What's it like to be desired?

[shiny5437]

Have just seen the very old 'ugly' thread that's been bumped on the main board and it's got me thinking. I know what it's like to not be physically attractive and I'm old and mature enough to be cool with that.

One thing I've always wondered though is, what's it like to be attractive? It's an experience which is pretty foreign to me and it does make me curious. Is it something beautiful people are aware of?

What's it like to be pretty or handsome and know that people desire you?

 

[Athalia]

Have just seen the very old 'ugly' thread that's been bumped on the main board and it's got me thinking. I know what it's like to not be physically attractive and I'm old and mature enough to be cool with that.

One thing I've always wondered though is, what's it like to be attractive? It's an experience which is pretty foreign to me and it does make me curious. Is it something beautiful people are aware of?

What's it like to be pretty or handsome and know that people desire you?

For me, it depends on who's doing the desiring.

I'm a small woman with a history of sexual abuse, so my first reaction to being admired by big guys is panic. Over the years, I've been able to overcome it, but it's always there in the background somewhere.

But once that stops being a big factor, I appreciate the attention, especially when it comes from somebody who I find desirable. If my admirer has a clue, he'll know the difference between flirting and real interest. But I'll admit that looks get in the way of trusting and being trusted.

I've known a lot of attractive women who just take it for granted that men (and sometimes women) will admire them. For them, the problem is getting their admirers to turn it off for a while so they can get work done, or get to know their admirers on a more personal (as opposed to intimate) level. The trick for them is separating the guys who just want trophies from the guys who really care for them.

In short, beauty opens doors, but it sometimes closes them, too.

 

[satindesire]

Have just seen the very old 'ugly' thread that's been bumped on the main board and it's got me thinking. I know what it's like to not be physically attractive and I'm old and mature enough to be cool with that.

One thing I've always wondered though is, what's it like to be attractive? It's an experience which is pretty foreign to me and it does make me curious. Is it something beautiful people are aware of?

What's it like to be pretty or handsome and know that people desire you?

This is kind of a touchy subject for me personally, but I'll give it a shot as objectively as I can. Now, in saying this I don't want to be lambasted or flamed. I am not in any way an expert on this subject, I am merely repeating what I have seen in the media, and what I have experienced in my own life.

There are pros and cons to being attractive, as with...well, really anything in life.

Some of the pros I've experienced in my life are things like...people automatically tend to value you as a person, and they -want- to like you. Attractive people are often picked for better jobs, often get advanced in said jobs faster, marry more educated and wealthier people, and are seen as 'happier' and more trustworthy to the outside world. Now, this by all means isn't what every single attractive and desirable person sees, this is just a generalization.

Some cons, for attractive women at least, are things like...people automatically consider you "meat"...or "prey"...attractive women often get sexually harassed by the opposite sex, raped or sexually abused. There is a stereotype that is portrayed very often in western society, too, that a happy, attractive person isn't as "smart" as their more plain counterparts (Ala Velma and Daphne in Scooby Do). Attractive women sometimes find it hard to make friends with other women because other women feel negatively towards her, for whatever reason. And attractive women find it hard to make friends with men because some men find it hard to be completely platonic with an attractive woman.

There's a saying...'You can't fix stupid" which rings true to me, at least. An unattractive person can go and get a personal trainer, get plastic surgery, go on a good diet, get anything that's perceived as a "flaw" fixed...but when someone is genuinely an idiot, there's no doctor for that.

As for my own personal experiences in KNOWING if I'm attractive, yes, I know the outside world sees me as attractive. However, I have "fat and ugly" days just as much as the next girl. There are some days I don't feel pretty, I just want to lay around and scrub out in my sweats. Of course, conversely...There are some days where I feel like the most gorgeous woman on the planet.

Some attractive people can use their looks like a weapon, I have never done that before but I have considered it. I'm human, after all. Being attractive doesn't make me better than anyone else, and it doesn't make me worse than anyone else. On the inside, we're all the same.

 

[qrayze]

What's it like to be pretty or handsome and know that people desire you?

Feeling desired is a lot different than feeling loved. It feels great, but the good feeling only lasts a short while because it's empty. Feeling desired by the whole world is no match for feeling loved by one person.

 

[fuckmeat]

Like satin says, it's a double-edged sword. For me, it's a kind of triple edged sword because in addition to being conventionally attractive, I'm 5ft tall and look very young. This leads to people being patronising or condescending because they thing I'm a naive teen, when I'm actually an emotionally mature woman in her mid 20s.

I have been hit on by guys who are specifically drawn to the fact I look barely pubescent, which is something I just find abhorrent. It's somehow always less of an issue with women, but it's still something I'm always conscious of. My personal style is quite goth/emo, not overtly so but enough to be perceived as edgy by most. I'm well aware that it makes me look young but equally, trying to dress in a sophisticated way just leave me looking like a kid who's raided her mother's wardrobe. And of course, my style is a form of self expression. I don't want to dress like a middle aged spinster on the off-chance that somebody will take me seriously from the get go.

Having doors open because you're pretty is flattering in many respects but kind of leaves a bad taste. It's one of the reasons attractive people can have crippling low self esteem, because you wind up wondering whether you deserved that door to open, which makes you second guess yourself. If you decide that your looks were a major factor, you then wind up with unwanted feelings of indebtedness towards whoever opened the door and that causes resentment because you never asked for preferential treatment in the first place. IME, only the superlatively vain and vacuous attractive people breeze through life with a sense of entitlement about the effects their beauty has on their options and treatment by others.

I chose a career in medicine, an arena where beauty rightly does little to enhance career advancement. Now I work in a bar things are very very different. Well not the advancement thing, because my boss is a gay man. But the way I'm treated by customers is very different to the way plainer and less feminine members of staff are. I work in a GLBT friendly bar and so I have female co-workers who look recognisably lesbian, with short hair and a more androgynous style. That for them is obviously a choice and they derive self respect from being true to themselves, so approbation from others is not important to them. Despite my goth/emo style, I'm quite feminine really and I know it matters to me whether people view me as attractive. I'm very aware of how that sounds but it's true.

The big difference working in a bar however, is that people view me as there for their entertainment. The two masculine lesbians on the staff have an abrupt, masculine manner that allows people little small talk. I'm just not wired that way however. I have to engage with, chat to and humour people who I'd never want to be part of my personal life. Regular customers then get the misguided impression that they're my friend and then I wind up back-pedalling a little when they get over-familiar. The submissive facet of my character can make me come across as shy or unassertive but once a customer has sunk half a bottle of tequila it's me who has to burst their bubble and tell them to go the fuck home. Despite the fact I have co-workers and a police radio to back me up, people always get shitty with me in a way they wouldn't with a man or a more formidable looking woman. In this day and age of instant communication and CCTV, my height, build and appearance should have nothing to do with my authority in the workplace but that logic just doesn't apply to drunk pub patrons. I have even had a police officer attend a call to make a customer leave who I was refusing to serve, ask me how old I am in front of said customer. I was like, 'you want to check my ID or his blood alcohol level?'

People take one look at me and assume I'm a kid with zero life experience. People undermine and belittle me all the damn time and I am here to tell you that there are few things on earth more tragic than a short woman losing her temper. I also seem to bring out the 'damsel in distress' response in others. People will try to assist me with tasks that I'm handling just fine, simply because I'm small and slim (ok, and quite hot if you like titless teens). As a nurse, people respected my training and authority but outside the profession, people tend to assume that I'm less than capable of whatever I'm doing. It's hard because if I open my mouth and set them straight I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder about it, because... I kinda do. If I'm anything less than forthright and total in my conviction, people will question my judgement purely because it's my judgement.

And I swear, one of the main reasons I'll never be 100% heterosexual is the way many men still devalue what many women say to them, purely based on the woman's looks. It's like they think young + pretty = moronic. Guys will contradict me on principle, then toss me some kind of verbal pat on the head and henceforth disregard my input. They would never act that way towards another guy, an older woman, let alone one of my butch co-workers. I just seem to bring out the inner caveman in hetero guys. One look at me is apparently enough to negate generations of women striving for gender equality in western civilization.

One. Look.

As Lily Marshall (How I met Your Mother) once said (paraphrased from memory): "It's always been the same, my cuteness gets in the way of my message."

Not that I have a message exactly but I have knowledge, experience and valid opinions, just like everyone else.

I have a very low tolerance to the word 'cute.'

So it should come as no surprise that I'm extremely selective about who I discuss my kinks with. It's a short journey in some men's heads from 'if she wants slapping and throat-raping, more power to her' to 'little bitch needs slapping and throat-raping by me.' With women it's more complicated but in essence the same and with women I'm somehow more susceptible to aplha traits and dominance. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of in the past and so now I have a high, electrified, razor-wire frosted fence erected around my dark heart because once I drop my barriers with someone it is near impossible for me to rebuild them, regardless of (or if I'm brutally honest, perhaps because of) how appallingly I may be treated. But that's a whole other unmitigated digression.

So I try to be equanimitous about my looks (though tell me condescendingly that I'll appreciate looking ten years younger than I am when I'm forty and I'll bitchslap you) and my build but it's not always easy. I also have to give a lot more thought to my personal safety than girls who are plainer or bigger built. My male friends go out for the night with no thought for where they'll wind up or how trashed they'll be when they get there. I have to have a gameplan that includes only moderate alcohol intake and a safe ride home.

Ok, I'm officially rambling now. This has struck a chord with me however. I know I've wandered from the original debate topic, for which I apologise.

So yes, being pretty has its advantages. I am aware that I'm fortunate in being pretty but I do try not to exploit it. I prefer that doors open for me on merit. I do like being checked out and appreciated physically, though outside my workplace it's usually teenage boys who check me out, because grown men assume they'd be arrested for doing so. I don't like it when people judge me on my looks and patronise me. I know when I'm looking good and there is some confidence to be found in that. As a very petite woman though, unwanted attention can be very intimidating. Gay women however, can behave atrociously at times and be equally intimidating. Hetero guys generally know when they've been assholes and deserve a slap but many gay women appropriate the worst masculine traits of lechery and sexism and call it empowerment. Go figure.

Just once, for one day, I'd like to be six feet tall. Just to see what happens.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

I really can't answer the question. I doubt most would consider me attractive. That being said my take on the net and feeling attractive.

The various chat rooms, private chat, cyber and SRP gives us all the chance to be attractive. In those situations I can be who ever or what ever I want to be. 6' 6" ALPHA MALE. A 5'2" 90lb. submissive female slut. I can be a 5' 10" lipstick lesbian.

I can be that person for a couple of hours. days, weeks, or months. During that time I am desired and cared about in some way for that time period.. In reality I do none of those things. Just not my thing. Still I could if I wanted to be wanted. I will admit to playing on line occasionally but, I am always who I am in real life. I don't cam, exchange photos, or phone. I try to paint who I am with words and expressed actions.

On line is transitory as may be getting picked up in a club, bar or restaurant and a whole lot safer.

Feeling desired may well be transitory IRL. As another poster said to paraphrase feeling loved 24/7 for years: Priceless!

 

[serpentwrap]

Just once, for one day, I'd like to be six feet tall. Just to see what happens.

Believe you me, on this board, in your conversations, during your arguments and discussions, why, even during your "confessionals" you do stand tall. Way over 6 feet. Few might admit it to you, but your personality can - and has - dwarfed some on this board. I bet its the same in RL too.

Thar you go, Over 6 feet, standing tall like the proverbial amazonian ...

 

[Emerald Eyed]

Geez, have never really thought about it.

drinks in bars come free, The attention is flattering but can also be annoying depending on who it is.

I have recently been the victim of sexual harassment due to being "Hot" with "great tits"


Yes it can make things easier, but you can be super hot with an ugly personality.

A lot of the men I have dated have been average to below average in looks. I always go for personality because it doesn't matter how hot you are if you are ugly underneath

 

[NippleMuncher]

Yes it can make things easier, but you can be super hot with an ugly personality.

And conversely so.

I always go for personality because it doesn't matter how hot you are if you are ugly underneath

That describes me as well. We all want to have the most beautiful person in the world by our side, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and inner beauty is far more important to me than external beauty.

I often laugh, or barf, at what others are drooling over as gorgeous, when they're obviously only looking at the packaging and not of the contents or lack there of. This is a genderless comment, it's equally true for both sides of the coin.

 

[SirLicksAalot]

...

Wow fuckmeat, LOL, I don't know what to say, this got you all riled up! It may just be me, okay, but I think you might be confusing being dismissed because of your youth compared to your cruddy and/or crusty co-workers/friends/acquaintances, if that, or being dismissed because of your looks.

Young people would often always hold less sway than older people, that's just the way it goes [I feel this everyday being one of the younger people at work and of the people I a normally around with]. . . but think of it this way, when you're pretty you'll always be pretty, what you say may not hold as much sway now, but eventually it will. Then, not only are you pretty, but you'll also be sitting atop the totem pole, looking down on the young and pretty/pretty stupid/or, like me, the regular young and not so pretty/average people you're around with. LOL!

 

[satindesire]

Wow fuckmeat, LOL, I don't know what to say, this got you all riled up! It may just be me, okay, but I think you might be confusing being dismissed because of your youth compared to your cruddy and/or crusty co-workers/friends/acquaintances, if that, or being dismissed because of your looks.

Young people would often always hold less sway than older people, that's just the way it goes [I feel this everyday being one of the younger people at work and of the people I a normally around with]. . . but think of it this way, when you're pretty you'll always be pretty, what you say may not hold as much sway now, but eventually it will. Then, not only are you pretty, but you'll also be sitting atop the totem pole, looking down on the young and pretty/pretty stupid/or, like me, the regular young and not so pretty/average people you're around with. LOL!

No.

She's tired of being dismissed because of the way she looks, period.

I know exactly how that feels. Trust me. It's one of the worst feelings a person can have.

Minimized because of something we literally cannot help? That blows.

 

[shiny5437]

Hmm, it sounds like being one of the beautiful people isn't all that it seems to be made out to be. If I'd been born pretty I'd be milking it for all it's worth!

Just wondering though, given what's been said, if anybody would actually prefer to be physically unattractive if they had the choice?

 

[SirLicksAalot]

No.

She's tired of being dismissed because of the way she looks, period.

I know exactly how that feels. Trust me. It's one of the worst feelings a person can have.

Minimized because of something we literally cannot help? That blows.

Period? . . . end of discussion? Exactly what pretty people, at least the ones I know, almost always say [uncanny]. You people [yep I said it, lol!] must share a manual or something ha ha!

 

[satindesire]

Hmm, it sounds like being one of the beautiful people isn't all that it seems to be made out to be. If I'd been born pretty I'd be milking it for all it's worth!

Just wondering though, given what's been said, if anybody would actually prefer to be physically unattractive if they had the choice?

With all the bad things that can, do and will happen to attractive people, if I suddenly woke up one day and was unattractive, I don't think I'd know what to do with myself. Honestly, that's like asking if a woman wanted to wake up as a man one day.

When you're born one way, you live your entire life that way and don't know any other way to be. To suddenly be thrust into another entire life would be confusing.

Period? . . . end of discussion? Exactly what pretty people, at least the ones I know, almost always say [uncanny]. You people [yep I said it, lol!] must share a manual or something ha ha!

I wish!

 

[fuckmeat]

Wow fuckmeat, LOL, I don't know what to say, this got you all riled up! It may just be me, okay, but I think you might be confusing being dismissed because of your youth compared to your cruddy and/or crusty co-workers/friends/acquaintances, if that, or being dismissed because of your looks.

Young people would often always hold less sway than older people, that's just the way it goes [I feel this everyday being one of the younger people at work and of the people I a normally around with]. . . but think of it this way, when you're pretty you'll always be pretty, what you say may not hold as much sway now, but eventually it will. Then, not only are you pretty, but you'll also be sitting atop the totem pole, looking down on the young and pretty/pretty stupid/or, like me, the regular young and not so pretty/average people you're around with. LOL!

I absolutely agree that people's opinions hold more sway when they're older and have more life experience. It's not that I wish I was treated like some wise old crone, just that there's a big difference in how people perceive a teen's life experience as opposed to a 25y/o woman's life experience. It's a cheap shot and a form of prejudice that nobody ever acknowledges.

No.

She's tired of being dismissed because of the way she looks, period.

I know exactly how that feels. Trust me. It's one of the worst feelings a person can have.

Minimized because of something we literally cannot help? That blows.

Yes it does. Also, it's a karma thing with me. I try very hard not to be prejudicial with other and I like to think that mostly, I succeed. There's something very unjust about knowing that your appearance is subject to almost reflex, unwitting prejudice. Ageism towards older people is a recognised societal issue but ageism towards the young? Outside of the jobs market, nobody ever even acknowledges it.

Le sigh.

ETA: I know this is a hijack and I'm sorry. Youthfulness and beauty go hand in hand however.

 

[infinity706]

Just once, for one day, I'd like to be six feet tall. Just to see what happens.

I don't know how it would work out. I'm almost six feet tall, 230 pounds or so, and people treat me like that, too. I just don't give a shit. If you have a personality like you come across sometimes online, though, people might be a little scared you'd whip their ass.

 

[fgarvb1]

Have just seen the very old 'ugly' thread that's been bumped on the main board and it's got me thinking. I know what it's like to not be physically attractive and I'm old and mature enough to be cool with that.

One thing I've always wondered though is, what's it like to be attractive? It's an experience which is pretty foreign to me and it does make me curious. Is it something beautiful people are aware of?

What's it like to be pretty or handsome and know that people desire you?

Well, I don't know about all that!And I've wondered a couple of(hundred) times
why some woman or the other was attracted to me.

Damed if I know. attractiveness and desirability is in the eye and mind of the beholder ...that's for sure.

Being genuinely disired...for me is like a happy/ aphrodisiac drug with an ego boost.

Ha!

At least as best as I can recall!

 

[RedheadedHaze]

I think this was summed up very nicely for me in a movie long ago and I've never forgotten it:

"You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them."

~The Truth About Cats and Dogs

 

[erotiquegirl]

I business, it has advantages and disadvantages. Sexual harassment isn't uncommon. 3 complaints against superiors in my career. I've been groped and told if I didn't fuck so and so I wouldn't get a promotion or be fired. On the other end, it helps with older men. I don't flirt but if they take kindness as sexual overtunes (borderline harassment), that's okay. As long as they don't do what 3 others have done. All 3 were fired but I left all 2 of the companies a year later. The other paid me a nice settlement to leave. In retrospect, get proof and sue is my advice. For men, never be alone with a woman. You never know if they'll turn something minor (dirty jokes I could care less about) into something big.

I don't date inside the company. I mingle at company functions but it's just social (I'm in management now) niceness. Married and divorced (one in the company thought I was okay with fucking him since divorced). I'm moving up to a regional director so I'll be more involved with social functions.

Private life is great. Have some guys that can't handle no. But, who doesn't? I'm bi but management still is not that liberated. Some are gay but have wives to make it look good. Women like me wouldn't get promoted or it would be 2x as hard to as a lesbian or bisexual.

 

[erotiquegirl]

Beauty and desirability aren't the same. I know some that hot and not sexy. Men and women.

 

[NippleMuncher]

For men, never be alone with a woman. You never know if they'll turn something minor (dirty jokes I could care less about) into something big.

That statement can go both ways. Ultimately, it's up to the parties involved to know when they're over-stepping their boundaries and when they're not.

To be honest, a good portion of the populace goes through life rather clueless as to what's going on around them and/or the signals they're putting out. This is neither ignorance nor condolence of inappropriate behaviors from either side, merely that both men and women can be clueless as to what's going on around them.

I personally know when I can be more flirtatious with someone and when absolute "business" demeanor is mandated. Even amongst casual friends I know where this line is, and I never cross it without permission. Having said that, anyone who knows me knows I like to flirt and be "naughty", but ONLY with like minded folks who want to play back. If you have ulterior motives, I won't play no matter how hard you push.

 

[sereneone4u]

Have just seen the very old 'ugly' thread that's been bumped on the main board and it's got me thinking. I know what it's like to not be physically attractive and I'm old and mature enough to be cool with that.

One thing I've always wondered though is, what's it like to be attractive? It's an experience which is pretty foreign to me and it does make me curious. Is it something beautiful people are aware of?

What's it like to be pretty or handsome and know that people desire you?

Several have said this already, but beauty/handsomeness is in the eye of the beholder. I am sure people have found you desirable...have you had relationships? Hookups? Then you know.

 

[shiny5437]

Of course people don't have to be physically attractive to be desirable - great things can be said about the way some people hold themselves, move, and talk.

Ask me what it's like to be tall or clever and I could tell you. However, what it's like to know that another person is attracted to you is a dimension of my interactions that simply doesn't occur. Maybe it doesn't happen, maybe it's something I simply don't pick up on. Consequently, there has been a 'paucity' of relationships or 'hookups' in my life.

I guess that's one of the reasons I come to lit'; it intrigues how people come to be experiencing this aspect of life.

 

[NippleMuncher]

It's all about confidence!

 

[lesliecannon]

In my younger years I was attractive and it felt good. I was a petite long haired young woman that guys liked to talk to. They would ask me to go out and everything. I have always been shy so it boosted my confidence but now that I have become jiggly with age and childbirth my confidence has gone down.
Now I used to know a lot of people that let it go to their heads and they turn ugly, as I got older I stopped associating with those type of people. They were making me look ugly by the way they talked about other people and they way they treated them. The people that get compliments about their beauty and just go on about their day with a soft thank you, those are the really beautiful people.