Zhuk's Zhakk

[Zhuk]

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[Zhuk]

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[Zhuk]

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[Zhuk]

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[JUDO]

Re: Living in the fast lane

Hurtling along the highway,
smashed with speed.
Thrill dumps adrenaline in blood,
mind races to catch up with life.

Peripheral scenery slips past
to dissolve in a whirring blur.
The rush of roaring air and loud music,
drown calls of caution from co-travelers.

World in the rear view mirror recedes unseen,
senses concentrate on the immediate.
The moment warps what lies ahead,
as vision tunnels in to a fiery point.


Rescuers douse the blazing wreck,
noting the absence of brake marks.
Oblivious the traffic moves on.

- Zhuk

My thoughts, Z.

Hurtling along the highway, (present tense)
smashed with speed. (past tense and gives away the ending)
Thrill dumps adrenaline in blood, (a complete sentence needs a period at the end)
mind races to catch up with life. (why "with life?")

Peripheral scenery slips past ("slips" why not, zooms or races or accelerates?)
to dissolve in a whirring blur.("dissolve" always makes me think of powder in water in a swirling motion, how about smear or tear or transform? "whirring" always makes me think of a spinning motion, why not blinding or slashing or flashing?)
The rush of roaring air and loud music, (I like 'loud air' and 'roaring music' better, save the big for the end -- roaring is bigger than loud and no comma necessary here)
drown calls of caution from co-travelers. (by co-travelers do you mean others in the car, or other drivers of other cars? If the first, passengers would be a better word, if the sencond, use "honks" instead of "calls" and call them "other drivers." Co-travelers makes me stop and think and ruins the flow of speed, you want short sentences, short thoughts, getting faster and faster to the end.)

World in the rear view mirror recedes unseen, (lose 'mirror')
senses concentrate on the immediate. (use 'focus' rather than 'concentrate', it's quicker)
The moment warps what lies ahead, (no comma)
as vision tunnels in to a fiery point.(lose 'in')


Rescuers douse the blazing wreck,
noting the absence of brake marks. (skid marks?)
Oblivious the traffic moves on. (comma after 'Oblivious' and would they be? Where I live, everyone slows and rubbernecks)

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: Living in the fast lane

Judo

Thats the trouble with this poem. It is not really about an accident on the road. It is about a particular way of life many young people like to follow nowadays. Mostly everyone who reads it misses my point, why?

By co-travellers I mean family friends colleagues etc. Most of what you have suggested makes sense to me, but will you please read the poem again? It is about running away from the past, living the life for now, not worrying about the future, not caring or listening to the family and friends.

It seems all that gets lost somehow.

Zhuk

 

[JUDO]

You're using an analogy with no reference, that is why it gets lost. All of my suggestions work towards the clarity of your imagery, so they still stand on second reading.

If you want the speeding down the highway imagery to reflect on the attitude of an egocentric existence, then you need to throw in other imagery which will take the reader away from the highway and into living life with no qualms about what happens to others. Obviously, you have seen or experienced such a life. What are the scenes, the moments, the images? Use them.


- Judo

 

[Zhuk]

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[JUDO]

Z -

I get you about 'smashed,' but that particular word used in the context is also misleading. It is a double-entendré, perhaps leading your read down a path you don't wish them to go down. Can you use another word, other than 'smashed?'

blitzed, high, flying high, buzzed, fuzzy, silly with, etc.


- Judo

 

[Zhuk]

Judo,

Thank you for all your suggestions for this poem.

'smashed' is a double-entendré on purpose, but let me think about it a bit more. Maybe someone else can give a third or fourth opinion?

Z -

I get you about 'smashed,' but that particular word used in the context is also misleading. It is a double-entendré, perhaps leading your read down a path you don't wish them to go down. Can you use another word, other than 'smashed?'

blitzed, high, flying high, buzzed, fuzzy, silly with, etc.


- Judo

 

[Zhuk]

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[dragonhearted]

Re: Accepted by Life

Accepted by Life

Swim against the current,
struggle on every stroke.
A race against time,
too late to revoke.

Mad scramble for all,
chosen few reach the gate,
fighting to breach the wall
to find their waiting mate.

I win in a zygotic merge
to attain my karmic goal,
igniting the spark of life
to produce a living soul.

Now I prosper and grow,
preparing to face the world,
feeding in a cocoon of love,
well protected and curled.

Ejected by love,
Accepted by life.

I like it! Nice job!

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: Accepted by Life

Thank you Dragonhearted for your encouragement. You are the lone member of my fan club!

Regards

I like it! Nice job!

 

[_Land]

Re: Re: Re: Accepted by Life

Zhuk you shouldnt be so silly have you looked at the views on this thread..... we all come read what you write, if we didnt, there would be no views! Your style is different then mine, but i enjoy what your view is of the world you live in. One of the best things about this boards is that we represent several nations and even with in some of those nations very different culures and views.
You have many fans, and we all watch to see what you will write next.


_N

Thank you Dragonhearted for your encouragement. You are the lone member of my fan club!

Regards

 

[Zhuk]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Accepted by Life

Land,

Wishing you a happy birthday! You just turned 29 and me 39.

I am not being silly, I am being clever and sneaky. This is subtle or not so subtle manipulation to get what you want. By the time you are my age and seen what I have, then you will understand the finer points of such things.

I didnt give 'views' much of a look earlier, but now that you mentioned it, I notice your thread has more views! Therefore by your own theory your fan club (+1 Beth's virtue) is bigger than mine, and I certainly dont like that!

But I do thank you for reading my stuff and I give you honorary membership of Zhuk Fan Club.

Zhuk Fan Club membership list:

1. Dragonhearted
2. Star at Sunrise
3. _Land

Zhuk you shouldnt be so silly have you looked at the views on this thread..... we all come read what you write, if we didnt, there would be no views! Your style is different then mine, but i enjoy what your view is of the world you live in. One of the best things about this boards is that we represent several nations and even with in some of those nations very different culures and views.
You have many fans, and we all watch to see what you will write next.


_N

 

[Zhuk]

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[REDWAVE]

Hi, Zhuk!

This looks like a good place for me to jump in. I like the message of this poem, but I'm not so crazy about the way you express it. In general, I prefer non-rhyming verse (free or blank), but I use rhyme sometimes myself, and there are plenty of good rhyming poems too. You handle the aabba rhyme scheme well overall, but some of the lines seem contrived and forced to me. Examples: "never a good person you have been"; "and yet from hard work you shirk." In my opinion (and it's just my opinion), inverted word order such as that is artificial (no one talks that way) and should be avoided. Unfortunately, I don't have any specific suggestions on how to fix those two lines, but I suggest you might want to work on them some more.

Hope that helps.

 

[Zhuk]

Hi REDWAVE

REDWAVE,

Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. Actually because I wanted to write a funny poem, I decided to use the Limerick rhyming scheme.

You are right about the two lines you mention and I will revise them as soon as I can think of better ones.

Regards,

This looks like a good place for me to jump in. I like the message of this poem, but I'm not so crazy about the way you express it. In general, I prefer non-rhyming verse (free or blank), but I use rhyme sometimes myself, and there are plenty of good rhyming poems too. You handle the aabba rhyme scheme well overall, but some of the lines seem contrived and forced to me. Examples: "never a good person you have been"; "and yet from hard work you shirk." In my opinion (and it's just my opinion), inverted word order such as that is artificial (no one talks that way) and should be avoided. Unfortunately, I don't have any specific suggestions on how to fix those two lines, but I suggest you might want to work on them some more.

Hope that helps.