Getting a female perspective on approaching

[finaljustice_20]

This should end up being an interesting post. I've got a question for the women out there. It deals with approaching women whether it's in a bar, club, school, grocery store, etc.

I know there are dozens of ways to approach a woman. You can ask an opinionated question, and have it lead into some kind of conversation. You can be "curious" about her (interested in getting to know her more), make small talk, there's dozens of ways to start up conversations with women. I know the key to a good interaction is for it to be overall a fun convo, be yourself and not to look to get anything out of it (i.e. sex or becoming her boyfriend after a five minute conversation).

I am big on psychology/philosophy.. I'm also always eager to learn more about the female mind, as I've done a lot of reading about female behavior. So I'm curious as to how females would prefer to be approached in a social setting. Let's say a guy that has a pretty good understanding of women sees a woman he'd like to talk to. What do you think, as a woman, would be the best way to do so?

 

[emap]

Well usually a hi works quite well.

I don't get why guys always seem to think it is so hard to talk to a woman.

We are people just like you after all. We don't want you to come up and give us a secret handshake or something. We have reasons to be where we are just like you, sometimes that means we want to meet a man and other times we want to kill men. Which is roughly the exact same reasons men are at the same place. We are not some mystical unfathomable creature. We do on occasion like to be treated like a goddess though. Men wish to be treated like a god too so don't think that is weird.

There is no way to understand women in general because we are all different. Best to just stop thinking you do and simply get on with talking to women like they are a person and not a sex object or whatever.

Course now I shall do the same thing. Why do men always feel the need to say first in forums when they are the first person to post something in a new thread? I don't see it in here but game forums especially you see alot of first!!!!!!!!! and a few second!!!!!!!!!! What the hell is up with that?

 

[pellso27]

ask them if you can barrow some money, it works for me!

 

[finaljustice_20]

With all the views and little replies I was figuring this was going to be a dud.

I'll agree that one of the biggest problems guys have with women is that they objectify women too much, usually just as a sex object rather then a human being. Usually this causes the woman to be put on a pedestal they don't deserve to be on.

Throughout my teen years (I'm 21 now) I was a shy guy, but have overcame that for the most part. I can still have a bit of trouble walking up to a random female and starting a convo.. so I'm trying to figure out the best way to fix that.

 

[Maxell46]

Woman are just people.As someone said above they are not these "mystical" creatures.
Different than us males?
Thank God yes!!!
Easily understood?
No way! I'll never understand them ...and they will never understand us.But that's OK.The differance is fine and as long as you find friends & partners who understand that there actually is a differance your OK.
Its the misguided types who think us males should think like them.It just doesn't work that way!
Venus vs Mars? Absolutely!
Accept the differances and seek out the opposite sex who understands there is alot of differances between us.
As I've aged I find myself gravitating more toward female friendships.I enjoy a womans perspective and they are a much gentler and understanding,nurturing and overall nicer sex than us males.

Look them in the eyes when your talking! Do NOT ogle their breasts or look them up and down.( check em out....but be discreet about it!!!)
Be yourself and treat them with respect.They are someones Mom,daughter,sister,wife...
They are humans and not to be feared
Keep the dumbass sexists remarks to yourself.
Same goes for you slobs that wolfwhistle and say stupid crap to a female as she walks by.
Don't be so lame!No one has ever met a woman with that suave technique
Be nice!

Not all woman like men.They tolerarate us and go thru the motions of dating and being in a relationship but beneath it all they dislike,distrust and dispise men.Realize that and it will go a long way toward dealing with them.
I have zero tolerance for the man haters.I can sense them a mile away and I gravitate toward woman who truly enjoy men.

And not all men like woman.It goes both ways...
I see alot of guys who look down at females and have a total disrespect for them.

There is no one answer.Every person is diferent and each situation unique.
Relax and be yourself.

* I realize you asked for a female perspective...
obvously I'm not female but I felt the need to add my two cents.
I don't post much these days but felt I could add a few good thouhts to this thread

 

[RUbensBeautY]

With all the views and little replies I was figuring this was going to be a dud.

I'll agree that one of the biggest problems guys have with women is that they objectify women too much, usually just as a sex object rather then a human being. Usually this causes the woman to be put on a pedestal they don't deserve to be on.

Throughout my teen years (I'm 21 now) I was a shy guy, but have overcame that for the most part. I can still have a bit of trouble walking up to a random female and starting a convo.. so I'm trying to figure out the best way to fix that.

Now that sounds more sincere. There is nothing wrong with saying it straight forward instead of mystifying the question at hand into some obscure theoretical private research project.

 

[helix27]

What do you think, as a woman, would be the best way to do so?

Say hello?

I know there are dozens of ways to approach a woman. You can ask an opinionated question, and have it lead into some kind of conversation. You can be "curious" about her (interested in getting to know her more), make small talk, there's dozens of ways to start up conversations with women. I know the key to a good interaction is for it to be overall a fun convo, be yourself and not to look to get anything out of it (i.e. sex or becoming her boyfriend after a five minute conversation).

I'm not a woman but it sounds to me like you have a good idea already. One thing that I can add is eye contact. Make eye contact and keep eye contact. Shows that you are actually listening. Which is a good thing. Also its just like anything else that you may be nervous doing. The more you do the easier it SHOULD become.

 

[SweetErika]

With all the views and little replies I was figuring this was going to be a dud.

I'll agree that one of the biggest problems guys have with women is that they objectify women too much, usually just as a sex object rather then a human being. Usually this causes the woman to be put on a pedestal they don't deserve to be on.

Throughout my teen years (I'm 21 now) I was a shy guy, but have overcame that for the most part. I can still have a bit of trouble walking up to a random female and starting a convo.. so I'm trying to figure out the best way to fix that.

I don't know if I agree with that bold part in general. It may be true in some cases, but how relevant is a woman's worth to objectifying women?

More than putting women on a pedestal they may or may not deserve to be on, I think objectifying women comes off as really creepy most of the time. The men I've met who do this on a regular basis tend to get frustrated and even crazy when things don't go the way they do in their head, or think they ought to. For example, if a guy wants sex or a date or even to get to know a woman he sees in a store better, and she doesn't respond to his advances, he'll often get huffy, insult her then or later (in his head or to his friends), blame her instead of looking at the possibility he/his approach was flawed, etc.

In contrast, men who see women as individual people will generally respond to that kind of situation with a lot more grace, dignity, have a positive, realistic view about it and evaluate their approach honestly in hopes of getting a different result next time.

As for the original question, I like men who approach me well aware of the fact that I'm likely to be apprehensive and cautious in my dealings with them at first. I like them to be confident in their ability to talk to regular people like me, sensitive and able to respond to my reactions. If I'm a little cold or standoffish at first, I don't usually mind if they persist GENTLY until I either warm up or remove myself from the interaction. I like them to be friendly, as if they're talking to any woman or man, make eye contact (but not stare into my eyes or hold it constantly, as that can give me the creeps) and smile when they feel the need to.

GENUINELY asking me for help/advice when they notice I seem to know what I'm doing, or taking an actual interest in something they truly like (e.g. asking what perfume I'm wearing because they enjoy it or asking about something I'm doing because they're interested in learning about it), can be a good approach with me.

If the conversation moves beyond that initial contact, they need to be active participants, asking and answering questions, listening well and having a positive, but realistic, attitude in general. I've met a lot of guys who completely fail on this count: they let me do most/all of the questioning, don't give thoughtful or honest answers, talk about themselves ad nauseum, are negative or unrealistic, have ulterior motives or don't listen to the point that they'll end up asking the same question or I have to repeat myself time and time again.

I mention "genuine" and the like a lot because, like many women, I have an excellent bullshit detector. When it goes off or I just have a bad feeling, I put myself on guard; if it doesn't because the person is being themselves and honest, I'm likely to move past my initial apprehension and be a lot more receptive to the interaction.

 

[tommynova2001]

Your approach should be genuine..

that way it SOUNDS genuine. Your goal is to get a smile, or better a laugh. anything less than a full smile including the eyes, and like Boomhauer you might as well move on to the next one.

 

[mjl2010]

<snipped> We are not some mystical unfathomable creature.

Yes you are. In a lovely, mystical unfathomable way.

MJL

 

[finaljustice_20]

To the guys the posted, thanks for your input as you have experience doing this.

I've been doing some thinking about the matter and one of the main things I've came up with is this. If I am talking a woman, wherever it might be, if the interation is dieing, I'm having to struggle to keep it going.. that I think it would just be a waste of time to continue it if I'm having to do all the work to keep it going. I think if this is happening it would be best to just end it and move on.

Does anyone else agree with this?

 

[Cathleen]

I truly don't want to come off as patronizing but I'm afraid I might. I do not mean to offend in any way I just want to respond honestly and genuinely.

I want to get this out of the quickly -- you're 21, that's young. There is much to come, be patient, be open to learning about yourself first and be nice. Don't be in a rush, the coming decade will be full of excitement and change. Let things settle a bit from time to time.

In all honesty when I read your initial post what made me go 'eek' was that you state you've read a lot about female behavior. I don't know who wrote the books but we cannot be contained in a book. We're way, way more that anything you've read. We're also way, way less that what you've read. We are -- that's all -- we just are. Each different, yes there are common traits to each of the sexes but when it comes to interacting with a female just remember you are talking with that one female. Don't limit her, type her or assume anything about her. Just talk and be yourself -- let her be herself too.

While making eye contact is important in any conversation I'd get 'weirded out' if you stare at me too long. Nods, a quiet 'uh huh', a smile as an acknowledment -- those are good too. I think Erika mentioned active participation so not dominating or interupting the conversation -- let it flow naturally. If I feel as if someone is 'taking notes' about me then I'm gone in a heartbeat. Just talk, listen and share - being your most genuine self.

I think people see me as unapproachable but that couldn't be further from the truth - as I see it. I talk to everyone about anything and everything, I'm very friendly. If you wanted to strike up a conversation with me you're best bet is to be humorous, genuine as well as friendly. But you better be quick or else I'll be talking with you first! ; )

The differences between men and women are absolutely wonderful. As Maxwell say "Thank God". Someone made sure that no matter how much we don't understand each other we do match rather well. (No dig to bi or homosexual people.)

 

[SweetErika]

I truly don't want to come off as patronizing but I'm afraid I might. I do not mean to offend in any way I just want to respond honestly and genuinely.

I want to get this out of the quickly -- you're 21, that's young. There is much to come, be patient, be open to learning about yourself first and be nice. Don't be in a rush, the coming decade will be full of excitement and change. Let things settle a bit from time to time.

In all honesty when I read your initial post what made me go 'eek' was that you state you've read a lot about female behavior. I don't know who wrote the books but we cannot be contained in a book. We're way, way more that anything you've read. We're also way, way less that what you've read. We are -- that's all -- we just are. Each different, yes there are common traits to each of the sexes but when it comes to interacting with a female just remember you are talking with that one female. Don't limit her, type her or assume anything about her. Just talk and be yourself -- let her be herself too.

While making eye contact is important in any conversation I'd get 'weirded out' if you stare at me too long. Nods, a quiet 'uh huh', a smile as an acknowledment -- those are good too. I think Erika mentioned active participation so not dominating or interupting the conversation -- let it flow naturally. If I feel as if someone is 'taking notes' about me then I'm gone in a heartbeat. Just talk, listen and share - being your most genuine self.

I think people see me as unapproachable but that couldn't be further from the truth - as I see it. I talk to everyone about anything and everything, I'm very friendly. If you wanted to strike up a conversation with me you're best bet is to be humorous, genuine as well as friendly. But you better be quick or else I'll be talking with you first! ; )

The differences between men and women are absolutely wonderful. As Maxwell say "Thank God". Someone made sure that no matter how much we don't understand each other we do match rather well. (No dig to bi or homosexual people.)

This whole thing bears repeating.

Wow... What a fantastic post, Cate. (And that's an understatement!)

Your intelligence, insight, wisdom and compassion just never cease to amaze me.

 

[finaljustice_20]

In all honesty when I read your initial post what made me go 'eek' was that you state you've read a lot about female behavior. I don't know who wrote the books but we cannot be contained in a book. We're way, way more that anything you've read. We're also way, way less that what you've read. We are -- that's all -- we just are. Each different, yes there are common traits to each of the sexes but when it comes to interacting with a female just remember you are talking with that one female. Don't limit her, type her or assume anything about her. Just talk and be yourself -- let her be herself too.

I'll agree that every woman is different, likes different things, etc. but when I talk about female behavior, I am talking mostly along the lines of how female attraction works. It's not like a light switch like it can be for a lot of guys, and most importantly, attraction isn't a choice. Just because a guy is kind and sweet you don't go "OK, this is a nice guy and I'm going to become attracted to him now".. it just happens.

A year ago I was completely lost with women, I did not "get it", I didn't understand anything about them. So I figured out the best way to improve that was to learn about them, what works, what doesn't, what they like, don't like.. and most importantly, how I can make myself more attractive. I'm not talking about just looks, but also your attitude, personality.. the whole package. Since then my success rate has pretty much improved 100%.

It might still "erk" you that I've gone out of my way to learn more about women, but I thought I'd atleast give a bit more detail to it.

 

[finaljustice_20]

Whoops, did a double post.

 

[Cathleen]

I'll agree that every woman is different, likes different things, etc. but when I talk about female behavior, I am talking mostly along the lines of how female attraction works. It's not like a light switch like it can be for a lot of guys, and most importantly, attraction isn't a choice. Just because a guy is kind and sweet you don't go "OK, this is a nice guy and I'm going to become attracted to him now".. it just happens.

A year ago I was completely lost with women, I did not "get it", I didn't understand anything about them. So I figured out the best way to improve that was to learn about them, what works, what doesn't, what they like, don't like.. and most importantly, how I can make myself more attractive. I'm not talking about just looks, but also your attitude, personality.. the whole package. Since then my success rate has pretty much improved 100%.

It might still "erk" you that I've gone out of my way to learn more about women, but I thought I'd atleast give a bit more detail to it.

I was hoping my thoughts wouldn't offend you, I'm sorry they did. It's never my intention to disrespect anyone. I appreciate you wanting to take time to further the conversation, it's clear this is important to you and you're taking it seriously. Just a correction regarding my reaction -- I used the word 'eek' to show surprise. I'm not erked.

It seems you are attempting to change yourself to become attractive to women. All I'm saying is don't be a chameleon, just be yourself. Learn about yourself first. Find out the kind of activities you enjoy, do the things you like, go place you feel like seeing, etc. By doing things like that you'll learn about you; your personality and attitudes will develop. Doing these things you might also learn what you like in a partner. (Also, never once did I imply physical attraction as it doesn't hold a candle to the attraction of the mind and spirit.)

Basically, don't make yourself fit for a person. The whole 'square peg in a round hole' thing is true so don't waste energy turning yourself into what you're not.

Not being genuine is easily noticed -- just so you know.

 

[rydia57]

You want pressure? Try being a girl hitting on a guy. You don't know if he's your type, and other assorted nuts. Its easier for me to start a conversation with a stranger sometimes than someone I know... cuz if I know them they're my type and i totally lose my words, LOL. Relax!

 

[finaljustice_20]

I was hoping my thoughts wouldn't offend you, I'm sorry they did. It's never my intention to disrespect anyone. I appreciate you wanting to take time to further the conversation, it's clear this is important to you and you're taking it seriously. Just a correction regarding my reaction -- I used the word 'eek' to show surprise. I'm not erked.

You didn't offend me. I felt like I could further explain why I chose to "study" women, and to learn more about them. I know not all women really understand why some guys need to study women in order to have massive success with them.. maybe because it's something they figure guys should already know?

I have changed myself to become more attractive to women, in a way. Before I would act different around women then I would act when I was with friends. I learned this was one of my biggest problems, so now I act like myself around women, which is a very sarcastic/smart ass, take me or leave me type person. I can be serious when needed, though. There are small things I try to add to my personality, usually these are just masculine qualities that every man should have.

I'd say I'm pretty far from being a chameleon, as I try to set myself apart from the crowd. I don't buy into trends, I only do what works for me. Around here I stand out from a crowd because I don't have the same haircut, clothing style every other guy has out here. Setting yourself apart from the crowd is a big key, as if you don't you can be put into the category of being "just another guy".

I'll agree that being authentic is the best way to go.

 

[PublicAffection]

I am engaged to a man who three years ago I would never have thought of as "my type". He doesn't look like/act like/do any of the things that any of the other guys I've been interested in dating did. The way that he approached me was slow, and steady. Every time he saw me, he would say hello and ask me how my day was going. Every time we met in passing he smiled, and tried to talk to me a little bit longer than the time before. And eventually, he asked me to lunch and that was the end of that.

I think that what attracted me to him more than anything was that he was always very friendly, but wasn't overbearing. He didn't immediately ask me out or comment on how fantastic my ass was (although it WAS and IS fantastic). He was very genuine and sincerely wanted to know who I was, and what I was doing. And most importatnly, he didn't act like getting into my pants was the only thing he was interested in.

His patience and genuine kindness have struck me with awe and happiness. So... do that. lol.

 

[emap]

Public I think maybe you are a teensy fixated on your ass.

Final your still not seeing the problem I pointed out to you to begin with. Women are not alike, we do not all love puppies ponies and long walks on the beach. Personally I like cats, and prefer a secluded spot nude on the beach to a long walk on it. Try walking in high heels sometime, there is a reason women tend to find a seat as fast as possible.

Yes we are different from men, we don't usually like guns fast cars and explosions. Some of us love video games, some of us love to beat up on every joe schmo that plays Halo or whatever, some of us love crafting in pick your online game.

Personally I am waiting for Age of Conan so I can decapitate some poor guy and look sexy in the process.

Some women like playing online games as men, talk and act like men, never say they are a woman, some women love to look act and talk like a woman and get all sorts of lewd comments from people who may or may not be old enough to look at literotica.

Some women hate men and only want to be near or sleep with women. Some women want to have sex with as many men at one time as they can.

Some women don't want to have sex except to get pregnant and nothing else.

Some women don't want to get pregnant.

Are you seeing a trend? Women are as has been said different, we are not summed up in any way besides we all have breasts and a pussy. Much in the same way, men are only summed up in they have a cock and balls. No matter what some book says, there is no one way to meet ms right or ms right now, there is no one phrase that will get a woman falling over herself to get you in bed, there is no one look that will get you a date, there is no one personality that will get you a wife or girlfriends. We are people, people cannot be summed up in one book, we cannot be summed up in one thousand books. The only key to finding someone, be yourself don't try to change and always tell the truth. You may not get as many dates as you want, you may not have sex as much as you want. YOu know what though, on your deathbed you can look back at your life and go dang I did good, you won't be ashamed and you probably will have that one special someone at your side or waiting for you in the cemetary.

 

[PublicAffection]

Public I think maybe you are a teensy fixated on your ass.

I may be. lol. But it's nice.

I agree with your points above also. I just concluded Shadow of the Collosus for PS2, and can't wait to start playing Halo 3 with my intended. (I have this nice trick where I pretend I don't know what I'm doing and "accidently" stick granades to the back of his head.)

All women are different, and are looking for different interactions with men. And the same woman may have a varied intent depending on her mood, the day of the week, or what stage of life she's in. I've gone from "bang 'em if they're breathin" to "maybe a night of snuggling whilst watching Tila Tequila bang 'em if they're breathin".

Be prepared to strike out as often, if not more often, than you make progress. And just remember, each "no thanks" is one more step to success - it doesn't matter how many times it doesn't work out the way you hope, it will be worth the effort when it does.

 

[smoothbikini]

i should recuse myself, but why does this have to be so complicated and thought-out in advance? what's wrong with a "hey there, i really like your ____ ? there are worst things in life than rejection...

 

[blondedreamz]

I prefer a man with a great smile and good eye contact, it always pulls me in. Yes, he must possess some command of the english language too.

 

[finaljustice_20]

I am engaged to a man who three years ago I would never have thought of as "my type". He doesn't look like/act like/do any of the things that any of the other guys I've been interested in dating did. The way that he approached me was slow, and steady. Every time he saw me, he would say hello and ask me how my day was going. Every time we met in passing he smiled, and tried to talk to me a little bit longer than the time before. And eventually, he asked me to lunch and that was the end of that..

This is something I've been interested in trying, just being interested in getting to know the girl, or as some people call it "being curious".

Final your still not seeing the problem I pointed out to you to begin with. Women are not alike, we do not all love puppies ponies and long walks on the beach. Personally I like cats, and prefer a secluded spot nude on the beach to a long walk on it. Try walking in high heels sometime, there is a reason women tend to find a seat as fast as possible.

I understand that women (and men) are different and like different things. I understand that not all women like the same types of guys.. some like guys with tattoos and piercings, some like bad boys, some like nice guys, and surprisingly, some like emos. Then there's some types of guys one woman will like that another won't. If a female doesn't have a good sense of humor she isn't going to dig me as I make a bunch of jokes and can be very sarcastic. While on the other hand girls with a good sense of humor usually dig me. This can also be related to the types of girls that *I* like, ones that have a good sense of humor, not afraid to make fun of themselves, and just fun to be around.

I'm not trying to get into some debate here as I believe you when you say that all women (and men) are different and like different things, I however, believe there are certain things or qualities that most women are universally attracted to. These are the kinds of things you can learn. A simple example could be that *most* women are attracted to masculine qualities, and *most* men are attracted to feminine qualities.

i should recuse myself, but why does this have to be so complicated and thought-out in advance? what's wrong with a "hey there, i really like your ____ ? there are worst things in life than rejection...

Not all guys like to give compliments early on. I know I'm one of those as I don't throw out compliments often as I believe less is more. Just saying a "hey, what's up" doesn't always get an answer.. but I guess you could say that if they don't answer it wasn't worth the time anyway.

 

[emap]

Ummm actually, most women are attracted to masculine qualities is a myth. Most women are attracted to a couple things, masculinity or lack of it are not one of them by and large. Take a look at some of the wants in the personals, I can tell you right off, almost every woman who says I want a big strong guy who wants to take care of me, doesn't give a rats ass about the first, they want a guy who makes a ton of money and will pay her way through everything. Even a I like strong men woman will fall head over heels for a geek if he has everything else she wants, like brains, sense of humor likes her for her and doesn't give a rats ass about her faults.

My guy for instance, he is a little taller than I am, not that heavily into games, alot of the time not romantic, he surprises me with a rose or a present sometimes, most of the time his romance is I love you babe. What drew me to him, not that he is hung, strong or hunky, I did not actually know until I met him in person, he has a sense of humor, and he listens to me, he actually wants to know how my day was and pays attention. Granted I think he pays attention so he does not think about what he is doing to me at the time now, then, he actually cared about me. He didn't say i want your body, he did not ask what I did that day and space out, he cared about me, he made me laugh and when he said I love you, he meant it.

I fell for him before I met him, we didn't trade photographs so we fell for what is under the skin, not how he acts, not how I act, but how we both think. Well sometimes I am not sure he does that, but so what, he is just such a wonderful person. I never knew he had masculine qualities until i met him, namely the strong bit, or that he will do the things I find repulsive. I did not know any of that, all I knew was he is funny, he cared about me and well OK I have to admit his voice is drop dead gorgeous, I so did not say that though.