Am I being stupid?

[naxalite0906]

I found out the other day that my long term partner cheated on me on more than one occaision, each time with the same person.
After kicking telling her to leave, I had a proper think and I began to think I had made a mistake because I love her so much.
She claims for it to all have meant nothing and been a big mistake as she was just craving attention (even though she couldnt come to me for it) and now she feels used and sick from it, as well as disgusted with herself for doing it.
I think I will be able to trust her again from it, but is it possible to look to the future without constantly having the thoughts of her being with another person, as well as thinking about all the insecurites from the event such as why she went somewhere else, and whether im useless etc.
She claims it is not my fault and she went through a "self destrcutive" period, and I love her so much that I want her in my life, but the thoughts of her with another man are driving me crazy.
Am I being too stupid by putting myself through all this and would I be best of without her. I never, ever thought she would cheat as i didnt think she could, but this proves otherwise. Am i making a big mistake?

 

[Monazwx]

This isn't the time to back pedal. Give yourself some time to think everything through. I'm wondering whether you stumbled across this information, or whether or not she told you.

 

[kitsune_kun]

this isn't a small decision like, "how's the weather", this'll take some time to decide, so take your time, think it out.

 

[Verbiwhore]

You need to have a long talk, everybody deserves a second chance, but then some of them abuse that trust.
Get a little space between you, think about what you want not just right now by later on down the line, If she did stray again how would you feel, but if she is genuinely sorry then are you losing a very special (but stupid) person because you are too upset to forgive.
I hurt for you either way, I hope all goes well.

 

[naxalite0906]

This isn't the time to back pedal. Give yourself some time to think everything through. I'm wondering whether you stumbled across this information, or whether or not she told you.

I found out and confronted her about it and she explained everything. We have spent hours talking it through since i needed a lot of answers and re-assurance from her about many things as I considered whether I could forgive her. I have forgiven her, and she has restored my trust and faith in some ways, but the thoughts still come back to me. I have made my choice, but I have a feeling some people will tell me that I should never of taken her back. I love her and wanted to spend my life with her. I trust her again, so I thought I should give her a chance. But I'm still being insecure by thinking about her with someone else..

 

[naxalite0906]

You need to have a long talk, everybody deserves a second chance, but then some of them abuse that trust.
Get a little space between you, think about what you want not just right now by later on down the line, If she did stray again how would you feel, but if she is genuinely sorry then are you losing a very special (but stupid) person because you are too upset to forgive.
I hurt for you either way, I hope all goes well.

We have talked and I think worked everything out, but the thoughts are what still haunts me. They are harder to get over than forgiving her for betraying me. Maybe its just me being silly and insecure.
I know I want her now and down the line, and already said that we need to avoid it happening again. Seeing how much pain she was in made me realise how sorry she was, so regaining trust was quite easy to do. We also talked more about our issues than ever before, so i would of been stupid not to try and make it work.

 

[kitsune_kun]

yeah? Well, I hope those thoughts fade soon man.

 

[naxalite0906]

yeah? Well, I hope those thoughts fade soon man.

So do I. Like I said.. I think I should forgive her because of how I feel and how sorry she is. But the thoughts are hard to forget.

 

[BreeCarter]

I found out the other day that my long term partner cheated on me on more than one occaision, each time with the same person.
After kicking telling her to leave, I had a proper think and I began to think I had made a mistake because I love her so much.
She claims for it to all have meant nothing and been a big mistake as she was just craving attention (even though she couldnt come to me for it) and now she feels used and sick from it, as well as disgusted with herself for doing it.
I think I will be able to trust her again from it, but is it possible to look to the future without constantly having the thoughts of her being with another person, as well as thinking about all the insecurites from the event such as why she went somewhere else, and whether im useless etc.
She claims it is not my fault and she went through a "self destrcutive" period, and I love her so much that I want her in my life, but the thoughts of her with another man are driving me crazy.
Am I being too stupid by putting myself through all this and would I be best of without her. I never, ever thought she would cheat as i didnt think she could, but this proves otherwise. Am i making a big mistake?

yes, if it was a one time i think, maybe. if it was on several occasions, fuck her. (and not in a literal sense)

 

[footlongish]

There was a reason why she cheated. How is the rest of the relationship now ? Are those factors still present ? The book Rekindling Desire tackles things that might have given her reason to cheat and also the process of rebuilding the relationship after she cheated.

You have my sympathies and support.

 

[FurryFury]

You've been unhappily in love with her for a while. Now you find out she is cheating on you? You are a young good looking guy and y'all aren't married. Honestly I think this might be your wake up call on this relationship. You can do better IMO.

Fury

 

[human_male]

I certainly sympathise with you, but I don't think you're being stupid for having these reservations. I think you should listen to them. How can you trust her again? How do you know the next time she feels lonely and needs attention, or whatever it is she went through, she won't just do the same thing again?

If you can't get over these thoughts of her fucking that other guy you're never going to be happy. The rest of your life is a long time. It's understandable that you don't want to let her go because you love her, but you will love again.

 

[SweetErika]

I found out the other day that my long term partner cheated on me on more than one occaision, each time with the same person.

Oh, Nax, I'm so sorry for your pain!

She claims for it to all have meant nothing and been a big mistake as she was just craving attention (even though she couldnt come to me for it) and now she feels used and sick from it, as well as disgusted with herself for doing it.

Have you talked about why she couldn't come to you for the attention and/or other needs?

I'd caution you to be very careful about getting sucked into her reasoning and feelings. It's an easy thing to do, and often makes us feel better temporarily, but this isn't about how she feels now, it's about how she chose to act and the effects of those actions on you and your relationship.

I think I will be able to trust her again from it, but is it possible to look to the future without constantly having the thoughts of her being with another person, as well as thinking about all the insecurites from the event such as why she went somewhere else, and whether im useless etc.

The advice to take steps back right now is very good. I believe it's possible to trust again after a huge betrayal like this, but trust is never given, it's EARNED. That takes a lot of time and effort, so give yourself the time and watch the effort.

If you cut back a slower-growing plant to ground level, it doesn't reappear in a matter of days, weeks, or even months, no matter how much you care for it. It might come back, maybe even heartier and more beautiful, but that takes time and long-term nurturing. This is the same thing; I hope it re-grows stronger for you, but she's going to have to take really good care of it, you'll need to watch that and nurture yourself, and you both must be patient.

With that time, effort and space, the memories of the damage should fade, and hopefully you'll emerge as stronger people and a couple who can look more to the future.

She claims it is not my fault and she went through a "self destrcutive" period, and I love her so much that I want her in my life, but the thoughts of her with another man are driving me crazy.

She's right, it's NOT your fault, and don't you dare start to think it is for a second. Knowing the consequences, she chose the behavior. It's common to feel neglected, want to escape from problems, question the relationship, have low self-esteem, etc., but none of them are justification for hurting our partners. Ask yourself what you would have done and why you might have chosen differently in this situation. What's at the core of her actions toward you?

Am I being too stupid by putting myself through all this and would I be best of without her. I never, ever thought she would cheat as i didnt think she could, but this proves otherwise. Am i making a big mistake?

I don't think you're being stupid at all, but perhaps you're being a bit hasty in trusting and trying to put it back together, even though the instinct is to make it like it never happened.

I hate to bring this up, but on a practical level, she put your health and life at risk without your consent. Take care of yourself physically as well as emotionally; get tested for everything and use condoms every single time until you both test again for HIV and anything else that might have an incubation period in 6 months, then perhaps for a while after that until you're nearly positive she's monogamous. Even if she said they had safer sex, protect yourself. She should be more than willing to use protection until the trust has been rebuilt.

Be really good to yourself - you deserve it. You deserve the best, in fact.

 

[thirty]

You can still call her, communicate with her.
You may finally forget everything, it only concerns time.

 

[bitchgoddess3]

You've been unhappily in love with her for a while. Now you find out she is cheating on you? You are a young good looking guy and y'all aren't married. Honestly I think this might be your wake up call on this relationship. You can do better IMO.

Fury

Naxa, i completly agree with Fury here. You would never do this to her, ive heard you say it a thousand times, and ive seen you bend over backwards for her and this is how she repays you ?
You really can do so much better. honey, you are absolutly lovely and dont deserve this.

bg xxx

 

[naxalite0906]

Naxa, i completly agree with Fury here. You would never do this to her, ive heard you say it a thousand times, and ive seen you bend over backwards for her and this is how she repays you ?
You really can do so much better. honey, you are absolutly lovely and dont deserve this.

bg xxx

You know I said the same about you and ur bf too, but we only heard the moans and you know that there is more to your relationship than the times you sounded off to me. Its the same with me too. She was no where near as bad as the impression you probably have.
I guess both you and fury have only ever heard about it from one angle and not that the times were good too. We had struggled for a while due to many things affecting our relationship such as work, money etc, and we had worked them all out and were happy together and then this happens. Its something I'm finding very hard to comprehend, especially with the self destructive reasoning etc, as I always thought she was the one person who wouldnt. She says the only reason I was at fault was for a few things, but these are things I have constantly craved from her too.
Now it has happened I feel that I can forgive her as we have been through much and I love her dearly, plus after this we talked more about or hidden thoughts and feelings than we have ever done in our relationship which sets a good foundation again for things to be better. This isn't the only reason, but it does suggest things can work now we have gotten over talking properly. But its the thoughts holding me back, those thoughts that I might never forget and will always think when I'm with her.

 

[naxalite0906]

You've been unhappily in love with her for a while. Now you find out she is cheating on you? You are a young good looking guy and y'all aren't married. Honestly I think this might be your wake up call on this relationship. You can do better IMO.

Fury

I have my faults like anyone else.. lol..
See my above post to bg, guess it replies to this comment too. Would you be able to forgive someone if things were good in a relationship and then you go thru a bad month before something like this happens.

 

[Flyin_Free]

I have my faults like anyone else.. lol..
See my above post to bg, guess it replies to this comment too. Would you be able to forgive someone if things were good in a relationship and then you go thru a bad month before something like this happens.

You know, my first response would be no. But really, only you know if you can forgive her and trust her again. Nobody else can tell you what you should do or what the right answer for you is. If you feel like you can forgive her and trust her and go on with the relationship then that's the right thing for you, after all if you don't and if that means you're going to spend the rest of your life wishing you'd given her another chance, then that's not good either. There's no right or wrong answer here. Sorry I'm not much help am I?

 

[bitchgoddess3]

You know I said the same about you and ur bf too, but we only heard the moans and you know that there is more to your relationship than the times you sounded off to me. Its the same with me too. She was no where near as bad as the impression you probably have.
I guess both you and fury have only ever heard about it from one angle and not that the times were good too. We had struggled for a while due to many things affecting our relationship such as work, money etc, and we had worked them all out and were happy together and then this happens. Its something I'm finding very hard to comprehend, especially with the self destructive reasoning etc, as I always thought she was the one person who wouldnt. She says the only reason I was at fault was for a few things, but these are things I have constantly craved from her too.
Now it has happened I feel that I can forgive her as we have been through much and I love her dearly, plus after this we talked more about or hidden thoughts and feelings than we have ever done in our relationship which sets a good foundation again for things to be better. This isn't the only reason, but it does suggest things can work now we have gotten over talking properly. But its the thoughts holding me back, those thoughts that I might never forget and will always think when I'm with her.

thats a fair point, there is more to both our relationships, at the moment mine is particularly tough. it seems obvious that you will stay with her, because you obviously love her a lot. And from there I have no good advice im afraid, i hope you do find a way to put this behind you.
ill just say one more thing. youve put above that she said you were at fault for a few things. if she cheated on you honey, then its all her. if she had issues with you, she should have come to you, not gone to someone else. this is in no way your fault. she made that decision and she does not get to heap fault on you now. If shes just pointing out things to make your relationship better now, then fair enough. But if shes telling you, these 'faults' were responsible for her cheating... thats just not true.
i hope, whatever you decide, that you will be happy

 

[Monazwx]

I found out and confronted her about it and she explained everything. We have spent hours talking it through since i needed a lot of answers and re-assurance from her about many things as I considered whether I could forgive her. I have forgiven her, and she has restored my trust and faith in some ways, but the thoughts still come back to me. I have made my choice, but I have a feeling some people will tell me that I should never of taken her back. I love her and wanted to spend my life with her. I trust her again, so I thought I should give her a chance. But I'm still being insecure by thinking about her with someone else..

Have you asked yourself, if you hadn't found out and confronted her, whether or not she would still be cheating? Had she broken it off before you discovered her affair?

 

[Monazwx]

Oh, I see that you've made the decision to take her back already. I think you still should have given yourself a bit more time, but you did what you thought was best. Still be careful, as some people are truely sorry; when they get caught. Like someone said earlier, trust is earned, not given.

 

[silverwhisper]

nax, can you trust her? that's the only question that needs an answer here, AFAICT. if you cannot, show her the door now and save yourself the future heartache should this ever happen again. if you can, then nothing anyone says here will matter a damn.

ed

 

[FurryFury]

I have my faults like anyone else.. lol..
See my above post to bg, guess it replies to this comment too. Would you be able to forgive someone if things were good in a relationship and then you go thru a bad month before something like this happens.

I know everyone has faults, that wasn't my point. I don't think you give yourself enough credit.

Would I be able to forgive someone? Yes, but it would take a very long painful time after what you describe to stop feeling pain over it and I would never forget.

I know people that have been cheated on. This pain and the thoughts you speak of are common. It takes time to build trust back. In many cases it takes couples therapy and IMO honestly just gritting teeth and saying, I know I may be, being stupid but I'm staying in this relationship.

Some do stay together. In time they seem to the outside world to be fairly happy again. Who knows what is going on inside the relationship, not me. It does look like it's possible to put it back together though.

You've clearly made up your mind. I hope your decision is rewarded with a great deal of happiness and satisfaction in the relationship soon. I wish you well.

Fury

 

[kinksterr]

Honey...you have to leave for your own good. Once a cheater always a cheater. Dont put yourself through this...in the end it is not worth it. Find yourself a faithful woman who will be devoted to you and only you. Best wishes.

I found out the other day that my long term partner cheated on me on more than one occaision, each time with the same person.
After kicking telling her to leave, I had a proper think and I began to think I had made a mistake because I love her so much.
She claims for it to all have meant nothing and been a big mistake as she was just craving attention (even though she couldnt come to me for it) and now she feels used and sick from it, as well as disgusted with herself for doing it.
I think I will be able to trust her again from it, but is it possible to look to the future without constantly having the thoughts of her being with another person, as well as thinking about all the insecurites from the event such as why she went somewhere else, and whether im useless etc.
She claims it is not my fault and she went through a "self destrcutive" period, and I love her so much that I want her in my life, but the thoughts of her with another man are driving me crazy.
Am I being too stupid by putting myself through all this and would I be best of without her. I never, ever thought she would cheat as i didnt think she could, but this proves otherwise. Am i making a big mistake?

 

[WestVaCouple]

Yeah,

yeah, if she cheated on you now, what do you think she will do later. Trust is gone. You may love her, however, she has demonstrated her feelings for you. Time to move an and don't look back.