annoying people? They're everywhere!

[CherryBomb24]

Ok my mom decided to let my cousins wife and her kids move in for a few weeks.
Long story short - my cousin is an extreme alcoholic - lost 1 of his kids and hasnt seen him in years, has been in and out of jail for drunk driving and disorderly conduct while under the influence<<bar fights.
The courts tried house arrest but his idiot wife kept buying him alcohol, cops showed up as his house at 3 in the afternoon to check the ankle bracelet and of course - he was trashed and babysitting their 2 year old and infant.
So they hawled him off to jail for a year.
While he was in jail, she moved to a different state, got knocked up then came crawling back to him a few days before he got out of jail.
My mom let her and their 2 kids move in and was told specifically "talk to my husband if you want him to be here, dont expect a yes"
Well...since he got out - they have both been fucking living here, without asking my dad. He shows up after 11pm after my dad is asleep. I am not allowed to say anything because "its not my house" but yet - they are taking complete advantage of my parents!!! its driving me absolutally nuts.
My moms health has really gone down hill the past few months, i was asked to stay home to take care of her. So here i am - trying to help my mom survive, and she's being taken advantage of by a pathetic alcoholic and his disgusting wife.
How do i deal with this? My mom cant defend herself if he comes in drunk, and she refuses to kick them out cuz she feels she needs to take care of the kids. But she's not taking care of them - - - I AM! i'm not a babysitter, and my mom cant. I know i sound like a horrible person for not wanting to take care of their kids, but its not my damn responsibility nor is it my moms. And its not our responsibility to pay for their food/diapers/cigarettes/soda/gas.
I'm losing my head here, i'm tempted to say "its either them or me" to my parents but i know where that will go. ill be the one out the door. Which i wouldnt mind but my mom needs me and cannot be taken advantage of.

My dad is absolutally furious about this whole thing but refuses to say anything, why i dont know. My brothers and sisters are staying out of it for fear my parents will get pissed at them, but i'm not gonna sit here anymore and let them walk on them like this. They had the guts to say "oh you're taking advantage of your mom" which is such a crock of shit. I was asked to quit my job, and stay home to help her. I was in the process of getting an appartment so i could finish getting my life in order, but put it off to help my mom. Yes i want to get my life in order, but i cant move with my mom like this and with these people constantly taking advantage of her.
blah, how do i get these people out? I dont want to move cuz as i said - my mom needs me. She cant even open a can of soda much less take care of herself.
Help?

 

[mark_j]

Ok my mom decided to let my cousins wife and her kids move in for a few weeks.
Long story short - my cousin is an extreme alcoholic - lost 1 of his kids and hasnt seen him in years, has been in and out of jail for drunk driving and disorderly conduct while under the influence<<bar fights.

{edit long story}

My dad is absolutally furious about this whole thing but refuses to say anything, why i dont know. My brothers and sisters are staying out of it for fear my parents will get pissed at them, but i'm not gonna sit here anymore and let them walk on them like this. They had the guts to say "oh you're taking advantage of your mom" which is such a crock of shit. I was asked to quit my job, and stay home to help her. I was in the process of getting an appartment so i could finish getting my life in order, but put it off to help my mom. Yes i want to get my life in order, but i cant move with my mom like this and with these people constantly taking advantage of her.
blah, how do i get these people out? I dont want to move cuz as i said - my mom needs me. She cant even open a can of soda much less take care of herself.
Help?

Unfortunately, despite your feelings otherwise, the long and short of it is, until your parents put their collective foot down and and actually deal with this problem, there isn't much you can do.

Their house, they've got to make the decision one way or the other. Until they make the decision to put a stop to all this, sadly, you have to put up with it or remove yourself from the situation.

 

[unregistered]

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm sorry, cherrybomb, but i agree that there's nothing you can do.

if you feel you have to do something, get your parents to go to an AA meeting. i know they're not the alcoholics here, but they need perspective and perhaps to hear from other alcoholics that their response to the situation does nothing to stop it.

ed

 

[subwannabe]

You've got three choices:

1. put up with it

2. talk to you dad and tell him everything you said here. Hopefully he will come around to your side.

3. you may just have to say the hell with it and move out.

I wholeheartedly do not recomend option one. Sometimes you really have to think of yourself first before thinking of others.

 

[PublicAffection]

Unfortunately, we can't make decisions about what other people can or should do the same way that they can't decide what we can or should do. Everyone has their own limits and lines in the sand - and you can't move that line to where you are and force everyone to step over it with you.

While you probably don't want to use the "them or me" approach, because that never works out the way we want it to... what you can do is have a candid talk with your parents and say - "This is what I'm seeing happen, this is what I'm feeling happen, and this is what I am going to do to remove myself from the situation". Even if your parents feel that they need to allow themselves to be taken advantage of for the sake of the children, that doesn't mean that YOU have to allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Ravenwind]

I wish I could offer advice. I really do. But replace "alcoholic" with "immature money management skills" and you got my situation. I've sat here, pulling my hair out, waiting... knowing there's nothing I can do to change the situation- only they, or my mother in law, can change it (and she was the one who let them move *back* in). I have to sit here, take it, and pretend I like ramen and chemical-laden tap water while watching them eat fast food and drink beer and soda.

But, I know that easy rides don't last forever... eventually Murphy's law throws a wrench into life's gears... it always does... the money dries up, people get back on their feet, people break up, people find better SO's, worst case scenario someone dies and they wake up to reality (or finds someone else to mooch off), or best case scenario they find God/religion/a sense of morality. Life disdains stasis... as miserable as it is, patience is a virtue, and I can wait it out knowing that life will not forever be like this...

...even despite the fact that, right now, it feels like it will be....

(something smells good... I wonder what they brought home this time...)

 

[SweetErika]

The courts tried house arrest but his idiot wife kept buying him alcohol, cops showed up as his house at 3 in the afternoon to check the ankle bracelet and of course - he was trashed and babysitting their 2 year old and infant.
So they hawled him off to jail for a year.

Is he on probation? Are there any restrictions regarding him caring for, or having contact with, the children, especially while he's still abusing alcohol?

How do i deal with this? My mom cant defend herself if he comes in drunk, and she refuses to kick them out cuz she feels she needs to take care of the kids. But she's not taking care of them - - - I AM! i'm not a babysitter, and my mom cant. I know i sound like a horrible person for not wanting to take care of their kids, but its not my damn responsibility nor is it my moms.

Has your mom needed to defend herself when your cousin has been drunk? Are you very worried he'll turn violent or she'll need to protect herself and her home from these people?

Regarding the kids, where is their mother while you're caring for them? That is, why are YOU being forced to watch them?

Are their parents paying you to babysit? If not, have you told them your mom isn't capable of caring for their kids, so leaving them with her is not an option, but if they'd like you to provide childcare, they'll need to arrange that with you in advance and pay you for your work, just as they'd have to any other provider/babysitter?

If they refuse to do that, obviously you'll still need to watch the kids, BUT you should document the details (including why your mom/anyone else in your home is unable to care for the kids that day) every time it happens. Build a case that you can use to show these people owe you money and/or are unfit parents in the future.

Also, have you talked to your mom about how you feel about being forced to care for these kids and your need for her to not commit you to that responsibility in the future? Have you tried sympathizing with her about the kids' circumstances being heartbreaking and your mutual desire to see the well cared for, then asking if you two could come up with some solutions so you're not continually put in a bad position?

I don't know if any of these things will help the situation at all, but taking some kind of action should help you feel less victimized and better in general.

And its not our responsibility to pay for their food/diapers/cigarettes/soda/gas.

Are you paying for their stuff, or are your parents? If it's the latter, there's really nothing you can do about it.

Why is anyone providing these people with non-necessities like cigarettes and soda?

Don't these people have jobs, or any form of income? If so, where is their money going if it's not going to rent and essential expenses? If not, why not?

I'm losing my head here, i'm tempted to say "its either them or me" to my parents but i know where that will go. ill be the one out the door. Which i wouldnt mind but my mom needs me and cannot be taken advantage of.

If your mom needs you that much, she won't kick you out so the moochers can stay.

Also, your mom was strong enough to let these people move in and make decisions about that, so she can presumably make decisions about being taken advantage of. The reality is that you can't prevent her from being conned by these lowlifes. You haven't been able to so far, and you won't be able to in the future as long as she (and your dad) insist on enabling.

My dad is absolutally furious about this whole thing but refuses to say anything, why i dont know.

Does he know about your cousin staying at night now?

In a very calm, rational, loving manner, have you asked him why he hasn't put an end to it? Is it possible he's overwhelmed by your mom's problems and/or doesn't want to add to her issues by contradicting her when she's so concerned with the kids involved?



How are the kids holding up? Is this situation affecting your son?

Have you tried asking someone like a social worker for suggestions on minimizing the negative impact on all the kids involved and your parents? Maybe someone like that could even help you find ways to get paid for caring for your mom at home so you could still work toward your goals while tending to your family.

 

[CherryBomb24]

Is he on probation? Are there any restrictions regarding him caring for, or having contact with, the children, especially while he's still abusing alcohol?

yeah he's on probation, not allowed to be around alcohol. theres nothing saying he cant be around his kids. He's sneaky with the alcohol and so far no one has seen him with any, but i'm not stupid. i'm the one awake every night when he comes staggering in.

Has your mom needed to defend herself when your cousin has been drunk? Are you very worried he'll turn violent or she'll need to protect herself and her home from these people?

he hasnt become violent towards my mom but has towards his idiot of a wife and people at the bar that step in his way. yes i'm worried he'll go after her or my son or anyone else in the house while he's intoxicated.

Regarding the kids, where is their mother while you're caring for them? That is, why are YOU being forced to watch them?

Are their parents paying you to babysit? If not, have you told them your mom isn't capable of caring for their kids, so leaving them with her is not an option, but if they'd like you to provide childcare, they'll need to arrange that with you in advance and pay you for your work, just as they'd have to any other provider/babysitter?

nope...she's either sitting in the living room on the couch, dining room at the supper table or napping on the couch.

If they refuse to do that, obviously you'll still need to watch the kids, BUT you should document the details (including why your mom/anyone else in your home is unable to care for the kids that day) every time it happens. Build a case that you can use to show these people owe you money and/or are unfit parents in the future.

i have a feeling they'll refuse to pay either of us to babysit considering she's right here when we are babysitting. I guess her idea of being an attentive mom is just being in the same room. I'm the one getting her kids out of stuff, feedin them, changing them,playing with them, watching cartoons with them, ect...

Also, have you talked to your mom about how you feel about being forced to care for these kids and your need for her to not commit you to that responsibility in the future? Have you tried sympathizing with her about the kids' circumstances being heartbreaking and your mutual desire to see the well cared for, then asking if you two could come up with some solutions so you're not continually put in a bad position?

every time i try talking to her about it she gets pissed off at me saying "dammit, i'm not gonna put up with this bickering shit anymore, if you dont like them being here then leave"

Are you paying for their stuff, or are your parents? If it's the latter, there's really nothing you can do about it.

i'm not paying for there stuff, since i quit my job my funds are limited and with money i provide only for my son and my car payments.

Why is anyone providing these people with non-necessities like cigarettes and soda?

the soda is a free for all type deal here. We all pitch in to buy the soda, accept my cousin and his wife. My parents are paying for their cigs.

Don't these people have jobs, or any form of income? If so, where is their money going if it's not going to rent and essential expenses? If not, why not?

cousin has a job because its part of his probation. He has no choice in holding a job. The money goes to child support to his ex wife and fines that he's acquired over the years. he doesnt take home much and what little he does take home, no one sees.

Does he know about your cousin staying at night now?
In a very calm, rational, loving manner, have you asked him why he hasn't put an end to it? Is it possible he's overwhelmed by your mom's problems and/or doesn't want to add to her issues by contradicting her when she's so concerned with the kids involved?

Yeah he knows, but hasnt said anythin to them- just me and my siblings.
I dont think he has said anything to my mom or not tho.

How are the kids holding up? Is this situation affecting your son?

the kids actually seem really stressed. They're very very nervous.
Example - i was tickling my son like crazy earlier, he'd get up and run away with a big old grin on his face, then run back n jump on the couch for more. Her son is 2. He sat very quietly on the floor, didnt move at all from that spot. I tried getting him to come play with us but he wouldnt. Like he was scared to move without his moms permission. i asked her about it, she said 'oh he's in time out for being naughty n not eatin lunch'
A few minutes went by so i got him up and basically made him play with us - after a few minutes he lightened up and got in the spirit, next thing i knew - him and my lil guy were wrestling on pillows sprawled on the floor.
My kid doesnt seem to affected by it, he's got a playmate in the house so he seems content with it. I dont think he understands the whole situation.

Have you tried asking someone like a social worker for suggestions on minimizing the negative impact on all the kids involved and your parents?

i didnt think of taking it to a social worker, quite honestly i was hoping i didnt have to. The kids are awesome kids, i dont want to see them taken but somethings gotta give. I think the guy she moved in with when she moved to a different state really did a number on them. The oldest seems so afraid of everyone, but since he's been here i see that spark back in him. The "i'm gonna playyyyy!!!!!!!!!!" that all kids should have.
In all honesty i think them being here is great for the kids. They've livened up so much the past few weeks.

Maybe someone like that could even help you find ways to get paid for caring for your mom at home so you could still work toward your goals while tending to your family.

i didnt know i could?
My goals right now are just getting my life and emotions on track.
For the first time in years i stood up for myself about a month or so back, i'm slowly getting my old self back. I have never had a problem standing up for other people, its myself i have trouble protecting. And i dont want to stop or put that on hold now. I want my old self back - i want to stop lettin people walk on me, but i also have to stop people from walkin on my parents, know what i mean?

 

[CherryBomb24]

and fyi - it took me like 10 minutes to figure out how to do the quote thing on multiple questions lol

 

[CherryBomb24]

i'm sorry, cherrybomb, but i agree that there's nothing you can do.

if you feel you have to do something, get your parents to go to an AA meeting. i know they're not the alcoholics here, but they need perspective and perhaps to hear from other alcoholics that their response to the situation does nothing to stop it.

ed

my mom grew up with a severely abusive alcoholic father, so she knows all about AA meetings and such. I dont think theyll be up for that. Mom doesnt even like going outside much less leaving the house.