April Poetry Challenge 1

[Wat_Tyler]

No reason for Fear.
They've done all possible things
and I'm still not dead.

 

[Wand3rlust]

When you said 'Let's meet'
My heart skipped a beat and I
died. What are the odds?

 

[Lighthousenorth]

Front side or back side?
When I finally had chosen
My erection gone

 

[Photog1rl]

Salt, sand, sun, perfect
cold sea spray teasing my skin
Like your soft kisses

 

[Wordcascade]

Lube Job

Snarled lip drawn, sweat beads
on skin; I lurch forward hard
smash my knuckle, curse

 

[AlinaX]

Salt, sand, sun, perfect
cold sea spray teasing my skin
Like your soft kisses

I feel the simile breaks the tension. Maybe the last line could be something like:

your kisses in church

 

[Photog1rl]

I feel the simile breaks the tension. Maybe the last line could be something like:

your kisses in church

Hmmm, I can see that the last line could be stronger but I don’t know if it is a simile.
The church line doesn’t resonate and feels out of place-for me-but I’d be interested in hearing more of your thought process.

Salt, sand, sun, perfect
cold sea spray teasing my skin
setting me on fire

 

[AlinaX]

You create a very sharp image with salt and sand, and then do direct comparison with soft. Which throws me.

Generally I think it's bad to make explicit comparisons in haiku/senryu (says Alina like some sort of expert). Unnecessary too. The reader should understand the connections and comparisons.

The church idea I like and dislike because experience of church is such a personal thing, but there's an erotic transgression in the idea of even kissing in church, especially if that kiss inspires the wild freedom of the beach.

setting me on fire

This works, maybe. You've lost the kisses so you've got a beach scene setting you on fire?

Minimalist sometimes works better.

cold sea spray
teasing my skin
his kisses

 

[Wat_Tyler]

Met you. Loved you. But
we never quite connected.
God saved you from me . . . .

 

[Wand3rlust]

Because of you, I
no longer go to those threads
and put posts below..

 

[butters]

Hmmm, I can see that the last line could be stronger but I don’t know if it is a simile.
The church line doesn’t resonate and feels out of place-for me-but I’d be interested in hearing more of your thought process.

Salt, sand, sun, perfect
cold sea spray teasing my skin
setting me on fire

hi, just to say if you begin with a 'like' the way you did with that line, it's definitely a simile

i agree with you that the church feels out of place, but have to agree with Alina regarding the minimalistic phrasing she developed here:

cold sea spray
teasing my skin
his kisses

i know it doesn't fit the parameters of the 17 syllables but it works so much better as a senryu for me. sometimes you have to sacrifice the 'rules and allow the stronger poem to exist.

 

[XShadynzX]

Hidden desires
I say one thing
But mean another

 

[42Below]

He feels Her feeling him,

her forbidden room
clothing dropping to the floor
walking him backwards

moving together
harder faster softer, slow
her other bodies

juxtopositioned
his breathing against her heart
in burning desire

she feels him feel her
deepening his inner rhythms
their eyes juxtaposed

 

[Lyricalli]

Maturity

Time won't teach lessons
without clear self-reflection
to guide growing up

 

[AlinaX]

clock facing the mirror
I wake up younger
day by day

 

[Wat_Tyler]

Yesterday, we spoke.
You're not well, I can't do squat.
But your ills aren't mine.

 

[Wat_Tyler]

Tried to reel you in.
You said, "timing's everything."
Damn your correctness.


e/t/a: That last line could be "correctness saved you." Because it did, really.

 

[Lyricalli]

Yesterday, we spoke.
You're not well, I can't do squat.
But your ills aren't mine.

I really, really like this. Very poignant for me, and pins several emotions in place so succinctly.

 

[Lyricalli]

Masquerade Charade

The mask you wear works
like a cat behind curtains
its tail in plain sight

 

[Wat_Tyler]

I really, really like this. Very poignant for me, and pins several emotions in place so succinctly.

Thank you. It's based on a real and current thing a friend is dealing with. Of course it's bringing out The Fixer in me, and I'm trying not to, but . . . .

 

[Lyricalli]

Thank you. It's based on a real and current thing a friend is dealing with. Of course it's bringing out The Fixer in me, and I'm trying not to, but . . . .

That's exactly why it resonates so well. It's a place lots of people find themselves in. Good luck to you.

 

[Wat_Tyler]

That's exactly why it resonates so well. It's a place lots of people find themselves in. Good luck to you.

Thank you. Welcome to Powerlessness. Yet, there is Hope, so there's that, too.

 

[Piscator]

sun eclipsed
lost in shadow
darkness reigns

 

[Mrtenant]

Star across a velvet sky
Zephyrs swishing through the grass
Far away, is that music

 

[Wat_Tyler]

Choices everywhere,
things to ponder and decide.
First, I'll take a walk.