Writing Challenge ~ February 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

[Alana_]

Sally, Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow was beautifully done, if sad. The imagery was beautiful, and added suck effect to the story. I felt his sorrow, and her hope, and the lurch of hurt at the end. Very well done.

SeaUrchin, loved the initial plot of the story. I would have loved to have seen it a little longer to give you the chance to expand a little on descriptions and details, but the story itself was sound. It would make a super basis for a role play. I love the fantasy and the 'happy ending'.

PG, love your Haiku. I don't know much about poetry of any form, but this for it's shortness and effect, read beautifully to my mind. Well done, because I don't think capturing in so few words can be easy.

fr33k, your paragraph was a sumptuous little read.! You have a lovely knack for words, and I look forward to you hopefully writing something of greater length the next time. The use of words is beautiful.

Cosmic Knight, your Solar Soliloquy was determined to bring me to tears. The guys seem to be going for the heart strings this time around, and to great effect. It's a lovely piece, and you paced it and broke up the paragraphs to get imprint the greatest emotional tugs. Very clever, and very nicely done.

FM's To Feel Alive was a read I wouldn't have made had I known before hand what it would be about.
It's stunning.! A terrificly paced piece of writing that absolutely horrified me. I'm not into this kind of prose but damn if I hated liking it.
Absolutely riveting , even if I can safely say I will never read it again . But it's excellent, credit where it's deserved, the girl wrote a superb piece.

Niriate's Oman to a good Life is a light easy read, that fuels smiles and awww's. Lovely little Hallmark moment. I would have read more..A lot more, but perhaps if it had been longer it might not have been what Niri was after. But well done, your writing was gorgeous and generous with kindness and romance.

 

[Cosmic Knight]

My gracious thanks to the kind folk of the lounge.

Your words are very much appreciated.

X 12

 

[Last_Rider]

Solar Soliloquy - CK

Beautifully written. Poignant, the memory clearly a good one, and ending with just a touch of sadness. Perfectly bittersweet, as such memories are prone to be. Well done.

To feel alive -FM

Firstly, not a fan of the subject matter. That said, very well done. I enjoyed the last bit, with him just sitting and contemplating the feel of being alive. It was very well written, paced well, and the bits of insight into his mind helped much. If I were to change one thing, and this is just me, I might have made her death accidental instead of deliberate and then have him realize just how alive it made him feel. Difficult to read at times, but that's a total compliment on your style. It feels very real.

The Omen of a good life - Niri

Firstly, I like that this was a happy story. This prompt seems to have inspired melancholy or worse in many of us, or maybe it's just the time of year. It was well written, paced well, the uncertainty added just enough of an edge to it. My compliments.

I reread my previous entry after reading FM's piece, and I can get why people found it morbid. Most of my personal writing has a slightly darker bend to it, and I can see where some darker stuff could be in there. While I didn't intentionally put any in there, I'm a big believer in personal views on writing and whatever you see/get out of a piece is very much your own. Seeing as I got some emotional reaction, which is at the end of the day what I try to do with my writing, I'm debating finding another story to post for this prompt.

Oh, not that I steal my work, I simply believe stories already exist and it's the writers job to find them.

 

[Niriate]

Thanks everyone.

I had several ideas floating in my head, but I settled on this one to provide some differentation compared to the other stories.

Alana, I indeed didn't want to make this story any longer, because it would risk being too drawn-out and repetitious.
I'm glad you all enjoyed the story, makes me feel happy too.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

FM-dear god, woman...I sometimes forget how amazing you are.

To the rest - sorry, i've been busy, I'll try and catch up

 

[Ausus_girl13]

CK, PG, Fr33k- all awesome pieces.

FM- chills, babe. Oh wow, do I have chills. That was amazing. I've always been a fan of your writing, and you never fail to surprise me. Ever. Just when I think you've found your level of depravity, you take it somewhere else. Amazing.

And if I haven't commented on yours, I'm sorry, I've read them all and they are amazing, I love seeing the level of creativity and what a simple image can evoke.

 

[Last_Rider]

FF. I just read your entry.It stopped my breath. I have no words. It was breathtaking . It brought me to soft silent tears...

Seconded in many ways.

 

[fuckmeat]

To feel alive -FM

Firstly, not a fan of the subject matter. That said, very well done. I enjoyed the last bit, with him just sitting and contemplating the feel of being alive. It was very well written, paced well, and the bits of insight into his mind helped much. If I were to change one thing, and this is just me, I might have made her death accidental instead of deliberate and then have him realize just how alive it made him feel. Difficult to read at times, but that's a total compliment on your style. It feels very real.

Yeah, I got a bit carried away with it and then posted my entry before giving thought to how out there it was in terms of depravity. I do sincerely apologise if I've managed to traumatise any of you guys. I've since edited in a warning.

I also thought about making Laura's death accidental but the brutal truth is that that notion didn't get me quite as hot when I was sitting and typing this thing. It's pretty much unedited and I only had a basic notion of the plot before I started. It just flowed... but then I had to edit stuff out to conform to the pesky word limit.

I'd also like to say that when I first saw Brit's prompt I was a bit miffed because I wanted to participate this month and realised I'd have to make a male character the main focus. I actually found that I really enjoyed the challenge of writing my piece from a sadistic male perspective and being proactive rather than reactive. Brit may have created a monster!

So... bout time I reviewed you guys.

Ausus

Very emotive and I think that many guys must have a real internal battle when they realise they're gay. Childhood friends are likely to baulk in homophobic terror. Parents have to rethink their notions of pride, grandkids etc. And it was incredibly moving that his first experiences made it real to him, rather than a fantasy he could grow out of or something. So yeah, big thumbs up.

Last_Rider

I liked the imagery of your character throwing the ring into the lake as the sun set. The setting sun has always been a metaphor for endings. The act of throwing the ring away and closing the book on his engagement also made it a new beginning at the same time. So a highly eloquent use of the imagery in Brit's prompt.

sally

Very poignant and emotionally charged. I was very much there with Laura, sharing her anxiety. Again, the setting sun represented an ending. The focus was more on Laura than her husband, which made prevented the piece from sounding clichéd.

Sea_Urchin

Nice to see a new face, so well done for jumping in and participating.

It was an original take on the prompt pic. As others have said you could do with proof reading your work but I liked the idea of a big bad cowboy being rescued by mermaids and then becoming infatuated with them. I hope he found his rescuer and didn't drown.

PG

Never a man to use a whole bunch of words when one very loud one will do and there's no change here. It made me think of the famous Nietzsche quote: -

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

You being my favourite monster, it seemed apt.

fr33k

Very philosophical and lyrically paced. Beautiful. I loved it.

Cosmic Knight

Another tragic take on the image, we're all such a happy bunch of writers aren't we? Memories are best savoured in emotive places and I liked the quiet reflection in this piece. Although he will never see her again, the memory remains a perfect, untainted treasure. Love like that never gets the chance to fail, to become mundane, to reach the point where you're sick of the other person. Powerful stuff, well done.

Niriate

Finally, someone writes something happy! Yeah, I know I have no room to talk. It's a beautiful spot for a proposal. Honouring the legend about watching sunsets was endearingly superstitious, as though a couple that solid are in need of luck. It was a very sweet piece and left me with a warm fuzzy glow.

 

[Britwitch]

I'd also like to say that when I first saw Brit's prompt I was a bit miffed because I wanted to participate this month and realised I'd have to make a male character the main focus. I actually found that I really enjoyed the challenge of writing my piece from a sadistic male perspective and being proactive rather than reactive. Brit may have created a monster!

Now then, now then, I feel I must clarify...the prompt is just a prompt you can use any or all elements of it as you like. Just because there is a man in it doesn't mean he has to be the centre of your piece...if you had decided not to have a male character at all, that'd be more than fine too

That said, if I can take any credit at all for the amazing, breathtaking piece you wrote then I'm not going to complain at all

 

[fuckmeat]

Now then, now then, I feel I must clarify...the prompt is just a prompt you can use any or all elements of it as you like. Just because there is a man in it doesn't mean he has to be the centre of your piece...if you had decided not to have a male character at all, that'd be more than fine too

That said, if I can take any credit at all for the amazing, breathtaking piece you wrote then I'm not going to complain at all

Oh I know I didn't have to, but the prompt made me feel that I should. The challenge was good for me, which is what this is all about. I certainly didn't feel obligated to crawl into the head of a murderous sadist.

 

[Niriate]

Niriate

Finally, someone writes something happy! Yeah, I know I have no room to talk. It's a beautiful spot for a proposal. Honouring the legend about watching sunsets was endearingly superstitious, as though a couple that solid are in need of luck. It was a very sweet piece and left me with a warm fuzzy glow.

*ding ding ding*

I gave FM a warm and fuzzy feeling, mission complete.

I'm glad that you liked it dear. For me the hard part was to get it all on the screen the way it played out in my head. But I've done a pretty good job at it, and people seem to like it.

 

[Last_Rider]

Just Another Day - M13

I think the only thing hindering me in this story was my lack of fully understanding the local vernacular for you Aussies. So I read it twice so I had context for the phrases I wasn't familiar with and it's still very good. The imagery is nice, starting with a slower pace to mimic the quiet before dawn, then picking up as the hands wake and work becomes the topic on mind and at hand. I've never been to the outback, or even on a ranch, but the whole scene seems very natural, so more kudos to you. All in all I definitely liked this.

 

[Alana_]

M13, that was just gorgeous!
What a lovely take on the picture., considering the floods your country has just experienced. You took a flood plane, and made it just beautiful. The imagery was just so relaxing, and the humor lifted it just enough without attacking the calm of a lovely morning. Beautifully done. Very much my kind of reading. Thank you.

 

[Ausus_girl13]

Alana, you just pwned all the other stories. I loved it. The blocking was a little weird (though I'm a little intense about the ways the words look on my screen) but I loved it, your story called into focus all the others. And that, is very cool.

 

[Ahren]

Alana, you just pwned all the other stories

Seriously?

 

[Ausus_girl13]

Seriously?

Laughs
Eh. I was trying to be cute. Sorry, it was epic failure in your world, babe. I will try harder next time.

 

[Last_Rider]

The perfect sunrise - Alana

This was wonderful. The insight into the artistic photographer was perfectly placed and added to the entire piece as opposed to sounding preachy. It seems to reference sunrise and sunset at different times instead of sticking with one or the other, but such is the nature of the picture. Totally and completely beautiful, well done.

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

First, Brit, thank you for again coordinating this!

Too many ideas rolling around in my own head and needing to settle on one to write, but in the meantime I began reading entries. (sorry, I haven't read them all yet):

Ausus – Wonderful marriage of inner turmoil and blissful recollections; the beginning end mirror each other beautifully

Last Rider – I love when stories make me think and ponder … What happened? What’s going to happen? And your entry did that to me, even a great bit afterwards I still thought of it.

Sallythescorpion – Very emotional; I can feel Laura’s worry, almost panic as she waits; I can feel her reaction once he says he’s leaving; you gave enough information to paint a clear picture, but also left it open for interpretation; truly, my heart wars racing with hers as he came to her with his decision

Sea Urchin – So many details and events packed into such a concise story; a creative premise; very ambitious pacing for such a short piece

The PG – Reading your haiku after reading the stories above it made for interesting connections; “watching to the end” … of the day, of the turmoil, of the relationship … so simple on the surface, can take on such meaning in other circumstances

Fr33ks33k – I loved the language you used, the rhythm of the phrasing, the images you created.

Cosmic Knight – So many details left unsaid – who was she, why are they apart; but that just made the description of the time they were together and the feelings behind that time even more vivid; the symbolism was so artfully integrated!

FM *grin*, I scanned through the first entries before I had a chance to read any of them and your warning caught my eye. I even told Mistress that I wanted to read yours first because your warning intrigued me. I was talking to her as I read your entry and just kept commenting “wow, this is so emotional.” You painted the emotions of both Alex and Laura so clearly in the first third of the story that the rest fell in place for me since I felt like I knew your characters. That said, your ending shocked the hell out of me. But on re-reading it, the way you built the tension throughout should have prepared me for it to end as it did. Wow! You are amazing.

 

[Alana_]

Alana, you just pwned all the other stories. I loved it. The blocking was a little weird (though I'm a little intense about the ways the words look on my screen) but I loved it, your story called into focus all the others. And that, is very cool.

Ausus, I think that's a compliment lol..so thank you. I'm thinking by 'blocking' you mean the paragraphs? It's probably is because I paragraph by what makes sense to me, when really I should do it by what might make best sense to others.
But I'm delighted you enjoyed, and got the tie in with the person behind the camera capturing the picture, as opposed to the guy in the picture. That makes me happy.

 

[Alana_]

The perfect sunrise - Alana

This was wonderful. The insight into the artistic photographer was perfectly placed and added to the entire piece as opposed to sounding preachy. It seems to reference sunrise and sunset at different times instead of sticking with one or the other, but such is the nature of the picture. Totally and completely beautiful, well done.

Rider, I actually hadn't noticed the error with sunrise and sunset in the last line of the story despite rereading and editing it.
I debated editing it yesterday after your post, but I think I'll leave it. I think I like what you saw about it being 'the nature of the picture'.

Thank you very much for reading it, and being so generous with your comment.

 

[Last_Rider]

Emerald Lilly

I liked this by and large. The story starts out where you almost sympathize with the man, but his internal dialouge quickly makes it clear he's not at all sympathetic. I felt a few bits were a bit too broadly drawn and stereotypical, but then again most people like that are far from unique, sadly. I enjoyed it, very well written.

 

[Ausus_girl13]

EL- good job, I really hated your char. But then I've never been a fan of alcoholics, well written btw.

DM- I found your language very evocative, pulling up the image and the feelings of the two people. Were they leaving each other? Had someone died? Very well written.

NOW... Vail, my response to this one is tied up with this idea of victim blaming, and what she "should" have done. I want to tell you that you're wrong. And to be honest, while I loved your writing. I hated this, I know you won't be surprised given my history and all. It's one of those gray areas, where on the one hand, she's sort of responsible, on the other she isn't. It's ugly. As always I want to thank you for pushing the envelope and then smack you.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

EL- good job, I really hated your char. But then I've never been a fan of alcoholics, well written btw.

DM- I found your language very evocative, pulling up the image and the feelings of the two people. Were they leaving each other? Had someone died? Very well written.

NOW... Vail, my response to this one is tied up with this idea of victim blaming, and what she "should" have done. I want to tell you that you're wrong. And to be honest, while I loved your writing. I hated this, I know you won't be surprised given my history and all. It's one of those gray areas, where on the one hand, she's sort of responsible, on the other she isn't. It's ugly. As always I want to thank you for pushing the envelope and then smack you.

Crap. OK, my goal was to get inside her head, the horror still going on. And, you know as well as I do, that the victim is often trapped in blaming themselves, even after the events are over, unless they get help. And she's still there, she's not even close to OK or healthy, she's broken and beaten down in a fundamental way. It would be bizarre for her to NOT blame herself at this point.
Its MEANT to be horrible and ugly and painful.

 

[Ausus_girl13]

Crap. OK, my goal was to get inside her head, the horror still going on. And, you know as well as I do, that the victim is often trapped in blaming themselves, even after the events are over, unless they get help. And she's still there, she's not even close to OK or healthy, she's broken and beaten down in a fundamental way. It would be bizarre for her to NOT blame herself at this point.
Its MEANT to be horrible and ugly and painful.

I know. I think it would have been more effective in first person, then. It would allow the victim to own her situation, since you are right, her mind would be in total turmoil.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

I know. I think it would have been more effective in first person, then. It would allow the victim to own her situation, since you are right, her mind would be in total turmoil.

Crap, Part II. Its in the first person in that this is the narrative going on in her head, talking about herself in the third person.
OK, this didn't work.
Oh well.