Advice / Commiseration

[marf2200]

I am a 64 yo male. Retired. My wife is 72, with chronic health conditions that preclude her from wanting sex. It has been a few years now, I have managed with porn, literotica, masturbation. I have never cheated

But I think it has now dawned on me that unless I am willing to cheat, I am unlikely to ever have sex again. No intercourse, no titty fuck, no blowjobs, no handjobs. How do I accept this state of affairs without getting bitter or depressed.

Any advice? Anybody else going through this?

 

[Nicenashguy615]

I can’t say I’ve been where you are and I feel bad for you. Many of us find our wives lose their libido once they get into perimenopause in their early 50s so you aren’t alone in that regard.

My wife has never been able to keep up with me sexually so I learned a long time ago that I had three choices; Put up with it, argue endlessly about it, or go have an affair. I chose the last option and about every five years, I have one that typically lasts a year or so. It’s kept my marriage in good shape. I would have divorced if I wasn’t able to find a way to fill my needs otherwise. Sounds horrible to most but I’m not sure people were meant for lifelong monogamy.

 

[Dearelliot]

I'm there, old, and for a long time, I pay professionals...or I'm celibate.

 

[marf2200]

I can’t say I’ve been where you are and I feel bad for you. Many of us find our wives lose their libido once they get into perimenopause in their early 50s so you aren’t alone in that regard.

My wife has never been able to keep up with me sexually so I learned a long time ago that I had three choices; Put up with it, argue endlessly about it, or go have an affair. I chose the last option and about every five years, I have one that typically lasts a year or so. It’s kept my marriage in good shape. I would have divorced if I wasn’t able to find a way to fill my needs otherwise. Sounds horrible to most but I’m not sure people were meant for lifelong monogamy.

How old are you now?

 

[Nicenashguy615]

How old are you now?

55. Wife is 53 but her sex drive started waning many years ago.

 

[LMWM321]

I am a 64 yo male. Retired. My wife is 72, with chronic health conditions that preclude her from wanting sex. It has been a few years now, I have managed with porn, literotica, masturbation. I have never cheated

But I think it has now dawned on me that unless I am willing to cheat, I am unlikely to ever have sex again. No intercourse, no titty fuck, no blowjobs, no handjobs. How do I accept this state of affairs without getting bitter or depressed.

How would your wife react if you told her the following... I'm not suggesting you rush into saying this, but how would she react?

"Honey, I understand and accept that you no longer desire any kind of sexual relationship with me. I know that is NOT your fault. But nor is it my fault that I still NEED sex - for me, it is a life force that cannot be forever ignored. So I have made the decision to seek sex elsewhere - either with a paid sex worker or with women outside of our social circle. You and I can discuss which of these you prefer. You will have some say in this...

I promise that I will always be your husband, will always love you and will always keep you at the center of my life. I do NOT want to divorce or leave you... But I CANNOT go the rest of my life without sex. ..Doing so is as unthinkable as living the rest of my life without laughter."

How might she react?

 

[marf2200]

How would your wife react if you told her the following... I'm not suggesting you rush into saying this, but how would she react?

"Honey, I understand and accept that you no longer desire any kind of sexual relationship with me. I know that is NOT your fault. But nor is it my fault that I still NEED sex - for me, it is a life force that cannot be forever ignored. So I have made the decision to seek sex elsewhere - either with a paid sex worker or with women outside of our social circle. You and I can discuss which of these you prefer. You will have some say in this...

I promise that I will always be your husband, will always love you and will always keep you at the center of my life. I do NOT want to divorce or leave you... But I CANNOT go the rest of my life without sex. ..Doing so is as unthinkable as living the rest of my life without laughing."

How might she react?

Not well. Not well at all

 

[Nicenashguy615]

Not well. Not well at all

I was thinking that too. Everyone always says honesty and openness are best but I think that applies only in some situations.

Telling your wife you want to be intimate with other women is far worse than saying you want a divorce.

If that situation were reversed somehow and I couldn’t meet my wife’s sexual needs, I’d be devastated to hear her give me a speech like that. The thought of my wife getting serviced by another man would make me learn to hate her very quickly.

She’s 72 years old. You’re not going to change her or the situation. You can accept it and hope it doesn’t create resentment and bitterness over the years or you can go cheat and learn to live with the guilt.

I was reading a long post on here called Asian Massage Parlors (I think). It got me thinking about my situation. Affairs take real effort to cultivate and maintain. Not to mention the risk factor. And women always get attached to you in the end so walking away can be sticky.

The massage parlor angle is something I’ve never seriously considered until now. It’s a fascinating post with tons of stories so you know what to expect. For $200 or possibly less, you’ll have a gorgeous young lady pampering you and finishing you off with a breathtaking handjob. No strings attached. And that includes the tip.

The risk of arrest is practically zero. Cops go in undercover (rarely) to bust the ladies offering it. Not the customers. If you stick to a handjob, you’re safe from disease. And these places want repeat business so they aim to please.

If your wife ever learned about it, she’s far more likely to forgive this than a real, long term affair.

 

[LMWM321]

Not well. Not well at all

Understood.

If you don't mind my asking, what sort of chronic health issue does she have that precludes ANY kind of sexual interaction? I can imagine conditions that take PIV penetration off the table, but hand-jobs? ..mutual masturbation? ..Or even you masturbating solo as she lies naked beside you? Will she let you caress her breasts, her butt..any part of her? ..Can you cuddle with her while you're both naked? Can you touch her in a sexual way at all?

What was your wife's relationship with sex before her health issues? I don't mean to presume, but I do think that some use age or health challenges (which we all have, by the way) as a pretext to END sex that they never really enjoyed to begin with.

How does she feel about therapy? My wife and I saw a sex therapist and she helped us enormously by getting us to understand ONE very important lesson. That the goal of sex is NOT to necessarily have an orgasm. Instead, the goal of sex is to ENJOY being physically close and intimate with each other - to merely enjoy each others' touch. With that simple goal in mind, our sexual success rate is pretty much 100%. But if the goal was to end with an orgasm, one or both of us might end up feeling as though we failed. Sex becomes un-fun when you fear you may fail at it.

 

[LMWM321]

The massage parlor angle is something I’ve never seriously considered until now. It’s a fascinating post with tons of stories so you know what to expect. For $200 or possibly less, you’ll have a gorgeous young lady pampering you and finishing you off with a breathtaking handjob. No strings attached. And that includes the tip.

The risk of arrest is practically zero. Cops go in undercover (rarely) to bust the ladies offering it. Not the customers. If you stick to a handjob, you’re safe from disease. And these places want repeat business so they aim to please.

If your wife ever learned about it, she’s far more likely to forgive this than a real, long term affair.

I've long argued for the legalization AND (equally important) normalization of sex-work. But presently, I don't think it's true that cops bust ONLY the workers and not the Johns. On the contrary, there are some states/ cities where it's the exact opposite; law enforcement targets the client and not the worker. ..I'm not saying this to contradict your suggestion, I'm just saying it's important to know the risks.

 

[Nicenashguy615]

I've long argued for the legalization AND (equally important) normalization of sex-work. But presently, I don't think it's true that cops bust ONLY the workers and not the Johns. On the contrary, there are some states/ cities where it's the exact opposite; law enforcement targets the client and not the worker. ..I'm not saying this to contradict your suggestion, I'm just saying it's important to know the risks.

That may happen but I do know that they would have to have evidence of some kind. And your confession alone is not sufficient. Your confession would have to be supported by statements from others or video or maybe catching you downstroke.

But your right to say that John’s shouldn’t exercise caution.

In the case of the OP, it’s a misdemeanor. Big deal. And that’s assuming he was caught red handed AND the district attorney chose to prosecute. They can’t prosecute every case that gets submitted so they have to look at ‘jury appeal.’ It would be hard to find 12 people who want to punish the OP given his situation. I sure wouldn’t. I’d gladly hang that jury up and waste the prosecutions resources trying something few care about.

 

[marf2200]

That may happen but I do know that they would have to have evidence of some kind. And your confession alone is not sufficient. Your confession would have to be supported by statements from others or video or maybe catching you downstroke.

But your right to say that John’s shouldn’t exercise caution.

In the case of the OP, it’s a misdemeanor. Big deal. And that’s assuming he was caught red handed AND the district attorney chose to prosecute. They can’t prosecute every case that gets submitted so they have to look at ‘jury appeal.’ It would be hard to find 12 people who want to punish the OP given his situation. I sure wouldn’t. I’d gladly hang that jury up and waste the prosecutions resources trying something few care about.

I'm not Robert Kraft, lol. They would prosecute me.

I get offers on social media often, from women nearby. I am very tempted to try one - a quick blowjob for 50 bucks would help. And then a second and third.

 

[Nicenashguy615]

I'm not Robert Kraft, lol. They would prosecute me.

I get offers on social media often, from women nearby. I am very tempted to try one - a quick blowjob for 50 bucks would help. And then a second and third.

I wish I had offers like that!

 

[marf2200]

I wish I had offers like that!

would you really take that chance?

 

[Nicenashguy615]

would you really take that chance?

I might. There are ways to mitigate risk. I would not flatly reject the idea but I’d also be thinking ‘too good to be true’ and be wary.

 

[Rockymtnman]

I am a 64 yo male. Retired. My wife is 72, with chronic health conditions that preclude her from wanting sex. It has been a few years now, I have managed with porn, literotica, masturbation. I have never cheated

But I think it has now dawned on me that unless I am willing to cheat, I am unlikely to ever have sex again. No intercourse, no titty fuck, no blowjobs, no handjobs. How do I accept this state of affairs without getting bitter or depressed.

Any advice? Anybody else going through this

Nevada has legal prostitution in several counties. Literally cannot get arrested for going to one. Just saying, there are safe and legal ways and there is little chance they are being trafficked.