I'll Tell You All the Story 'Bout the Teenage Angst vs. The Philosophical Night

[Mac98]

Don't try to understand what the title means, I myself don't understand it... it just came to me and I like... so there!!

I have a bit of a long story to tell that, well, let's face it, most of you are all aware of by now. So I'll skip most details not to write another novel. My question is pretty simple and I'm just looking for a bit of motivation and advice.

The story is I fell in love with a girl several years ago, I presented her to my best friend at my birthday party 3 years ago, one year later they started dating and 2 months ago they split up (on good terms). That's the very jist of it. My feelings for her have died down through time, but still come back up from time to time as strong as they've ever been. I can't say I have a tremendous friendship with her anymore... we keep in touch through my best friend (her now ex-boyfriend). I spoke to my best friend (who knows how I've felt about her all this time. I told him last February) about letting her know how I've felt. He was ok with it. I absolutely wanted to ask his permission... it wouldn't feel right otherwise.

He said he was fine and we even discussed how I should go about letting her know. My birthday is coming up at the end of the month (31st) and was hoping to tell her then, but have come to realize it may end up being a problem for various reasons. So I've somewhat decided (even though the jury's still out) that I'd tell her in the next 3 weeks. However, I'm not sure how I should tell, where or when...

So that's why I'm here asking some of you what you think. How would you handle this? Should I just invite her out for a walk (which would definately raise suspicion) and tell her? Or should I just wait for the right time?

Any and all advice is welcome. Thank you.

 

[Kojote]

Do you have any clue that she may return your feelings?
Any non-verbal signs of the slightest affection?

If not I doubt that telling her straightforward would be a good idea.

 

[Neast19]

If you say your not really great friends with her anymore I don't see that you've got anything too lose. Come out and tell her you'd like to take her out some time. If she say's yes, great! If she say's no then your no worse off and at least you know how she feels so you can move on to pastures green. Pluck it up and get it over with, knowing is nearly always better then hoping.

 

[Mac98]

Do you have any clue that she may return your feelings?
Any non-verbal signs of the slightest affection?

If not I doubt that telling her straightforward would be a good idea.

I don't care weather she feels anything for me or not. I doubt it, she's outta' my league, but I just need to tell her. Just to put my mind at ease and move on. I've been carrying this around for the past 3 or 4 years... I just wanna' tell her and forget about it... it's more complicated than that, I know... but I'm just giving the main summary of this whole ordeal.

If you say your not really great friends with her anymore I don't see that you've got anything too lose. Come out and tell her you'd like to take her out some time. If she say's yes, great! If she say's no then your no worse off and at least you know how she feels so you can move on to pastures green. Pluck it up and get it over with, knowing is nearly always better then hoping.

I'm sure she woudn't mind going out, but she'd most probably instantly be suspicious and I don't want that. Not that I want it to hit her like a ton of bricks, but I know for a fact she has no idea about the feelings I've had for her and being able to sit her down and tell her would let me avoid the pressure and awkwardness before the discussion ever even took place.

 

[Luna_Bella]

unless you feel like confronting her I would take a less direct approach, write her a letter?(not an e-mail or text message though, an actual handwritten letter) in that case you get to let her know everything without interuptions or holding back... it gives her time to think everything through..... I mean I would be pretty shocked if my ex's best friend would come out and tell me he's been in love with me for the past 3-4 years and had no idea....
and tell her you would like to talk about it to her when or if she feels comfortable about it.
I think thats the way I would do it...

I don't care weather she feels anything for me or not. I doubt it, she's outta' my league, but I just need to tell her. Just to put my mind at ease and move on. I've been carrying this around for the past 3 or 4 years... I just wanna' tell her and forget about it... it's more complicated than that, I know... but I'm just giving the main summary of this whole ordeal.




I'm sure she woudn't mind going out, but she'd most probably instantly be suspicious and I don't want that. Not that I want it to hit her like a ton of bricks, but I know for a fact she has no idea about the feelings I've had for her and being able to sit her down and tell her would let me avoid the pressure and awkwardness before the discussion ever even took place.

 

[coastal-boy]

women are smarter than we give them credit for. She probably already knows you at least would if an opportunity arose. I would write a very brief letter. Something like this...

In case you haven't figured it out, I have always loved you. There...I said it...it is out. It is no longer my secret. You have no idea how many times I wish I had made a different choice by not admitting this to myself or to you.


That's it. Short and sweet. People talk too fucking much when it comes to stuff like this. She will either run or not...does it really matter?

 

[Mac98]

women are smarter than we give them credit for. She probably already knows you at least would if an opportunity arose. I would write a very brief letter. Something like this...

In case you haven't figured it out, I have always loved you. There...I said it...it is out. It is no longer my secret. You have no idea how many times I wish I had made a different choice by not admitting this to myself or to you.


That's it. Short and sweet. People talk too fucking much when it comes to stuff like this. She will either run or not...does it really matter?

I know for a fact she has no clue. Her ex-boyfriend (and my bestfriend) has confirmed this... he himself had no clue till last February and he's my best friend! I'm not calling her stupid, I'm just really hard to read.

As for short and sweet... I doubt I'd have it in me to leave a little note like that. I've been carrying it all inside for the past few years... I'd probably end up opening up the faucet and letting it all out. As for her running or not, no, it doesn't matter at all. I don't care. I don't have the HEART to care, anymore... (Listen to me, I sound like such a whiny bitch :rolling eyes:

unless you feel like confronting her I would take a less direct approach, write her a letter?(not an e-mail or text message though, an actual handwritten letter) in that case you get to let her know everything without interuptions or holding back... it gives her time to think everything through..... I mean I would be pretty shocked if my ex's best friend would come out and tell me he's been in love with me for the past 3-4 years and had no idea....
and tell her you would like to talk about it to her when or if she feels comfortable about it.
I think thats the way I would do it...

Ok, that's an idea I hadn't really thought about. But I know she would never reply to it... I just know her enough to know that. Not cuz she doesn't care, I just think she'd feel to awkward about it.. However, I do find love letter to be really corny, so I'd have to find a way to make mine UN-corny and that would probably make my letter come out plain weird... (I have this odd sense of humor). I'll definately analyse this option, though...

 

[coastal-boy]

I just think she'd feel to awkward about it.. However, I do find love letter to be really corny, so I'd have to find a way to make mine UN-corny and that would probably make my letter come out plain weird... (I have this odd sense of humor). I'll definately analyse this option, though...

that is why I would go short. Really...what more could you say in 5 pages that I didn't say in 4 sentences. Think long and hard about your answer...cause you know you tend to over think things. It would creep me out more to get a long letter.

You could add something to the end of my couple lines like:
I hope you understand I needed to say this for me. If you don't feel the same way, I hope our friendship is not affected by you knowing how I feel about you.

What short does is that if she is interested...or even if not and she wants to be your friend...it opens the door for those long phone talks. THAT is where you use what you would put in YOUR letter.

 

[Mac98]

What short does is that if she is interested...or even if not and she wants to be your friend...it opens the door for those long phone talks. THAT is where you use what you would put in YOUR letter.

...But what I'd be saying over the phone I could very well tell her face to face, no?

 

[culloden]

Dude, this has been an issue for you for a long time. Life is too short to have this in your way. Tell her how you feel, and move forward down whichever fork her reaction leads.

I once read a quote that went something like so: Indecision is like a dull knife; it leaves a ragged wound. Decision is sharp, and leaves a clean, fast healing cut.

 

[Mac98]

Dude, this has been an issue for you for a long time. Life is too short to have this in your way. Tell her how you feel, and move forward down whichever fork her reaction leads.

I once read a quote that went something like so: Indecision is like a dull knife; it leaves a ragged wound. Decision is sharp, and leaves a clean, fast healing cut.

I like that... do you know who said it? Pfff! Stupid me, I'll just look it up, that's all! Thanks for the advice. I think after a poor night's sleep, I've decided I'll just take her aside and tell her. I sorta' feel like I'm dumping all thie weight on her but I know her enough to say she'll move on faster than I will if I don't ever say anything.

I just wish I could actually have a discussion about it with her. My best friend told me she'll most probably shut down and become introverted, making the "discussion" more of a monologue on my part. Oh well, beggers can't be choosers, I'm just anxious to get this whole mess out of the way.

Thanks for all the advice... to everyone (even those who haven't posted anything on this thread). This subject has gone forward at a much faster rate ever since I started discussing it with everyone here on HT and HTF. Thank you.

 

[coastal-boy]

I like that... do you know who said it? Pfff! Stupid me, I'll just look it up, that's all! Thanks for the advice. I think after a poor night's sleep, I've decided I'll just take her aside and tell her. I sorta' feel like I'm dumping all thie weight on her but I know her enough to say she'll move on faster than I will if I don't ever say anything.

I just wish I could actually have a discussion about it with her. My best friend told me she'll most probably shut down and become introverted, making the "discussion" more of a monologue on my part. Oh well, beggers can't be choosers, I'm just anxious to get this whole mess out of the way.

Thanks for all the advice... to everyone (even those who haven't posted anything on this thread). This subject has gone forward at a much faster rate ever since I started discussing it with everyone here on HT and HTF. Thank you.

short and sweet no matter which route you take. Droning on and on will do nothing except make you feel better. This isn't about making you feeling better imo...it is simply about you telling her how you feel and that can be done quickly. If she asks questions...sure...then she opened the door to you spilling your guts. Sometimes...a seed planted needs to grow. Plant the seed.

 

[fuckmeat]

Just tell her.

At this stage I really don't care how. If she starts dating someone else and you get back on the same batshit insane merry go round again, you'll never forgive yourself for dithering too long. Get it over with so you can deal with the consequences. 31 is way to old for this high school 'will she, won't she' crap. You know the odds are slim so if she does shoot you down, handle it. Over analysing everything you said and hating yourself for not approaching her in a different way will crucify you.

Get this over with.

And um... good luck.

 

[serpentwrap]

Yeah, your quandry is rather juvenile for your age, but believe you me, even at 40 you could be facing a similar heartache. No escaping the tribulations of teh heart....

Now think about it a bit. Are you being a martyr? If your feelings are so strong as you say they are, trust me she would know. In these matters, a woman can count the whorls on the arse of flying sparrow. And if you are tying yourself in such a knot over telling her or not telling or how to tell her, I dont think its worth it. You have to start believing in yourself, and perhaps as a therapy, start believing that any woman who failed to grasp the intensity of your love, is not worth the effort. You have something better in store, trust me... As long as you haven't intentionally treated her shabbily, things are gonna work out for you. Without her too...

Then again, in matters of the heart, there is no right or wrong. Everything can be forgiven and allowed...

Best of luck to you...

 

[culloden]

Good luck.

 

[just for fun]

Yeah, your quandry is rather juvenile for your age, but believe you me, even at 40 you could be facing a similar heartache. No escaping the tribulations of teh heart....

Now think about it a bit. Are you being a martyr? If your feelings are so strong as you say they are, trust me she would know. In these matters, a woman can count the whorls on the arse of flying sparrow. And if you are tying yourself in such a knot over telling her or not telling or how to tell her, I dont think its worth it. You have to start believing in yourself, and perhaps as a therapy, start believing that any woman who failed to grasp the intensity of your love, is not worth the effort. You have something better in store, trust me... As long as you haven't intentionally treated her shabbily, things are gonna work out for you. Without her too...

Then again, in matters of the heart, there is no right or wrong. Everything can be forgiven and allowed...

Best of luck to you...

I couldn't have said it any better myself. The over analyzing is too much baggage and drama for most people

Good luck with whatever you do

 

[Mac98]

Yeah, your quandry is rather juvenile for your age, but believe you me, even at 40 you could be facing a similar heartache. No escaping the tribulations of teh heart....

Now think about it a bit. Are you being a martyr? If your feelings are so strong as you say they are, trust me she would know. In these matters, a woman can count the whorls on the arse of flying sparrow. And if you are tying yourself in such a knot over telling her or not telling or how to tell her, I dont think its worth it. You have to start believing in yourself, and perhaps as a therapy, start believing that any woman who failed to grasp the intensity of your love, is not worth the effort. You have something better in store, trust me... As long as you haven't intentionally treated her shabbily, things are gonna work out for you. Without her too...

Then again, in matters of the heart, there is no right or wrong. Everything can be forgiven and allowed...

Best of luck to you...

Just tell her.

At this stage I really don't care how. If she starts dating someone else and you get back on the same batshit insane merry go round again, you'll never forgive yourself for dithering too long. Get it over with so you can deal with the consequences. 31 is way to old for this high school 'will she, won't she' crap. You know the odds are slim so if she does shoot you down, handle it. Over analysing everything you said and hating yourself for not approaching her in a different way will crucify you.

Get this over with.

And um... good luck.

I'm not sure if this is a misunderstanding, but I'm nowhere near 32... I'm almost... or over a decade younger than that.

But I get the point... Like I said, I've decided to just wing it. Probably Sunday or monday, those are my only days off this week, and I doubt I'll be sleeping very much when it's all over and done with, so I'd prefer doing it when I'm not working the next day (ok, that piece of information wasn't very relevant or interesting, sorry XD). Thanks again for everyone. In 3 or 4 days from now, it'll all be done!

 

[Vixandra]

Be honest and up front with her. Tell her how you feel, that you understand if she doesn't share your feelings but you have to get it off your chest before you can move on in your life, either with her as a couple, with her as a friend or without her.

I've been in similar shoes with a guy that I was head over heels for almost 3 years but he had a girlfriend the majority of that time. After they broke up, I finely told him how I felt and his response was "flattered but not interested."

However, just bringing up my interest, I moved from "one of the guys" to "this hot girl who likes me" category. We ended up getting together four months later, married the year after and are still together 8 years after that.

Be honest, do it with no one else around and make sure she doesn't feel trapped into giving you a response on the fly.

 

[coastal-boy]

Be honest and up front with her. Tell her how you feel, that you understand if she doesn't share your feelings but you have to get it off your chest before you can move on in your life, either with her as a couple, with her as a friend or without her.

I've been in similar shoes with a guy that I was head over heels for almost 3 years but he had a girlfriend the majority of that time. After they broke up, I finely told him how I felt and his response was "flattered but not interested."

However, just bringing up my interest, I moved from "one of the guys" to "this hot girl who likes me" category. We ended up getting together four months later, married the year after and are still together 8 years after that.

Be honest, do it with no one else around and make sure she doesn't feel trapped into giving you a response on the fly.

perfect example of a seed planted^^^^^

 

[Mac98]

Be honest and up front with her. Tell her how you feel, that you understand if she doesn't share your feelings but you have to get it off your chest before you can move on in your life, either with her as a couple, with her as a friend or without her.

I've been in similar shoes with a guy that I was head over heels for almost 3 years but he had a girlfriend the majority of that time. After they broke up, I finely told him how I felt and his response was "flattered but not interested."

However, just bringing up my interest, I moved from "one of the guys" to "this hot girl who likes me" category. We ended up getting together four months later, married the year after and are still together 8 years after that.

Be honest, do it with no one else around and make sure she doesn't feel trapped into giving you a response on the fly.

Nice! Way to get my hopes up, there

But you're most probably right. By tomorrow or after tomorrow, it'll all be over and done with. I'll take your word for it, Vix, thanks.

 

[Mac98]

Be honest and up front with her. Tell her how you feel, that you understand if she doesn't share your feelings but you have to get it off your chest before you can move on in your life, either with her as a couple, with her as a friend or without her.

I've been in similar shoes with a guy that I was head over heels for almost 3 years but he had a girlfriend the majority of that time. After they broke up, I finely told him how I felt and his response was "flattered but not interested."

However, just bringing up my interest, I moved from "one of the guys" to "this hot girl who likes me" category. We ended up getting together four months later, married the year after and are still together 8 years after that.

Be honest, do it with no one else around and make sure she doesn't feel trapped into giving you a response on the fly.

Wait... so if I understand correctly, your husband wasn't interested in you when you first expressed your feelings to him... but then how much time went by before he finally changed his mind? And more importantly, what kind of relationship did the two of you have after you told him this?

 

[coastal-boy]

you are thinking about it too much again.

You are responsible for planting the seed. What happens after that is not in your control. Plant it and walk.

 

[coastal-boy]

and what I mean by walk is basically let go of whatever outcome happens

 

[Mac98]

I was just curious is all... I'm not expecting anything but relief after all this. That's the idea I'm setting out with, nothing more, nothing less.

 

[Vixandra]

Wait... so if I understand correctly, your husband wasn't interested in you when you first expressed your feelings to him... but then how much time went by before he finally changed his mind? And more importantly, what kind of relationship did the two of you have after you told him this?

Some background: we'd been friends for about three years, but I was "one of the guys" not a "girl" in his eyes. And being the tomboy that I am, it was difficult to break that image in his mind.

I knew there was a high probability of me not having a chance with him, given that his previous girlfriend was gorgeous, tall, very feminine, lovely long blonde hair and seemed pretty sweet, things I don't see at all in myself. I was, and still am, curvy, sarcastic, abrasive at times, angry frequently (rage is a bad but effective energy source) and rarely bothered with anything more complicated then jeans/t-shirt/ponytail. All of my friends knew how I felt about him, I was stupid over him, I admit it. Like screwing up a rifle routine I knew front and back when I saw him and hitting myself in the head with the gun on an easy spin-toss.

I told him at the end of October because I couldn't bear not to do so. I had to at least tell him, even if it didn't work, even if I went down in flames. I couldn't hold it in any longer. So I put everything I felt into a letter, gave it to him and met up with him a few days later, which was when I got "flattered but not interested." I also ended up giving him a computer because I had a spare Apple (my dad's a tech nut so we always had something to spare computer wise). A big, purple iMac, a not-so-subtle reminder of me that sat in his bedroom.

After I told him, we didn't see each other for two months due to a combination of my crazy step mother and other issues on my side ( I was a senior in high school, just turned 18 that September.) We started talking online frequently and we saw each other after things tamed down on my end. That was shortly after New Years.

It was a little awkward at first but things went back to normal for us. We'd hang out like buddies, which hurt but was better then nothing for me. Then our dynamic shifted, he'd flirt with me where he hadn't before. I was the only person he wanted over for his birthday in January. He worked a job that got him off work late at night and I was the only person awake to hang out with because I'm a night owl. So he made a point of inviting me out to a late dinner or a movie if I was in the area. I'd demand entire weekends off to spend with him, a challenge when one works retail in a small store.

We were officially together in early February and he told me he realized that he cared for me. He'd missed me over Thanksgiving, over Christmas, over New Years. Loved having me there for his birthday. Loved me.


I understand how much it sucks to watch the one you love with another person. I watched for over a year (which is a lot to a teenager), saw him with this beautiful girl. Had to watch her pull him away from me when our groups ran into each other, deal with the pain of watching her "mark her territory" when I was around. It was worth it for me though, because I got my happy ending. I cannot imagine my life without him and I know I wouldn't be the person I am without his calming, loving influence.

Like I said, be honest with her. Because if she shoots you down, at least you tried. She knows, you know, you can move on knowing that you tried. But if you never try, you never know if she may have said "lets try this." And that's a big "What if" to live with.