Approaching the ladies....

[BlueATHeart]

Well ok this is my first post about me, so please be nice...

I'm looking for some honest advice and I hope people can help me...honestly.

So here's the deal:

I'm a 19 year old male virgin (you name it I haven't done it) who is VERY unsure around women (i'm not ugly but not very attractive either). I'm going out to the bar with some friends tommorow (saturday) night and well I'm going to end up being pushed by them to approach someone. And I KNOW I'm going to get shot down in horrible flames...

I tend to shoot myself in the foot whenever I DO find a lady that likes me enough to talk to me though. I tend to listen to much, when I do try to advance it (weeks later usually) I'm usually shot down because I'm "to nice a guy". Sorry but WTF does that mean?

So the question is:
How do I approach a lady at the bar/club without making an ass of myself? or better yet having a at least a fighting chance?

I'm willing to take constructive critisicism. but I don't need any "you're a loser...get out more" posts. I know that, that's why I'm going out tommorow night...

Thank you in advance!
-David

 

[ChasingShadowsX]

Ok heres my tips.

If you don't want your looks to be an issue try not worrying about what they look like... as in start low for confidence then work your way up. So if they're the type of girl you think doesn't get a lot of attention go and give her some.

Second try and find the girls who are drunk, they will just be easier .

Third don't even think about picking them up, pretend like you've known them forever and they are your best mate.

Fourth, don't wait to make a move just make the move, just go for gold as fast as possible. The worst that can happen is you leave with what you came into the bar / club with... nothing. But if you don't put yourself out there then you will DEFINATELY leave with nothing.

Fifth, just ask questions... And listen, don't try to give them your life story or anything, sure try and be a little funny and laugh with them but don't babble on too much girls only care about themselves at first.

 

[magnoliasouth]

I'm with ChasingShadowsX on this but let me add a couple of things.

Best advice: Be yourself. It's very easy for a young woman to pick out a guy who is shy and nervous and when said shy-guy is trying to fake otherwise, it just looks bad.

If you're new at this, don't go for the one gorgeous chick who is surrounded by both guys and gals. It's not that she's out of your league, but experience is a must first.

With that in mind, pick someone similar to yourself. I know that's hard in a club, but take the time to look around and survey everyone. There's plenty of shy women there too who would just LOVE the attention and her shyness just might build up your confidence.

Just my two cents.

 

[Eilan]

For some reason, I didn't see this thread earlier, so my input is probably no longer relevant.

--Don't let your "friends" push you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. Approach a woman because YOU want to to get to know her better, not because you feel like you need to prove something to your buddies. If they insist on pushing you, start going out without them or find friends that don't act like they're still in junior high.

--If you go out intending to hook up, you'll likely be disappointed.

--Rejection happens to everyone at one time or another, but if you expect to be shot down, you will be.

--Be confident (confident and arrogant are not the same thing, BTW). If you lack confidence, try the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" approach.

I'm not gonna get into the nice guy stuff here. Here's an interesting thread.

Good luck.

 

[Norajane]

I tend to shoot myself in the foot whenever I DO find a lady that likes me enough to talk to me though. I tend to listen to much, when I do try to advance it (weeks later usually) I'm usually shot down because I'm "to nice a guy". Sorry but WTF does that mean?

I think guys have a HUGE misconception about 'nice guy' and attraction. They keep assuming that, since they're getting shot down, it's because they're too nice. That's not it. It's just that she's not attracted to you.

If you weren't a nice guy, you'd get shot down anyway, except you'd probably hear "Get lost, loser" because you weren't nice. Since you are nice, you get the "you're a nice guy, but I just want to be friends."

Maybe if all women just said, "sorry, I'm just not that into you," or "fuck off loser," it would be more clear?

As for what you should be doing, meeting girls in bars is probably the wrong place to look for a real relationship. Hook-ups, maybe, if that's what you want. Real relationships can usually be found while you're doing the things that matter to you - your classes, if you're in college, sports, drama, comedy, writing, basket-weaving, whatever. Those activities give you common ground for conversations as well as getting to know each other in a non-anxiety inducing way where you don't have to go up to a stranger in a bar you know nothing about except for how much she drinks in a bar and what she chooses to wear.

 

[TheIndigoSultan]

You might try joining some community groups that have young women in them. If your not into church or something religious, try a volunteer group, or a book club or whatever you enjoy. If you can be in the group, be yourself, not try to get dates and start to make friends, then a friendship can grow into something more. I didn't date until I was in college. I think that all but one girl I ever dated (and yes I did date enough in college to have an opinion) started as a friendship that grew into more.

 

[Ron54]

Someone just told me about some of the programs that the county I live in run and how many peoply met there spouce there. THey have hiking, rock climbing, conoeing and all types of activities. It is cheap or free and you get into a social situation doing things you like to do with people who are also interested in those activities. I haven't tried it (married no need) but makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[BlueATHeart]

I have to first start by apoligizing for not replying sooner, I've been very busy lately with school and that's been my primary focus.

That being said however I have to thank everyone who replyed for their candor. It IS appreciated...

Unfortunatly I think my main issue boils down to a lack of confidence, I do get out into the community, and I have several female friends. But they never seem to be any more then that.

I REALLY hope that this thread doedn't come across as me just bitching and complaining. It's not. I'm just lonely, and trying desperatly to have someone to share my lide with, no matter how long it lasts....

maybe that's not the healthyest(sp) thing in the world (mentally or physically) but then again I'm about ready to give up caring....

I look forward to anymore advice if it's out there. And PLEASE don't hesitate to be honest, as long as it's constructive I'll apreciate it. Honestly

thanks again everyone!
-David

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

...Unfortunatly I think my main issue boils down to a lack of confidence, I do get out into the community, and I have several female friends. But they never seem to be any more then that.
-David

David, most of the sexiest men I know had a bit of a slow start, so first of all, assume this is going to change for you.

You got some great advice on this thread, including approaching some of the more shy girls that are not at the centre of the room. Also, the bar scene doesn't favour shy people.

What are you proud of about yourself? If you say a few things you like about yourself, people might be able to give you more specific advice about how to play to your strengths.

Also, try joining some flirty chat on literotica, just to try out saying some playful sexy things. I admire you for asking for some help on this. Great that some of the men here are speaking up.

here's to getting it wet soon! cheers.

 

[Olivia_Yearns]

One more thing, David. The way you started this thread, by asking people to be kind:

Well ok this is my first post about me, so please be nice...
-David

is fine here. But it is important, I think, not to send a "please be kind to me" message in dating situations. The thing is that, if you send a 'please be kind' message, then women will feel like being nice to you, but it isn't a sexy message. It might make them see you more like a kid brother.

Getting involved with anyone involves at least a little risk. No one wants to get invovled if they think the other person isn't ready for that risk. And if you don't feel ready, then take the pressure off yourself. So what if you wait a bit longer? There are more guys around you in the same situation then you think. Everyone thinks they are the last virgin. You're not!

 

[Programmer Cat]

Save your money, go to Nevada, and engage the services of a prostitute. That way you can get the virginity issue out of the way.