Wife lied through omission

[travelenman]

Dude!

Up until the point when she married you she doesn't owe you a damned thing.
Truth or Lie.

Well...NOW you are wondering what or to whom you married.

Welcome to the party JACK!

It will take you a lifetime to "Grok" that situation.

Also some people just like to start shit between couples...Got THAT tee shirt!

If she does have a hidden slutty side..think about it for awhile.

It is a question of mind over matter.

If you don't mind it doesn't really matter what other people say.

wise words mate

 

[Ciceri]

I am no expert on relationships, from my observations people make mistakes, if you love her then let it go. If you can handle the truth I suggest you then tell her what you have learned from your friend, but make sure she does not feel threatened or uncomfortable. Remember to forgive is the most powerful thing you can do for you both, as she may be living with this as well.

Thank you. I've since decided to let go of her past. I am okay with her being with other people sexually but I want to know about it. Still figuring out a way to bring up hte topic

 

[JulieAnn42]

After my first affair, on a business trip, I felt very guilty for years. The second one was easier, but still guilt. I finally came clean to my husband when he came clean to me about his secrets. Everything is fine now.

 

[Ciceri]

After my first affair, on a business trip, I felt very guilty for years. The second one was easier, but still guilt. I finally came clean to my husband when he came clean to me about his secrets. Everything is fine now.

It's good you found resolution. If my secrets were revealed I doubt she'd be forgiving. No one is perfect. I'm okay to move on. btw,my cousin lives in Vancouver. I've considered moving there or to Portland

 

[KatieDoes]

I recently ran into the ex-husband of my wife's old friend. That couple had an ugly divorce and were no longer on speaking terms. He asked if I was still married and I said Yes. He sort of shook his head and I asked what was wrong. He said he was surprised so I pressed him some more. "Kara fucked like three guys during her bachelorette party." I couldn't believe it. "Yeah, and she did the same thing at Jen's party a year before that." I told him he was mistaken. No way. Not a chance. I left the bar soon after but Rob's words stayed with me. He was not lying. He had nothing to gain by telling me this stuff. Now I'm suspicious of Kara. Is this a regular thing? Has she fucked anyone else since our wedding day? Do I swallow this info or confront her?

How would this man know this? Was he present at these parties?

You’ve had no reason to suspect anything about your wife in the 16+ years that you’ve known her? Until this bitter man told you some story that he heard about her?

Meh. I wouldn’t give it much credence.

 

[Ciceri]

How would this man know this? Was he present at these parties?

You’ve had no reason to suspect anything about your wife in the 16+ years that you’ve known her? Until this bitter man told you some story that he heard about her?

Meh. I wouldn’t give it much credence.

You're right he's definitely bitter. She's always been sexual and hasn't held back anything re her sexual past - incl sex with other women. The surprising part of all this was keeping secrets - when usually she just says it. Not like her to hold back anything

 

[KatieDoes]

You're right he's definitely bitter. She's always been sexual and hasn't held back anything re her sexual past - incl sex with other women. The surprising part of all this was keeping secrets - when usually she just says it. Not like her to hold back anything

If it’s completely out of character for her, and he is an unreliable source with second hand information, I don’t think I would waste any time worrying about it. I don’t think it’s true.

 

[policywank]

You're right he's definitely bitter. She's always been sexual and hasn't held back anything re her sexual past - incl sex with other women. The surprising part of all this was keeping secrets - when usually she just says it. Not like her to hold back anything

I am often surprised by the things that an embittered person will say and the things that they themselves will choose to believe (including lies). The hurt that someone else causes can also engender paranoia and negative expectations and create scenarios where speculation is construed as fact.

Here you have an original source (your friend's ex-wife) who may have been embittered or looking to make excuses and your friend who seems to be embittered. They may not have any sentiment towards you or your wife that would lead them to lie, but they have a lot going on themselves and their inclination to create a false or distorted narrative may be quite strong.

It sucks to say it but his own bitterness at his situation may very well create jealousy that your relationship has worked out better. And there is an unfortunate human nature that would rather see you suffering with him.

I am curious when did he come into possession of this supposed information about your wife? If it was sometime before, the obvious question would be if he is so concerned why didn't he tell you earlier? Conversely if it was in the heat of his own break up there seems quite likely to be a lot going on that has nothing to do with you but may have gotten deflected on to you and your wife by one of two bitter divorcing people.

The doubt he has sown in your mind is unfortunate. But this source is not reliable.

 

[Justfantasies]

After my first affair, on a business trip, I felt very guilty for years. The second one was easier, but still guilt. I finally came clean to my husband when he came clean to me about his secrets. Everything is fine now.

That would have turned me on . . . a lot

 

[Luganis]

I recently ran into the ex-husband of my wife's old friend. That couple had an ugly divorce and were no longer on speaking terms. He asked if I was still married and I said Yes. He sort of shook his head and I asked what was wrong. He said he was surprised so I pressed him some more. "Kara fucked like three guys during her bachelorette party." I couldn't believe it. "Yeah, and she did the same thing at Jen's party a year before that." I told him he was mistaken. No way. Not a chance. I left the bar soon after but Rob's words stayed with me. He was not lying. He had nothing to gain by telling me this stuff. Now I'm suspicious of Kara. Is this a regular thing? Has she fucked anyone else since our wedding day? Do I swallow this info or confront her?

The only way you can consider it a lie is if you asked and she didn’t say the truth.
An omission is not a lie. it may be considered morally wrong, but’s not a lie.

 

[StudlyCowboy]

I recently ran into the ex-husband of my wife's old friend. That couple had an ugly divorce and were no longer on speaking terms. He asked if I was still married and I said Yes. He sort of shook his head and I asked what was wrong. He said he was surprised so I pressed him some more. "Kara fucked like three guys during her bachelorette party." I couldn't believe it. "Yeah, and she did the same thing at Jen's party a year before that." I told him he was mistaken. No way. Not a chance. I left the bar soon after but Rob's words stayed with me. He was not lying. He had nothing to gain by telling me this stuff. Now I'm suspicious of Kara. Is this a regular thing? Has she fucked anyone else since our wedding day? Do I swallow this info or confront her?

You've been given some sound advice by others here. I'm an old dude and I've lived through many sexual fuck-ups in my days. I've had two wives and many sexual relationships with women I was not married to. The thrust (!) I'd like to share with you is about things that happen in life that no one can control.

I learned early on in life that women only give themselves to those they want to have them. It is totally out of your control. Further, did you believe her to be a virgin when you married her? Are you going to beat yourself up over her first love from high school too? If she was not a virgin on your wedding night, there's a pretty good chance someone had fucked her before you ever met her.

Lastly, it sounds very much like your buddy was one of the guys that fucked her to me. He's dumped something on you that sounds more suspicious each time I read it. Woman have an unspoken code about what they will say and do to another woman at least some of the time. Take a page from their book and let it go. Many things in life are best left unspoken and this is one of those things in my opinion, at least from a relational standpoint. Now, if you want to use it as a sexual enjoyment tool, that's another story altogether.

Let it go. Live your life, love your wife. Or run her ass off if you feel that strongly about it. Indecision is a terrible thing.

 

[SlutAddicted]

Over the years I have encountered a few different situations in which guys told me something negative about the woman I was dating. It was usually a warning or mention of a rumour or suggestion (with no real evidence) of something that she had done which was untoward.

In each case there was no obvious motivation for them to do so. And in each case there was some sense of "why are you telling me this?" Not just because I was not particularly close to them, but also because it was out of the blue. If my wife/gf did such and such 2 years ago and you are telling me for my own good why didn't you tell me back then?

Appearances aside it always emerged eventually that they did have an ulterior motive. They wanted to get with her or they were pissed that I had started dating someone they liked or they wanted to get back at me (or her) for some perceived slight. Or as the Lister above me mentioned they were just douchebags that wanted to feel better about their situation by tearing me down.

The way this came about does not at all seem like this guy was just telling the OP some unhappy news for his own good. It came out of the blue for no particular reason and in the midst of his own emotional trauma. Just because his motive isn't readily apparent doesn't mean you should trust what he tells you.

 

[Wishingbox]

I think there is a lot at play but based on other people’s comments whether it was right or wrong before marriage etc is very much predicated on the two of you and your consent whether explicate or implicit.

We all have things we’re ok and not ok with our partners doing. But we don’t always talk through all of these explicitly up front. Then later we find out when someone violates something we just assumed was a shared and agreed upon value it can become a really messy problem.

We also can convince ourselves that things are ok because our person never explicitly said THIS wasn’t ok and even though we’re 99% sure they wouldn’t be ok with it we justify it.

So later in marriage after years it can become difficult and we may not feel safe asking the questions or sharing something we’re doing because we fear the ramifications and we may have wandered too far down a path even if we didn’t intentionally try to.

I don’t think you should straight up ask her or accuse her unless you have a bit more evidence. However if it’s the trust issue that is the biggest issue and not necessarily the extra marital activity you might be able to open the door for trust by revisiting implicate agreements.

Something like…

“I was thinking a lot about our marriage and sex and how I want us to trust each other and support each other as much as possible. I’m not looking for anything outside our marriage but it occurred to me that over years of marriage couples often get bored sexually and crave something new or someone else. If you ever find yourself at a place like that I’d rather you confide and trust me and we can try and explore those options together. I’m not totally sure I’d be totally comfortable with the idea, action or person but I’d rather navigate that together than ask either of us to operate in the shadows, lie and feel like we hurt each other.”

Or some variation that opens the door for her to be honest and dialogue. It also might help if you know couples who didn’t make it through an affair or something to say we don’t have to go that route.

I guess my suggestion would be to strive to create a safe space for her to come to you because she trusts you want what’s best for her and are willing to listen and try to understand.

 

[HoldYouDown]

I recently ran into the ex-husband of my wife's old friend. That couple had an ugly divorce and were no longer on speaking terms. He asked if I was still married and I said Yes. He sort of shook his head and I asked what was wrong. He said he was surprised so I pressed him some more. "Kara fucked like three guys during her bachelorette party." I couldn't believe it. "Yeah, and she did the same thing at Jen's party a year before that." I told him he was mistaken. No way. Not a chance. I left the bar soon after but Rob's words stayed with me. He was not lying. He had nothing to gain by telling me this stuff. Now I'm suspicious of Kara. Is this a regular thing? Has she fucked anyone else since our wedding day? Do I swallow this info or confront her?

Wonder why did this guy feel the need to tell you this?

 

[Ciceri]

He said he'd wanted to tell me but we lost contact

 

[magicalmoments]

After my first affair, on a business trip, I felt very guilty for years. The second one was easier, but still guilt. I finally came clean to my husband when he came clean to me about his secrets. Everything is fine now.

Don't know if JulieAnn42 will come back to this, but I have a question. Were your affairs just opportunistic, spontaneous, one night stands while you were out of town or did they turn into long terms affairs?

 

[Luganis]

Wonder why did this guy feel the need to tell you this?

Because this guy wanted to hurt your wife because she’s a friend of his ex-wife. What’s a better way to seek revenge than destroying her marriage? And it seems he kind of succeeded… this guy is toxic shit. Erase him from your contacts list and phone. If he ever contacts you or shows up, close the door in his face.
Your marriage was good before this asshole opened his mouth (which may even not true). If you need, talk to your wife (not confront her) about what you were told and if needed go to couples therapy.

 

[CEOescape]

After my first affair, on a business trip, I felt very guilty for years. The second one was easier, but still guilt. I finally came clean to my husband when he came clean to me about his secrets. Everything is fine now.

I hope your secrets match and you guys enjoy exploring

 

[HoldYouDown]

He said he'd wanted to tell me but we lost contact

My point is it wasn't really his place to tell you any of this. Not his business or problem.

 

[BrownScorpio]

To look on the bright side, your wife has slutty side that if well explore and promote can lead you to a wonderful sex life. Insecurity will never help in that journey, btw.

 

[Stacysmith287]

I was promiscuous before I met my husband..we met when we were 19..I'd had a lot of men before him..but that stopped the day we met..totally different scenario but he loves hearing about my past sexual exploits ..I tell him everything ..honestly the best policy xx

 

[lc69hunter]

I recently ran into the ex-husband of my wife's old friend. That couple had an ugly divorce and were no longer on speaking terms. He asked if I was still married and I said Yes. He sort of shook his head and I asked what was wrong. He said he was surprised so I pressed him some more. "Kara fucked like three guys during her bachelorette party." I couldn't believe it. "Yeah, and she did the same thing at Jen's party a year before that." I told him he was mistaken. No way. Not a chance. I left the bar soon after but Rob's words stayed with me. He was not lying. He had nothing to gain by telling me this stuff. Now I'm suspicious of Kara. Is this a regular thing? Has she fucked anyone else since our wedding day? Do I swallow this info or confront her?

First of all, bachelor and bachelorette parties, should be like Vegas used to be, what happens there stays there. Don't ask, don't tell. It should be an automatic hall pass. The wife's old friend was in the wrong here. She should have never run her mouth to her husband about what another woman did there.

 

[regina75]

there were a lot of things my first wife did that she didnt tellabout, like getting pregnant and not knowing whose it was

 

[STRC]

I recently ran into the ex-husband of my wife's old friend. That couple had an ugly divorce and were no longer on speaking terms. He asked if I was still married and I said Yes. He sort of shook his head and I asked what was wrong. He said he was surprised so I pressed him some more. "Kara fucked like three guys during her bachelorette party." I couldn't believe it. "Yeah, and she did the same thing at Jen's party a year before that." I told him he was mistaken. No way. Not a chance. I left the bar soon after but Rob's words stayed with me. He was not lying. He had nothing to gain by telling me this stuff. Now I'm suspicious of Kara. Is this a regular thing? Has she fucked anyone else since our wedding day? Do I swallow this info or confront her?

Just for my two cents, maybe I missed something here but did you ever think the guy who told you this came on to your wife, she turned him down and he is mad. So he tells you this to get back at her........

 

[Scotchlander]

I think this is sour grapes and the guy is very dangerous. He is not only messing with your marriage but also your brain.

You cannot really win no matter what you do. You ask her and she will probably be annoyed that you have. If you do not ask it will play in your brain for ever.