Am I being stupid?

[naxalite0906]

Honey...you have to leave for your own good. Once a cheater always a cheater. Dont put yourself through this...in the end it is not worth it. Find yourself a faithful woman who will be devoted to you and only you. Best wishes.

Thats the thing, I thought this gf was as faithful and devoted as they got. I didn't think anyone could of cared for me like she did and I was still wrong. Who says it won't happen again with another person I think that about.

 

[Monazwx]

It may, or it may not, but it's already happened here and now. If you don't want to take the chance to find out that's fine, but don't take her back simply because you don't think you can find someone better.

 

[tryptamine]

In your position I would dump her.

You are not going to be able to trust her again. You can't have a relationship like that. Dump her for your own good and quit while you're still relatively ahead (relative to what will happen when she either cheats again, or you spend ages worrying about whether or not she's cheating).

 

[maritxu69g]

It shows you are a very good guy by taking her back after what she did to you.. I know how you are feeling, and I'm sorry.
I hope that you get those horrible visions of her with another man, and you two are happy again. I believe you can

 

[naxalite0906]

thats a fair point, there is more to both our relationships, at the moment mine is particularly tough. it seems obvious that you will stay with her, because you obviously love her a lot. And from there I have no good advice im afraid, i hope you do find a way to put this behind you.
ill just say one more thing. youve put above that she said you were at fault for a few things. if she cheated on you honey, then its all her. if she had issues with you, she should have come to you, not gone to someone else. this is in no way your fault. she made that decision and she does not get to heap fault on you now. If shes just pointing out things to make your relationship better now, then fair enough. But if shes telling you, these 'faults' were responsible for her cheating... thats just not true.
i hope, whatever you decide, that you will be happy

Yeah, I managed to work that out too. Even in situations like this, I still blamed myself but then I told her exactly what you have just said to me. Yes I have forgiven her, and right now we are working on getting things back together. We are still having some space right now and just seeing eachother to talk whilst I decide if I can cope with the memories and know something like this won't happen again. The more I talk to her, the more I can see how hurt and sorry she is. I know its still no excuse, but I can tell how much of a mistake it was and I feel she does deserve another chance, but I've had to make sure I am what she wants too. The weird thing is that this has made us talk about more things that we have never mentioned before about the relationship. Its just a shame it took something this extreme for her to open up to me, I guess I just have to see whether it will work again.

On a side note, its nice to hear from you again too.. I missed you x

 

[naxalite0906]

Be really good to yourself - you deserve it. You deserve the best, in fact.

I didn't want to quote everything you said. How is it that you always manage to say the right things about everything on here. You are the person that deserves the best for being so nice, thank you for taking the time out to write on this thread.

I still feel like an idiot that it has happened to me. Like I have already said, we have spent a lot of time talking (and crying, well I have anyway) and I have forgiven her, but its a slow process from now. I feel she does deserve another chance and I am beginning to accept it has happened and am trying to move on. The time apart is hard as I still miss her, but hopefully it will allow us to learn more about why we fell in love in the first place and rekindle some of it. I'm not saying this was a blessing, far from it, but it has in a weird way exposed things that need working on and made us realise what we want.
If she can deal with the guilt of hurting me, then its punishment enough. Hopefully, in time I will forget the horrible thoughts I've been having.

Thank you again for being so nice xxx

 

[naxalite0906]

Have you asked yourself, if you hadn't found out and confronted her, whether or not she would still be cheating? Had she broken it off before you discovered her affair?

The times it happened were isolated, even with the same person. And I know it had stopped.

I have forgiven her, but not taken her back as of yet. The trust still needs to be earned before I can do that. The time alone is hard, but if it works out for the best then it is worth it.

 

[naxalite0906]

I know everyone has faults, that wasn't my point. I don't think you give yourself enough credit.

Would I be able to forgive someone? Yes, but it would take a very long painful time after what you describe to stop feeling pain over it and I would never forget.

I know people that have been cheated on. This pain and the thoughts you speak of are common. It takes time to build trust back. In many cases it takes couples therapy and IMO honestly just gritting teeth and saying, I know I may be, being stupid but I'm staying in this relationship.

Some do stay together. In time they seem to the outside world to be fairly happy again. Who knows what is going on inside the relationship, not me. It does look like it's possible to put it back together though.

You've clearly made up your mind. I hope your decision is rewarded with a great deal of happiness and satisfaction in the relationship soon. I wish you well.

Fury

I've made my mind up based on whether the trust can be restored. Only time will tell if I'm ready to take things further again. As much as I want happiness and satisfaction soon, i think its best to take time before anything happens. Fingers crossed it will work out though as the good times that we have had together always make life worth while (and i'm sure its the same with your partner too).

Thank you for your input FF, i always appreciate and value your opinions.

 

[FurryFury]

I've made my mind up based on whether the trust can be restored. Only time will tell if I'm ready to take things further again. As much as I want happiness and satisfaction soon, i think its best to take time before anything happens. Fingers crossed it will work out though as the good times that we have had together always make life worth while (and i'm sure its the same with your partner too).

Thank you for your input FF, i always appreciate and value your opinions.

Okay then, know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal with your worries and thoughts but yes, trust can be rebuilt. Other's have done it.

Good luck and best wishes,

Fury

 

[phoenix1224]

The more I talk to her, the more I can see how hurt and sorry she is.

It's amazing how she has become hurt and sorry only AFTER you found out on your own and confronted her.

If she were TRULY sorry, she 1) would have told you herself and 2) wouldn't have done it multiple times.

I can understand that, dispite everything she has done to hurt you and destroy your relationship, you still love her and would like to try to make things work. But, in order for things to work, she must be COMPLETELY open and honest from this point forward.

Also, if you don't want to be treated like a doormat for the rest of your life, you must make it completely clear that, if it happens again, you WILL leave... And, you must have the courage and the will to follow through if it it DOES happen again.

 

[footlongish]

It's amazing how she has become hurt and sorry only AFTER you found out on your own and confronted her.

If she were TRULY sorry, she 1) would have told you herself and 2) wouldn't have done it multiple times.

I was tempted to cheat.

People cheat because they have unmet needs. She kept cheating because it made her feel good. Whatever she got out of cheating helped her. That doesn't make it right. I'm not condoning it. Don't shoot the messenger.

She doesn't want to hurt you. She loves you. She just hasn't found a way to get what she needs from you. No cheater wants to cheat. They want love and their needs met from their partner.

I can understand that, dispite everything she has done to hurt you and destroy your relationship, you still love her and would like to try to make things work. But, in order for things to work, she must be COMPLETELY open and honest from this point forward.

Also, if you don't want to be treated like a doormat for the rest of your life, you must make it completely clear that, if it happens again, you WILL leave... And, you must have the courage and the will to follow through if it it DOES happen again.

You can't threaten a cheater with separation. She just left you for someone else. The reason she came back is because she loves you and wants you to meet her needs. If she is cheating the needs aren't being met and thus she isn't afraid to leave !

And the cheating or the desire to cheat will go on and on until the needs are met. She wants your love, so she'll promise anything to have it. And time will go on and she'll be unhappy and she'll have unmet needs and it will build up and wala, she'll cheat again.

If you want her to stay, figure out what she is missing and make her happy. THAT is what she wants, not some other guy. She wants YOU to make her happy ! She loves YOU, but isn't getting what she needs.

Don't shoot me for saying this. I'm just the messenger. There is some good stuff about the sexual side of cheating in the Rekindling Desire book and a lot of stuff about the needs in the Getting The Love You Want Book. I'm not an expert. There might be better books. I'm just giving you my take on things.

Cheating isn't the problem, its the SYMPTOM.

Cheaters know when they are going to cheat. They know when they want to. RD has a deal between the couple that the cheater gives the partner 24 hours notice before they do anything. It gives the spouse time to help the cheater. They work on the problem as a couple.

 

[phoenix1224]

Dude, you really have to stop reading those pop psych books... They're full of nothing but misinformation and bad ideas.

Firstly, they blame the one who has been cheated on for the cheaters behavior. Secondly, they suggest that the one who has been cheated on do all the work to improve the relationship... Bullshit.

Cheating can NEVER be justified nor condoned... If your needs aren't being met, talk to your partner about it or leave.



FYI, I've cheated in the past and I realize that I was a selfish, insensitive asshole for starting a new relationship before ending a failing one.

 

[footlongish]

Firstly, they blame the one who has been cheated on for the cheaters behavior. Secondly, they suggest that the one who has been cheated on do all the work to improve the relationship... Bullshit.

You are right. The couple is probably living in a blissfully perfect relationship. Both partners are 100% happy and in love with each other. Yeah. That makes sense.

That is the last thing I will ever say about cheating on this board.

 

[FurryFury]

I have two issues here with what has been said about cheating.

One, I do believe some people cheat because they WANT to.

Two, I don't care what excuses they come up with. I hate the blaming the victim mind set this society currently tends to. Each cheater has other options. They because of choosing to cheat, now have the lions share of work to do to repair the trust. Why should the person cheated on change for a cheater until they feel they can trust that person again? It's damned hard to get past the hurt and betrayal to do work that will be therapeutic for both parties and the relationship.

That's all I have to say about that.

Fury

 

[naxalite0906]

I did blame myself until I realised that I had done nothing wrong and had been making efforts for a while before things happened. Sure I have my faults, but she knew these as we had been together so long. If she didn't like them by now she could of left. Thats why all the events baffled me.
I'm not going into what happened each time she did something, but I get the impression from what she said that it was not an enjoyable experience. It was just another way to feel hurt during the "self destructive" mindset she had developed instead of self harm etc. This may sound like a lot of bull shit to everyone, and I still don't understand it fully (and perhaps I never will) but I do believe what she is telling me as it seems like something you wouldn't make up as an excuse. She had basically been depressed and wouldnt let me help her in any way so now the main thing for me is to try and help her through everything and let her learn to appreciate herself and what goes on and make sure she is ok.. Then see if things work out between us too.

Like I said, this probably sounds stupid to most people, but I guess I needed to explain it in some way. Hopefully, by taking it slow, I will find out if she is still lying or not and if the trust can be rebuilt.

 

[FurryFury]

Slow is the only way to work through this kind of shit IMO.

*hugs*

Fury

 

[pace_purr]

It depends

It sometime happens that sex with someone else is just that, an itch that just needs scratching when there is no one else around. Personally I dont mind if my wife has sex with someone else when we were first married I used to be jealous if someone looked at my wife but these days I enjoy it after all she allways came home to me and visa versa. So if you can't handle it leave, otherwise accept what you can't change.

 

[SweetErika]

It sometime happens that sex with someone else is just that, an itch that just needs scratching when there is no one else around. Personally I dont mind if my wife has sex with someone else when we were first married I used to be jealous if someone looked at my wife but these days I enjoy it after all she allways came home to me and visa versa. So if you can't handle it leave, otherwise accept what you can't change.

But you've given your wife permission to sleep with other people, and she's not doing it behind your back, correct? So, she's not having sex in secret KNOWING her actions would really hurt you and saying, "Oops, I just had an itch that needed scratching; so sorry!" when you catch her; she's doing something that she knows will not hurt you because you've told her you're fine with it.

Doing it with a significant other's consent and cheating are completely different things, and nobody should accept being cheated on regularly, IMO.

How are you doing, Nax?

 

[naxalite0906]

How are you doing, Nax?

Still hurting and struggling. I do miss her but we are working on it, all I know right now is I can see myself always having jealous thoughts. I just don't trust her when she has been drinking because she is a liability, and this is what happens. Now I know it can happen, I'm scared it will again.
Thank you for asking erika.. can I just clone you instead and date her

 

[Starbuck69]

Doing it with a significant other's consent and cheating are completely different things, and nobody should accept being cheated on regularly, IMO.
QUOTE]

I totally agree with you SweetErika, and Nax Im glad you are working on it, I wish you luck.

 

[naxalite0906]

Doing it with a significant other's consent and cheating are completely different things, and nobody should accept being cheated on regularly, IMO.
QUOTE]

I totally agree with you SweetErika, and Nax Im glad you are working on it, I wish you luck.

Thank you, very kind of you.
I think it could be ok, but every now and then I get really bitter about it and end up saying something as a defense. I just don't know if i'll ever forget.

 

[Starbuck69]

Im sure you will never forget, but perhaps with time you will be able
to forgive her and move on, this will take time, my ex cheated on me while
we were engaged and living together, when I found out I went balistic and she told me she wasn't going to change so I left, and then later I found some one else and then my ex wanted me back but it was way way to late.

It took me years even though we were no longer together to actually forgive her.

So good luck because it will take time to heal, and Im sure that she will hurt you just as you will hurt her (fealings) in the future, but if it is going to work then it will take both of you working at it to make it work.