24/7

[BiBunny]

I've been thinking about this lately and decided to post it here. If you're in a 24/7 relationship, how did you know that you and your PYL/pyl were ready for it? If you're one of those people who would like to be in a 24/7 relationship someday, how will you know? I apologize if my wording is odd or offensive, but I can't figure out how to put what's in my mind on the page right now.

For the record, this is an entirely hypothetical situation. I know that I'm not ready for 24/7 right now, and I may never be. I'm just curious about how others decided it was right for them. (Those who've decided it isn't right for you, please feel free to chime in, too, and tell me how you decided it isn't what you wanted.) Everyone's opinions are welcome!

 

[ownedsubgal]

well sometimes it's not a matter of necessarily being "ready", but of there simply being no other tolerable options. for some people, anything less than a "24/7" D/s relationship is just pointless, a waste of time, unfulfilling, a joke, etc. my Master and i are two of those people. our relationship seems to be atypical in the D/s world...he started off as my mentor...then literally overnight we became Master and slave, with no in-between phase of dating, or Dom/sub, or anything else. one day he was a friend and mentor, and the next he was the man who owned me and controlled my fate. that's because we both had/have a need for a 24/7 dynamic, and specifically a Master/slave dynamic...therefore, once we knew we were right for one another...why waste time with anything else? i could never be remotely happy or satisfied in a D/s relationship that was not full-time/24-7, and that was not baesd in ownership. i knew this from the very beginning, it was just one of those empty spots in the soul that i knew could only be filled by the control and reality that such a life provides. so, i never had any epiphany. i never had to search within to know if i was "ready" for 24/7. i just always knew that nothing else would do.

 

[serijules]

What is your definition of 24/7?

Ma'am and I consider my relationship to her to be 24/7 even though we are long distance, because my role never shuts off. I am always her slave, even when I am not actively acting as such (when we have company, are at other people's houses, am living my everyday job and life). Her expectations are always the same and I am always in that mindset in some way or another. I don't often (if ever really) say I am ina 24/7 relationship because most people would not understand what I am referring to without me going into a long detailed explanation of how the dynamics of our relationship work.

Not sure what other insight I can give really. I was ready for that when she collared me, as both of us place much significance on being collared. It means I am owned, and there is no shutting that off. Period. If either of us had wanted anything less, I wouldn't be collared.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For me it was fairly simple, I didn't want anything less than 24/7 from the beginning and so went in search of that. It is something in me where often if I find something which speaks to my soul, I put my all and more into it and anything less seems too much of a compromise to hold my attention or devotion for long...and so it is.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

What is your definition of 24/7?

Ma'am and I consider my relationship to her to be 24/7 even though we are long distance, because my role never shuts off. I am always her slave, even when I am not actively acting as such (when we have company, are at other people's houses, am living my everyday job and life). Her expectations are always the same and I am always in that mindset in some way or another. I don't often (if ever really) say I am ina 24/7 relationship because most people would not understand what I am referring to without me going into a long detailed explanation of how the dynamics of our relationship work.

Not sure what other insight I can give really. I was ready for that when she collared me, as both of us place much significance on being collared. It means I am owned, and there is no shutting that off. Period. If either of us had wanted anything less, I wouldn't be collared.

Thanks for pointing this out to me. For some reason, it didn't even cross my mind in the initial posting. I consider myself Master's slave 24/7 as well, even though we are (sort of) long-distance. I should've said, "How do you know when you're ready for a live-in sort of 24/7 relationship?" I knew what I meant; it just wouldn't come out right!

For me it was fairly simple, I didn't want anything less than 24/7 from the beginning and so went in search of that. It is something in me where often if I find something which speaks to my soul, I put my all and more into it and anything less seems too much of a compromise to hold my attention or devotion for long...and so it is.

Catalina

This makes perfect sense to me. I am very much like this, too. If there's something I really love, I can't do it halfway. That's why one day I hope to be able to have a live-in type 24/7 relationship. At this point in my life, I know I'm not ready. I admire you for knowing what you wanted and not compromising on it.

 

[serijules]

Thanks for pointing this out to me. For some reason, it didn't even cross my mind in the initial posting. I consider myself Master's slave 24/7 as well, even though we are (sort of) long-distance. I should've said, "How do you know when you're ready for a live-in sort of 24/7 relationship?" I knew what I meant; it just wouldn't come out right!

I figured as much, but thought it would be a good point to clarify.

 

[chris9]

I have to confess I'm a bit confused.
Are you asking about when it's right to move in with each other? I thought from your first post it was more about giving up power in all areas of life, as that for me means 24/7. Distance is not the important part to me for that definition, neither is the Master/slave vs. Dom/sub thing. I pretty much thought about it as the opposite to 'in the bedroom'.

 

[BiBunny]

I think maybe the question is a bit of both. In truth, when I started the thread, I probably did lean more to the "When is it time to live together?" side of the question. Now that I think about it, though, "When is it time to give up power in all areas of your life?" is a good question, too. Does that help?

(In other words, answer the damn question like you want to because Bunny has confused herself so much that she has no idea what she's asking anymore! )

 

[chris9]

I think maybe the question is a bit of both. In truth, when I started the thread, I probably did lean more to the "When is it time to live together?" side of the question. Now that I think about it, though, "When is it time to give up power in all areas of your life?" is a good question, too. Does that help?

(In other words, answer the damn question like you want to because Bunny has confused herself so much that she has no idea what she's asking anymore! )

Ok, great. But, everybody, if you do answer any question, please post the question you're answering as well, so we know what you're talking about.

The 'when to live together' question: I have experience with one vanilla relationship. I really wanted to try out living together, sort of talked him into it, at the time circumstances where such that we could do so without problems.

The 'when to give up power in all areas of your life' question has to await its answer until I figure out if I actually want to give up power in all areas of my life, or in which.

 

[Bandit58]

Ok, great. But, everybody, if you do answer any question, please post the question you're answering as well, so we know what you're talking about.

The 'when to live together' question: I have experience with one vanilla relationship. I really wanted to try out living together, sort of talked him into it, at the time circumstances where such that we could do so without problems.

The 'when to give up power in all areas of your life' question has to await its answer until I figure out if I actually want to give up power in all areas of my life, or in which.

Master and I have been living together for almost 3 years, and there are things that I haven't given up control over. I control my own money and we have separate accounts. I decide what I'm going to wear, although He will indicate a preference for a certain outfit if we are going somewhere special or with a BDSM flavour. I get to decide what to watch on TV and I don't give up control of the remote lightly! I'm not micro managed in any way shape or form.

It's hard for me to say what I have actually given up control in, because I'm a naturally submissive person anyway. I love to submit in the bedroom, that's a given. I serve Him as His carer, lover, partner and soon-to-be-wife. I do as He asks, when He asks. There is nothing set in stone.

 

[BiBunny]

Master and I have been living together for almost 3 years, and there are things that I haven't given up control over. I control my own money and we have separate accounts. I decide what I'm going to wear, although He will indicate a preference for a certain outfit if we are going somewhere special or with a BDSM flavour. I get to decide what to watch on TV and I don't give up control of the remote lightly! I'm not micro managed in any way shape or form.

It's hard for me to say what I have actually given up control in, because I'm a naturally submissive person anyway. I love to submit in the bedroom, that's a given. I serve Him as His carer, lover, partner and soon-to-be-wife. I do as He asks, when He asks. There is nothing set in stone.

I see this being me sometime in the future. Thank you for sharing.

 

[FurryFury]

I might like that in the future. It would take being with a person that wanted that as well.

Fury

 

[Etoile]

Ma'am and I consider my relationship to her to be 24/7 even though we are long distance, because my role never shuts off. I am always her slave, even when I am not actively acting as such (when we have company, are at other people's houses, am living my everyday job and life). Her expectations are always the same and I am always in that mindset in some way or another. I don't often (if ever really) say I am ina 24/7 relationship because most people would not understand what I am referring to without me going into a long detailed explanation of how the dynamics of our relationship work.

This applies to me too. Many people do not understand how a long-distance relationship can be 24/7. Like serijules says, it's about the mindset - of both partners - existing 24/7.

For me, I can't imagine anything less. Or rather I can, and it just isn't enough for me. I always seek that full control. When my Daddy was apathetic for a while, I tried hard to "force" em back to a mindset of 24/7. It wasn't effective, and I tried to adjust my expectations to a bedroom-only type relationship. It didn't work, I wasn't happy, I still needed more. So we have achieved a sort of middle ground, but we are on the 24/7 side of things. I am given certain freedoms and independent choices, but I am always in service and always submissive.

Added: Whoops, sorry! That was mostly in answer to the first question. As for being ready for live-in 24/7, well that's very simple. The answer is that if life circumstances permitted us to live together, we would be live-in 24/7. I don't really see a distinction - if you are already long distance 24/7, you would still be so if you moved in together. Moving in doesn't take away from the pre-existing 24/7.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not getting into a discussion of one way is better than the other, but I learned a valuable lesson 4 years ago when F and I were in separate countries and trying unsuccessfully to organise a plan to be in the one country, one house, together. There always seemed to be another obstacle, another reason why we couldn't arrange it right now but were working on it, then a former Dom I had talked to and was chatting to online one night about all the frustrations we were having in making this happen said simply, 'If you really want to be together, if you really want to make it happen, just do it instead of worrying about the details and finding reasons not to...if you don't, you really don't want it enough'.

I spoke to F about it, we both voiced our frustrations and desires, and the next day he had me booked on a flight to be with him. For us, we had the 24/7 mindset, but it didn't compare to having it and being together in RL 24/7 with all the good and bad, mundane as well as fun points, basic living together and sharing everything together 24/7. Initially it was meant for me to spend 3-4 weeks with him, then come back and get organised (we were already married), but we found once we were together we couldn't bear to be separated indefinately again so I extended my stay by about 4 months, then returned home for a pre-specified 6 weeks maximum during which time I had to clear up my house, sell it, finalise the sale, sell my car, pack and arrange shipping of my and my son's belongings, finalise all my financial and business arrangements in Oz, find homes for my pets, say goodbye to everyone, and fly back. LOL, I was still finalising stuff on the way to the airport, but for us we couldn't see it any other way, it just wasn't enough. The lesson I learned was sometimes we waste too much precious time and energy looking at the problems and obstacles in life instead of just doing what is necessary and in our hearts.

Catalina

 

[serijules]

I'm not getting into a discussion of one way is better than the other, but I learned a valuable lesson 4 years ago when F and I were in separate countries and trying unsuccessfully to organise a plan to be in the one country, one house, together. There always seemed to be another obstacle, another reason why we couldn't arrange it right now but were working on it, then a former Dom I had talked to and was chatting to online one night about all the frustrations we were having in making this happen said simply, 'If you really want to be together, if you really want to make it happen, just do it instead of worrying about the details and finding reasons not to...if you don't, you really don't want it enough'.

Catalina

I agree that it's definately not the same, but it can (and does for us) exist despite the distance.

As for "really don't want it enough"...I disagree. Everyone has different values and beliefs regarding their responsibilities in life versus their desires. That doesn't mean they desire to be together any less.

 

[JMohegan]

I've been thinking about this lately and decided to post it here. If you're in a 24/7 relationship, how did you know that you and your PYL/pyl were ready for it? If you're one of those people who would like to be in a 24/7 relationship someday, how will you know?

Great question.

But, everybody, if you do answer any question, please post the question you're answering as well, so we know what you're talking about.

Good suggestion.

When it comes to D/s, it's 24/7 or nothing for me.

To me, a "24/7 relationship" means one in which there is no signal or on/off switch to launch the D/s dynamic. A 24/7 partner of mine cedes control over physical activity and some non-bedroom aspects of the relationship, and does so on a round-the-clock basis for the duration of the partnership.

TPE, LDR, or Internet do not apply here, simply because I have never had an interest in those types of relationships.

We are ready for a 24/7 relationship only after:

1 - We have been dating for a while in order to check for & develop personal compatibility. Do we enjoy each other's company? Get along well with each other's family and friends? Have compatible personalities, senses of humor, ethics? Etc. A D/s partner of mine is more than just a partner for sex & SM play, and general compatibility is therefore very important to me.

2 - She has developed trust and respect for me as an individual and a dominant male.

3 - I have developed trust and respect for her as an individual, and concluded that her needs & particular flavor of submissiveness would be well-suited to my needs and future goals for the relationship.

4 - We have engaged in extensive discussions over the meaning of control, limits, etc., and reached agreement on appropriate boundaries for our relationship.

5 - I have extended an offer of a D/s relationship, and she has accepted.

 

[catalina_francisco]

When it comes to D/s, it's 24/7 or nothing for me.

To me, a "24/7 relationship" means one in which there is no signal or on/off switch to launch the D/s dynamic. A 24/7 partner of mine cedes control over physical activity and some non-bedroom aspects of the relationship, and does so on a round-the-clock basis for the duration of the partnership.

This is also how 24/7 is for us which is why we could not deal with the short separation we endured. It was not that we didn't have the right mindset or that I was free to do my own thing while we were apart because I wasn't and the mindset was well in place, but it was the little everyday things like family, doing for and serving him, being physically together in all ways which got to us when we couldn't share that. It is often those little everyday things which break a relationship, vanilla or D/s, when it is RL 24/7 as opposed to LDR. While you have the mindset while apart, you also have space and don't have to deal 24/7 with the small things, the learning to live together and face everything together, the compromises, the never having that time out to choose when you do something which is asked, the continual service day in, day out....believe me, there are days when I am excessively tired or unwell when I just don't feel like getting up after just sitting down to get him the 10th cup of coffee for the day he just requested...but that option isn't there and it isn't just for a short time, it is around the clock, around the calendar.

While I respect the choice of some to maintain 24/7 at a distance, there is in some ways IMHO less pressure, though there are other concerns also. Despite that, I wouldn't want to go back to the LD thing. I wouldn't like the thought of someone else being there if he was in hospital, making the decisions in a life/death situation or caring for him, not physically sharing all the good and bad moments, not waking up to each other and being the last thing each of us sees each day, not sleeping together holding hands or hugging, not sharing all the everyday things that we do as a couple...it just doesn't seem complete enough for me. Both are hard work, just different.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

As for "really don't want it enough"...I disagree. Everyone has different values and beliefs regarding their responsibilities in life versus their desires. That doesn't mean they desire to be together any less.

*applauds wildly*

I guess I almost find "doesn't want it enough" to be a little insulting, a sort of "subbier than thou" kind of thing.

It especially doesn't apply to those of us in poly relationships.

 

[Shaq]

What is a mentor and what do they do in the BDSM context?

 

[SpectreT]

Q: What is 24/7 to you?

A: My knee-jerk response is, "unrealistic". But that comes from the fact that to me, the connotations of the phrase "24/7" indicate a totality that would make real life difficult if not impossible. Total slavery of a kind that can't even look normal to someone outside the relationship. That's not the reality that many people who call their relationships "24/7" are talking about, though, and the fact I still have that knee-jerk reaction is kind of insulting to them, I'm sure. I admit, I do feel bad about it, but I won't lie about it being there.

Q: Interesting, but you dodged the question. What does it mean to you?

A: Intellectually, when you strip away that pre-thought reaction, I still don't like the phrase. It seems disingenuous to me. Are the partners in physical proximity every moment of every day? If not, then the phrase "24/7" can go right out the window. You can feel something 24/7, sure, but you're not relating 24/7. If you loosen that strictness, it goes the other way; every relationship is 24/7, if you eliminate the idea that they have to be in the same room working on the relationship the whole time, and instead claim that it's about what the partners in that relationship feel.

It gets more convoluted. Everything I put my mind to does, eventually. Including people. What I generally understand "24/7" to mean, when fellow kinksters use the phrase, is that they feel they're always "in role", or that there's no role to be in, they just are. That in their relationship there are "standing orders", for when the PYL isn't physically present, and the pyl acts as though their PYL is there anyway.

"24/7" is just a messy phrase that begs for misunderstanding, is what it boils down to, for me.

Q: Well, let's use that "understood" definition, for now. Are you now, or have you ever been part of, or ready for, a "24/7" relationship?

A: Have you no shame, Senator? Okay, McCarthy jokes aside, the "understood" definition of "24/7" could never work for me, I don't think. I'm not sure I have the mental and emotional endurance to accept so much submission on a permanent basis, nor give it. I'd eventually feel restless, feel the need to exercise the rest of my persona.

Ideally, I could find a relationship where my partner was adaptable, like me, and we could switch as we felt restless. Or a poly relationship, with me in the middle of the power dynamic. I'm not ruling that out, either.

 

[BiBunny]

SpectreT, I agree that 24/7 is a kind of unwieldy term, but I couldn't think of anything better at the time, LOL. It's also quite open to interpretation. I think maybe that's what I wanted from the thread, though.

I like your example of two switches in a relationship. Master and I both switch, though he leans much more to the Dominant end of the spectrum, and I lean to the submissive end. My topping him at some point is not something he's ruled out. He actually encourages me to, but we both acknowledge that I'm not ready for it yet. I see it as something happening in the future, particularly if the relationship turned, to use the wretched term again, 24/7.

 

[Netzach]

It means I have the prerogative to use...or not use...my property at will.

A slave is ready for that when he's willing to accept those terms. Not enough domination? Too much domination? Caveat slave, I guess.

 

[BiBunny]

It means I have the prerogative to use...or not use...my property at will.

A slave is ready for that when he's willing to accept those terms. Not enough domination? Too much domination? Caveat slave, I guess.

That's a damn good explanation. I like it!

 

[Marquis]

osg in da house!

OK, so we have two questions here, right?

1. How do you know you're ready for 24/7?

Like many of the people who responded, I only really do 24/7. My first serious relationship was my only relationship that was not 24/7. There were times when we played "the game" as we called it, and there were times where we would be our natural dominant and submissive selves - without me explicity wielding the authority of being the "dominant".

That situation pretty much sucked. Once I had a taste I knew I would never go back. I keep it pretty simple. If I'm romantically interested in a girl, I offer her some dominance. If she offers some submission in return, we take a step forward. There isn't a worm hole or even a straight line between levels of commitment.

In my experience, calling a girl "your sub" or putting a collar around her neck doesnt make her any subbier. Those are nice gestures and symbols that both people in the relationship may appreciate, but I find only time, trust and the mutual desire for a more pronounced D/s dynamic makes the dom dommier and the sub subbier.

2. When do you know you're ready to move in with someone?

This is a tough one for me, I'm really torn.

There are aspects that I really love about living alone. I don't want to hear the TV in the background or half of someone's phone conversation. I want the freedom to invite people over whenever I want, and I don't want anyone else bringing strangers into my house. I don't want to fight about the A/C or the home decor. I don't even want groceries that I don't eat in the fucking refrigerator. Sometimes I don't want to have to see, deal with or talk to anyone. Sometimes I want to do something weird without having to answer any questions.

Voyeur and I spend about 2-3 nights together per week on average. We've experimented with less and more, and find that to be ideal for us, for now.

But sometimes I think I'm getting older and I'm changing. I don't want to be out on the streets all the time or at the bar or clubs talking to people I don't give a fuck about and trying to pick up strange women. I mean, I want a little bit of that, but I don't want to have to do it because I feel lonely.

Sometimes I feel like living alone is lonelier than it used to be. I remember what it was like when I was a kid and had a family. There was always someone you loved close by. Yeah, we fought and pissed each other off and there were problems, but all in all it wasn't a bad situation. I want to know that someone is in the other room, even if I can't see or hear them. I get tired of coming home to an empty house sometimes.

With the right people, at the right time in our relationship and in a situation where I had some space, it could work.

 

[catalina_francisco]

*applauds wildly*

I guess I almost find "doesn't want it enough" to be a little insulting, a sort of "subbier than thou" kind of thing.

It especially doesn't apply to those of us in poly relationships.

It wasn't meant to be 'subbier than thou' and IMHO is difficult to interpret it that way given it was spoken by a male Dominant, not me, I would think? Interestingly, I also took offence at the time, until I actually thought about what he said realistically and realised if we really did want 24/7 face to face to be our reality there really was nothing which should be stopping us. Yes I have values and commitments, a daughter and granddaughter I love with all my heart being just 2, but bottom line was I had committed to be a slave 24/7 so once that commitment was made there was no other priority that should and could come before or between that obligation/commitment/responsibility and reality...it was our reality....I made an informed decision to commit to being his slave and as such his being my number 1 priority in my life. I could not serve him to my best or fulltime or fully or appropriately with 16,000 kms between us...it just was not possible under the terms of what we had both agreed to and wanted.

For us, being poly would not change how we view 24/7...if we took on another in the relationship as 24/7, they would be expected to live with us permanently, serve 24/7 RL, and fulfil that commitment the same way we do now...as has been said before, 24/7 is not about swinging a flogger 24 hours of the day, it is about serving and being available to serve in any way required at anytime of the day or night with no switch off point, no free time to live a separate life, no freedom to choose to operate outside that relationship in terms of other romantic or sexual relationships, no choice to do things within hours which fit with our personal schedules, no choice to reserve contact for those times we can make ourselves available to be with our owner face to face. That is our reality, others find distance doesn't impact on their terms of agreement...we all have different definitions of what 24/7 means to us personally.

Catalina