ToPleaseHim
RedVelvet IYKYK
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What advice would you give to a 20 year old guy embarking on his BDSM journey as a Dom?
Advice for a new Dom
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Magesthicc
Literotica Guru
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He needs to define what kind he wants to be, that will definitely help him to find his subs.
Gentle Dom? Aggressive? Wants to have more than 1?
He wants women that are already in a relationship? Singles?
Don't know if this can help him. Worked for me back in the day.
Gentle Dom? Aggressive? Wants to have more than 1?
He wants women that are already in a relationship? Singles?
Don't know if this can help him. Worked for me back in the day.
ToPleaseHim
RedVelvet IYKYK
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2008
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Here’s a thread from the way back machine: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/bdsm-questions-and-answers.39661/.
I’m going to bump it.
As with most threads here, it goes off topic a few times, but so much good discussion there.
I’m going to bump it.
As with most threads here, it goes off topic a few times, but so much good discussion there.Kevinjkson
Sir
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2026
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- 51
If I could give one piece of advice to my 20 year old self, it would be to read and watch a lot of BDSM porn. It serves two purposes.
1) It moves your personal Overton Window, which for most young people is very narrow and very prescribed by cultural and societal norms and programming. Seeing and reading what turns other people on, how other people like to play, helps to stretch our sense of what is "ok," what is "normal," and what is not.
2) It informs what turns us on and what doesn't. A 20 year old, even a precocious one, has precious little real world experience to draw from. They may have a sense of what kind of things they like, what turns them on - but only a vague one. By exposing themselves to lots of different kinds of play, lots of different shapes of bodies, lots of different types of energy and scenes, they learn what they want to try themselves and what they don't.
If I could give a second piece of advice, it would be "don't be afraid."
K
1) It moves your personal Overton Window, which for most young people is very narrow and very prescribed by cultural and societal norms and programming. Seeing and reading what turns other people on, how other people like to play, helps to stretch our sense of what is "ok," what is "normal," and what is not.
2) It informs what turns us on and what doesn't. A 20 year old, even a precocious one, has precious little real world experience to draw from. They may have a sense of what kind of things they like, what turns them on - but only a vague one. By exposing themselves to lots of different kinds of play, lots of different shapes of bodies, lots of different types of energy and scenes, they learn what they want to try themselves and what they don't.
If I could give a second piece of advice, it would be "don't be afraid."
K
DeepGreenEyes
The Thirst Mutilator
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2007
- Posts
- 8,573
Simply being a Dominant:
- Does not make you in charge of anyone.
- Does not make you smarter than a sub.
- Does not make you a mind reader.
- Does not mean you have all the ideas.
Kumquatqueen
Literotica Guru
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Go to munches and events. Watch. Talk to people. Learn.
Be honest about your inexperience. There's a difference between tops and doms, but a huge overlap, and you'll likely want some topping skills.
Communicate with the person interested in you. Not just agreeing safe words and signals, but what you each hope for out of a scene - or a relationship, if you get that far. Very few relationships are d/s 24/7 (or not for long). What are *your* limits?
Be honest about your inexperience. There's a difference between tops and doms, but a huge overlap, and you'll likely want some topping skills.
Communicate with the person interested in you. Not just agreeing safe words and signals, but what you each hope for out of a scene - or a relationship, if you get that far. Very few relationships are d/s 24/7 (or not for long). What are *your* limits?
seela
Quark Thief
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- May 14, 2010
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[Referenced post removed by moderator]
Umm… Absolutely take no as an answer. It’s supposed to be BDSM, not abuse. If your limits aren’t respected, it’s not BDSM. Consensually stretching and pushing the limits is quite different from simply not taking no as an answer.
For a 20-year-old Dom, or for any age for that matter, I’d recommend learning general people skills. Dominant people are first and foremost people, dominance is an added trait. So aim at being a good person others can count on and enjoy being around.
Figure out what makes you tick, sexually and in a relationship, and then figure out how to effectively communicate it to other people. Also think about what you don’t want to experience, both sexually and in a relationship.
Don’t exaggerate your experience. Don’t let anybody tell you that you aren’t allowed/can’t be vulnerable and weak just because you’re the dominant party in the dynamic. Just because you’re dominant, it doesn’t mean that you’re fully responsible for everything in the relationship. The submissive partner has responsibilities as well and they can’t shove those responsibilities to you, so don’t allow it unless that’s something that you absolutely want.
DGE’s list above is really good.
Umm… Absolutely take no as an answer. It’s supposed to be BDSM, not abuse. If your limits aren’t respected, it’s not BDSM. Consensually stretching and pushing the limits is quite different from simply not taking no as an answer.
For a 20-year-old Dom, or for any age for that matter, I’d recommend learning general people skills. Dominant people are first and foremost people, dominance is an added trait. So aim at being a good person others can count on and enjoy being around.
Figure out what makes you tick, sexually and in a relationship, and then figure out how to effectively communicate it to other people. Also think about what you don’t want to experience, both sexually and in a relationship.
Don’t exaggerate your experience. Don’t let anybody tell you that you aren’t allowed/can’t be vulnerable and weak just because you’re the dominant party in the dynamic. Just because you’re dominant, it doesn’t mean that you’re fully responsible for everything in the relationship. The submissive partner has responsibilities as well and they can’t shove those responsibilities to you, so don’t allow it unless that’s something that you absolutely want.
DGE’s list above is really good.
Aussieguy8
Sir
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2024
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- 84
Knowing what you like and communication are vitally important. I normally have sexting and discovering mutual kinks as part of foreplay with a new partner.
Trust and honesty are big parts of that. A sub has to trust you a LOT. Just imagine you are tied up and naked with someone there in a sexual context. You'd want to trust them right? Part of that trust is admitting you are new. My first sub taught me the ropes (pun intended) and was very much "I've done the research (she was a research scientist student) so I'm going to teach you everything, especially safety, stuff you need to know." I was happy to learn something I'd desired doing for a while but hadn't experienced.
Just because you are a Dom you can admit mistakes or gaps in knowledge. I often date nerdy women and have for sure had them do research and a presentation on a new thing as like informative foreplay. Like, it should be fun. Or at least everyone involved should get something they need from it.
Again, going back to trust, someone who can laugh at themselves and respects their partner makes a better Dom. Most of my partners have had some kind of position of "I know you respect me, which is why I crave you to treat me like you don't."
Lots of fantasists online and in writing. Generally reality is always a few steps back from fantasy for most people. Start slow. Enjoy the process of doing the new thing with your partner. If you rush to do everything in the first scene you miss out on the moments that are actually enjoyable.
I agree with some of the comments about knowing what kind of dom you are. I've found personal adds where I've been specific about my kinks and preferred dynamics (with some flexibility of course) get a hell of a lot more responses than a generic "I'm a dom" stuff. I don't go all out on profiles but I at least give enough information that people can get a good idea about me. There are people into everything. It's better to find someone who is the same but from the other direction. In a city of a million plus people, it's not too hard to find someone compatible with a little work and its worth the effort.
Also, someone saying "don't take no as answer" is very creepy. Very much do to no for an answer.... unless you have defined other safewords that replace no, even then be confident in your ability to sense non-verbal reluctance as some subs struggle to say 'no' whatever form that no takes. Better to hold back and discuss about doing something next time than going too far and causing problems for the person who has put their care in your hands. There is a very big difference between being dominant, which is more about being a leader who wants what is best for everyone, and an abuser pretending to be a dominant. Consent is vital. If she ain't into it, I ain't into it.
Trust and honesty are big parts of that. A sub has to trust you a LOT. Just imagine you are tied up and naked with someone there in a sexual context. You'd want to trust them right? Part of that trust is admitting you are new. My first sub taught me the ropes (pun intended) and was very much "I've done the research (she was a research scientist student) so I'm going to teach you everything, especially safety, stuff you need to know." I was happy to learn something I'd desired doing for a while but hadn't experienced.
Just because you are a Dom you can admit mistakes or gaps in knowledge. I often date nerdy women and have for sure had them do research and a presentation on a new thing as like informative foreplay. Like, it should be fun. Or at least everyone involved should get something they need from it.
Again, going back to trust, someone who can laugh at themselves and respects their partner makes a better Dom. Most of my partners have had some kind of position of "I know you respect me, which is why I crave you to treat me like you don't."
Lots of fantasists online and in writing. Generally reality is always a few steps back from fantasy for most people. Start slow. Enjoy the process of doing the new thing with your partner. If you rush to do everything in the first scene you miss out on the moments that are actually enjoyable.
I agree with some of the comments about knowing what kind of dom you are. I've found personal adds where I've been specific about my kinks and preferred dynamics (with some flexibility of course) get a hell of a lot more responses than a generic "I'm a dom" stuff. I don't go all out on profiles but I at least give enough information that people can get a good idea about me. There are people into everything. It's better to find someone who is the same but from the other direction. In a city of a million plus people, it's not too hard to find someone compatible with a little work and its worth the effort.
Also, someone saying "don't take no as answer" is very creepy. Very much do to no for an answer.... unless you have defined other safewords that replace no, even then be confident in your ability to sense non-verbal reluctance as some subs struggle to say 'no' whatever form that no takes. Better to hold back and discuss about doing something next time than going too far and causing problems for the person who has put their care in your hands. There is a very big difference between being dominant, which is more about being a leader who wants what is best for everyone, and an abuser pretending to be a dominant. Consent is vital. If she ain't into it, I ain't into it.
always__thinking
MWM
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2026
- Posts
- 5
Others have said it, but get used to taking "no" for an answer. Consent is absolutely vital in a D/s dynamic, and it needs to be clear and continuous. It's your responsibility as the dominant to make sure you understand whether consent is being given. There's nothing wrong with continuing to check either—it can even be really hot if done in the right way. But it's your responsibility to make sure the sub understands they can *always* say no (even if they choose to communicate that through agreed upon safe words).
The other advice I have will sound cliché, but I think it's useful. Work on mastering yourself before you try to master others. You won't be able to use dominance with others to cover up your own insecurities. Most subs respond well to confidence, but arrogance is often a turn-off, and the wrong kind of bravado can make you a punchline, especially when you're young and just learning. As others have said above, don't pretend more experience or expertise than you have.
The other advice I have will sound cliché, but I think it's useful. Work on mastering yourself before you try to master others. You won't be able to use dominance with others to cover up your own insecurities. Most subs respond well to confidence, but arrogance is often a turn-off, and the wrong kind of bravado can make you a punchline, especially when you're young and just learning. As others have said above, don't pretend more experience or expertise than you have.
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