❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[formertroll]

not really sure what the question was anymore but I love psychological play. the pushing of emotional buttons (either as giver or receiver) to the point where visceral reactions overwhelm as a preface to emotional orgasms. something about being so close to someone that they can bring you tears of hurt/joy within moments of each other just brings the sexual tension to the surface. idk, it sounds awful but it's hard to describe if you haven't been there.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

not really sure what the question was anymore but I love psychological play. the pushing of emotional buttons (either as giver or receiver) to the point where visceral reactions overwhelm as a preface to emotional orgasms. something about being so close to someone that they can bring you tears of hurt/joy within moments of each other just brings the sexual tension to the surface. idk, it sounds awful but it's hard to describe if you haven't been there.

Funny you should mention that. As I wrote my post, I was thinking about something that happened recently, similar to what you described. Not all of it, but some of it.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

Goodness, I have LOVED the discussion here. And I can say that this is one instance where things everyone has said has made me feel totally normalized.

I'm glad I framed this questions as a scale because I think we all slide up and down it.

For me the "humiliation/emotional play" is incredibly enticing and powerful. It's a depth of connection that not everyone can create (literally only one person for me). It requires connection and trust to let someone see me so vulnerable and raw. If I don't believe you can pick me up and put me together, I won't let you come close enough to break me a little.

This is probably the one kink I have that 1. I'm most ashamed of and 2. It's the hardest to find a partner for. To say you want someone to make you cry, yeah people don't get it! And I totally understand. I don't really get it. And this kind of play goes far beyond "name calling". While I love that it takes a lot more than calling me a bitch to break me. I'm also "bad at feelings" - I find it very difficult to express myself in this way and so being pushed in blurting things or confessing things is almost therapeutic (?)
On the other end - ego stroking - I love to do this FOR my partner. I love to tell him every single way he/she is amazing, sexy, powerful, and desirable. I want to be the type of person that leaves people feeling better about themselves (just in life, not in sex) and so this just naturally flows for me.

But, being transparent here, I find that one can feed the other. When I put someone on a pedestal and make them feel like they hung the moon, I often worry that it's the way I make them feel instead of the way they feel about me that keeps them coming back.

For me this sliding scale is all about effort. Am I worth the effort? Are you willing to put in the effort for the payoff?

Would love for someone to explain my weirdness to me.
plp

 

[Angedesoleil]

I'm quiet on the topic this week, because this is a topic I haven't gotten myself figured out on yet. I think, as uncomfortable as tgis is at the moment, I'm most akin to Honey right now.

I'll admit a part of me is curious how I'd react if someone I trusted deeply enough, was smart enough to see past parts of me ... the way several people describe it ... is intriguing, but at the same time flat out terrifying. I can't honestly say I know. I wish I had half a clue what it looked like... So thank you to everyone. I appreciated this question even if it left me with new questions rather than answers.


Seela: your bit about am I worth the effort. ... this is huge for me. The whole acceptance of flaws as well. Not just acceptance, appreciation of even.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Humiliation only works for me with trust.

 

[LizVegas79]

Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.

Do -
1.
2.
3.

Do Not -
1.
2.
3.

Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

Do's:
1. Getting tied up - because I love being forced to surrender and not knowing for sure what might happen next. I get lost in all the possibilities - did he invite his friends to come over? Is he going to leave me there for the Fed Ex guy to find? OMG! Who's that knocking on the door?!!

2. Tying him, or another woman up - as much as I love being helpless I also love being in absolute, total control of someone else's pleasure and pain. But I'm not into inflicting too much pain. I like to stop just short of leaving permanent marks.

3. Being called names and calling someone else names. Also, being helplessly outnumbered.

Don'ts:

1. Anything to do with kids. (but relatives like nieces, nephews, over 18 step kids is fine and actually pretty hot - I would love to "punish" one of my husbands' nieces in particular for being so pretty and self-absorbed

2. ANYTHING to do with poo or pee or blood - yuck!

3. Now that I'm married, fooling around without his permission.

 

[cascadiabound]

Thursday Question:

What are your top 3 Do's and Don'ts of kink?
How would you best describe your personal philosophy/style of BDSM and why? I'm not looking for the rules we should all know (i.e. consent, communication, etc.) but your individual outlook, lessons learned etc.


Do these include your limits? How did you learn these things about yourself? Do you wish you'd had these guideposts earlier?

DO:
1. Like so many others have said - communicate communicate communicate. AND Relax... this is about having fun. Experiencing stuff together.
2. Expect to be surprised. By things you feel and experience. By things you did not know you would like. By things you did not know would make you upset or bring things to the surface.
3. Allow plenty of time for aftercare and post conversation. This is something I have been learning that I need more of and have sometimes not allowed enough time for both for myself and my partner. Dom Drop is a real thing. In my experience, the D's need as much aftercare as us subby types.

DO NOT:
1. Fuck with me, my real life, my job, my privacy, ghost me, go silent on me, emotionally abuse me, manipulate me, use my kink or my history against me, undermine me or misrepresent who you are or how you are able to interact with me.
2. Blood, scat, pee, kids, animals, age play, anything illegal, anything that makes permanent marks, play with me while in an altered state or want me to be in an altered state.
3. Assume that just because you have figured stuff out right now, that everything is solved. Stay flexible. Things change. Don't get stuck on labels.

 

[PuckIt]

New Question:

There seems to be a spectrum from 'humiliation' to 'ego-stroking'. Do you have experience from either end of the scale? Where do you prefer your interactions/scenes/play? Is one more natural for you?

**It's me! My old account was hacked and deleted.

***humming***

Oops. Hi!

Alright, so I admit that I've been lurking for a bit. Pretty much since the question this week posted. But, I really didn't think I had anything to say on the subject.

Of course, me being me, I couldn't help but think about it.

And alright, so somewhere in the neighborhood of sixteen or seventeen times, I've actually started a response that I then erased without submitting. (And I will neither confirm nor deny that the longest might have reached two lit screens when I clicked out. )

Whatever little wisdom I might actually possess still tells me it would be better for me to use my hands to light another smoke and scroll on rather than typing. But, I've been getting prodded gently from various directions to step up to the batter's box again. So, fine. Here we go.

I think that the original terminology of the question was just slightly off and off-putting for some. *shrug* I don't know. It could have just been me and my interpretation of the terms "humiliation" and "ego-stroking."

And my knee-jerk response was; "I most certainly don't do either!"

Only... Well, I maybe, kind of, sort of, do. IF the terminology can be stretched slightly to the right of where it is.

The thing is, sex (of any sort) is really just kind of a fucked up deal. The physical plays a part. The mental plays a part. And the emotional plays a part. And if any of it gets bent out of whack, then it throws a curve into the banana-rang.


Ok. So, backing up the crazy train for just a minute. We're born and, if we don't have any birth defects, the machine has what it needs to work. But, we're pretty much a one-trick pony from the moment of foaling when it comes to emotive responses.

Hurt? Cry.

Hungry? Cry.


Full diaper? Cry.


Lonely? Cry.


Scared? Fill the diaper and then see above.


But, then we start getting "socialized" and some jackass takes a monkey-wrench to the works.

"You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about!"

"Crybaby!"

Or, in many ways worse, just being ignored.


We are taught that to act from emotion is wrong. Ergo, emotions are wrong. But, the thing is, we can't do diddly squat about the emotions happening in the first place. So, instead, we learn to squash them and hide them. Which, alright, may not be a bad thing since I've been around enough toddlers in my time that my mind absolutely quails at a full grown man or woman still acting like that.


But, here's the thing. The emotions are still real and are still there. Some tightly controlled people may not even realize they are feeling them, or know what to do about it if they even do, but the emotions are still there.


So,... And keep in mind that this is just my theory... But, what I think happens is that the emotions and the thinking get in the way of the physical when it comes to sex. And kind of fucks up grooving on the purely physical vibe.

At this point, certain people need something to crack the egg, to help them get rid of all the shit getting in the way. Sometimes they need those humiliating things pointed out to them, to recognize that even as they think these things are true, someone sees them as they see themselves and still wants them. Other times, they need to hear some positive. Something to explain why the person wants them.

So, yeah. My initial reflex was that I don't do either. Because my thought process was that I won't say anything untrue. Only... Well, upon mature reflection, I do tend to address those needs in my lover, I do tend to give them what they need to open out like the flower they are and surrender to everything they are and everything they can be.

But, I don't know that I can say I fall somewhere specific on the scale or anything. I mean, I've pretty much been guided by what my lover needed me to do to get her where she needed to go. IF that makes any sense. And sometimes that has been letting her know that I see her flaws and mistakes and love her anyway. And sometimes that has been hammering home her good qualities over and over and over until she is finally able to accept that I think they are true. Eh... usually, some of both.


Any road, I know it's kind of late in the game, and we're supposed to be having another question on the floor in a few hours. But, I just thought I'd toss that out there after reading through some of the answers to the question that had milder questions of their own whether they were phrased or not. *shrug* And maybe somebody smarter than me will come along and clear up what I fucked up. Because in retrospect all of that may be so much bullshit. And it may be nothing more complex, or simpler, than just being afraid of being rejected and learning to trust that they won't be.

But, either way, I've tossed my nickel.


***wanders off in search of something else to give a Puck about***

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Fuck. Ya'll are amazing and intelligent and so willing to share! I promise a lighter question this week to make up for that hard one!

Welcome to all the new people catching up! I'm loving all your answers!

If you have any discussion ideas, PLEASE PM me! I only have a few more in reserve.


plp

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#6

New Week, New Question!

Something a little lighter?
Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you? What term or phrase do you just not understand? Is there one that makes you laugh? Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term?

I think we may all learn some new words!

 

[midwestyankee]

It’s not, strictly speaking, a BDSM term, but my favorite sex-related word of all time is queef.

 

[cookiecat]

It’s not, strictly speaking, a BDSM term, but my favorite sex-related word of all time is queef.

I HATE this word!

Onomatopoeia

 

[cookiecat]

New Week, New Question!

Something a little lighter?
Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you? What term or phrase do you just not understand? Is there one that makes you laugh? Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term?

I think we may all learn some new words!

The #1 word? Worship.

I love watersports! Who knew it wasn't water skiing?

Consentual non/consent is hard for me to wrap my brain around.

Learning the difference between Dom/Top and sub/bottom.

Negotiating was a difficult concept to understand in the beginning - I didn't realize Dominants weren't mind readers.

Great question!!

 

[Paul_Chance]

I don't think I really have an favorite words in BDSM, though I think overall the vocabulary is quite impressive (and on a humorous note, I think some folks spend way to much time thinking up words. )

 

[seela]

Consentual non/consent is hard for me to wrap my brain around.

Me too.

It's been suggested to me that it might be because of my doormatty leanings. With certain people it just does not compute to me to not consent and say yes, so CNC is hard for me to grasp.

I've been kicking around a couple of questions regarding CNC. We'll see if I ever actually get around starting a thread.

 

[formertroll]

Me too.

It's been suggested to me that it might be because of my doormatty leanings. With certain people it just does not compute to me to not consent and say yes, so CNC is hard for me to grasp.

I've been kicking around a couple of questions regarding CNC. We'll see if I ever actually get around starting a thread.

No better time than the present

 

[cookiecat]

Me too.

It's been suggested to me that it might be because of my doormatty leanings. With certain people it just does not compute to me to not consent and say yes, so CNC is hard for me to grasp.

I've been kicking around a couple of questions regarding CNC. We'll see if I ever actually get around starting a thread.

doooooooooooooooooooo it!!!

 

[seela]

No better time than the present

doooooooooooooooooooo it!!!

I wouldn't have much time to actually participate and follow the discussion, so I don't think I'll start the thread right now.

Maybe once I get the school/work/beer life in balance again.

 

[Ed27R]

Hmm... I am not sure I have a word that perfectly captures something in BDSM for me. However, I would say one of my favorites is cum-slut. Assuming she is, you know,slutty for my cum.

As for something I don’t understand: Gor. That stuff will permanently remain a mystery to me.

I can’t think of anything that doesn’t have a word/phrase that I enjoy. There are some seriously kinky people out there haveing done it a lot longer than me. They have thought about and done anything I could think of and much more!

 

[AlwaysFara]

I don’t get topping from the bottom.

 

[formertroll]

I don’t get topping from the bottom.

I'm looking forward to someone explaining this. I do it, or so they say, but idk what it means.

 

[cascadiabound]

I'm looking forward to someone explaining this. I do it, or so they say, but idk what it means.

Topping from the Bottom....
When you contradict or try to undermine a decision already made by your D. without a valid reason (just cause you want it - kind of like a kid wheedling their dad for something after mom already said no).
When you ignore a request or command by pretending you did not hear it.
Asking "what do I get out of doing x?" Because submission isn't about pleasing you directly. Conditional submission is topping from the bottom and should not exist, you either submit or you don't. What you get in return is up to your D. Negotiating this in the beginning of the relationship is critical.
Pulling away or withdrawing from physical contact, because typically in a D/s relationship, you have given over control of your body to your D. Removing yourself from the situation is topping from the bottom.
Saying "no". Obviously, as a submissive, you have the right to say no (safewords and etc must always be available), but if the D gives you a reasonable request and it is within your negotiated terms to do, then you shouldn't say no. Inconveniencing you isn't a valid excuse. "I don't want to" is also not okay and is another way to top from the bottom - or simply being a brat.

 

[cascadiabound]

New Week, New Question!

Something a little lighter?
Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you? What term or phrase do you just not understand? Is there one that makes you laugh? Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term?

I think we may all learn some new words!

rope bunny seems a perfect term for those people (like me) who really like rope play. And it makes me laugh too.

Like others, I have tried to wrap my head around CNC/ rape play stuff and I just can't do it.

I dislike the terms wife slut and cum dump. these seem degrading too me.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Topping from the Bottom....
When you contradict or try to undermine a decision already made by your D. without a valid reason (just cause you want it - kind of like a kid wheedling their dad for something after mom already said no).
When you ignore a request or command by pretending you did not hear it.
Asking "what do I get out of doing x?" Because submission isn't about pleasing you directly. Conditional submission is topping from the bottom and should not exist, you either submit or you don't. What you get in return is up to your D. Negotiating this in the beginning of the relationship is critical.
Pulling away or withdrawing from physical contact, because typically in a D/s relationship, you have given over control of your body to your D. Removing yourself from the situation is topping from the bottom.
Saying "no". Obviously, as a submissive, you have the right to say no (safewords and etc must always be available), but if the D gives you a reasonable request and it is within your negotiated terms to do, then you shouldn't say no. Inconveniencing you isn't a valid excuse. "I don't want to" is also not okay and is another way to top from the bottom - or simply being a brat.

What about deciding a certain sexual position and then both kind of midway agreeing to go with something else?

 

[cascadiabound]

What about deciding a certain sexual position and then both kind of midway agreeing to go with something else?

That does not seem to me to be topping from the bottom. IMO.