❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Wild_Honey_66]

I have my moments of both, but more commonly ego. One of the best cyber play i ever had though, that partner and i call it the "bitch play". I told her the only goal was to make me cry, so instead of a supportive friend i got the worst of the worst. Like if your no filter best friend hit the last straw and just unloaded on you. It was exactly what i needed. After the tears i realized that role play would be silly without sex, so we had a very porn movie esque sudden shift where the characters had sex lol

Kind of like emotional rape play?

 

[formertroll]

Kind of like emotional rape play?

Not sure if I'd describe it that way....in that play it was fiend wanted to vent but long time best friend had heard it all a thousand times and had no patience or tact lol

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Not sure if I'd describe it that way....in that play it was fiend wanted to vent but long time best friend had heard it all a thousand times and had no patience or tact lol

Ah, ok. Thank you for clarifying.

 

[Ed27R]

No one is saying that.

By that token, many of us, now that we’ve had it, can’t “put it on hold” ever again.

Cheers to that.

Let’s hope you never have to.

 

[Ed27R]

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

**It's me! My old account was hacked and deleted.

Sorry your account was hacked. That sucks.

Ego-stroking or something closer to that is much more natural for me. Caring for someone - caring for her - is satisfying in ways you just can’t experience on the other end of the spectrum - at least for me. Like others I am comfortable interacting or playing at the other end of the spectrum, to a degree, but it is not my natural inclination and only “works” for me as something that plays off my more natural tendency to ego-stroking.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Sorry I'm late! What'd I miss?

Only 5 questions! Plenty of time to catch up.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Only 5 questions! Plenty of time to catch up.

WOOT! *proceeds to get busy*

Not like that, you pervs!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc...

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

That's more than one question.

1. DO find a partner you like as a person, aside from their kink. Every kinky relationship is, first and foremost, a relationship.
2. DO be patient, flexible, and adaptable. It often pays off in the long run.
3. DO consider each new partner as a learning opportunity, even if the situation feels as though it doesn't end well.

4. DON'T tolerate anyone who continually oversteps your boundaries.
5. DON'T take every negative experience personally.
6. DON'T be afraid to try new things, even if they don't appeal initially.
7. DON'T assume that just because you hit a snag - even if it appears to be insurmountable at first glance - that you can't find a way through it, together. It's amazing what two people can achieve when they're focused on the same end goal.

I added one.

Limits? Sort of. #4
I learned them the hard way. Except for #7.
Of course I wish I'd had them earlier. But better late than never!


ETA: I stand corrected. I learned #7 the hard way, too. But it was well worth it.

 

[midwestyankee]

WOOT! *proceeds to get busy*

Not like that, you pervs!

Well, that's disappointing.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Well, that's disappointing.

You know I don't do that yucky stuff.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

That was really awesome, seela.Thank you for sharing.

Humiliation is a hard limit for me, but i saw a lot of myself in the rest of your post. How it makes you feel, how it builds you up.

So relateable. Thank you.

 

[seela]

That was really awesome, seela.Thank you for sharing.

Humiliation is a hard limit for me, but i saw a lot of myself in the rest of your post. How it makes you feel, how it builds you up.

So relateable. Thank you.

Glad you could relate. I feel like I just rehash what I've said many times over already whenever I try to post something more substantial than sharing a recipe.

What I wrote reads way too sappy and "therapy-esque" for my likings, though.

Humiliation for me is really about getting my rocks off, but it can and occasionally does make me feel those other things that I wrote about as well. But mostly I just like being made to feel shitty I suppose.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Glad you could relate. I feel like I just rehash what I've said many times over already whenever I try to post something more substantial than sharing a recipe.

What I wrote reads way too sappy and "therapy-esque" for my likings, though.

Humiliation for me is really about getting my rocks off, but it can and occasionally does make me feel those other things that I wrote about as well. But mostly I just like being made to feel shitty I suppose.

It might be 'rehashed' but still be useful (?) for those (like me) that haven't seen the other posts for whatever reasons.

 

[Miles Long]

Thursday Question:

(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?


**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**

Negotiations vary based on how well I know the person, how much we've played before, and what we are looking to get out of the current scene. I usually approach a scene thinking about what are the things we want to do and/or accomplish as opposed to running through a laundry list of things to rule out. For example, if I'm setting up a flogging scene where the bottom wants bruises or to be brought to tears, I feel like that's pretty specific and we probably don't need to talk about whether scat is in or out.

I also bring up aftercare before the play to get a sense for what the bottom typically needs. For whatever reason, the people I've played with have usually not wanted much aftercare. I often need a little bit of aftercare, usually in the form of a good hug and some small talk afterwards. We discuss all these things before the scene. And then I always check in a day or two after to see how things are going.

I should also mention I'm happy to do more exhaustive negotiations for someone who likes to do it that way. And when it comes to aftercare I think different people need different things, and that's why it's important to talk about it. I try not to go into it thinking "aftercare has to look like *this*" and more like "what does my partner need from me in that moment".

 

[Miles Long]

Monday Question:

How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?

1. Extremely critical
2. I could not be happy in a romantic relationship that did not include kink.
3. It is not just sex but a larger sense of how I see myself and how I feel at my best. In fact, the excitement of kinky sex pales in comparison to the excitement of the larger emotional, intellectual, and intimacy aspects of kink relationships. But kinky sex is still also the best sex. But vanilla sex can be really hot when within a kink-strong relationship.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Ya'll blow my mind with your thoughtful answers!
I'll have mine up soon.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

1. Critical. It's pretty much a hard limit.
2. Doubtful. BTDT, it's unsatisfying, frustrating, and in the end, it's not enough.
3. It's an integral part of who I am.

...In fact, the excitement of kinky sex pales in comparison to the excitement of the larger emotional, intellectual, and intimacy aspects of kink relationships...

Agreed.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Ya'll blow my mind with your thoughtful answers!
I'll have mine up soon.

I like your new AV.

 

[Ed27R]

Glad you could relate. I feel like I just rehash what I've said many times over already whenever I try to post something more substantial than sharing a recipe.

What I wrote reads way too sappy and "therapy-esque" for my likings, though.

Humiliation for me is really about getting my rocks off, but it can and occasionally does me feel those other things that I wrote about as well. But mostly I just like being made to feel shitty I suppose.

I really enjoyed what you wrote. Sometimes it is more complicated but sometimes it just is what it is and how it makes us feel!

 

[puppett]

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

**It's me! My old account was hacked and deleted.

I prefer being made to feel good/better. I feel pretty humiliated in normal life just being me, idk if that is what you mean? Lots of insecurities.

In play i prefer some one who takes my insecurities and makes them ok or even valued...

 

[cookiecat]

I prefer being made to feel good/better. I feel pretty humiliated in normal life just being me, idk if that is what you mean? Lots of insecurities.

In play i prefer some one who takes my insecurities and makes them ok or even valued...

Someone who wants to take the time to get in my head, crack apart the puzzle pieces and figure out how to make me wet, make me cry, make me feel vulnerable and softer somehow feels right. I want someone to take away that ego/pride/stubborn streak that keeps me from connecting. Sometimes that process is difficult and ugly. The outcome, though, is good.

But it's getting to the point of admitting we have these insecurities and feeling safe enough to share them.

I really enjoyed what you wrote. Sometimes it is more complicated but sometimes it just is what it is and how it makes us feel!

Ain't this the truth?? Sometimes it just feels good.

 

[midwestyankee]

Totally seela's bolded parts. Someone who wants to take the time to get in my head, crack apart the puzzle pieces and figure out how to make me wet, make me cry, make me feel vulnerable and softer somehow feels right. I want someone to take away that ego/pride/stubborn streak that keeps me from connecting. Sometimes that process is difficult and ugly. The outcome, though, is good.

It's interesting that in both seela's and puppet's posts, the end result is the same. To feel valued about our insecurities. Maybe getting to that point looks different for each of us. But it's getting to the point of admitting we have these insecurities and feeling safe enough to share them.



Ain't this the truth?? Sometimes it just feels good.

Bolded: this is what still interests me, what makes this interesting, challenging, intellectuall6 and psychologically satisfying.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Bolded: this is what still interests me, what makes this interesting, challenging, intellectuall6 and psychologically satisfying.

Yank

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

cookie said:

Someone who wants to take the time to get in my head, crack apart the puzzle pieces and figure out how to make me wet, make me cry, make me feel vulnerable and softer somehow feels right. I want someone to take away that ego/pride/stubborn streak that keeps me from connecting. Sometimes that process is difficult and ugly. The outcome, though, is good.

I want this, too. Though what stands in the way, for me, is fear and distrust.

(Which is why humiliation doesn't work)