Writing Challenge ~ 15th - 30th March 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

[Vail_Indigo]

Millennia - this isn't exactly what I sat down to write, and so it needs a rewrite, but also about a month to work on the sensory descriptions etc.
But I wanted to get this out now.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Millennia - Vail

For anyone who knows you, it's possible to see how much you wanted to get this down as soon as possible, there are a couple of spelling mistakes.

I was a little confused as to who was who.

Trying to explain the feelings she was having was the best part for me, this feeling of an orgasm so powerful that it transcends the inefficiency of friction against skin and delves straight into the nerves and just says "PLEASURE".

Not really as much tentacles as I was hoping from you, but a new take on it, it reminds me of something I've seen before, but right now it is on the tip of my mind (a cartoon where the villain uses tentacles the burrow into the persons mind)

 

[fr33ks33k]

Millennia - this isn't exactly what I sat down to write, and so it needs a rewrite, but also about a month to work on the sensory descriptions etc.
But I wanted to get this out now.

If those are the sort of things you write unintentionally, I hope you lose intention permanently. Maybe it's just my love of sci-fi/techno-punk/whatever else it is I can't come up with a name for, but that was enthralling. A few errant words, but the brain easily fixes those. If you plan to rewrite, I am interested to see how it is altered.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Millennia - Vail

For anyone who knows you, it's possible to see how much you wanted to get this down as soon as possible, there are a couple of spelling mistakes.

I was a little confused as to who was who.

Trying to explain the feelings she was having was the best part for me, this feeling of an orgasm so powerful that it transcends the inefficiency of friction against skin and delves straight into the nerves and just says "PLEASURE".

Not really as much tentacles as I was hoping from you, but a new take on it, it reminds me of something I've seen before, but right now it is on the tip of my mind (a cartoon where the villain uses tentacles the burrow into the persons mind)

Crap. I knew that was going to be an issue, telling her from her. When I rewrite, I'll fix it.
I think the burrowing into someone's mind is pretty common. But yeah, I went a different way with the tentacles, something like I did a while back in another thread. I'll probably do something a little more 'mainstream' if I try again, just for you
(requests?)

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Crap. I knew that was going to be an issue, telling her from her. When I rewrite, I'll fix it.
I think the burrowing into someone's mind is pretty common. But yeah, I went a different way with the tentacles, something like I did a while back in another thread. I'll probably do something a little more 'mainstream' if I try again, just for you
(requests?)

Mainstream tentacles? Still sounds good to me.

You know it's going to bug me as I think of where I remember this from, I'm going to spend days thinking about it *confused anger*

EDIT: I think I remember, Stargate.

When the replicators evolve to look like humans, they become like liquid metal and can read people's mind as their fingers become like tentacles and drive them into the person's head

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Mainstream tentacles? Still sounds good to me.

You know it's going to bug me as I think of where I remember this from, I'm going to spend days thinking about it *confused anger*

EDIT: I think I remember, Stargate.

When the replicators evolve to look like humans, they become like liquid metal and can read people's mind as their fingers become like tentacles and drive them into the person's head

Yah, I'll see what I can come up with.

Not for nothing: replicator sex.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

If those are the sort of things you write unintentionally, I hope you lose intention permanently. Maybe it's just my love of sci-fi/techno-punk/whatever else it is I can't come up with a name for, but that was enthralling. A few errant words, but the brain easily fixes those. If you plan to rewrite, I am interested to see how it is altered.

Thanks fr33k! This is exactly the kind of thing I like as well. Cyberpunk meets wetware meets new sensoriums. Meets and grows beyond.
And fucks.

 

[Last_Rider]

Milennia - Vail

Your descriptions are breath taking, the way we get lost in the who is who during the mind joining is deep and makes perfect sense given what is going on. For the parts before that it can be a little difficult to tell who is who, but for the other scenes is works wonderfully. You're an incredibly gifted writer, this was lovely.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Milennia - Vail

Your descriptions are breath taking, the way we get lost in the who is who during the mind joining is deep and makes perfect sense given what is going on. For the parts before that it can be a little difficult to tell who is who, but for the other scenes is works wonderfully. You're an incredibly gifted writer, this was lovely.

Thanks LR, as I was reviewing a bit, I was torn about the melding scenes. But I decided that it isn't really a melding. Rial is doing this to Niv, most definitely. So I have to clear things up there, I think, as well.
Funny, I was talking with someone months ago and they said they had the same problem when writing lesbian stories, making sure the reader knows who is who. I think that, if I define the two characters more physically, too, it'll become easier.

its really just me being lazy

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Milennia - Vail

Your descriptions are breath taking, the way we get lost in the who is who during the mind joining is deep and makes perfect sense given what is going on. For the parts before that it can be a little difficult to tell who is who, but for the other scenes is works wonderfully. You're an incredibly gifted writer, this was lovely.

yeah, it wasn't really the melding part that made if difficult to differentiate. That part was actually quite clear.

It was outside of that that was more difficult to tell who was who

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Re-write is up

 

[Last_Rider]

The re-write is much more polished Vail, both are wonderful though. The narrative is a little clearer, and I had no trouble figuring out who was who during the more intimate moments, and of course the joining scene is still fabulous.

 

[Britwitch]

Proper reviews coming soon but love them all so far...Zy, you crack me up and I love love loved yours!

New challenge starting in a couple of days peeps!!

 

[Last_Rider]

Back Home - fddb410

This was awesome. Just enough detail about why he was gone and what had happened to help us feel the ache as well as him. The anxiety is quite genuine, not just because we all seem a little warped here ( ) but because you're inside his head. You feel the longing, the fear, all of it. Then the end, the relief when you realize that despite it all, it's going to end up OK for them. Bravo sir.

 

[fddb410]

Back Home - fddb410

This was awesome. Just enough detail about why he was gone and what had happened to help us feel the ache as well as him. The anxiety is quite genuine, not just because we all seem a little warped here ( ) but because you're inside his head. You feel the longing, the fear, all of it. Then the end, the relief when you realize that despite it all, it's going to end up OK for them. Bravo sir.

Thank you sir. I'm glad you liked it. Now I need to catch up and read yours and the others...haven't had much time lately.

 

[fddb410]

Fitful Rest- Last Rider

Rider, I really enjoyed how you gave the castle a 'live presence' in the context of its environment and those looking upon it. The range of emotion related to how it was perceived in so many ways based upon the context of the viewer...in the eye of the beholder kind of metaphor. So true of so many real life situations I think. That was how I read it anyway. I thoroughly enjoyed it....It didn't seem at all funky to me

 

[fddb410]

Millennia - this isn't exactly what I sat down to write, and so it needs a rewrite, but also about a month to work on the sensory descriptions etc.
But I wanted to get this out now.

Re-write is up

Millenia - Vail
To be honest Vail I'm so glad you did both...the original and the 'rewrite' because though the genre is not one I have enjoyed much before, I loved both stories. The parts they had in common were quite worthy of being 'shared' but the tone seemed different to me in the two. I felt like I had a pretty good idea of what was going on in the first...and for sure in the second, but I loved them both. You've a very creative mind to go where you went with them. I really enjoyed the reads...they doubled the pleasure.

 

[The_gladiator]

The variety of the submissions is just breathtaking. I loved each of them for different reasons. They were all incredibly written and thought out. I'm glad I saw this thread and read them all.

sorry for not having feedback for each at this time.

 

[Britwitch]

Just to remind people there are only a few more hours left until this challenge closes.

The new challenge will begin on Friday 1st April

Doesn't look like my own entry will be ready though...unless my muse gets it's arse in gear very very quickly!

Brilliant entries all though

 

[Britwitch]

This challenge is now closed for new submissions. Please feel free to continue to discuss and reviews it's entries!

Thanks to all who took part, both writers and reviewers, and the next challenge will start tomorrow!!

​

 

[Britwitch]

Due to circumstances beyond my control, the next challenge won't start until Saturday 2nd April.

My sincere apologies to everyone waiting for it!

​

 

[Last_Rider]

lol, it's just april first Brit, we wont mind waiting a bit more at all.