Women, Do you consider a handjob cheating or just being friendly ?

[Nellie60]

I’m pretty sure my hubby would consider me giving a handjob as being a bit more than friendly

100% any intimacy with another person is cheating if you are or they are in some form of relationship

 

[hulmule]

The mood im in , its just being friendly "Honey i know you see a woman stroking my cock , but she is just being friendly"

 

[lil_jenni]

I fall on the side of it being cheating if it's not within a parameter of the relationship. In fact, I would say any physical contact for sexual gratification that is done without the knowledge or consent of someone to whom you have pledged exclusivity is cheating. And most virtual too.

However, if the partners agree some behavior is not cheating, then it is not cheating. For example, I had a girlfriend for a while. Hubby knew about her. Hell, we had two threesomes with her. None of that was cheating.

And if Hubby wanted to lower his standards and settle for a handjob from another woman when he has a super fellatrix at home, I'm okay with that as long as he tells me afterwards. But he won't want that. I'm that good....

Seriously, I know him. I had to convince him a threesome with my GF was okay.

 

[AmandaKellyUK]

Yea I'm not getting away with saying i was just being friendly!

 

[Strawberris]

Does it matter if he cums on your hand?

In the traditional sense yes it would be cheating. There are so many different lifestyles and sexual lifestyles now that I am sure it does not count for a lot of people.

 

[gtnlynn]

My wife and I had this discussion after I found out she had sex with several guys in college while we were committed to each other. That was cheating, obviously, so I asked about hand jobs. She said something like, "I did those a lot. It wasn't cheating. It kept them from fucking me." That was her view.

 

[Stromer]

Yea I'm not getting away with saying i was just being friendly!

I fall on the side of it being cheating if it's not within a parameter of the relationship. In fact, I would say any physical contact for sexual gratification that is done without the knowledge or consent of someone to whom you have pledged exclusivity is cheating. And most virtual too.

However, if the partners agree some behavior is not cheating, then it is not cheating. For example, I had a girlfriend for a while. Hubby knew about her. Hell, we had two threesomes with her. None of that was cheating.

And if Hubby wanted to lower his standards and settle for a handjob from another woman when he has a super fellatrix at home, I'm okay with that as long as he tells me afterwards. But he won't want that. I'm that good....

Seriously, I know him. I had to convince him a threesome with my GF was okay.

I totally agree. We had some fun in the lifestyle and what happened at clubs or parties was totally acceptable. When she meet up with an old friend and they got each other off orally and hide it from me. I was pissed.
She tried to play if off like Bill Clinton did with Monica. Oral isn't sex.
Bullshit, any contact for sexual gratification with out your partners knowledge is still cheating.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I fall on the side of it being cheating if it's not within a parameter of the relationship. In fact, I would say any physical contact for sexual gratification that is done without the knowledge or consent of someone to whom you have pledged exclusivity is cheating. And most virtual too.

However, if the partners agree some behavior is not cheating, then it is not cheating. For example, I had a girlfriend for a while. Hubby knew about her. Hell, we had two threesomes with her. None of that was cheating.

And if Hubby wanted to lower his standards and settle for a handjob from another woman when he has a super fellatrix at home, I'm okay with that as long as he tells me afterwards. But he won't want that. I'm that good....

Seriously, I know him. I had to convince him a threesome with my GF was okay.

I fall on the side of it being cheating. I can't imagine doing anything that involves sexual organs and ejaculation and somehow pretending it isn't sex based upon some twisted technicality.

That said I think that the reference point for any of these things is based upon the understanding between partners. The challenge is when certain things are not directly addressed. I read something online where women were taking a very firm stand that for the husband to go on OnlyFans would be considered cheating. Really? What was he doing there? If he was just looking I'd say that is not reasonable. But what I think doesn't matter either. What really matters is what the two partners think based upon an open and honest discussion about what they genuinely feel is or should reasonably be interpreted as their arrangement.

 

[TwoHeadsBald]

Cheating. I think if you're married or in a relationship that is not open in anyway, than any sexual contact is cheating.

I myself am non monogamous. But I do not have anything to do with married women, if her husband doesn't approve of other relationships.

 

[policywank]

In my view, if you are in a monogamous marriage giving or getting a handjob is clearly cheating. But as SlutAddicted points out the real test is based on what the deal is between you and your partner.

There is no relevant objective 3rd party gauge of what the deal ought to be. It doesn't matter what all the people on the internet or at you church or at your private club think.

 

[Bryan_C]

Cheating is what you and your partner agree it is. For some couples it would clearly be cheating, for others clearly not - it just depends on what you agree on. If you feel the need to keep it secret because your partner wouldn't like it then odds are good they would think it's cheating, and therefore it would be.

 

[Erodicus]

Cheating. I think if you're married or in a relationship that is not open in anyway, than any sexual contact is cheating.

I agree - it is crossing the line - although I think there are other transgressions which go much further across that line.

 

[live4thebj]

Any kind of sex is cheating.

 

[Beachsyrf]

Texting my GF:

Me: “So, .... you giving a guy a hand job isn’t cheating?”

Her: “No.”

Me: “And what about sucking someone’s cock, is that cheating?”

Her: “Nope ... “

Me: “How come?” ‍

Her: “No penetration. No penetration, no cheating.”

Me thinking about her “not cheating” ....

 

[SexyVita]

I know this thread was started as a bit of a joke following a similar one about blow jobs, but the responses have gotten me thinking about why I run into so many guys who are ready to try anything outside of their marriage.

Ah... the myth of monogamy. OK, before anyone gets all hot and bothered, I'm not about to say that you can't have a monogamous relationship and stay faithful. The myth of monogamy is that one person can meet all of someone else's needs, physically, emotionally, spiritually, finacially, etc. Even if we restrict this just to sexual needs, I think many people need at least two people to satisfy those needs. In a faithful monogamous relationship those two people could be your spouse and yourself. Honestly, if my hubby had to satisfy me every time I got horny, he'd probably be dead by now. But that's OK, I'm perfectly capable of satisfying myself when he's not willing or available.

The big problem as I see it is that too many women especially, (probably not many of you here, though,) see their partner's masturbation as a rejection of themselves, the whole "What, I'm not enough for you?" thing. When I masturbate, it's not because I don't love my husband or find him desirable. Sometimes I just want a fun time in the bath, or to indulge a fantasy that I'm perfectly content to let stay a fantasy, or he's not available or feeling amorous. I think if we stop shaming people (men and women) from pleasuring themselves, it would go a long way to cutting down on cheating.

The big problem though is that a lot of people are afraid to talk about their sexual needs with their partner, especially before they are married. If masturbation, or porn, or writing SRPs, or extra-martial sex, or threesomes, or a foot fetish, or whatever is important to your sexual health, you need to have that conversation with your partner before you lock yourself into an exclusively monogamous relationship. Not doing so is just a recipe for disaster, heartache, and divorce, in my opinion.

OK, rant over.

 

[policywank]

Ah... the myth of monogamy. OK, before anyone gets all hot and bothered, I'm not about to say that you can't have a monogamous relationship and stay faithful. The myth of monogamy is that one person can meet all of someone else's needs, physically, emotionally, spiritually, finacially, etc. Even if we restrict this just to sexual needs, I think many people need at least two people to satisfy those needs. In a faithful monogamous relationship those two people could be your spouse and yourself. Honestly, if my hubby had to satisfy me every time I got horny, he'd probably be dead by now. But that's OK, I'm perfectly capable of satisfying myself when he's not willing or available.

The big problem as I see it is that too many women especially, (probably not many of you here, though,) see their partner's masturbation as a rejection of themselves, the whole "What, I'm not enough for you?" thing. When I masturbate, it's not because I don't love my husband or find him desirable. Sometimes I just want a fun time in the bath, or to indulge a fantasy that I'm perfectly content to let stay a fantasy, or he's not available or feeling amorous. I think if we stop shaming people (men and women) from pleasuring themselves, it would go a long way to cutting down on cheating.

The big problem though is that a lot of people are afraid to talk about their sexual needs with their partner, especially before they are married. If masturbation, or porn, or writing SRPs, or extra-martial sex, or threesomes, or a foot fetish, or whatever is important to your sexual health, you need to have that conversation with your partner before you lock yourself into an exclusively monogamous relationship. Not doing so is just a recipe for disaster, heartache, and divorce, in my opinion.

OK, rant over.

Yes I think that the premise that one person can be the best of all things to another person is flawed. And it is a significant part of the reason why we misinterpret any deviation from monogamy. Whether it is actually engaging in experiences which are notionally not permitted according to your marriage agreement or just thinking about it or having a natural (and involuntary) desire we tend to interpret that as meaning our spouse is seeking someone better or that we are inadequate. That is nonsense. It could be the case but it is not necessarily the case.

If I had to be restricted to one man for the rest of my life it would be my husband for sure. But the truth is that I also value variety and value him all that much more for understanding that reality.

 

[fma20fma]

friendly, especially stranger in suburban train, returning home late evening.

 

[Bettytheboo]

If you can't tell your partner about it then it's cheating; but I am not the judgmental type given my past.

 

[Ely1987]

Do you really offer a handjob to your friends? If that's the normal state of affairs with you, then it's not cheating.

 

[SexyVita]

Texting my GF:

Me: “So, .... you giving a guy a hand job isn’t cheating?”

Her: “No.”

Me: “And what about sucking someone’s cock, is that cheating?”

Her: “Nope ... “

Me: “How come?” ‍

Her: “No penetration. No penetration, no cheating.”

Me thinking about her “not cheating” ....

Personally, I think this psuedo logic is bullshit (pardon my French). The problem is, cheating is in the eye of cuck (male or female), not the cheater. If your partner will feel hurt and betrayed by your sexual behavior with someone else, then it's cheating. Under those circumstances it doesn't matter if that behavior is a handjob, a blowjob, sexting, an SRP, sending or posting naughty pictures, or full-blown gangbang. Trying to explain it away only means you know you're cheating, but don't want to have to admit it, even to yourself.

My hubby and I are poly now, but we were monogamous for over 15 years. Long before we went poly I asked him if it was OK that I SRPed online, and he was fine with it as long as it never turned into anything real. I've held to that, even after we went poly, and it's never been a problem for us, but the key is not that I had some logical argument as to why it wasn't cheating, it's because we discussed it, and he trusted me.

 

[policywank]

Personally, I think this psuedo logic is bullshit (pardon my French). The problem is, cheating is in the eye of cuck (male or female), not the cheater. If your partner will feel hurt and betrayed by your sexual behavior with someone else, then it's cheating. Under those circumstances it doesn't matter if that behavior is a handjob, a blowjob, sexting, an SRP, sending or posting naughty pictures, or full-blown gangbang. Trying to explain it away only means you know you're cheating, but don't want to have to admit it, even to yourself.

My hubby and I are poly now, but we were monogamous for over 15 years. Long before we went poly I asked him if it was OK that I SRPed online, and he was fine with it as long as it never turned into anything real. I've held to that, even after we went poly, and it's never been a problem for us, but the key is not that I had some logical argument as to why it wasn't cheating, it's because we discussed it, and he trusted me.

I would probably modify the perspective a little bit to take into account the reasonable knowledge or expectations that the supposed cheater has of how their partner would regard the situation and the reasonability of the partner's expectations.

For instance, I saw a discussion online the other day wherein a woman was asking whether people thought that the fact that her boyfriend had subscribed to some OnlyFans accounts amounted to cheating. Several women were quite vociferous in stating that yes it is cheating. Broadly speaking I don't agree. Pornography in its various forms is pretty mainstream these days. In my view the default assumption for most people (especially men) is that yes they do look at pornography and don't consider it cheating. I know that there are people who would disagree with me, which illustrates the point that this is not an absolute truth. In the absence of any specific dialogue on the matter or clear indicators (i.e. is she devoutly religious) it is perfectly reasonable that one might sincerely think it is a non-issue. In that case can his girlfriend deem it to be cheating simply by stating that opinion? I don't think so. Is he obliged to refrain from ever looking at porn again once he realizes that she sees it as an issue? I don't think so. He is obliged to be clear with her about his intentions and she can then decide whether she wants to keep him as her bf, but if she dumps him she can't honestly say it was because he was cheating.

And at what point is there just an overall reasonability test. I read a story the other day about a notable celebrity who had all kinds of rules for his girlfriend, including all kinds of parameters around how to talk to other men even in regular platonic social settings. Now if she happened to interact with a man in a way that this guy didn't like and he deemed it cheating, I don't think that his opinion alone makes it so especially if his expectations had not previously been made clear. And if he insisted that she comply now that she knows what he wants she should tell him he is cordially invited to go fuck himself. Looking another man in the eyes while having a pleasant conversation with him is not cheating no matter what your boyfriend says, unless you actually agree to be bound by a constraint that precludes you from doing so.

 

[SexyVita]

I would probably modify the perspective a little bit to take into account the reasonable knowledge or expectations that the supposed cheater has of how their partner would regard the situation and the reasonability of the partner's expectations.

For instance, I saw a discussion online the other day wherein a woman was asking whether people thought that the fact that her boyfriend had subscribed to some OnlyFans accounts amounted to cheating. Several women were quite vociferous in stating that yes it is cheating. Broadly speaking I don't agree. Pornography in its various forms is pretty mainstream these days. In my view the default assumption for most people (especially men) is that yes they do look at pornography and don't consider it cheating. I know that there are people who would disagree with me, which illustrates the point that this is not an absolute truth. In the absence of any specific dialogue on the matter or clear indicators (i.e. is she devoutly religious) it is perfectly reasonable that one might sincerely think it is a non-issue. In that case can his girlfriend deem it to be cheating simply by stating that opinion? I don't think so. Is he obliged to refrain from ever looking at porn again once he realizes that she sees it as an issue? I don't think so. He is obliged to be clear with her about his intentions and she can then decide whether she wants to keep him as her bf, but if she dumps him she can't honestly say it was because he was cheating.

And at what point is there just an overall reasonability test. I read a story the other day about a notable celebrity who had all kinds of rules for his girlfriend, including all kinds of parameters around how to talk to other men even in regular platonic social settings. Now if she happened to interact with a man in a way that this guy didn't like and he deemed it cheating, I don't think that his opinion alone makes it so especially if his expectations had not previously been made clear. And if he insisted that she comply now that she knows what he wants she should tell him he is cordially invited to go fuck himself. Looking another man in the eyes while having a pleasant conversation with him is not cheating no matter what your boyfriend says, unless you actually agree to be bound by a constraint that precludes you from doing so.

OK, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be reasonable boundaries and all that, but the fact is that there is no one reasonability test that works universally. I know women and men who absolutely think porn of any kind, free or subscription, is cheating and feel hurt when they discover their partners using it. It's not an opinion I happen to agree with, but that does not make it less real for those who feel that way. As a society, we still often blame the victim. Just because the one engaging in the behavior doesn't see anything wrong with it, doesn't mean harm is not being done. Go through any abuse therapy and they will tell you that harm is in the perception of the abused, not the perception of the abuser. Emotions and perception are subjective, and are rarely subject to logical arguements.

To me it just underscores how important it is to communicate about what is important to you sexually, both before and after, entering into a committed relationship. If you can't live with your partner's definition of fidelity, then you really have no business being in a relationship with them. You can say you love them all you want, but if you don't love them enough to stay faithful, whatever that means to your partner, then you're just putting your sexual desires above your partner's happiness. It's selfish in the extreme. You, and your partner, would be better off ending the relationship than live with that kind of ongoing hurt. It would actually be the more loving thing to do in that case, because you're sparing them the pain of you cheating on them at some point.

 

[policywank]

OK, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be reasonable boundaries and all that, but the fact is that there is no one reasonability test that works universally. I know women and men who absolutely think porn of any kind, free or subscription, is cheating and feel hurt when they discover their partners using it. It's not an opinion I happen to agree with, but that does not make it less real for those who feel that way. As a society, we still often blame the victim. Just because the one engaging in the behavior doesn't see anything wrong with it, doesn't mean harm is not being done. Go through any abuse therapy and they will tell you that harm is in the perception of the abused, not the perception of the abuser. Emotions and perception are subjective, and are rarely subject to logical arguements.

To me it just underscores how important it is to communicate about what is important to you sexually, both before and after, entering into a committed relationship. If you can't live with your partner's definition of fidelity, then you really have no business being in a relationship with them. You can say you love them all you want, but if you don't love them enough to stay faithful, whatever that means to your partner, then you're just putting your sexual desires above your partner's happiness. It's selfish in the extreme. You, and your partner, would be better off ending the relationship than live with that kind of ongoing hurt. It would actually be the more loving thing to do in that case, because you're sparing them the pain of you cheating on them at some point.

I think the we are in agreement. The focus really needs to be on the dynamic between the partners with particular emphasis on the partner who would feel cheated on in any given scenario. If you know that a given action would be perceived by your partner as a betrayal then you just don't do it, even if you don't share that point of view. Or at a minimum you tell them of your intent (before you do it) so that they can make their own decision about whether they want to stay in the relationship.

My comment was just intended to add a layer because I think that we often lose sight of the fact that there is no one universal reasonability test or objective answer. As a result, we set about seeking input from others to bolster our point of view. I think we need to almost completely disregard the views of others or at least subordinate them to the actual understanding we have with our partner. It doesn't matter how many of your friends opine that a handjob is not cheating, if you know damn well that your husband/bf would view it as cheating then it is cheating. Likewise it doesn't matter how many people online tell your wife/gf that looking at porn is cheating that doesn't make you a cheater if you had no clue that she felt that way and genuinely thought she didn't.

 

[SexyVita]

I think the we are in agreement. The focus really needs to be on the dynamic between the partners with particular emphasis on the partner who would feel cheated on in any given scenario. If you know that a given action would be perceived by your partner as a betrayal then you just don't do it, even if you don't share that point of view. Or at a minimum you tell them of your intent (before you do it) so that they can make their own decision about whether they want to stay in the relationship.

My comment was just intended to add a layer because I think that we often lose sight of the fact that there is no one universal reasonability test or objective answer. As a result, we set about seeking input from others to bolster our point of view. I think we need to almost completely disregard the views of others or at least subordinate them to the actual understanding we have with our partner. It doesn't matter how many of your friends opine that a handjob is not cheating, if you know damn well that your husband/bf would view it as cheating then it is cheating. Likewise it doesn't matter how many people online tell your wife/gf that looking at porn is cheating that doesn't make you a cheater if you had no clue that she felt that way and genuinely thought she didn't.

Yes, I can agree with all of that, except maybe the last sentence. I agree that if you believed that your partner would not find porn (or handjobs, or whatever) as cheating, that your intention in doing those things should not be considered cheating. However, that does not mean that your partner may not feel cheated on regardless and it doesn't mean those feelings are invalid.

In a situation like that, there is fault is on both sides, in my opinion, the person engaged in the behavior should have clarified how their partner felt about it, and the other partner should ideally have expressed their feeling about it before it had an opertunity to become a issue in the first place. Even so, I would place a bit more fault on the active partner's side only because it can be difficult sometimes to see our own ideological prejudices. What I mean is, that someone might not realize they consider a particular action cheating until or unless they're asked about it.

Personally, I find that if you plan to engage in any form of sexual behavior outside of what you do with your partner, the wisest, and most loving thing you can do, is to discuss it with them, and that includes porn, masturbation, and handjobs.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Ah... the myth of monogamy. OK, before anyone gets all hot and bothered, I'm not about to say that you can't have a monogamous relationship and stay faithful. The myth of monogamy is that one person can meet all of someone else's needs, physically, emotionally, spiritually, finacially, etc. Even if we restrict this just to sexual needs, I think many people need at least two people to satisfy those needs. In a faithful monogamous relationship those two people could be your spouse and yourself. Honestly, if my hubby had to satisfy me every time I got horny, he'd probably be dead by now. But that's OK, I'm perfectly capable of satisfying myself when he's not willing or available.

The big problem as I see it is that too many women especially, (probably not many of you here, though,) see their partner's masturbation as a rejection of themselves, the whole "What, I'm not enough for you?" thing. When I masturbate, it's not because I don't love my husband or find him desirable. Sometimes I just want a fun time in the bath, or to indulge a fantasy that I'm perfectly content to let stay a fantasy, or he's not available or feeling amorous. I think if we stop shaming people (men and women) from pleasuring themselves, it would go a long way to cutting down on cheating.

The big problem though is that a lot of people are afraid to talk about their sexual needs with their partner, especially before they are married. If masturbation, or porn, or writing SRPs, or extra-martial sex, or threesomes, or a foot fetish, or whatever is important to your sexual health, you need to have that conversation with your partner before you lock yourself into an exclusively monogamous relationship. Not doing so is just a recipe for disaster, heartache, and divorce, in my opinion.

OK, rant over.

This is fantastic and is largely how I feel, especially about masturbation, which is what helps keep me sane. Now I’m just really open with my wife about it, and it makes it much easier.