When the submissive makes more $ than the Dominant

[D's mariposa]

I make more than D. Especially since he was laid off due to the fires. (We heard yesterday that they should be back to work mid August ish.) So if you look at it in the black and white, I make more than him.

Enter the grey areas...

Due to bad decisions on my part, D makes more than me because I am literally drowning in debt. When it comes down to disposal income, that which is not designated to Those Which Must Be Paid, he has more than I do.

As to who handles the households funds, he does. On my first check of the month, I pay my outstanding bills. On my second check, I give him my household money and he makes sure people get paid and the gas stays on. Even though I do make more than he does, our bills were split fairly evenly, tilted a little more in his direction.

It bothers me that he pays more of anything than I do because I do make more. I feel that my contribution should be greater. He says not to worry about it, because it'll all even out in the end. Since he's temprarily not working, I've worked it out to be able to contribute more. But my creditors were not amused.

(He is getting some emergency compensation for this, but obviously, it's not as much as he was making before.)

I have no issues with blindly handing over the fundage to him at the end of the month; with my track record and my lack of organisation it makes nothing but sense. SOmetime I may take it over, but for now, this works for us.

 

[FungiUg]

Er, I think I may be headed into exactly this situation. To be honest, I haven't asked her how much she earns. It's incidental really. I suspect it's more than I earn. I don't see the issue -- other than an insecurity with the dominant.

 

[Netzach]

I make marginally more than M, but M has made over his lifetime substantially more than me.

And spent it. And spent more.

It's very tempting to want to grab a hold of controlling the debtors finances, however, it's also not that simple. I'm not more financially gifted than M. I've just always been more scared of debt. That's the only difference.

I spend what I make, he spent more than he made.

We both need an advisor, a 3rd party financial Dom/me.

 

[Ebonyfire]

We both need an advisor, a 3rd party financial Dom/me.

Can you imagine how that would look on a resume?

 

[Netzach]

Heh.

I always wondered what I'd put on my resume if I went the Pro Domme route.

Consultant, I think.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Heh.

I always wondered what I'd put on my resume if I went the Pro Domme route.

Consultant, I think.

Here is a good one. Human Factors consultant.



Kinky Ergonomics

 

[emer]

I hate talking about or dealing with money! I make almost 70,000 a year and don't have a pot to piss in! My credit sucks! Hell, the car I drive is in someone else's name because I couldn't get a loan!

But I bust my ass and so far am chipping away at all the accrued debt. The kids and I have shelter, food, and make darn sure to have fun.

Just chiming in because one of the red flags I saw in my brief foray into BDSM was the money issue. I got turned off and freaked out when I discovered that not only did He (all of the few He's I met) make less than I, He wanted to control the pocketbook. My pocketbook! I'm not saying all Doms are like that. I haven't met all Doms. Just my limited experience.

It's one of the things I sometimes wonder about myself. In my vanilla world ... falling for a wonderful vanilla guy who totally has his stuff together ... I can imagine being happy handing over the paycheck ... getting an allowance ... letting him handle the money issues.

Just wonder why the thought of letting a Dom do the same gives me the creeps.

emer

 

[FungiUg]

Not all dominants need control over things like money -- varies from person to person, depending on how much control they like. It's something that should be discussed well ahead of time.

I know the idea of a submissive expecting me to control her in non-sexual ways is, er, damned scary! Sexually, yep, bring it on. But non-sexually, I want her to be her own person.

So... just need to discuss these things ahead of time and make sure you're compatible in that area.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Agreed, this is a tough issue in the vanilla world and an even tougher issue when it comes to BDSM.

I will eventually be financially well-off, but with education and other delays my earning power has been deferred. I have dated four girls (two of those were submissives for me) who came from wealthy families. One had a trust fund in excess of $10,000,000. Nearly everyone could work for forty years and not make that much money.

So I have experienced the undertones....luckily I have education and ambition to fill in the gaps, but external judgments can be difficult. I had a father ask me point blank if I would be dating his daughter if she worked at a McDonald's. Nevermind she had not mentioned financial circumstances until we had been together for six weeks.

But back to the question....

I do not have hangups about money. I will have a healthy income, but if my submissive makes more than me so be it! And unfortunately I seem to be pound-wise and penny-foolish, so it would be great if a more detail oriented submissive partner could take care of the routine finances and I would only need to bother with long term planning. That would be a great match. If over time she proved to be more astute at long-term finances, I would turn those over to her as well.

Mutual respect and trust (not jealousy and deceit) are important for every relationship, especially a BDSM one.

 

[Ebonyfire]

There are those of us who have a broader experience with D/s. I have posted many times the fact that being the dominant partner does not always means being the primary breadwinner. It also does not mean you control the finances. It is a wise dominant who uses the talents of his/her submissive to the fullest.

If the submissive is better with money why shouldn't he/she take care of the finances?

Being in control means being responsible, not being controlling in the negative sense.

If your D/s is sexual only, and it works for you, fine and dandy, go with God.

However there are those of us who seek more.

 

[Ms_Black]

I know the general concensus is that as long as its "our" money not theirs or mine its okay, but I can't share that sentiment.

Despite the fact that I am fully committed to the relationship and to Him, I like to keep my financial indepence, as well as my debt, to myself. I own a home that I am remodeling and student loans I'm paying on. To me the cash inflow and outflow go together. I would never want him to be responsible for my debt, so I feel completely justified in keeping my surplus income to myself.

I'd say that's why he is comfortable with my making more, he knows any money I spend on him or us is truly extra money and not my gas payment or some such.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I know the general concensus is that as long as its "our" money not theirs or mine its okay, but I can't share that sentiment.

Despite the fact that I am fully committed to the relationship and to Him, I like to keep my financial indepence, as well as my debt, to myself. I own a home that I am remodeling and student loans I'm paying on. To me the cash inflow and outflow go together. I would never want him to be responsible for my debt, so I feel completely justified in keeping my surplus income to myself.

I'd say that's why he is comfortable with my making more, he knows any money I spend on him or us is truly extra money and not my gas payment or some such.

I think the concensus is that the choice belongs to the people involved. To each his or her own.

 

[Ms_Black]

sorry

I think the concensus is that the choice belongs to the people involved. To each his or her own.

I apologize...I thought I had a quote pieced together from a few posts. One actually said the "ours" versus theirs mine.....and the others were just in line with that. I didn't mean to make such a broad generalization...apparantly my working/posting abilities are on the drop

sorry about that everyone

Ms. B

 

[FungiUg]

Re: sorry

I apologize...I thought I had a quote pieced together from a few posts. One actually said the "ours" versus theirs mine.....and the others were just in line with that. I didn't mean to make such a broad generalization...apparantly my working/posting abilities are on the drop

Not to worry.

I have been in a long term relationship where we had "our" money, and not "hers" and "mine". I don't think I would ever go back to that. It's way too easy for one person to get lazy and rely on the other person, as well as one person to take advantage of the money.

I don't control submissives outside of sexually, and money just isn't one of my turn ons. But... different people have different kinks, and a dominant with a broader need for control may well want to micro-manage all elements of a submissive's life, including finances.

I've said it before, and no doubt I will again -- it's not enought to pick someone just by their kink. You need to know way more about what they like, dislike, and how they interact with you before entering into a relationship.

 

[s'lara]

This is an interesting thread.

i do well in my profession and don't believe it would make a difference to me. At least not in my submission.

The responses made me think of an idea for another thread.

 

[Croctden]

My earlier "ours" post

I didn't mean you have to pool your money, I meant one does not lord it over the other if they make more.

 

[Ms_Black]

Re: My earlier "ours" post

I didn't mean you have to pool your money, I meant one does not lord it over the other if they make more.

well, that certainly seems reasonable then. Just out of curiosity (and I mean that truly, not sarcastically) how do you deal with one person not having the funds. Is it always going back and forth, so that it evens out?

My issue with sharing comes more from my always feeling like its my "turn" to pay. I spend alot of money that way. Is it different for you?

wondering.

 

[Croctden]

I do fairly well, so I usually have some cash around and it's not a problem. Some people tie their salaries to their egos, as in "ha ha I make more." Then it's a problem.

 

[Justina123]

As Sir and I are planning to be 24/7 sometime in the next few months (pending his job transfer to my city) this is a topic that's' come up. He has old debts, caused by an ex-wife, that he has to pay off and he does not want to burden my kids and I with them, and he feels it would not be "right" for us to mingle finances too much until these debts are taken care of, esp. since I have quite a bit of savings and he has almost none. Though I understand all this, sometimes I have to confess to feeling a bit sensitive, as I also sense that, because he feels his ex-wife "shafted him" (ran up bills after their separation/divorce that he was ultimately legally responsible for, neglected to make mortgage payments with $ he provided, etc.), although he says he trusts me, he is reluctant....

Also, bdsm can sometimes be expensive! For instance, when we want to attend an overnight event, or go to a public dungeon, this can cost money- hotels, cover charges, etc. etc. I can afford these expenses, within reason- he often cannot- and I Soooooo want to go to some of these things, but when I offer to pay, he gets decidedly uncomfortable looking.... and it gets awkward.

Oh well, these are minor blips- just thinking out loud here- have much appreciated everyone's comments on this thread, thanks!

- justina

 

[catalina_francisco]

As Sir and I are planning to be 24/7 sometime in the next few months (pending his job transfer to my city) this is a topic that's' come up. He has old debts, caused by an ex-wife, that he has to pay off and he does not want to burden my kids and I with them, and he feels it would not be "right" for us to mingle finances too much until these debts are taken care of, esp. since I have quite a bit of savings and he has almost none. Though I understand all this, sometimes I have to confess to feeling a bit sensitive, as I also sense that, because he feels his ex-wife "shafted him" (ran up bills after their separation/divorce that he was ultimately legally responsible for, neglected to make mortgage payments with $ he provided, etc.), although he says he trusts me, he is reluctant....

Also, bdsm can sometimes be expensive! For instance, when we want to attend an overnight event, or go to a public dungeon, this can cost money- hotels, cover charges, etc. etc. I can afford these expenses, within reason- he often cannot- and I Soooooo want to go to some of these things, but when I offer to pay, he gets decidedly uncomfortable looking.... and it gets awkward.

Oh well, these are minor blips- just thinking out loud here- have much appreciated everyone's comments on this thread, thanks!

- justina

I can empathise with you. Some of these events and outings do cost, but that does not lessen the desire to go just to experience. Perhaps it is a matter of having a jar in which both drop the occasional spare change, which then becomes the money to take some of the expense out of these events. It is amazing how much it can add up to sometimes, and by it being a joint jar of funds, it lessens the ackwardness or whose money it is.

As to the baggage of the past reflecting on present choices, all I can suggest is give it time and let him see it is not your way. Hopefully over time he will relax and realise he can't judge you on another's behaviour, After all, if he is with you he obviously does not see you as another her, so maybe in time this will register with him and he will feel more comfortable with the financial aspects becoming more blended etc.

It could be he is genuine about wiping out his debts first. I know when I became Master's slave, I had a lot of problems with this myself and felt it was my responsibility from my previous life, not his. I also had the inner thoughts it was wrong in some way, perhaps inviting bad luck, to bring such burdens from the past into our present life.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

As Sir and I are planning to be 24/7 sometime in the next few months (pending his job transfer to my city) this is a topic that's' come up. He has old debts, caused by an ex-wife, that he has to pay off and he does not want to burden my kids and I with them, and he feels it would not be "right" for us to mingle finances too much until these debts are taken care of, esp. since I have quite a bit of savings and he has almost none. Though I understand all this, sometimes I have to confess to feeling a bit sensitive, as I also sense that, because he feels his ex-wife "shafted him" (ran up bills after their separation/divorce that he was ultimately legally responsible for, neglected to make mortgage payments with $ he provided, etc.), although he says he trusts me, he is reluctant....

Also, bdsm can sometimes be expensive! For instance, when we want to attend an overnight event, or go to a public dungeon, this can cost money- hotels, cover charges, etc. etc. I can afford these expenses, within reason- he often cannot- and I Soooooo want to go to some of these things, but when I offer to pay, he gets decidedly uncomfortable looking.... and it gets awkward.

Oh well, these are minor blips- just thinking out loud here- have much appreciated everyone's comments on this thread, thanks!

- justina

I can empathise with you. Some of these events and outings do cost, but that does not lessen the desire to go just to experience. Perhaps it is a matter of having a jar in which both drop the occasional spare change, which then becomes the money to take some of the expense out of these events. It is amazing how much it can add up to sometimes, and by it being a joint jar of funds, it lessens the ackwardness or whose money it is.

As to the baggage of the past reflecting on present choices, all I can suggest is give it time and let him see it is not your way. Hopefully over time he will relax and realise he can't judge you on another's behaviour, After all, if he is with you he obviously does not see you as another her, so maybe in time this will register with him and he will feel more comfortable with the financial aspects becoming more blended etc.

It could be he is genuine about wiping out his debts first. I know when I became Master's slave, I had a lot of problems with this myself and felt it was my responsibility from my previous life, not his, especially those such as mortgage which was tied in part to a life with a previous partner. I also had the inner thoughts it was wrong in some way, perhaps inviting bad luck, to bring such burdens from the past into our present life.

Catalina