Anthy's Authorial Advice - The AAA Review Thread

[anthrodisiac]

Review for Kinzi Young Rides Again by @DirtyPollyAnna, Part 7:

And... we're done! Okay, so I guess this isn't really part 7, but the damn thing went over the character limit, so here we are... with "part 7."

Congrats on making it through Anthy's most bloviating long-winded gasbaggish in-depth review to date! I know, it's a lot. Here's the big thing I want you to take away. This was a good story. You did a good job with it for the most part, especially for a newer writer. There are some hallmarks of being a newer writer, but this is honestly one of the better stories I've seen from someone with your level of experience.

You don't need to take away every lesson from here all at once. I wouldn't expect you to incorporate everything I've brought to the table in one go. Give it some time, read this a few times, understand some of the larger principles at play. I'd recommend starting with voice and dialogue, those are the two areas I think could use the most work. Understand that these are things that even experienced writers struggle with, so you are by no means alone in this. In the Authors' Hangout, I started a pair of craft-based threads specifically dedicated to these topics that I think you would really benefit from (most people would benefit from reading them, actually, but we're just here for you right now). Voice in particular is something that eludes a lot of writers for a while, but don't let that deter you. Check out On Writing: Voice and On Writing: Dialogue. You can also check out the more general tips and tricks thread from @StillStunned A place to discuss the craft of writing: tricks, philosophies, styles. You don't need to participate in any of them, but there are a lot of writers who have contributed a lot of combined knowledge, and while some tools and techniques might not fit with your style and goals, others might. Writing is all about finding what things work for you, learning what those are, and trying out new things. It's an interative process of discovery and experimentation, one where you can write for 100 years and never stop learning things, which is pretty friggin' nifty in my book!

Every single writer has been in the place you are now: just starting out and trying to navigate the challenges and intracacies of writing. And you've already taken a pretty big step just by publishing, and an even bigger one besides by asking for someone to provide you with feedback. That says to me you're someone who's legitimately interested in improving their craft, and I have the utmost respect for those authors.

One final note: All of this feedback is one writer's opinion. Very little of what I've said is definitive, authoritative fact, hard rules, or anything more than an informed critique based on my writing, feedback, and mentoring experience. You might disagree with some of my thoughts, and that's all right, it's a very normal part of the feedback and critique process. Evaluate everything with the understanding that nobody knows your story better than you. Don't dismiss something out of hand, but if you find that the advice doesn't suit you, you are more than welcome to toss it. As I frequently say free, take what helps you and chuck the rest. I'm simply trying to do what I can to help you become a better writer, and to craft the best damn story you can, and it's possible I missed the mark on some of these things. In the end, you are the final arbiter of the story, not me, not the readers, you.

Keep up the great work. I expect you will have a lot of success as you continue to evolve and grow as a writer, and I'm glad to have (hopefully) been able to be a part of your learning experience. Thank you for trusting me with your story

 

[anthrodisiac]

And that wraps up my current queue. I'm free up if anyone has a ~10k-word or less story they'd like feedback on. If you're considering submitting one, please read the first post so you know what to expect and provide me with the appropriate information to accompany your request.

Otherwise, my review time will instead be going to polishing up my Implicit Cues essay.

 

[CalBishForNow]

Sure, why not, I'll throw Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? out there. 9-10K words, Group Sex with minor magic/MC elements.

It was my Halloween contest entry last year, and as such was standalone. After writing it, I briefly had sequel ideas, but for six months my ongoing series and other things felt like much higher priorities. Then, just 2 weeks ago, LitCon came along and inspiration struck. So I'll ask for feedback in case I have that affliction again.

 

[Erozetta]

Dream a Little Dream of Me 7.1k words - Erotic Couplings - One character telling another character about a frustrating sex dream involving the two of them.

The Magician's Doll 6.9k words - Fetish - A subway encounter on Halloween is half targeted and half luck of the draw, but fully a fun ride, I hope.

You have a choice here, either one works for me.

Dream a Little Dream of Me has been reviewed by both Stacnash and Commentarista, so if you want to do a brutal takedown, you can be number three in line! LOL But this is two years old at this point and I know you said you prefer to review newer works as many mistakes will have been corrected between then and now and I fully understand that. This was an experimental work, and a fun one, but it's also probably my weakest story writing wise and I'm fully aware of that. There is a lot you can easily pick apart here to show many writers exactly what *not* to do when writing.


The Magician's Doll is my most recent longer work that isn't an old work that has been edited for release and is over 3k words (Yeah, my most recent is only 2,700 words and won't really let you sink your teeth into a good take down on it, but you're more than welcome if you'd like to try and do a review longer than the story!) This is my most current style. It's technically better written, but it's also just a really simple romance with noncon elements (Both are consenting, neither actually say it, pure body language consent is all that's given and taken.) This one has its own problems because I'm not as careful of an editor as I should be, and I'd be amused if you pick out more than I did upon reviewing it, lol.


Writing experience: have been doing it a long time, still learning grammar rules and putting them to use, but also failing to adhere to some, partially out of laziness and partially because I can't find clear-cut answers on exactly the right way to do some specific things, so I do what feels right. I am mildly dyslexic so I sometimes reverse word order or leave out words entirely, and often have transposed letters that I don't always catch.

Things to look for: my main interest in writing is characters. I'm not big on descriptions of places or appearances, but I hope my characters feel genuine in their stories and I hope they don't come across as cardboard cut outs.

Known weaknesses: grammar, entirely missing words, poor use of ... (I like it, I'm sorry...) Bad scene setting and world building

Known strengths: hoo boy do I insert a healthy dose of drama and angst into everything I write. This could also be seen as a weakness.

Flip a coin, roll a die, give advice however you see fit!

 

[Daddy_Daimion]

Logismoi

I came across this and thought why not give it a go. This was written more a a piece to deal with unsure emotions and cravings that had not fully come to fruition. It was a try to quiet a storm of things through a lens of breaking them into smaller components. It’s is letter and transcript and therefore was DOA for any kind of viewership.

Thank you in advance.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Sure, why not, I'll throw Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? out there. 9-10K words, Group Sex with minor magic/MC elements.

It was my Halloween contest entry last year, and as such was standalone. After writing it, I briefly had sequel ideas, but for six months my ongoing series and other things felt like much higher priorities. Then, just 2 weeks ago, LitCon came along and inspiration struck. So I'll ask for feedback in case I have that affliction again.

Before I proceed with the review, could you clarify a few things for me?

Firstly, the link and title of the link don't align. The link takes me to your LitCon entry, Corrupting the Innocent?, but the rest of your request seems to be for a different story, Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? I ran into this issue previously, so I want to make sure I review the right story out of the gate.

Second, could you share your writing experience, how long you've been writing, if there any particular elements you want me to keep an especially close eye on, and what you hope to get out of this review, so I can best tailor my feedback for you.

Thank you

 

[CalBishForNow]

Before I proceed with the review, could you clarify a few things for me?

Firstly, the link and title of the link don't align. The link takes me to your LitCon entry, Corrupting the Innocent?, but the rest of your request seems to be for a different story, Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? I ran into this issue previously, so I want to make sure I review the right story out of the gate.

Second, could you share your writing experience, how long you've been writing, if there any particular elements you want me to keep an especially close eye on, and what you hope to get out of this review, so I can best tailor my feedback for you.

Thank you

Sorry about that! I'm seeking feedback on Dancing Naked in the Moonlight?, not the sequel. Here's the correct link, and I've fixed it above. The sequel gives almost as much "screen time" to other writers' characters as to my own, so it would be complicated.

My job is writing-adjacent, so in that sense I'm experienced, but it's nonfiction and I don't create the documents I work with myself, I'm just editing, formatting, tracking, etc. All the fiction I've completed since college more than 20 years ago is my Lit account and one NaNoWriMo novel. I'm just looking to get general improvement out of the request. I've just been writing here for fun this whole time, which is, well, fun, but I feel like at some point I should think about the craft of it more.

 

[FrancesScott]

I will throw my hat in the ring with Cupid’s Arrow of Time, one of two entries I had in the recent Valentine’s Competition. It is a very short story at 2,000 words.

There is intentional misdirection as to what is going on, along with clues provided to be fair to the reader.

I wanted to deliver some emotional heft in a very small number of words, and also to give a sense of the span of a lifetime. I also wanted to create a feeling about the Iocation, and it being meaningful and special. Finally, there was a didactic objective relating to not forgetting history.

That’s a lot to cover in 2,000 words. Much of what I write here is to challenge myself.

I’ve not been here very long, but the 19 stories I have on Literotica are not my first experience of writing. Contrary to popular belief, I am neither a Literature Professor nor do I have any formal training in writing.

I intentionally adopt a literary tone, and I am aware that my work embraces recherché words and is flowery compared to much that is written on Literotica. I’ve written pastiches of both F Scott Fitzgerald and Arthur Conan Dolye’s styles here. Even in my own voice, I am fully aware that my prose can be elevated, particularly for erotica.

Finally, I have had some gratifying feedback from other authors. But I’d appreciate any thoughts as to whether my style and choices limit the appeal of my work to more general audiences.

Thank you in advance.

 

[Pemulis]

Hi there, looking for feedback A Place To Crash, Pt. 1, my first ever piece of erotic fiction. I have on and off prior experience and background in writing; though it's not my profession, I've had non-fiction / essays published. Writing fiction, however, is mostly new to me save for the occasional amateur attempt.

The story is part 1 in an FFM threesome story with a bit of an oral-fetish bend to it. It's a bit of a slow burn, and I'm particularly interested in establishing character dynamics that feel fleshed out and convincing. In line with that, I'm also interested in feedback on the narrator's voice; whether or not it's compelling, effectively pulls the reader in, etc. Though obviously any and all feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

 

[anthrodisiac]

Well, my queue's definitely not empty anymore

 

[anthrodisiac]

So, this is a bit unusual. There was miscommunication between myself and @DirtyPolyAnna about her goals for the story that we were able to clear up after I posted my initial review, and that changes the calculus for a decent chunk of my feedback around Kinzi Young Rides Again.

I debated even mentioning it here, because we were able to sort it out privately, but this is as good a teaching lesson as any. Sometimes, the goals of the reviewer and the goals of the reviewee aren't totally in alignment. Miscommunication can lead to taking the wrong lens of viewing the story. Reviewing can work simply on the merits of the story, but reviewing works best, in my opinion, when it helps to understand what the writer was trying to accomplish. For example: I mistook the writer using a more literary voice as something I've seen in a lot of newer writers who want to come off more professional, usually because they're insecure in their writing and want to seem "big league," even though it doesn't fit character voice. In actuality, this was the intended voice for Kinzi, to connote a more educated person. The style did indeed match the voice. The issue was not that the voice was wrong, it's that it wasn't fully initialized at the start in a way that better lampshaded that this was, indeed, who Kinzi is. That's more of a failure on my part not to realize this as it is anything else. Do I risk looking foolish in missing something that apparently was obvious to several other people? Absolutely. But this is a thread about learning things, and this is a valuable lesson.

So, in the interest of full transparency, I will share what I told the author privately here (making sure to respect her privacy with light editing to keep it in line with how I would normally post my review material), to both give her more credit for accomplishing her goals than I initially thought, and to make sure it's better understood that she is even more capable a writer than I already said she was. The issues were not as great as I initially thought. This is someone to keep an eye on.

Review, part 8:
Kinzi makes a lot more sense to me now that you've explained what your intent was. I mistook the more educated, literary voice for something I see a lot in newer writers, which is trying to write literary even when that narrative style doesn't fit the character. But in this case, it did fit the character, so that was an error in judgement on my part, and not a failing on yours. She's more educated and not the standard pornstar bimbo that people believe pornstars to be, which is good. But anytime you're working against a stereotype (and this is an annoying part of writing non-conforming characters, but one that's at least a little bit required for making sure the audience is on-board with who they are), it's good to lampshade it a bit at the start. It highlights "yes, the voice you're hearing from this person isn't what's expected, but that's on purpose." In retrospect, you actually did a good job of this, but I think just a smidge more at the start, rather than more in the middle when it really starts to come up, might have helped to seed it a little better. I didn't notice the disconnect until we were kind deep in the scene, and if it had come up sooner, it would've felt a bit more consistent in tone and I doubt I would've come to the conclusion I did. You don't need much, you're 90% of the way there.

The other thing you mentioned is that you wrote her more detached and educated on purpose, which fits the voice, and was mostly successful. However, in first-person POV, there's a reader expectation that we get access to the character's inner thoughts and workings, and the reason for the disconnect I felt with Kinzi was that we weren't getting some of those thoughts in places where I would've expected them — especially to do with her anxieties and reasons for liking Matt. Having those thoughts and feelings provides deeper insight into Kinzi as a character, which makes it easier to connect with her. So even if she's more detached on the outside, her inner world is still something that the reader can connect to.

I know most people don't prioritize depth of character like I do, which is fine in most erotic works, but given your stated goal of showing that pornstars are real, complex people beyond their stereotypes, having that bit of extra depth and insight would help the reader connect with Kinzi on a visceral level, because they understand her motivations, and see her pain very acutely. It would help show how real she is — more than just Kinzi Young, aging pornstar, but Alison Scott, worried human being. You did a good job showing it already, this is all about that extra bit of depth to really drive the point home on an incredibly visceral level.

The other thing is that the dialogue did feel a little stiff, but that's a very common thing for a lot of writers, and yours is actually less stiff compared to writers with more experience under their belt than you, so you're ahead of the pack there. My dialogue when I started out was... Well, the nicest thing we can call it is overly stiff, but really, it was just trash. Yours isn't bad, it just needs a bit more of a natural touch to it, more so Matt's than Kinzi's, I'd say. I think the On Writing: Dialogue thread would be good to look at. There are a lot of tips from a bunch of people about how to create more natural dialogue, theories of dialogue, a lot of experience and resources that I wish I'd had as a writer starting out.

Overall, you did a great job of hitting your goals. If I'd been reading this for pleasure, I wouldn't have dig into this as much. But like I said before, I recognize you have a lot of talent, and this is all meant to help you grow even more as a writer. Keep up the good work!

 

[anthrodisiac]

Review for Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? by @CalBishForNow, part 1:

This is a very solid and mostly well-executed Halloween stroker. The writing itself is competent and executed well. Premise is pretty straight-forward and easy to follow, dipping into some fun disinhibition tropes via magic and the general fuckery that goes with it. I enjoyed it, it was a the perfect story for Halloween.

That said, it has a couple big elements that are holding it back from jumping from good to stellar.

The first is one I've brought up here before: corruption/mind-control/disinhibition. When we get stories where the POV character's mental state starts to shift, it's really good to get a solid before, during, and after picture. We get after very well, the kind of fucking we'd expect from someone drinking a brew that lowers inhibitions. We get a decent picture before, stereotypical suburban wife. We even get a couple flashes of her noting things are off as she goes from housewife to houseslut. However, there's almost no sense of uncertainty from Sarah as she notices her husband being overly familiar with Jane, flashing her ass at Saturn, or sucking his cock. A little bit, but it's buried in the middle of paragraphs where it's easy to overlook and isn't highlighted very well. (Like this right here!)

Additionally, because we aren’t familiar with her as a character or her situation with Tom, it’s possible that this is perfectly normal behavior for her (which is why her noting "this isn't how I normally am" would come in handy). The vibe she gives off is more or less standard suburban wife, the image most people have of which comes with sensibility and mild sexual conservatism. Because this is her in a disinhibited state, and not her normal behavior as far as I can tell, we should get a bit of friction or at least have her note the lack of friction with something to indicate this isn’t how she normally is. In order to properly highlight those moments of friction and uncertainty, having them at the beginning or end of paragraphs helps better highlight them for the reader so they don’t miss them. Information at the start and end of paragraphs tends to be more easily noticed, and is a good way to make information stand out as "you shoud remember this" than if it's buried partway in five- or six-sentence paragraph.

The other main issue is that, at the end, it's made clear that this party was thrown with Sarah as the guest of honor, with the idea of trying to induct her into the coven/sisterhood/what-have-you. But I didn't get a sense of that at any point, that Sarah was special beyond the fact she's the POV character, or what it is about Sarah that drew Miranda to her. It felt more like something tacked onto the end rather than the whole point of the story. More foreshadowing, bringing out some quality of Sarah that Miranda picked up on, making her more than stereotypical suburban mom. The story should've felt more like an awakening than a simple disinhibition, less like she's just getting super horny and okay with whatever, and more like she's becoming something she was always meant to.

To a degree, this would've been a good angle to have with Harley as well, though that's more just a bonus, given you have a follow-up with Harley and there's mention at the end of Harley being ready for "next year."

Couple things to follow up on along this vein:

Stan gripped Sarah's hips hard enough to pinch and she welcomed it, knowing he was close to what she was already in the middle of, eager to feel his seed fill her, sure it would complete the change she had been in the middle of all night, if not all her life.

There’s not really any indication of “change” prior to this that Sarah’s thinking about. Would’ve been good to have a bit more sense of this prior to the line. Especially because of the "if not all her life" line. If we'd been given a better sense that she's more than suburban mom in the first part of the story, this line, and subsequent reveal that this was all for her benefit to awaken something, would've rung more true.

"I see," Sarah said. She thought carefully about her next question. "Is the juice a test?"

Miranda scoffed. "You see any number two pencils here? I don't do tests. I gave you a choice. You made it. I happen to like the choice you made, but it was your choice."

This doesn’t really feel like a choice, though. Sarah was just told she could drink the zombie juice after the witches’ brew. It would’ve been more of a choice if she’d had an active decision to make with some understanding of what the consequences were. It would've helped to accentuate the "desire for disinhibition, but control" vs. "total surrender" of someone who wasn't cut out to join Miranda's sisterhood. But as it stands, it was simply:

"Have all the witches' brew you want. Whenever you've had enough, switch to the zombie juice,"

Not nearly enough information to actually have been a choice in any meaningful way that would show something about who Sarah is/is becoming.

All right, let's talk characters a bit more. In the beginning, the voices of the characters were quite strong, Sarah and Harley in particular. We got the teen 'tude, the mom wrangling things, kinda bumbling husband. But as we get into the sex portion of the story, their character evaporates pretty quickly in favor of giving us heat. It becomes less a story about these people, and they simply become meat vehicles for reader titilation. The driver is a bit more nuanced than "author says go fuck," which is good, but the scenes are mostly about action, not people. In a stroker, that's not too big an issue, but in a story about someone's awakening like this, and the changes in people's attitudes as the result of drinking their respective juices, I would've liked to have seen that characterization stay strong throughout.

While the sex is hot, it did start to have a bit of a choreographed feel. They did this, then they did that (I caught a lot of instances of "then" throughout, especially once we got to the sex portion). This is pretty common for strokers, where we want to give the reader some sexy action to think about. But we didn't often dive past that, into the sensations and feelings of the characters. We got it to a degree, but I think focusing on that, especially how the brew effected their sensations of pleasure, would've added a bit of extra spice to an already decently hot scene.

I have a similar feeling with the most recent chapter of my current series. It felt a little stiff, and I went and checked and had 47 instances of "then" in the work. Over 9k worth of sex, maybe not that bad, but I did try to mitigate the "and now they're doing this" feeling by including sensation, working in dialogue, character thoughts, interspersing other elements beyond simple description of the action. Not sure how successful I was at it, but those are all things that can be done to help mitigate the feeling that we're reading stage directions (which, I'd like to clarify, wasn't a very strong feeling I had when reading your work, but when I went back to see what was bugging me, this seemed to be one of the factors).

The other thing is that while this is a supernatural story, I didn't really get much feeling that it was. Sure, we have a literal god, a satyr, magic brew, but the supernatural elements really were more background than foreground. I would've loved to have had more focus on Saturn's supernatural vibe beyond his scent and glowing, a godspark, something. Halloween stories are the perfect time to lean more heavily into those supernatural elements, not shy away from them.

There are a lot of characters to keep track of, which was noted in someone's comment, with your follow-up about wanting 13 people at the party. Totally get why, makes sense to have 13, but that's a lot of people's names to keep track of, a lot of extra information for the reader to juggle. I believe it led to a continuity error as well:

Tom was previously dancing with unnamed dryad woman right before Sarah goes upstairs. After Sarah and Miranda fuck, Amy is giving Harley a massage upstairs. Yet when Sarah goes downstairs, Tom is suddenly dancing with Amy, when he should have been dancing with dryad woman given the context, and the fact that Amy should still be upstairs with Harley.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Review for Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? by @CalBishForNow, part 2:

All right, that wraps up the story-level feedback, let's get to craft-level!

There are a lot of hybrid speech/action tags. I usually advise sticking with pure action tags unless the flow is better when using both or it’s important for the reader to know the action is taking place as they’re talking. Having both is unnecessary and slows the pacing, as well as over-explaining things.

Ex:
Harley whined, making a last-ditch effort to have an evening alone with her phone. > Harley whined (dialogue itself should connote the second part without authorial overexplaining)
Miranda gushed as she opened the door and flung her arms wide for a hug. > Miranda opened the door and flung her arms wide for a hug.
she asked, holding the cupcakes a little higher, and Tom got the bottle of wine out of the bag. > She held the cupcakes a little higher, and Tom got the bottle of wine out of the bag.
she said, motioning to one of the two bowls on the table. > She motioned to one of the two bowls on the table.
Sarah asked with a nod towards Harley. > Sarah nodded toward Harley.

It's often not really that important to note that someone is doing an action at the same time as they're speaking. Usually, when I see people doing this they're trying to make the dialogue come across more dynamic, almost like they're watching a movie or play or TV show. However, what it actually does is serve as a crutch to not make the dialogue able to stand on its own. Dialogue can often convey much of the feeling and vibe without having to throw in accouterments to make it snappier or more impressive or dynamic. It can actually weaken the dialogue in some cases by taking focus away from what was said, and instead focusing on the specifics of how it was said.

In fact, almost all the dialogue is accompanied by more than bare speech tags, or simple action tags. There's frequently something along the lines of the hybrid approach, where someone is doing something while talking, or some authorial explaination as to why someone is saying something. These all draw attention away from the dialogue, which is your best tool for giving characters voice and having them have some depth. Readers are smart, they can pick up your cues if you give them enough hints. And even then, sometimes it's good to leave things ambiguous.

The best part of reading is that the reader envisions their own version of the world. The more tightly you hold the reins on exactly the order and way things are happening, the less control the reader has over the world they're creating. Some writers prefer that, others prefer a more lax approach. Both have their pros and cons. I personally believe in a more lax hold to let the reader build their own version; it's the thing I like best about reading, knowing that this is something that is totally unique, and someone else reading it will have a slightly different version, different series of events. The more control a writer exerts over the scene, the closer you get to a movie, where there's no room for interpretation, no room for imagination, and the reader is spoon-feeding the reader their exact vision. If that's what you want, great, go for it. But I feel that approach makes the scene feel less dynamic and alive, less organic, too rigid, and ultimately, less fun as a result.

His smell was unusual too, a mix of loam - maybe he had been gardening earlier in the day? - and rum and tobacco.

You should be using em-dashes, not hyphens in this case. — instead of -

All right, that wraps us up! Overall, you did a good job with this story. Like I said before, you're a technically proficient writer, that much is quite clear. I'd encourage you to bring out a bit more depth of character, try to make sure not to lose who they are as we get into the sexy bits, and see about making your writing a bit more fluid and loose, and less choreographed.

Keep up the good work

 

[CalBishForNow]

Review for Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? by @CalBishForNow, part 1:

Review for Dancing Naked in the Moonlight? by @CalBishForNow, part 2:

Thanks! A lot to take in there. Some things I might have thought of if I had taken the time for a more thorough review, I'm not sure how much time I gave myself about that story but I know I often cut them short in general, some things I probably never would have thought of on my own.

There are a lot of hybrid speech/action tags. I usually advise sticking with pure action tags unless the flow is better when using both or it’s important for the reader to know the action is taking place as they’re talking. Having both is unnecessary and slows the pacing, as well as over-explaining things.

I feel like defending some examples of those, as necessary clarification or an attempt at humor, but (a) there's no point in nitpicking constructive criticism, and (b) I can't defend every one of them. Just one more thing to look for in my final-draft reviews, I guess.

 

[anthrodisiac]

I feel like defending some examples of those, as necessary clarification or an attempt at humor, but (a) there's no point in nitpicking constructive criticism, and (b) I can't defend every one of them. Just one more thing to look for in my final-draft reviews, I guess.

I'm not saying never use them. Hell, I use them, and you'd be hard-pressed to find a writer who doesn't. I'd just cut back on their usage when they aren't necessary for clarification or aren't doing something specific. They do make for good humor elements, as there's something funny about someone doing something at the same time as talking. Flow is another good use case, when you want something flowery and blending of dialogue with whatever comes after it for some sort of cadence or rhythm. With any tool that sticks out a bit, though (and hybrids always stick out to me; probably less so readers, but too much and it can start to plink at them a bit), the more you use it, the less impact it has, so strategic deployment is what I'd aim for. I'd recommend taking a look at how often it's being used, and when to cut back. What specifically is it doing in that instance, and is it helping the reader/story at all? And, more importantly, is it a hindrence? Whether that be due to encumbrance, or weakening the dialogue via overexplaination, etc.

 

[OldKenDoll]

Putting my hand up if you've got room for one more.

Standing Order

• Mature. A long-marriage couple settle into a quiet private arrangement after the wife asks for it. First-person from her side. A Tuesday afternoon in May: the shed, the kitchen, the bedroom. Warm and comic-domestic in register, pub anecdote rather than literary; the bedroom stuff sits inside the same fabric as the tea and the apple tree.
• Tags: mature, married couple, long marriage, domestic, slow build, husband and wife, gentle, first person
• About four months of publishing on Lit, eleven stories. Still settling my voice and figuring out which categories work for me.
• Two specific things I'd value: (1) whether the prose lands as a Mature story or just as Erotic Couplings with older characters, first time in this category and not sure I've calibrated; (2) whether Hilary and Geoff read as a couple with thirty-one years behind them, or whether they're carrying a scenario rather than living a marriage.

(Ken doll. Retired. Plenty of time, modest grip. Grateful in advance.)