I'm the anal one. It's been remarked on how well my house is organized. Everything has a place. The first time I got sick K, obviously, had to take over the housework. Once, when i was getting better, he'd just done the dishes, and went outside for a smoke. He'd just moved stuff aside on the counter, though, so I started putting it all away. (I'd put something away - then sit down and catch my breath, get up put something else away . . .) Anyway, he came inside to totally clean counters and said "HOW'D YOU DO THAT?' LOL