Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

[Stella_Omega]

It would be a very sad day for humanity if our vibrancy and triumphs were only measured in meat and bones.

I like this even better...

 

[minx1]

sorry changed my mind for now

 

[Chiara_searches]

You look at immediate physical outcome. if there are bruises and blood, you can tell, just by looking, that there was danger and damage.

But we are not our bodies alone. People have been known to suicide after enough mental abuse. You would have to admit that they did not survive.

Also, you are spouting opinions right in the faces of people who have shared their suffering-- telling them that they didn't suffer enough.

What I think is that you owe people an apology for that. But that's only my opinion.

This.

Agreed. It would be a very sad day for humanity if our vibrancy and triumphs were only measured in meat and bones.

~You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. C. S. Lewis~

Agreed with all of the above.

 

[SweetAngel36]

Because we fear our partner and the sense of helplessness that they impose on you. The fact that you are trained from early on that you are worthless to everyone but them. That no one wants you around or to deal with you. That you lack the will power to break away from the pattern set before you because you terrified of the thought of making it on your own due to the fact that they controlled every aspect of your life and you have no idea how to be alone. The fear of never truly being free of them, of what could happen if you leave, if they will track you down because you know the punishment will be swift and severe.... and you may not survive. I didn't realize it was happening to me until it was too late and I was in too deep. But when he started on my son I ran. Thankfully my family has supported me the whole way, and i have been away from him and safe for 11 months, and i am divorced and living on my own supporting myself. Something I am extremely proud of after being afraid for so long.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Because we fear our partner and the sense of helplessness that they impose on you. The fact that you are trained from early on that you are worthless to everyone but them. That no one wants you around or to deal with you. That you lack the will power to break away from the pattern set before you because you terrified of the thought of making it on your own due to the fact that they controlled every aspect of your life and you have no idea how to be alone. The fear of never truly being free of them, of what could happen if you leave, if they will track you down because you know the punishment will be swift and severe.... and you may not survive. I didn't realize it was happening to me until it was too late and I was in too deep. But when he started on my son I ran. Thankfully my family has supported me the whole way, and i have been away from him and safe for 11 months, and i am divorced and living on my own supporting myself. Something I am extremely proud of after being afraid for so long.

You should be extremely proud of yourself for getting out of that environment and working to find a better life for you and your son. Keep taking those positive steps forward.

 

[minx1]

Some thought if they didn't misbehave I wouldn't lash out but in reality it rarely ever had to do with them.

This is one thing I agreed with in your post.

I would seek out girls that I knew would stay. It's a sick thing to say but there's a type. Obviously these are generalizations but I was most successful with girls that wanted to help me, girls that didn't grow up with a father, girls whose fathers and brothers were controlling (possibly abusive, but I can't say for sure).

I found this incredibly disturbing.

I neen to consider before I write anymore.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Chicks.

 

[minx1]

Chicks.

Care to expand?

 

[Louise_Loves]

I was married for only a little over a month the first time he hit me. Accidentally, of course. He was just mad and "lost his head." Then another month went by and it happened again.

Why didn't I leave then? Believe me, I have questioned myself and scorned myself more deeply than is possible for anyone else. I don't have an answer. I know this: I loved him and I believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again. And I forgave him, because that's what my religion taught me to do. And I tried to be a better lover, a better wife, a more understanding person.

A month before our first anniversary, I got my first real beating. We'd tried to have sex, but his premature ejaculation problem meant that I was, again, frustrated and horny. So I tried to seduce him - said all the right things, did all the right things, in all the right little ways. Then there were lights flashing in my eyes as he punched me and I was thrown on the floor to wretch after he kicked me in the belly.

Why didn't I leave? God only knows. But when I woke up the next day, he was washing the blood off of my eyebrow and lips. He carried me to the bath and soaked me in hot bubbles until it didn't hurt so much anymore. Then he carried me back to bed and went down on me like the devil himself had taught him what to do. Then he climbed up into my arms and wept like a child. And my heart broke.

Once we found out I couldn't have children, it got really bad.

Fast forward three years and I was living a mile and a half from our nearest neighbor. After he shared me with a couple of his buddies, one of the told me to sneak out and hide in his car. Then I hid in his closet for two days. Then he took me out of state to stay with his sister. After almost a year, I had a job and filed for divorce. I've never gone back, and I never will.

Here's the thing: I wouldn't have left if I hadn't been told to leave. I don't know why. It physically sickens me to talk about this. And, no, I'm not submissive in the least. Quite the opposite in fact. I don't know why I stayed, but I do know that if I hadn't, I would be dead now and buried in an unmarked graven out in the desert somewhere.

Why didn't I run? I don't know. I don't know. God help me, I don't know.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Care to expand?

I'm not sure he is capable of it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Care to expand?

He means "I can't win this because everyone else has better arguments than I do-- but I KNOW I'm right. So I'll blame it on the little ladies, because then it doesn't matter."



We can all be glad he didn't say 'bitches.'

 

[Etoile]

Chicks.

I was actually trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, and thinking you might be a halfway intelligent person.

Clearly, I was wrong.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Fuuuck. I did not know that, Stag.

 

[dexwebster]

The emotional abuse I went through wasn't in a romantic relationship, it was a parental one, so I hadn't bothered chiming in earlier (it has a whole other set of abuser vs. victim issues that don't overlap with this one). But this. . .

I'm a little behind the crowd on this one (away for a long weekend), but thank you for this, Stella.

You look at immediate physical outcome. if there are bruises and blood, you can tell, just by looking, that there was danger and damage.

But we are not our bodies alone. People have been known to suicide after enough mental abuse. You would have to admit that they did not survive.

Also, you are spouting opinions right in the faces of people who have shared their suffering-- telling them that they didn't suffer enough.

I don't think of myself as survivor, and I don't think I ever will (because to me that abuse still feels present: I am not beyond it, I have not survived. I am someone who is recovering, still, years later and out of the house and married with my own life).

Yes, there will be people who dilute the power of a term by using it when they probably shouldn't. But I would prefer that to even one person feeling like they can't use it when they can. There is an immense power in being able to say, "I survived this horrible thing that happened to me." And I don't ever want to be part of taking that power away from someone who will benefit from it in their own recovery.

 

[Chiara_searches]

<snip>

Yes, there will be people who dilute the power of a term by using it when they probably shouldn't. But I would prefer that to even one person feeling like they can't use it when they can. There is an immense power in being able to say, "I survived this horrible thing that happened to me." And I don't ever want to be part of taking that power away from someone who will benefit from it in their own recovery.

DW, thanks for sharing your perspective. The bold part is so much better said than anything I was able to put out there, but it captures exactly my meaning. I don't have more to add, other than my thanks for making the point so well.

 

[Felix_Jones]

He means "I can't win this because everyone else has better arguments than I do-- but I KNOW I'm right. So I'll blame it on the little ladies, because then it doesn't matter."



We can all be glad he didn't say 'bitches.'

Is that what I was supposed to do? Win? It's a little instructive you view forum conversations in terms of wins and losses. So what's you record up to now? I haven't bothered to keep score.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I was actually trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, and thinking you might be a halfway intelligent person.

Clearly, I was wrong.

Shit, I better get some therapy for all this emotional abuse.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Is that what I was supposed to do? Win? It's a little instructive you view forum conversations in terms of wins and losses. So what's you record up to now? I haven't bothered to keep score.

Not only are you ignorant, you're lying-- either to the forum, or to yourself.

You've insulted a lot of people, belittled them, and minimized their experiences and they've told you they won't accept your opinions as legitimate-- so you insult them again.

 

[Honed_Hunger]

There's simply not a logical answer in regards to why anyone would purposely stay in an abusive relationship,thereby risking their well being by staying with a person in what's obviously a dead end relationship.

I have wrongly kept myself in the line of fire in times past, even with nothing to gain and far too much to lose,I stayed far too long. I've also seen it played out with dozens of friends who behaved improperly when faced with continued abuse in their lives.

PTSD changes the physical makeup on the brain,and therefore flaws one's cognitive processes. This leads to poor life decisions on all fronts, plus it alters the flight or fight determinations one makes when they're living in an abusive situation. Given the givens........sound decisions are almost impossible to make during such a time in life.

What's important is to remove one's self from the abusive situation,forgive the flawed who commited the misdeeds,and forgive yourself for not loading the hell up and getting outta there sooner!

The best revenge one can ever have upon their past abusers,is to enjoy a life well-lived,sans any effects after the fact of moving on and fully healing afterwards.

Just my .02

 

[Chiara_searches]

You're the one who made this about winning or loosing, no one else used that word.

you're supposed to appologize. Which I understand is much harder when someone has called you on it, but that is how you save face. Unless you'd prefer to continue your gradual slide into board villiany, where you inhabit the majority's ignore list, and those people that do respond to your posts are only poking you for their own amusement, and never take you seriously.

I've seen it happen before, but that treatment it generaly saved for the very worst troll settlers, usually an alt of someone from the general board, who are long after refered to as "they who shall not be named."
You've got a long way to go yet.

<snip>

The most important thing to realize is that it's not about winning or losing, and appologizing isn't loosing. A good apology can boost your esteem in some peoples eyes more than justification, or "winning."

This was very well put. Thank you.

It takes a mature person (regardless of his or her actual numeric age) to apologize for a wrong doing. It also takes someone with balls to admit they were wrong. Whether FJ decides to apologize or not will help us identify if he's mature and has, as they say in the Southwest, any cojones. The jury is out in my book...but only time will tell.

 

[Felix_Jones]

You're the one who made this about winning or loosing, no one else used that word.

you're supposed to appologize. Which I understand is much harder when someone has called you on it, but that is how you save face. Unless you'd prefer to continue your gradual slide into board villiany, where you inhabit the majority's ignore list, and those people that do respond to your posts are only poking you for their own amusement, and never take you seriously.

I've seen it happen before, but that treatment it generaly saved for the very worst troll settlers, usually an alt of someone from the general board, who are long after refered to as "they who shall not be named."
You've got a long way to go yet.

Let me show you a guideline for a good apology:



heres how not to appologize



The most important thing to realize is that it's not about winning or losing, and appologizing isn't loosing. A good apology can boost your esteem in some peoples eyes more than justification, or "winning."

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
He means "I can't win this because everyone else has better arguments than I do-- but I KNOW I'm right. So I'll blame it on the little ladies, because then it doesn't matter."

This person was the one who mentioned it first, if you're keeping score. That's what I referred to. I don't really think of these things in terms of victory and defeat, despite what others might infer from the things I have to say.

If you think I'm being so inflammatory, then why not just dismiss my ramblings as those of some troll and move on? Instead you parse and mangle, and pop in a bit of Wikipedia for good measure. I stand by my original point, that if these people have the opportunity to even experience this emotional abuse they've lived a charmed life. If all their other needs are so neatly met that emotional abuse even registers on the spectrum of hardships, then this not so hypothetical person enjoys a better existence than perhaps the majority of people who live on this planet. And it is with them that my sympathies lie.

 

[ImOnIt]

If you think I'm being so inflammatory, then why not just dismiss my ramblings as those of some troll and move on? Instead you parse and mangle, and pop in a bit of Wikipedia for good measure. I stand by my original point, that if these people have the opportunity to even experience this emotional abuse you've lived a charmed life. If all their other needs are so neatly met that emotional abuse even registers on the spectrum of hardships, then this not so hypothetical person enjoys a better existence then perhaps the majority of people who live on this planet. And it is with them that my sympathies lie.

Hi Felix, sounds like you have a different view of emotional abuse.

Imagine screaming at a baby every time you changed its nappies. Now don't teach it language. Now lock it in its room sporadically on a whim. Leave it there.

Imagine cooking dinner regularly for another adult. Sometimes they throw it on the table in front of you. Maybe this happens often. Imagine they interrupt you sleeping. Maybe they hate your music/choices/clothing/ideas. Maybe they constantly ASK for your ideas and then shit on it. Imagine this happens every morning and evening for a year or a decade.


Do you have perspective yet?

 

[unknooown]

I found this incredibly disturbing.

I mean it is absolutely not something I'm proud of. I worked really hard for several years to change, and I have. But that's the reality of it.

 

[minx1]

I mean it is absolutely not something I'm proud of. I worked really hard for several years to change, and I have. But that's the reality of it.

It's good that you got the help you needed and are trying to control your abusive behaviour.

I actually meant its the fact that you said there is a 'type' that I find disturbing.

 

[minx1]

I stand by my original point, that if these people have the opportunity to even experience this emotional abuse you've lived a charmed life. If all their other needs are so neatly met that emotional abuse even registers on the spectrum of hardships, then this not so hypothetical person enjoys a better existence then perhaps the majority of people who live on this planet. And it is with them that my sympathies lie.

Really, this just shows a complete ignorance and a lack of understanding about emotional abuse and the devastating effects it can have on an individual.
Why do you have to choose to symapthise with one group over another anyway? Just dont belittle the experiences that some people have had here just because you dont understand it and it doesnt fit into your own definition of what constitutes 'a worthy' abuse or a hard life.