I tried to bring back the Kink with my wife. She didn't respond so well. What do you think?

[KatieDoes]

Connecting and communication is key, putting her needs first. Women, my wife included, look for VERY different things to feel sexy. Unfortunately, my wife wouldn't/couldn't express to me what that was - earlier in our marriage. I finally got it through my thick skull that it was the little things - not related to sex - that brought her closer to me. It took a LOT of practice to eventually build trust which opened up more, grew closer, better sex etc

This is good advice.

The best way to help a woman feel safe enough to let her freak flag fly with you in bed is to ensure that she feels safe, (emotionally safe, not just physically) valued, and heard in the relationship outside of bed.

If she doesn’t feel like she can be open and honest when it comes to things that don’t benefit your dick, she will NEVER be open and honest with you about the things that will.

 

[NancyPan]

I love much of the advice you have received. Your post, and your attitude in general about sex with your wife, comes off as rather selfish. Focus on her, cherishing her, loving her in and out of the bedroom. Ask what you can do to help her feel more satisfied and fulfilled. Be willing to put yourself second with the confidence that if she is feeling loved, safe, and fulfilled, she will want to give you what you want. Yup Vegas story: Accept that she never wanted to do it. Learn from it.

 

[joefelton]

We've been happily married for 43 years, and we're both in our 70's. Yeah, things do change over time. My wife says she doesn't think about sex, and she does not masturbate, though she will put on a show for me if I ask politely. Since we got married I think she's had three orgasms. I've asked her numerous times to tell me about her fantasies and what she wants me to do for her sexually, she claims there is nothing she wants. She says she's fine with our sex lives. BTW, I am not complaining, we have "date night" every Saturday. She dominates me in bed and ball busts me (slap, kick, punch, squeezing and stretching my balls). None of this would have happened if I didn't talk to her and share what I want her to do to me. I started wearing panties about ten years ago, and that's when I became more honest with her about my needs. it's made a huge difference! And...I treat her like a queen all fucking week!

 

[Jw75766]

I love much of the advice you have received. Your post, and your attitude in general about sex with your wife, comes off as rather selfish. Focus on her, cherishing her, loving her in and out of the bedroom. Ask what you can do to help her feel more satisfied and fulfilled. Be willing to put yourself second with the confidence that if she is feeling loved, safe, and fulfilled, she will want to give you what you want. Yup Vegas story: Accept that she never wanted to do it. Learn from it.

The best feeling I get during sex is watching the pleasure I give my wife. I know I can get me off at any time. Getting her off multiple times is a challenge I make for myself any time she's not in the mood for *just a quickie*. Make your lover feel like he/she is the only thing in the world that matters to you. Strong emotional connections make for very intense sexual encounters.

 

[14ALL]

Getting marriage advice on the internet is baaaaaaad news. That’s my core advice. No one here knows what you or your wife are really going through, or what a healthy version of your relationship really looks like.

If what you’re going through is a big deal to you… you should talk to her and get professional counseling. If it’s not a big deal, Let it go. People change… that’s life. What I would recommend to you and ANYONE else in a marriage, (and it’s been said in this thread already) for those who actually WANT to stay in the marriage:

Earn your relationship with your partner every day and never take it for granted. Little things tell your partner what you think of them… Those little things add up to big things. Simple example, do you deliberately fart in front of your boss? Do you do deliberately fart in front of your wife/husband? If there’s a disparity there, it tells you who you respect more. Your partner should be the person you hold in the highest regard. If you wouldn’t yell at a stranger, don’t yell at your partner… etc. etc. etc…. Your partner should be seeing the best version of you as much as you can possibly present it.

That said… if you feel like you’re earning it and you feel like your partners efforts are too far out of balance (given what you’ll tolerate)… well… then you’ve got some things to think about. Sometimes the grass is actually greener. Life’s too short, you know? Just my opinion.

 

[StrongMaster7]

Here's my two cents on the big picture here.

If you are a man married to a woman and you want more or different sex than your wife does, you have to make some decisions and really understand how much you care about sex and how much you define yourself by the sex you have. I think it's a VERY common condition.

Here's how I 'solved' the equation.
1. I love my wife.
2. I don't want to leave her or have her leave me.
3. The limited menu sex we have for 10-20 minutes once a week is great.
4. Apart from sex, I have a full life that I would not want to have destroyed over sex.
5. As I have since I was 14, I masturbate to porn to relieve my excess sexual energy.
6. I also meditate, pray, and exercise.

Good luck solving yours. Like everything else in life, it's imperfect. If it helps, there are always many people worse off than we are. Be thankful. Peace.

 

[PoetM]

Getting marriage advice on the internet is baaaaaaad news. That’s my core advice. No one here knows what you or your wife are really going through, or what a healthy version of your relationship really looks like.

If what you’re going through is a big deal to you… you should talk to her and get professional counseling. If it’s not a big deal, Let it go. People change… that’s life. What I would recommend to you and ANYONE else in a marriage, (and it’s been said in this thread already) for those who actually WANT to stay in the marriage:

Earn your relationship with your partner every day and never take it for granted. Little things tell your partner what you think of them… Those little things add up to big things. Simple example, do you deliberately fart in front of your boss? Do you do deliberately fart in front of your wife/husband? If there’s a disparity there, it tells you who you respect more. Your partner should be the person you hold in the highest regard. If you wouldn’t yell at a stranger, don’t yell at your partner… etc. etc. etc…. Your partner should be seeing the best version of you as much as you can possibly present it.

That said… if you feel like you’re earning it and you feel like your partners efforts are too far out of balance (given what you’ll tolerate)… well… then you’ve got some things to think about. Sometimes the grass is actually greener. Life’s too short, you know? Just my opinion.

It's humorous that you start by saying how bad it is to take advice from people on the internet and then proceed to give advice lol. So based on your first sentence the reader should stop reading any more of your post ;P If you read above ppl have suggested same as you have said. Also, just because you read someone's suggestions doesn't mean you have to apply that advice.

 

[TonyF862]

Getting marriage advice on the internet is baaaaaaad news. That’s my core advice. No one here knows what you or your wife are really going through, or what a healthy version of your relationship really looks like.

If what you’re going through is a big deal to you… you should talk to her and get professional counseling. If it’s not a big deal, Let it go. People change… that’s life. What I would recommend to you and ANYONE else in a marriage, (and it’s been said in this thread already) for those who actually WANT to stay in the marriage:

Earn your relationship with your partner every day and never take it for granted. Little things tell your partner what you think of them… Those little things add up to big things. Simple example, do you deliberately fart in front of your boss? Do you do deliberately fart in front of your wife/husband? If there’s a disparity there, it tells you who you respect more. Your partner should be the person you hold in the highest regard. If you wouldn’t yell at a stranger, don’t yell at your partner… etc. etc. etc…. Your partner should be seeing the best version of you as much as you can possibly present it.

That said… if you feel like you’re earning it and you feel like your partners efforts are too far out of balance (given what you’ll tolerate)… well… then you’ve got some things to think about. Sometimes the grass is actually greener. Life’s too short, you know? Just my opinion.

I LOVE that you poo poo internet advice then go on for three paragraphs with advice LOL

 

[14ALL]

I know, and I agree…. It occurred to me, too…. I almost didn’t post because of it… but still…. Sorry people.

I’ll delete it if you all think it’s too shitty.

 

[PoetM]

I know, and I agree…. It occurred to me, too…. I almost didn’t post because of it… but still…. Sorry people.

I’ll delete it if you all think it’s too shitty.

Nahh...it's all good man....

 

[TonyF862]

I know, and I agree…. It occurred to me, too…. I almost didn’t post because of it… but still…. Sorry people.

I’ll delete it if you all think it’s too shitty.

not at all....just wanted to point out the irony.

 

[LookN2Talk]

You all make posting fun. And hopefully people can learn from other's experiences. I know I'd be very challenged to discuss things in the details in person about what we talk about here. Great community!

 

[Britva415]

I know, and I agree…. It occurred to me, too…. I almost didn’t post because of it… but still…. Sorry people.

I’ll delete it if you all think it’s too shitty.

It’s OK. Taking advice from strangers on the internet is risky for the person receiving it.

Giving advice is a thing people do, with varying amounts of competence and good faith.

There’s nothing wrong with doing it in good faith and with decently relevant experience.

It’s at the other person’s risk, but that doesn’t mean you have to have some kind of a board-certified license to offer it.

 

[Sweetdreams71]

Just because you read something in the internet doesn't make it truth!
People just use your common sense, and if you don't agree with it, use your brain, and don't do it.
Your friend may have a poly relationship, but it doesn't mean it will work for you, and they don't need your lecture about it either if you don't agree.
But if you do happen to read something, and it resonates with you, it may actually help you.
So people write what you want as long as it's not hate, and the readers can decide for themselves

 

[Noor]

My wife and I have a fairly active sex life, once or twice a week. Nothing crazy sexual beyond missionary, her on top or me from behind. It's second marriage for us both and her first husband was not very sexual. I've gotten her to open up a lot about her fantasies of being with other men (double penetration) and being with a women. She absolutely explodes when I tell her stories while we are having sex. However, she will not talk about it unless in the bed or she's had a few glasses of wine. She travels every few months and recently was in Vegas for a conference. When we were having sex before she left town I told her I had an idea for a super fun sexy game. While she was out of town, I wanted her to look for a man she'd like to fuck or a woman she'd like to be with. Then, when she was back at her hotel pleasure herself thinking about him/or and tell me all about it. She's masterbated on the phone with me before so it's nothing new. She promised me "while we were in bed" that she'd do it and would be fun. She leaves town the next day for a five day conference. She doesn't bring it up again so I remind her of our fun game. She agrees to keep an eye out, then noting. Didn't bring it up again the entire time. When she was in the airport coming home I asked her how come she didn't go through with it. Her response was to blow it off an not address it. Fast forward a few days later and I asked her if we can bring some toys back in the bedroom, like we used to do just after getting married. I used to fuck her with a XL dildo and she pretended she was fucking another guy while I watched her. She literally would squirt every time we used it, but then she lost interest. A few days after she got home from the conference I went to the Hustler Store and picked up some fun toys and a large dildo, though not quite as large as the last one she used. Days went by with out her wanting me to break them out. I told her I'd really like to play with her with the toys. She got angry ,combative and told me I was clearly not happy with her in the bedroom. I explained that was totally not the case and loved her, her body and being with her. I told her I thought it would be super sexy, fun and she knew it was something that I liked. Plus, she used to play with toys. As a side note, when we first got married she would film herself with the dildo and text it to me at work. It would drive me crazy. All that has stopped, except the normal sex, normal positions on her terms. Her response made me feel guilty and a bit dirty. I don't know why she would all of a sudden change and not be the same person in the bed. One of my college buddies told me I should just be happy because my wife is fucking me.

I would really appreciate hearing what y'all t think especially the ladies. Thanks!

When someone is backing away sexually, wait until they come back, don’t go out and buy sex toys.
You are imposing your fantasy on her, it might have been fun to share it with you when she was with you but not otherwise.

 

[Noor]

My wife and I have a fairly active sex life, once or twice a week. Nothing crazy sexual beyond missionary, her on top or me from behind. It's second marriage for us both and her first husband was not very sexual. I've gotten her to open up a lot about her fantasies of being with other men (double penetration) and being with a women. She absolutely explodes when I tell her stories while we are having sex. However, she will not talk about it unless in the bed or she's had a few glasses of wine. She travels every few months and recently was in Vegas for a conference. When we were having sex before she left town I told her I had an idea for a super fun sexy game. While she was out of town, I wanted her to look for a man she'd like to fuck or a woman she'd like to be with. Then, when she was back at her hotel pleasure herself thinking about him/or and tell me all about it. She's masterbated on the phone with me before so it's nothing new. She promised me "while we were in bed" that she'd do it and would be fun. She leaves town the next day for a five day conference. She doesn't bring it up again so I remind her of our fun game. She agrees to keep an eye out, then noting. Didn't bring it up again the entire time. When she was in the airport coming home I asked her how come she didn't go through with it. Her response was to blow it off an not address it. Fast forward a few days later and I asked her if we can bring some toys back in the bedroom, like we used to do just after getting married. I used to fuck her with a XL dildo and she pretended she was fucking another guy while I watched her. She literally would squirt every time we used it, but then she lost interest. A few days after she got home from the conference I went to the Hustler Store and picked up some fun toys and a large dildo, though not quite as large as the last one she used. Days went by with out her wanting me to break them out. I told her I'd really like to play with her with the toys. She got angry ,combative and told me I was clearly not happy with her in the bedroom. I explained that was totally not the case and loved her, her body and being with her. I told her I thought it would be super sexy, fun and she knew it was something that I liked. Plus, she used to play with toys. As a side note, when we first got married she would film herself with the dildo and text it to me at work. It would drive me crazy. All that has stopped, except the normal sex, normal positions on her terms. Her response made me feel guilty and a bit dirty. I don't know why she would all of a sudden change and not be the same person in the bed. One of my college buddies told me I should just be happy because my wife is fucking me.

I would really appreciate hearing what y'all t think especially the ladies. Thanks!

Also things your wife did of her volition lije sending you video and stuff, that’s fun for her, not her doing because you are asking because you’d like it.
In your above post you said things like you thought it would be Xx and you’d liked, and you like her to do x for you ,
“ I thought it would be super sexy, fun and she knew it was something that I liked.” <-who exactly is this for? It’s not for her benefit, it’s for yours.
When you asked about bring these toys back, what was her response? What it an enthusiastic “ oh yes, get me an x and some of those vibrating anal beads or was it more a “uh huh, that will be nice” while she’s trying to concentrate on something else?
If you’re not careful she’ll go off you completely.

 

[Mike302]

I know, and I agree…. It occurred to me, too…. I almost didn’t post because of it… but still…. Sorry people.

I’ll delete it if you all think it’s too shitty.

Nah, you're good! Levity is good, too!

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Ah, the age old story of man meets woman, woman lures man into marriage with sex being her biggest strategy and then it goes down hill after you put a ring on her finger.
Not many women that I have encountered have a mans attitude obout sexuality and sex.

Mine it can be work, stress, kids, parents, bills, body image, take your pick of a bazillion things.

Most what I read in the responses are true but so frustrating that part of our job as a man is to be a constant cheerleader for our wives so we can get laid.
The part they don't get is day by day life slips by with no guarantees tomorrow will come and with tomorrow will a hard dick come with it or will some medical issue put an end to your sexlife that was wasted away for in our minds bullshit reasons.

I find my wife at 125 lbs sexy or 170 kbs sexy but she definitely doesn't so there is the beginning of the female mindset I am not perfect so sex can't happen.

You have a few options, settle for what you get, go elsewhere on the downlow, talk to her about an open marriage so you can have what you want.

All but the first one most likely will lead to separation or divorce you decide.

 

[LMWM321]

I find my wife at 125 lbs sexy or 170 kbs sexy but she definitely doesn't so there is the beginning of the female mindset I am not perfect so sex can't happen.

You have a few options, settle for what you get, go elsewhere on the downlow, talk to her about an open marriage so you can have what you want.

Maybe it's not sex that she has grown bored with... ...Maybe it's you! And maybe it's not your fault, or hers - maybe it's simply inevitable.

In many relationships the Man's baseline libido is SO much higher than the woman's at the outset, that even after the 2000th time of having sex, the man is still sufficiently attracted to her even if familiarity and lack of newness has reduced his interest by half. But maybe that's not true for her. Perhaps the same reduction of her original sexual interest in you may have pushed her horniness into the "Nah.. I'll pass..." zone. And it's not her fault and it's not a sleight against you (though I'm sure that's hard to accept).

Put another way: Her libido may be naturally so much lower that she may need the newness of a different partner once in a while to keep her pilot light from going completely out. As I've argued elsewhere, I think woman need sexual variety more than men even though their libidos may often be much lower.

The solution? Maybe encourage her to have occasional NSA sex with other men. ..But with utmost transparency, honesty, and abiding of whatever rules you agree upon to protect your marriage. And DON'T make getting the same permission in return a requirement. After all, she may need this remedy and you may not. Again, it's she who is no longer interested in sex, not you.

So what's in it for you? Well.... A rising tide raises all ships. Meaning, allowing her to have sex with other men could well raise her overall interest in sex, which could mean her sexual interest in YOU as well.

Obviously, this requires a relationship to be on very very solid footing. You need to be convinced that your relationship is strong enough that her having sex with other men won't damage the union. Admittedly, such marriages are more the exception than the rule.

I can already hear some guys saying, "Hell no! I don't want other men having sex with my wife!" ..To which I'd say, "Well, you're not having sex with her either, so how is that better?"

 

[9to5]

We've been happily married for 43 years, and we're both in our 70's. Yeah, things do change over time. My wife says she doesn't think about sex, and she does not masturbate, though she will put on a show for me if I ask politely. Since we got married I think she's had three orgasms. I've asked her numerous times to tell me about her fantasies and what she wants me to do for her sexually, she claims there is nothing she wants. She says she's fine with our sex lives. BTW, I am not complaining, we have "date night" every Saturday. She dominates me in bed and ball busts me (slap, kick, punch, squeezing and stretching my balls). None of this would have happened if I didn't talk to her and share what I want her to do to me. I started wearing panties about ten years ago, and that's when I became more honest with her about my needs. it's made a huge difference! And...I treat her like a queen all fucking week!

Wow that sounds exactly like my wife and me. we are the same. age and what we do. I get great hand jobs but wish I would get a slap on the balls now and then

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Maybe it's not sex that she has grown bored with... ...Maybe it's you! And maybe it's not your fault, maybe it's inevitable.

In many relationships the Man's baseline libido is SO much higher than the woman's at the outset, that even after the 2000th time of having sex, the man is still highly sexually interested in her despite whatever toll familiarity and lack of newness may have taken. ..But maybe that's not true for her. Perhaps these same reductions of her original amount of sexual interest in you may have pushed her horniness into the "Nah.. I'll pass..." zone. And it's not her fault and it's not a sleight against you (though I'm sure that's hard to accept).

Her libido may be naturally so much lower that she may need the newness of a different partner once in a while to keep her pilot light from going completely out.

The solution? Maybe encourage her to have occasional NSA sex with other men. ..But with utmost transparency, honesty, and abiding of whatever rules you agree upon to protect your marriage. And DON'T make getting the same permission a requirement. After all, she may need this remedy and you may not. Again, it's she who is no longer interested in sex, not you.

So what's in it for you? Well.... A rising tide raises all ships. Meaning, allowing her to have sex with other men could well raise her overall interest in sex, which could mean her sexual interest in YOU as well.

Obviously, this requires a relationship to be on very very solid footing. You need to be convinced that your relationship is strong enough that her having sex with other men won't damage the union. Admittedly, such marriages are more the exception than the rule.

I can already hear some guys saying, "Hell no! I don't want other men having sex with my wife!" ..To which I'd say, "Well, you're not having sex with her either, so how's that better?"

I always find it interesting that the response is let your wife do whatever she wants but you should stay home and be loyal and ready if you are lucky she will want sex lol.

Open marriage seems like the equitable thing to do.
Why do people feel like men owe their life to their partner but not the other way around?

If she is bored in the relationship in my eyes just say so and let's move on but we all know the security of the relationship is the reason they won't.
We both know many women later in life that can't find what they had or want and remain alone many by choice.

 

[LMWM321]

I always find it interesting that the response is let your wife do whatever she wants but you should stay home and be loyal and ready if you are lucky she will want sex lol.

Open marriage seems like the equitable thing to do.
Why do people feel like men owe their life to their partner but not the other way around?

yeah, definitely don't take my advice. It's quite clear you don't have the right mindset for it. Opening your marriage as I described would likely be disastrous.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I always find it interesting that the response is let your wife do whatever she wants but you should stay home and be loyal and ready if you are lucky she will want sex lol.

Open marriage seems like the equitable thing to do.
Why do people feel like men owe their life to their partner but not the other way around?

If she is bored in the relationship in my eyes just say so and let's move on but we all know the security of the relationship is the reason they won't.
We both know many women later in life that can't find what they had or want and remain alone many by choice.

Agreed. They've always had the choice to do this for generations.

Only rich men can do the same.

We all have different criteria for sex and who we're interested in. That's okay. I think the reason men are angry about it is because they're paying for the woman's choices while she fucks around for no reason. Let them make their Choices and have STDs or fifty kids. Same as they insist men should pay up for the kids they make or plan B. Both are understandable.

Its not insecurity or being controlling. If that's the case, it's insecure and controlling to tell a monogamous rich guy to spend what he has on one woman. It's not the 1800s.

I've never seen anyone objecting when a rich woman says she'll have a harem of younger men servicing her. Queens like Wu Zhao/Chao did this centuries ago. If it's wrong for rich men to do, it's wrong for rich women to do it.

I don't agree with it at all. I'd never want to be part of a rich man or woman's harem at all. Unless I can have my own freedom to fuck or be fucked by anyone and everyone else, I don't need to service them.

 

[Mike302]

If the relationship is otherwise great, the man is getting his needs met but she isn't, it's better she get them met and come home happy then wrecking the entire relationship over it. JMHO.

 

[LMWM321]

We all have different criteria for sex and who we're interested in. That's okay. I think the reason men are angry about it is because they're paying for the woman's choices while she fucks around for no reason. Let them make their Choices and have STDs or fifty kids. Same as they insist men should pay up for the kids they make or plan B. Both are understandable.

please restate this. I have absolutely NO idea what you're trying to say here.