Why doesn't he want me?

[bailadora]

And Bailadora, thank you for your many posts and your gentleness.

You're welcome, hon. Lord love you, you guys have some HUGE challenges coming up and I can certainly see how all of that would prey on his mental well being. I am glad that he finally opened up and you were able to discuss what's going on between you. FWIW, I think you handled the conversation well. I think it's important for him to realize he doesn't have to talk about the pending situation if he doesn't want to, but that doesn't give him leave to take it out on you. You were supportive of him, yet firm about what your expectations are and how you would like to be treated.

Looking forward to the time to when he will be away from you: don't be afraid to reach out for help for yourself if you need it, ok? You sound like a strong and determined woman, but we all need a little help from time to time. I did a little research and you may be interested in checking out the the following online support group for inmate families: http://prisonbid.com/forums/. Obviously those of us at Lit will be willing to lend an ear, but you might find a bit more insight from families who are experiencing or have experienced what you are about to face. I'm sure the people on that forum will have excellent advice on how to handle some of the issues you and he will face before, during and after he serves his time.

In closing, I'll just say that I admire you for sticking it out. While there are some situations where it is prudent for one's own well being to bow out, I agree that all too often a lot of people are too quick to cut and run because it's too much hassle to work through the issues. Best of luck to you hon. My thoughts and prayers are with you both and if you ever need to talk, my PM box is always open.

 

[SillyLilMonkey]

Wow, I know how you feel. My man masturbates 2-3 times a day, regularly looks at porn, and signs up for websites (both to watch porn and the kind where people are looking for fwb) And yet, he doesn't satisfy my needs. We can go weeks, even months without him so much as looking at me in a sexual way. When he finally does he will say something to the effect of i think you should get naked. I don't get it either, when he obviously has the sex drive... otherwise he wouldn't be masturbating as much as he does.

 

[d5b1fl]

Wow, I know how you feel. My man masturbates 2-3 times a day, regularly looks at porn, and signs up for websites (both to watch porn and the kind where people are looking for fwb) And yet, he doesn't satisfy my needs. We can go weeks, even months without him so much as looking at me in a sexual way. When he finally does he will say something to the effect of i think you should get naked. I don't get it either, when he obviously has the sex drive... otherwise he wouldn't be masturbating as much as he does.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this situation. I know that it isn't easy and it has a negative effect on your self esteem and self worth. E-man and I have had a few issues along the way and with some help from the wonderful folks here at lit, I have become better able to understand or handle the circumstances so I react in a way that I achieve the results I am looking for. It has taken patience and understanding on my part, but I don't believe my situations have been as negative as yours.

The fact that he's just watching porn and not screwing around is not a consolation. You have to ask yourself if the consequences are worth what you are enduring. If it's your choice to suffer through some unhappy situations and time spans, are you going to get the results you want and need? To me, if you're not in a mutually committed relationship, it probably won't be. Both people have to be committed and there has to be a level of trust that you both understand. You are not just a play thing or a receptacle. (my favorite line is.....I'm not a bank, if I want a deposit, I'll let you know!)
Although E-man screwed up, our level of trust is still there. I know the experience left him lonely and wanting, he knows he will not be satisfied by having sex with others and he trusts me to meet the physical as well as the emotional needs that he has. he also trusts me to accept him, flaws and all, continue to love him despite his mistakes and stand strong with him.

Other than the sexual aspects of your relationship, are you friends? Do you do things together? Does he recognize your worth as a person? Does he show you respect as a person and as a woman? Can he be affectionate through conversation?

These are all things to consider when you are thinking about your relationship. Sometimes, as women, we can be really selfish when are needs aren't being met and not see where the real conflict is coming from. It is in our nature, however, to be nurturing and understanding, often to a flaw. You sometimes need to take control of what is happening and stand up for yourself. Not demanding but firm and then give enough time for your man to take in what you have shared, to process it, filter it and decide a course of action if any. For men, I believe that can take a while. (joke....not)

I can emathize with you. I wish I could tell you something that would make it all better for you, but I can't. You are the only one who knows the entire story and you are the only one who can say wether your efforts will be worth what you are going through. Maybe if you share some more info on your man, and what you are doing as well, we all might be able to give you better insight so you can make a good decision about how to proceed.

 

[SillyLilMonkey]

I can emathize with you. I wish I could tell you something that would make it all better for you, but I can't. You are the only one who knows the entire story and you are the only one who can say wether your efforts will be worth what you are going through. Maybe if you share some more info on your man, and what you are doing as well, we all might be able to give you better insight so you can make a good decision about how to proceed.

Yes it really isn't any consolation, especially knowing that he has traded naked pictures of himself with a mutual friend, (long story) and frequents websites such as benaughty and the like, to find what i am not sure.

I have tried explaining to him that i have needs and desires that dont just include sexy, something as simple as being snuggled or holding hands or kissing passionately. I have told him that I am very attracted to him sexually, tried dressing sexy, setting up romantic evenings and flat out just asking him to have sex. It seems that he is the one who controls when and if we do anything. And it usually begins with "i think you should get naked" and he will proceed to undress.

We do things together. Trips, movies, bike rides, walks, dinners, sports, concerts...

At times he can do things, such as grabbing my chest, whenever he feels like it despite the fact that i have told him that i don't like when he does that. Recently we had lunch together during his lunch break and i happened to arrive at the same time a female friend was returning to work to whom he said "hey hot stuff" and then looked over to me and said "hey dork"

 

[BlueLagoonFl]

I am glad that you FINALLY got the man to open up to you. Yes he was worried about his future but keeping it bottled up inside was not helping anyone. Hopefully you have made him understand that although there is nothing you may be able to do about a situation he still needs to share his thoughts with you.
Being a partnership is a 50/50 street. He needs to share his thoughts and feelings with you just as you share with him. Keeping all that (his worries about going away/money/kids/you) inside only makes another situation worse (your relationship).
Communication and trust are so important in any relationship. I hope that you make him understand that now more than ever you need to communicate with each other.

I'm glad that things are improving for you two since you had a talk with him.

 

[d5b1fl]

Recently we had lunch together during his lunch break and i happened to arrive at the same time a female friend was returning to work to whom he said "hey hot stuff" and then looked over to me and said "hey dork"[/QUOTE]



Oh, Sweetie. It would only be my opinion, and as you know they are like assholes, but.....he REALLY is treating you badly and taking you for granted. It "sounds" like he is using you for his pleasure when you can meet his needs for companionship or sex or what ever, but not giving you the respect of the position you hold or reciprocating. You have a few options from my point of view, and I hope others will share their opinions as well so you get plenty of info. You can keep going the way you are right now and continue to feel emotionally abused and neglected; You can stop being such a "good girl" and stop waiting on him to meet your sexual needs (buy a vibrator, learn to use it, use it...without him). For example when he says he thinks you should get naked, even though you want to because you would get to feel his touch, don't! Make up some reason or do something else or what ever you have to do. This I have experience with but each situation is different since we are all different people. Don't be so available for him. If you're wearing sexy clothes when he gets home, wear 'em for a while then change into something comfortable and casual. Don't act like you even want to have sex with him, no big deal either way to you....Watch some porn without him around....don't worry about making sure he doesn't find out you watched it.....it may peak his interest more to know you're watching it alone.

Now, as for him calling a co-worker hottie and you dork. I'd have let him know real quick who the dork was. He's lucky to have you in the first place cuz not many good, intelligent, smart, and pretty women would put up with that kind of idiotic behavior. What does it say about him if he thinks his woman is a dork? What does that say about how he feels for you? If it were me, I'd have had his "dork" waitin for him when he got home. I would have messed up everything in the house out of extreme rage based on the pain he had caused.

If he is teachable, go for it, but if he's not willing to even make efforts in some way or another, you might want to think about getting out. He made an effort to disrespect you, which to me means he doesn't have respect for you. You can gain his respect maybe, I can't say because I don't know him. That was really blatant. Did you talk to him about it? and if so what did he say?

 

[d5b1fl]

BlueLagoonFl, Thank you. I was being quite selfish in wanting my needs met. I feel remorseful in that aspect. It also hurt some to find that he was holding things in that he doesn't have to. He knows he can trust me with his deepest fears and that's the part that hurt the most, that he didn't just tell me what was going on. In a way, I don't feel bad simply because he wasn't open with me so I really had no idea what was going on. I am really greatful that caring people exist to be able to share insight and wisdom, those from lit.
Today is his Mother's Birthday. Not easy, first one since she passed from a major heart attack in december. I know this will be a rough day for him, and I know that he will try and push it out of his mind, unsuccessfully, to avoid pain. We are to toast to her at 1900 this evening with her favorite beer, Blue Moon.
I will be his ever supportive best friend and just let everything ride. He does understand the importance of communication, but sometimes I feel like he thinks we are so connected that he doesn't need to say anthing. In that aspect, although unrealisitc, it's comforting to know that he feels that way.
Thank you for comments and support.

 

[subwannabe]

This thread just gets whackier and whackier. I don't mean this in a bad way (come to think of it, maybe I do) but, you are a fool. A lot of women just have this natural ability to try and find the best in everyone, even Hitler. And many of them have this uncanny need to blame themselves for something that is not their fault. This man is abusing you, if not physically, then certainly emotionally. You go out of your way to try explaining and rationalizing his bad behavior to convince yourself that at least part of it is your fault and the rest is just him going through some hard times where he just needs some understanding. Unfortunately, you are on the inside looking out and can't see the forrest through the trees. I actually knew a girl once who got beaten up for just about everything. I even heard her say one day that if she hadn't dropped that plate and broken it that he wouldn't have beaten her up, like it was her fault!

You also live lives that are not normal. The majority of people do not "toast" a dead relative on what would have been their birthday, and with her favorite beer nonetheless, and at a certain time? Also, what does 1900 mean? You have given no indications that any of you are connected with the military but you use miliatary time? I know I am probably being too critical here but you have got to wake up sometime and see what is going on here, or you can expect to be treated like this for the rest of your life.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for your feedback. I have given him hints, I even write him porn letters and leave them for him to read when ever he feels like it. Sort of fantasy stuff, and things that we have done, or stories from literotica. I have told him what I need and then not pushed him to be or do anything, just let him work it out on his own. He tells me I make all of his fantasies come true, but he's not doing the same for me. I am so frustrated and knocking one off myself is definately not the same as having a lover touch, kiss, suck, stroke, tongue, finger, whisper desires, etc. As it is right now, even though masturbating doesn't appeal to me at this moment because I need more, I would rather get out my vibrator. I have a negative attitude about this. He will implement certain things I let him know about, but not the parts that I really need that I have expressed to him. What should I do? My own thought is to just not put out, to be disinterested because I don't get what I need anyway. This situation really hurts me deeply since I do all the things to make myself appealing to him, I do what he wants even if it means acting like I don't want it. I feel so lost and needy and it seems like he doesn't see it or is so selfish he doesn't want to see it.

I think it's time to lay it out there in cold hard fact what he needs to do to pleasure you be it loving sex or a quick fuck. You need to stop pleasing him sexually till he sees the errors of his ways.

I've always found the best sex is when the female is pleased & seeing females can have multi orgasms unlike us males both will find greater satisfaction, also females need to guide us guys to where & how to satisfy you.

 

[rthnck]

I was being quite selfish in wanting my needs met. I feel remorseful in that aspect.

There is no way you should be remoreful in wanting/needing your needs met in your relationship IMHO. All aspects of a relationship are a two way street and if it's all going one way (even if one partner has issues outside of the bedroom) and you have expressed your needs to him and he's not willing to make it work, it's his problem. You should not be apologizing for this issue. Yes you have to be supportive and yes there are lulls in every relationship where partners are not in sync. But don't put this on yourself.

I hope that things will improve for you in the future. I'm a big proponent of working as hard as possible on the problems in a relationship and can't much get on board with the "kick him to the curb" crowd. Good luck.

 

[SillyLilMonkey]

Oh, Sweetie. It would only be my opinion, and as you know they are like assholes, but.....he REALLY is treating you badly and taking you for granted. It "sounds" like he is using you for his pleasure when you can meet his needs for companionship or sex or what ever, but not giving you the respect of the position you hold or reciprocating. You have a few options from my point of view, and I hope others will share their opinions as well so you get plenty of info. You can keep going the way you are right now and continue to feel emotionally abused and neglected; You can stop being such a "good girl" and stop waiting on him to meet your sexual needs (buy a vibrator, learn to use it, use it...without him). For example when he says he thinks you should get naked, even though you want to because you would get to feel his touch, don't! Make up some reason or do something else or what ever you have to do. This I have experience with but each situation is different since we are all different people. Don't be so available for him. If you're wearing sexy clothes when he gets home, wear 'em for a while then change into something comfortable and casual. Don't act like you even want to have sex with him, no big deal either way to you....Watch some porn without him around....don't worry about making sure he doesn't find out you watched it.....it may peak his interest more to know you're watching it alone.

Now, as for him calling a co-worker hottie and you dork. I'd have let him know real quick who the dork was. He's lucky to have you in the first place cuz not many good, intelligent, smart, and pretty women would put up with that kind of idiotic behavior. What does it say about him if he thinks his woman is a dork? What does that say about how he feels for you? If it were me, I'd have had his "dork" waitin for him when he got home. I would have messed up everything in the house out of extreme rage based on the pain he had caused.

If he is teachable, go for it, but if he's not willing to even make efforts in some way or another, you might want to think about getting out. He made an effort to disrespect you, which to me means he doesn't have respect for you. You can gain his respect maybe, I can't say because I don't know him. That was really blatant. Did you talk to him about it? and if so what did he say?

right after the dork thing, he asked me what's the your deal, you all butt hurt cuz i called her hot stuff? and i responded with, "yes, how do you think that makes me feel when you call some friend hot stuff and you look at me and say oh hey dork?" and he said, whatever be mad.

 

[d5b1fl]

This thread just gets whackier and whackier. I don't mean this in a bad way (come to think of it, maybe I do) but, you are a fool. A lot of women just have this natural ability to try and find the best in everyone, even Hitler. And many of them have this uncanny need to blame themselves for something that is not their fault. This man is abusing you, if not physically, then certainly emotionally. You go out of your way to try explaining and rationalizing his bad behavior to convince yourself that at least part of it is your fault and the rest is just him going through some hard times where he just needs some understanding. Unfortunately, you are on the inside looking out and can't see the forrest through the trees. I actually knew a girl once who got beaten up for just about everything. I even heard her say one day that if she hadn't dropped that plate and broken it that he wouldn't have beaten her up, like it was her fault!

You also live lives that are not normal. The majority of people do not "toast" a dead relative on what would have been their birthday, and with her favorite beer nonetheless, and at a certain time? Also, what does 1900 mean? You have given no indications that any of you are connected with the military but you use miliatary time? I know I am probably being too critical here but you have got to wake up sometime and see what is going on here, or you can expect to be treated like this for the rest of your life.

Please give defenition of "normal" so we'll know how we should live our lives. In my family, we have always had a party after a funeral so that type of behavior is normal. This was the first birthday of our dead relative since her death, it seems quite normal to me that we would toast her. You obviously know what "1700" means since you referenced it to military. Many people use the 24 hour clock, sorry if it confused you, the company I work for uses it and they are certainly not connected to the military.

"People will stay in the same situation until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change."

The circumstances of each individual are a direct result of the choices that individual has made.

 

[bailadora]

<snip>

At times he can do things, such as grabbing my chest, whenever he feels like it despite the fact that i have told him that i don't like when he does that. Recently we had lunch together during his lunch break and i happened to arrive at the same time a female friend was returning to work to whom he said "hey hot stuff" and then looked over to me and said "hey dork"

right after the dork thing, he asked me what's the your deal, you all butt hurt cuz i called her hot stuff? and i responded with, "yes, how do you think that makes me feel when you call some friend hot stuff and you look at me and say oh hey dork?" and he said, whatever be mad.

It sounds to me like there is a lot more at issue here than just sex problems. Based on what you've said so far, it sounds like a basic lack of respect: both for your feelings and for you as a person overall. And while I am generally one for working things out if possible; if one partner lacks common consideration and respect for the other partner, I don't think the situation is salvageable. It is one thing to have disagreements and fights throughout the course of a relationship, but quite another to be disrespectful, degrading and verbally abusive of each other. In the course of our nearly 20 years together, my husband and I have had our share of fights, but never once have called each other names. We might be angry enough with one another to wish the other partner would take a long walk off a short pier but we are always careful to maintain the respect for each other that is one of the basic principles of our relationship.

This is just my opinion of course, but I think you should respect yourself enough to consider leaving this man. It sounds like you have calmly tried to explain how his actions make you feel but he doesn't give a shit. And if he doesn't care about your feelings, then it's time to get the hell out. IMO, it's not much of a stretch from name calling to verbal and emotional abuse.

 

[d5b1fl]

Update

Well, just to let all who gave insight and feedback to my original posts and problem, things are improving.

My fella wasn't really meaning to be self centered and couldn't see what his attitude "looked" like or what it was doing...the more I tried to "help" the worse things got. Since we were able to have a few discussions, mind you not all of them were completely calm, a better understanding has come between us and he realized that some of my basic needs for affection were not being met. With a little help from everyone who posted responses, I figured out how I was going to handle things, and although maybe not the "best" way, I got the info out in the open and things are getting better, that does include the intimacy we are sharing as well. I would like to thank all of you again, even the folks that were rough about it all, sometimes we need to hear it like others really see it.