Your Thoughts On What Makes a Good Dom/Master/Mistress/Sub/Slave

[the captians wench]

Online tends to be more fantasy based. It's so much easier to say things online that you'd never dream of doing in real life. It's basically an anonymous way to try things.

I'm afraid you'll find a lot of us here will disagree with you. Like rose, when Master tells me to jump I jump. He tells me no french fries at work I have not touched them, and if I slip I tell him, always. There are those who can do that and those who can't, just that simple. Anything I have agreed to do with him online, I will do when we meet. And there are a lot of things that I have done for him on cam, that he will do to me when we meet. I have beaten myself harder by my own hand and his command than anyone else has done to me. Why? because he told me I would beat myself to tears and damnit I did!

As for what to look for, I would have to say one important thing for me is some one I can talk to. Even if it's some one that I'm just playing with rt, I have to be able to say "hey lets back up I need to talk about something". If I can't do that then the dynamic won't work. They have to be aproachable. They have to be understanding of my special needs as well. And I am a needy little bitch. I'm hypoglycemic, so they have to be aware of my status with my sugar. I also have a lot of trust issues, and a lot of self worth issues, and history of abuse, so they have to be understanding of me and pacient with me. And I'm an attention whore, so i need a lot of a person's time and attention. These are my needs, so it's what I look for when I'm looking for a playmate. But my master found me, and he's worked with me thru my needs, he's always been willing to work to make sure I'm being taken care of as well as me taking care of him.

Figure out what your needs are, and then your wants. What's a breaking point for you, and be honest. If you can't submit to some one who's 5'2, say so. If you need some one availible to you 24/7 but you're willing to overlook the fact he smokes, say so. It might help you to make a list of everything you want and things you need, but be sure to seperate those two.

 

[Toa_lin]

As i've failed to elaborate on the red flags ideal, i guess I could go into it some, but many have allready said it. the major ones are about pushing too fast, trying to make it so you can only contact them in one way, etc. Others being what your gut simply tells you is wrong. and finally, there are the ones where they start asking mroe and more personal info too soon, or things you don't want to give to someone until you know them in person for who they are. (Social Security number as an obvious one, home address if you don't plan to ever get together, things like that)) The idea is simply to protect yourself first.


And on a side note, the talking aobut those of us who are serious about the LDR relationship like Rose, Minx, and Wenchie for e.g. ... just check out the Distance Domination Support Thread, you'll find LOTS of people who take it seriously. Cus if they don't, they generally don't need the kind of support offered there. GENERALLY(/mini-hijack)

 

[Toa_lin]

I'm afraid you'll find a lot of us here will disagree with you. Like rose, when Master tells me to jump I jump. He tells me no french fries at work I have not touched them, and if I slip I tell him, always. There are those who can do that and those who can't, just that simple. Anything I have agreed to do with him online, I will do when we meet. And there are a lot of things that I have done for him on cam, that he will do to me when we meet. I have beaten myself harder by my own hand and his command than anyone else has done to me. Why? because he told me I would beat myself to tears and damnit I did!

As for what to look for, I would have to say one important thing for me is some one I can talk to. Even if it's some one that I'm just playing with rt, I have to be able to say "hey lets back up I need to talk about something". If I can't do that then the dynamic won't work. They have to be aproachable. They have to be understanding of my special needs as well. And I am a needy little bitch. I'm hypoglycemic, so they have to be aware of my status with my sugar. I also have a lot of trust issues, and a lot of self worth issues, and history of abuse, so they have to be understanding of me and pacient with me. And I'm an attention whore, so i need a lot of a person's time and attention. These are my needs, so it's what I look for when I'm looking for a playmate. But my master found me, and he's worked with me thru my needs, he's always been willing to work to make sure I'm being taken care of as well as me taking care of him.

Figure out what your needs are, and then your wants. What's a breaking point for you, and be honest. If you can't submit to some one who's 5'2, say so. If you need some one availible to you 24/7 but you're willing to overlook the fact he smokes, say so. It might help you to make a list of everything you want and things you need, but be sure to seperate those two.

yes, write up a list of what you want, what you need, what you'd PREFER not to have, and what you simply can't have in the relationship. Oh, and if you haven't done so allready, check out a BDSM checklist, it'll help you add more things to the lists.

 

[Yang4yin]

I guess I just have a knack for contacting the less serious ones. I certainly didn't mean to offend those who do take it seriously.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I guess I just have a knack for contacting the less serious ones. I certainly didn't mean to offend those who do take it seriously.

no offense taken, and i'm sorry if i got a bit defensive, but i hear it all of the time how online is only game playing and it can't be taken serious, it's all fantasy, yada yada yada, feels like i'm forever defending it......

 

[July06]

i think this might have been said already, but they should be willing to answer all of your questions. and ask some of their own, and not ones just pertaining to BDSM and sex, but to you and your personality and quirks.

they also should be pasient and understanding. and its a plus if they sometimes know how you feel without you having to sell it out.

just my thoughts

 

[Auraka6669]

Online tends to be more fantasy based. It's so much easier to say things online that you'd never dream of doing in real life. It's basically an anonymous way to try things.

Bolded the keywords there... "Tends to be". He didn't say it all is. Jesus, everyone gets their panties in a bunch over nothing.

As to what makes someone "good"? It's just a bond. You click, and that is good for you. Black's and white's.

Things don't line up, they don't line up. Don't force it, it just won't work. To each their own.

 

[minx1]

Bolded the keywords there... "Tends to be". He didn't say it all is. Jesus, everyone gets their panties in a bunch over nothing.

Yes you are right everyone does...surely suggesting that to us it isn't actually 'nothing'.

Though in this case Yang was making a generalisation and meant no offence, I also support Rose. It does get a little tedious continually reading that online is almost 'second class' when it fact for all the subs in LDRs that I know it is far from that.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread, but I did want to make the point.

 

[FantasySlut]

i disagree. there is nothing and has been nothing fantasy based since the beginning of Master and i's relationship. when He told me to do soemthing, i did it, period. we've been online LDR for 3 years, just recently meeting face to face in Sept. the first time and January the second time. sorry but this is a sore spot for me. i hear it all of the time that online D/s is all fantasy blah blah blah...it's far from it, atleast for me, and alot of others i know that are LDR at the moment.

it's all about your devotion and dedication to your Dom or sub, the relationship in general. sure there are some who are in it for fantasy only, but not that many that i've met to be honest. that is why i said i don't see much of a difference between online and real life, other than the obvious.....

I don't feel Yang meant that it's *fantasy* to everyone in an online/phone BDSM relationship. Just a generalization of what he feels. Just as lil slave mentioned above.......To each his own...and how each one needs to carry it out. Some want it to be reality based and others just want the *fantasy/play time* of it. It's different strokes for different folks.

Now, I've played the bdsm fantasy, a few times. But if I were to ever make it real...by having an actual true *dom* for online/phone....then of course, it would take a on a different meaning to me, and I would take it seriously and honestly.

 

[FantasySlut]

actually, if you're truly serious about the relationship not every task is easy to follow through with on the phone/internet....just as 'tasks' in real time are not that easy....*shrugs* maybe it's just me and Master's relationship, not that i dont' think it will be different once we are living it 24/7 but we ahve been living it 24/7 for the last almost 4 years ..just in different states.....

I agree....it depends on the task at hand. When I said it's easier being online/phone....I only meant that it would be easier for me to speak my feelings. I'm the type that as long as I don't have to look you in the face, I can speak without getting all bashful LOL

 

[FantasySlut]

my only question to this is, will your spouse know about the Dom? if not, that's a recipe for disaster.....just my opinion

Good question.....and honestly, no he would not. No need to go into details about this part either. Things are how they are, and will be. Not making excuses...just how things are.

 

[FantasySlut]

You and I have chatted off the boards, so you know my opinion, but I’ll offer it here, since you pointed me to your thread.

In my opinion, you have to go with your gut instincts. If there are signs that the relationship is not safe, one-sided, or simply “odd” feeling, then those are your red flags. Once you start feeling these things you are not safe and need to take care of you. It is hard to do, especially if you have invested time in a relationship and have found yourself feeling more for a person than you had been in the beginning. It is not easy to give up that feeling, but for your own inner being you need to find the man that makes you safe.

To me a true Dom, a mature one, will accept you for the woman you are. . .all of you, from the wrinkles around your lips to the mole on your ass. They will love every inch of you, because they own you. You have given them a unique gift . . .yourself. If they don’t make you feel cherished, desired, loved, respected, then there is something missing in the relationship and you need to examine your needs and the situation.

Did I advertise? Not really. . .I spoke about my desires in threads I frequent, but I didn’t start a thread for that purpose, probably because I didn’t want PMs to flood my box. Most everyone knows from my posts I’m submissive sexually, so I think it was easy for a true Dom to approach me, rather than a Dom wannabe.

Whatever you do, just go with your gut and if it feels wrong in any way. . . It probably is.

~ Red

Thank you Red I know how you felt about this before hand and I thank you for taking the time to post about this..........AND EVERYONE else too.........And yes you are correct in everything you said. I suppose that is why we have that special guy instinct, yes? I sometimes am able to tell, but you know there are THOSE times I can.....lol....*sigh*

 

[FantasySlut]

I really agree with what Red had to say!!!

Good luck to you, sweetie!

Thank you Hottie
Seems as if we need all the luck we can at times *hugs*

 

[FantasySlut]

*smile* God yes it satisfies me. It probably satisfies me to much though because it makes me want to be with him in real life lol
I guess that is because of the bond we have formed though. I am sure some have online relationships that they are more than happy to keep just as online.

in terms of the pushy ones yeah...theres a difference in being gently cajolled and feeling that you are being hyjacked lol

With the questions...I mean ask them about what they want in a sub, about their experience, what they want from a D/s relationship etc and sure ask them questions about themselves.

I'm happy for you then. Seems you have what you want
Ohhh I'm the type that asks LOTS of questions...too many at times LOL...
So that MAY be my type of red flag......well, that is if you are able to tell if the person is lying or not
Enjoy what you have hun

 

[the captians wench]

no offense taken, and i'm sorry if i got a bit defensive, but i hear it all of the time how online is only game playing and it can't be taken serious, it's all fantasy, yada yada yada, feels like i'm forever defending it......

ditto. And I'm sorry if I got a bit harsh as well.

 

[FantasySlut]

Toa.....minx...Captians Wench

Thank you again for taking the time to post....

Yes, I know about asking LOTS of questions, etc.....stating what you what/need out of it....and questions relating to what he would want/need......and yes, the bdsm check list...I know of that as well.......by the way, which is a LONG list to complete!! LOL....

And definitely, both (dom/sub, etc) has to be able to accept you for WHO you are......the whole you.....faults and all. Don't try to change you to fit who they want either. Etc, etc. Lots to know and lots to figure out before the initial steps need to be taken.

 

[FantasySlut]

i think this might have been said already, but they should be willing to answer all of your questions. and ask some of their own, and not ones just pertaining to BDSM and sex, but to you and your personality and quirks.

they also should be patient and understanding. and its a plus if they sometimes know how you feel without you having to sell it out.

just my thoughts

Thank you for posting your thoughts July.....*ditto* to all the above

Someone would need TONS of patience to *deal* with me lol...

 

[FantasySlut]

Bolded the keywords there... "Tends to be". He didn't say it all is. Jesus, everyone gets their panties in a bunch over nothing.

As to what makes someone "good"? It's just a bond. You click, and that is good for you. Black's and white's.

Things don't line up, they don't line up. Don't force it, it just won't work. To each their own.

Again, ditto......thank you for posting.....It either is, or it isn't....simple as that. No use crying over spilled milk....

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Good question.....and honestly, no he would not. No need to go into details about this part either. Things are how they are, and will be. Not making excuses...just how things are.

in my experience (which i'll admit is limited) if the spouse is not aware of the Dom or vice versa, it just ends in alot of heartbreak. i dont' think it's fair to keep it from your spouse...but again, it's my opinion.....i wish you luck

 

[Netzach]

Good question.....and honestly, no he would not. No need to go into details about this part either. Things are how they are, and will be. Not making excuses...just how things are.

In your case, someone in a similar situation with a very strong sense of boundaries and compartments is essential. "We must never meet" can really get lost in the deluge of words and emotions if you're not really really ironclad in your sense of what you will and will not do.

Not that I have such gigantic qualms about adultery - the world isn't perfect, people have secrets and lies for hosts of reasons and oblivious spouses are not always faultless and pristine innocents. But be really clear about what you are and are not willing to do and find someone who doesn't have reason to try and push your boundaries to the point of fucking everything up.

 

[FantasySlut]

Again, I want to thank each of you for taking the time to post and to advise. I do know that each situation is different, each person will want/need their own set of *rules*. So there really aren't any one set of guidelines for these thoughts/questions. I'll take something from each of your posts and apply it where needed. All of you have given me plenty to think about.

As for my situation and for those that may feel I shouldn't hide things....Well, all I can say to that is, *to each his own*. You would need to walk in my shoes to understand any of this. Just as I would need to be in your shoes to accept/understand the choices/decisions that you make pertaining to your own life. And that's the key....to *our own life*. We all do what is best for each of us....It may be wrong in another's eyes, and other's may not understand.....but the bottom line is only the people involved will ever truly know the situation....and the whys and what nots.

Thank you again,

Sincerely,
FS

 

[Marquis]

In your case, someone in a similar situation with a very strong sense of boundaries and compartments is essential. "We must never meet" can really get lost in the deluge of words and emotions if you're not really really ironclad in your sense of what you will and will not do.

Not that I have such gigantic qualms about adultery - the world isn't perfect, people have secrets and lies for hosts of reasons and oblivious spouses are not always faultless and pristine innocents. But be really clear about what you are and are not willing to do and find someone who doesn't have reason to try and push your boundaries to the point of fucking everything up.

I would totally bottom to you.

 

[SephStarr]

Online tends to be more fantasy based. It's so much easier to say things online that you'd never dream of doing in real life. It's basically an anonymous way to try things.

Yes-this is in fact how I learned about my own kinks and sexual preferences, by playing online. It's certainly VERY different from playing IRL, though-the thing that I'd been thinking of as my biggest turn-on of all I turned out not to be able to deal with at all IRL, and something that had never appealed to me online turned out to be amazingly erotic IRL.

It's odd.

EDIT: Whoops, I should really learn to read before I post. Obviously I'm not saying that it's not possible to have a 'genuine' D/s relationship online, simply that for me that's not how it worked out-and not what I wanted from playing online, either. This post is about my own experiences, not casting aspersions over anyone else's