Guidance?

[GingerSnap3]

I come and go here quite a bit. It's been a while since I've logged in. I've been dating a wonderful man for 7 months now, and he is absolutely great. There's just one problem... He's vanilla,, and I am definitely not. I enjoy being dominated, and have explained that to him. Although he doesn't judge me for that, and has tried a few things that don't scare him too much (light choking and hair pulling), he's unwilling to try more in-depth domination. It's mostly quiet missionary sex. Although I love him dearly, I'm losing my mind. I do not want to break up or cheat, but those of you who enjoy being submissive will probably understand the need I feel. It's been 7 months. What can I do? Any ideas are appreciated.

 

[ohsalamanca]

.....

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

I come and go here quite a bit. It's been a while since I've logged in. I've been dating a wonderful man for 7 months now, and he is absolutely great. There's just one problem... He's vanilla,, and I am definitely not. I enjoy being dominated, and have explained that to him. Although he doesn't judge me for that, and has tried a few things that don't scare him too much (light choking and hair pulling), he's unwilling to try more in-depth domination. It's mostly quiet missionary sex. Although I love him dearly, I'm losing my mind. I do not want to break up or cheat, but those of you who enjoy being submissive will probably understand the need I feel. It's been 7 months. What can I do? Any ideas are appreciated.

I can only speak for myself, but I would need some time to get comfortable with that. I would need to be assured of a few things.

1. That it really turned the girl on. If it did I would be more willing & feel more comfortable.
2. I wasn't going to hurt her. I'm usually much bigger & stronger than the girls I date & I wouldn't want to hurt someone.
3. I'd need to be very comfortable with her & trust her.

 

[Rick Forbes]

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and relationship therapy

Some people really benefit from relationship counseling to get over some of these hurdles with a long-term partner. Unfortunately, many therapists and relationship counselors pathologize kink, non-monogamy, non-binary gender expression, etc and suggest that the partner desiring more unconventional sexual expression is in need of some kind of reparative therapy.

Fortunately, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a link on their site to a list of Kink-Aware Professionals who can work with couples in your situation without getting sidetracked with the non-issue of whether or not you yourself are insane. Which, of course, you are not. Here is the link: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

If you are on Fetlife, there is a similar group called Justine's List, which you can find by searching the groups.

Good luck!

 

[GingerSnap3]

I can only speak for myself, but I would need some time to get comfortable with that. I would need to be assured of a few things.

1. That it really turned the girl on. If it did I would be more willing & feel more comfortable.
2. I wasn't going to hurt her. I'm usually much bigger & stronger than the girls I date & I wouldn't want to hurt someone.
3. I'd need to be very comfortable with her & trust her.

Thank you for your perspective. I have tried to assure him that it does really turn me on to give him the reins, and that I am tougher than I look and it's honestly very hard to actually hurt me. I would hope that he trusts and is comfortable with me after 7 months, and the L word being used frequently, but I can't see inside his mind, so maybe there are some reservations there.

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

Thank you for your perspective. I have tried to assure him that it does really turn me on to give him the reins, and that I am tougher than I look and it's honestly very hard to actually hurt me. I would hope that he trusts and is comfortable with me after 7 months, and the L word being used frequently, but I can't see inside his mind, so maybe there are some reservations there.

You've been together for 7 months, but how long has he known you want to be submissive?

 

[GingerSnap3]

Some people really benefit from relationship counseling to get over some of these hurdles with a long-term partner. Unfortunately, many therapists and relationship counselors pathologize kink, non-monogamy, non-binary gender expression, etc and suggest that the partner desiring more unconventional sexual expression is in need of some kind of reparative therapy.

Fortunately, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a link on their site to a list of Kink-Aware Professionals who can work with couples in your situation without getting sidetracked with the non-issue of whether or not you yourself are insane. Which, of course, you are not. Here is the link: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

If you are on Fetlife, there is a similar group called Justine's List, which you can find by searching the groups.

Good luck!

Thank you! I'm certain that my s/o would be really embarrassed if I suggested that. He's so private and shy.

 

[broker55]

suggestion

Thank you! I'm certain that my s/o would be really embarrassed if I suggested that. He's so private and shy.

I sent you a pm, I suggest you get a teacher,either male or female that's willing to show him what to do and bring his inner Dom out

 

[GingerSnap3]

I think if anything, it would be up to me to teach him... which I have been trying to do... but that is just so not me. I'm submissive by nature, so even taking the reins to teach him how to dominate me is somewhat beyond my comfort zone. I don't think that he would find it appropriate to invite someone else into our sex life, even just to inform or teach. Even to talk about it. Sex is taboo to him, I think. He does not enjoy PDA at all, or being open with sexuality or affection in front of others. I'm trying to adjust to that.

 

[broker55]

suggestion

I think if anything, it would be up to me to teach him... which I have been trying to do... but that is just so not me. I'm submissive by nature, so even taking the reins to teach him how to dominate me is somewhat beyond my comfort zone. I don't think that he would find it appropriate to invite someone else into our sex life, even just to inform or teach. Even to talk about it. Sex is taboo to him, I think. He does not enjoy PDA at all, or being open with sexuality or affection in front of others. I'm trying to adjust to that.

Well here's another suggestion, have someone teach you to be dominate, then you could properly teach him how to do it . I hope this helps you, pm me if you have any other questions,I'm definitely willing to offer any help or assistance I can

 

[Sidney_1]

I would just accept that you're sexually incompatible. . .and that's a huge thing. I don't see how you could stay together and feel fulfilled instead of frustrated as you are now.

Next time, be honest about your sexual tastes much earlier in the relationship.

 

[phillyinjun]

I would just accept that you're sexually incompatible. . .and that's a huge thing. I don't see how you could stay together and feel fulfilled instead of frustrated as you are now.

Next time, be honest about your sexual tastes much earlier in the relationship.

Absolutely spot on. You shouldn't bank on your partner changing and you really don't want that either.

 

[cliteatingman]

I come and go here quite a bit. It's been a while since I've logged in. I've been dating a wonderful man for 7 months now, and he is absolutely great. There's just one problem... He's vanilla,, and I am definitely not. I enjoy being dominated, and have explained that to him. Although he doesn't judge me for that, and has tried a few things that don't scare him too much (light choking and hair pulling), he's unwilling to try more in-depth domination. It's mostly quiet missionary sex. Although I love him dearly, I'm losing my mind. I do not want to break up or cheat, but those of you who enjoy being submissive will probably understand the need I feel. It's been 7 months. What can I do? Any ideas are appreciated.

If you want to stay with him, you need to work out a long term agreement that permits you to see other men for sexual domination (but nor emotional or romantic relationships).

 

[KarsynCurious]

Have you considered offering to share him with another girl? I mean, what man wouldn't jump at that?!? lol

 

[Passthebeer]

I would just accept that you're sexually incompatible. . .and that's a huge thing. I don't see how you could stay together and feel fulfilled instead of frustrated as you are now.

Next time, be honest about your sexual tastes much earlier in the relationship.

I think I'm with Sidney on this, reality is that sometimes people are not compatible in everyday. How would you react if the sex was magnificent but outside the bedroom he never met any of your needs. Sex is pretty important in a relationship specially if you are a lit member it might mean that this relationship will come to an end you are going to stray or drive yourself crazy

 

[mike_confident]

I'm only 18 so I have no clue what I'm talking about but why not have BOTH.

Play Led Zeppelin's "Babe I'm gonna leave you" during sex.

The song is based on musical Light and Shade contrasts that go back and forth.

When the song is soft and 'light' continue the vanilla sex. When the song gets heavy and dark, get rougher. When the song goes soft again return to vanilla sex. Repeat over and over...

Or watch a football game together with both vanilla/kinky rules. Every time a touchdown is scored he gets vanilla necking. But every time there's an interception he smacks and squeezes your ass really hard.

 

[smoothg103rd]

Make him angry call him a pussy tell him u last boyfriend was better and u fucked him last night go crazy on him but make it believable I guarantee that he choke the shit out of u

 

[GingerSnap3]

Thank you for all of the responses.

I am planning on continuing to try to make it work. I'm making compromises, and I'm willing to do that. I just hope he can meet me at least partway.

I don't think it's quite worth it to sacrifice a really good relationship because of this... I would kick myself for the rest of my life for letting him go.

 

[Heatseekher]

i may have missed this point in one of your answers....but is his reservation because he doesnt like it, doesnt understand it or ???

Just some random thoughts......
many of us like black and white situations, clarity. understanding what someone means, nit just the words but their meaning is important.
That relates to him understanding that this is a big turn on for you....i'd suggest that a considerate lover/partner would make some effort/baby steps to accommodate and try.....
However, someone who has been vanilla and has a perspective about right/wrong is unlikely to go from that to hanging you upside down and beating you ( example only!).....

Any chance that you could watch some porn together, of the variety that wouldnt scare him off but use that as a guide for you both....' oh that looks hot' type of thing?
Play the oh err nooo game - say that you've read in a magazine/book about being spanked/tried up - whatever and see what he feels about each thing - if its a err maybe, then you have a starting point, if its 'nooo' - then ask why he's opposed.....

I think somewhere along the line you have to create the right space to delve into his reluctance/disinterest and see if its just a misconception that you can overcome.

oh and if you havent, you can explain that there's a safe consenual way of doing rough sex or domination by use of safe words/traffic light etc etc ( if thats a concern of his)....

good luck!

 

[antietampw]

Thank you for all of the responses.

I am planning on continuing to try to make it work. I'm making compromises, and I'm willing to do that. I just hope he can meet me at least partway.

I don't think it's quite worth it to sacrifice a really good relationship because of this... I would kick myself for the rest of my life for letting him go.

I hope it works out for you. I don't have any great advice but you are willing to make compromises and it would be nice if he would at least explore (try) what makes you happy. I suspect he would be going so far outside his comfort zone that it is scary for him.

 

[GingerSnap3]

I hope it works out for you. I don't have any great advice but you are willing to make compromises and it would be nice if he would at least explore (try) what makes you happy. I suspect he would be going so far outside his comfort zone that it is scary for him.

I suspect the same.

 

[TheSeeker107]

Move quickly...

I come and go here quite a bit. It's been a while since I've logged in. I've been dating a wonderful man for 7 months now, and he is absolutely great. There's just one problem... He's vanilla,, and I am definitely not. I enjoy being dominated, and have explained that to him. Although he doesn't judge me for that, and has tried a few things that don't scare him too much (light choking and hair pulling), he's unwilling to try more in-depth domination. It's mostly quiet missionary sex. Although I love him dearly, I'm losing my mind. I do not want to break up or cheat, but those of you who enjoy being submissive will probably understand the need I feel. It's been 7 months. What can I do? Any ideas are appreciated.

My one piece of advice is to address this ASAP. It's hard to undo established sex roles. If the current situation continues for years or even just months it will be hard for him to treat you differently and give you what you need.

 

[Wiiling]

I suspect the same.

Ginger, my EX gf and I were in exactly the same situation. I can't tell you what will work for you, all I can do is share with you what didn't work for us. She was very sub and i'm mildly dom at best, but she wanted to be completely humiliated and dominated. She kept on asking me to really hurt her. There are fun ways and there are not so fun ways to "hurt" someone. In the end, she thought, like one of the replies here, that if she challenged my masculinity, i would be in the right frame of mind to "hurt"her. For the love of christ i beg you not to do that. Once you are challenging his masculinity, it all stops being fun and there is pure emotion and rage at play, and if he isn't as self controlled as I was, the results could be dire.

May I humbly suggest to you that you take baby steps, introduce something new and not quite so challenging each time, in time he may come around to liking the things you want. Then again maybe not, but if you love him, don't confront him, inspire him

Just my 2c, I hope it helps.

 

[GingerSnap3]

Ginger, my EX gf and I were in exactly the same situation. I can't tell you what will work for you, all I can do is share with you what didn't work for us. She was very sub and i'm mildly dom at best, but she wanted to be completely humiliated and dominated. She kept on asking me to really hurt her. There are fun ways and there are not so fun ways to "hurt" someone. In the end, she thought, like one of the replies here, that if she challenged my masculinity, i would be in the right frame of mind to "hurt"her. For the love of christ i beg you not to do that. Once you are challenging his masculinity, it all stops being fun and there is pure emotion and rage at play, and if he isn't as self controlled as I was, the results could be dire.

May I humbly suggest to you that you take baby steps, introduce something new and not quite so challenging each time, in time he may come around to liking the things you want. Then again maybe not, but if you love him, don't confront him, inspire him

Just my 2c, I hope it helps.

Thank you! I really appreciate the well thought out reply. I am trying. It is difficult, as we live somewhat far apart and only see each other on weekends right now. It'll be slow going, but I'm going to keep trying.

 

[Wiiling]

Thank you! I really appreciate the well thought out reply. I am trying. It is difficult, as we live somewhat far apart and only see each other on weekends right now. It'll be slow going, but I'm going to keep trying.

I'm happy to hear that There is a very fine line between erotic and kink and very often the bridge between the 2 is visual. So without knowing what you two already get up to, you could maybe try dressing as a slave and enticing him into your non vanilla world.