Ask A Woman

[AwkwardMD]

I remember describing my female character's orgasm once as "a cataclysm of other-worldly pleasure [or "other-worldly euphoria"] flooding into her soul"...

Another one as "a furious [..."and terrifying"?] pyroclastic flow of a dark energy that threatened to sweep her away into another world"...



Go on, you can laugh if you want to...




.

I think, if we're lucky, we might have a few of those world shattering orgasms... a decade? Once every few years? The mean time is filled with some pretty great ones, but they can't all be home runs. Otherwise the home run loses its value.

On the other hand, good stories aren't about the humdrum of day to day life. They're about the horizon-broadening, dam-bursting, mind-fucking moments.

Your imagery is a little poetical and abstract for my taste, but I certainly get where you're going. I'd be wary of using language like that more than once per story, but it's not inaccurate (which is, I think, what you've been trying to get at).

 

[Serafina1210]

pyroclastic flow of a dark energy

Go on, you can laugh if you want to...
.

Well, I like it. Once in an Italian gang bang story, my heroine's orgasm was a "fucking Vesuvius of sensation." I liked that, though the story didn't do well.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

I remember describing my female character's orgasm once as "a cataclysm of other-worldly pleasure [or "other-worldly euphoria"] flooding into her soul"...

Another one as "a furious [..."and terrifying"?] pyroclastic flow of a dark energy that threatened to sweep her away into another world"...



Go on, you can laugh if you want to...




.

I'm all for poetry. Have to make sure you don't wander into cliche. I walk in with open arms sometimes.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I really wish I could get away with just 2 or 3 pairs if shoes as men seem to do. As it is I buy shoes in very boring colours (black usually) so I can wear them with as many things as possible.

That's funny - that's exactly why I buy shoes in red, teal, purple, etc. If I've got to wear them and they've got to got with a bunch of different things, they might as well be something that's suitable for grinding jotunn under my heel.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Very nice thread. Wow. I hesitate to post, but....

Men can sometimes use food as love too. It's not only a female thing imho. My wife is a better cook than I am, but I often put good meals on the table. Anyway, here's a story where I show a very young man doing that. I learned to cook some simple things when I was pretty young. I know I have room to grow as a writer. And I know I need to be more careful in my copyediting. But if you're willing, I'd be interested in any brief comments you might have about the woman in this story, "Alice." She's based on women I really knew and loved long ago....

Don't hesitate to post! More people makes for better discussion. I agree with you about men showing love through food. One of the best examples of that is the Ang Lee classic "Eat Drink Man Woman." I gave your story a quick scan because it's chapter five and I want to start from the beginning so I can give you better comments on it as a whole. In just the section I read, you had wonderful mastery of detail and natural, believable, but still interesting dialogue. I'm looking forward to getting to know Alice from the beginning.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

What was/were:

• the most beautiful description of a female orgasm you ever read?
• the most accurate description of a female orgasm you ever read?

I realise they may be the same...

I'm going to have to think about this one a bit longer. I don't keep a folio of stories or links just for particular parts, but I'll go through some I love3 and see if there's something I can recommend. There's also the question of perspective. Something that's a good description of a female orgasm from a third person narration is going to look different from the first-person description in the voice of the woman experiencing the orgasm, and both are going to look different from a great first-person description from the man or woman feeling and seeing an orgasm a woman is experiencing.

I will say this, though - one of the fastest ways to lose me as a reader is to describe all of a woman's orgasms as being the same. In a single sexual encounter with multiple orgasms, they vary in intensity, how quickly they happen, and what kind of stimulation produces them. Some women can only orgasm with extensive application of a particular kind of stimulation, but that usually doesn't make it into erotica unless it's part of a larger story. A story would have to be pretty goddamn compelling in its descriptions if it was only about Marjory Jones holding a Hitachi Magic wand against her clit for 10 minutes until she came.

So, yeah, in my experience, multiples are more common than singles and they tend to be of different physical sensations and mental effects.

 

[yesterdays]

Glad to hear that you see men as being able to do the food-love thing too sometimes. Saw that movie many years ago, but I don't remember it very well now, but Ang Lee is one of my favorite directors.

PS Can you post a link to one of your stories for late night reading? Everyone in the house is asleep except for me, and I'm feeling too tired to work, even though I can't sleep. Thanks.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I remember describing my female character's orgasm once as "a cataclysm of other-worldly pleasure [or "other-worldly euphoria"] flooding into her soul"...

Another one as "a furious [..."and terrifying"?] pyroclastic flow of a dark energy that threatened to sweep her away into another world"...



Go on, you can laugh if you want to...

Without any other context, it's hard to judge these. If this is the only description there is of the woman's orgasm and there's no accompanying physical description, then it's going to fall flat with me. Even a story about the most liminal sexual experience of someone's life, something that truly issues them into a new kind of understanding of their sexuality, is still essentially about bodies doing what they were made to do. To leave out the body in the description, for me, leaves most of the orgasm out as well.

As I've said previous on the thread, if every orgasm is described as being one that empties someone's soul out into the void of timeless space before they snap back into the flesh, then all of them might as well say "she came" for all that differentiates them from each other.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Thanks very much for your early and generous comments. Glad to hear that you see men as being able to do the food-love thing too sometimes. Saw that movie many years ago, but I don't remember it very well now, but Ang Lee is one of my favorite directors.

PS Can you post a link to one of your stories for late night reading? Everyone in the house is asleep except for me, and I'm feeling too tired to work, even though I can't sleep. Thanks.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-pool-24

Read that one by her. It's masterful.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Well, I like it. Once in an Italian gang bang story, my heroine's orgasm was a "fucking Vesuvius of sensation." I liked that, though the story didn't do well.

See, to me that sounds like a great description because it's such a fit for the scenario. It's scaled to the right size and type of experience.

 

[Erochic]

That's funny - that's exactly why I buy shoes in red, teal, purple, etc. If I've got to wear them and they've got to got with a bunch of different things, they might as well be something that's suitable for grinding jotunn under my heel.

That's an interesting way of thinking about it.

I love colours ... Especially bright jewel colours.... I'm doing myself - and my feet - a disservice by thinking that my shoes have to be boring.

Hehe... I'm much more adventurous in my sex life than with my shoes.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

That's an interesting way of thinking about it.

I love colours ... Especially bright jewel colours.... I'm doing myself - and my feet - a disservice by thinking that my shoes have to be boring.

Hehe... I'm much more adventurous in my sex life than with my shoes.

True story: I keep a pair of red patent leather pumps in my car for emergencies. Nothing makes what you picked to wear to the office on a day when you didn't think anyone was going to see you look like a planned outfit faster than bright red lipstick and the shoes to match. Best for forgotten meetings and networking events.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-pool-24

Read that one by her. It's masterful.

AMB flatters me outrageously for a small price. His services, as you can see, are top-notch. If you're seeking a supplicant, he has excellent references from Selene and Erzulie. I'm not sure how he does for service to non-goddesses.

In all seriousness, the story he gave you the link to is about a brother and sister, so it may not be your thing. I try to warn people about that first.

 

[yesterdays]

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-pool-24

Read that one by her. It's masterful.

That is a wonderful story. Normally I don't read stories in this category and so this was a first time for me. I loved things like "a bad tooth I couldn't stop touching," "teacup breasts" "chocolate freckles," the smells, the looks of things, etc. It was a very intense and exciting story. The characters and environments all seemed so real and vivid. I esp. loved the description of when her brother went down on her at the end.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

That is a wonderful story. Normally I don't read stories in this category (even though one of my stories was stepbrother and stepsister—and so maybe not that far off?), and so this was a first time for me. I loved things like "a bad tooth I couldn't stop touching," "teacup breasts" "chocolate freckles," the smells, the looks of things, etc. It was a very intense and exciting story. The characters and environments all seemed so real and vivid. I esp. loved the description of when her brother went down on her at the end.

Thanks! I really appreciate you reading it. I'm working on putting more stories up. My next one is going to be posted with the rest of the FAWC 5 entries next week and I'll have one or two after that for the Nude Day contest. But the thread's not about me, it's about questions and answers.

Fellow female readers! What description of women's clothing makes you roll your eyes when you read it in stories?

 

[Sammael Bard]

Hi stlgoddessfreya,
Can you give a review on my story, especially on the female characters?
I really think that some of the thinkings of my lead female character (Claire) are not in tune to what a girl really thinks. I'll really appreciate it if you take out some time to go through the story. The theme is First time and the story goes by the title 'The Little Lights Ch. 01'.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Hi stlgoddessfreya,
Can you give a review on my story, especially on the female characters?
I really think that some of the thinkings of my lead female character (Claire) are not in tune to what a girl really thinks. I'll really appreciate it if you take out some time to go through the story. The theme is First time and the story goes by the title 'The Little Lights Ch. 01'.

Here's the link for anyone else who wants to read and give Bard feedback:

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-little-lights-ch-01

Quick question. I'm hung up on some of your syntax and word usage. Where are you from and where is The Little Lights set? It probably doesn't matter for my overall critique or enjoyment of the story, but now I'm curious.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Curiosity Killed The Cat...

Alright, maybe that quote has nothing to do with what I've got to say.
Let me answer your 2nd question first.
Most people tend to overlook the location part of the story and I decided to bank in on that fact because...I have no goddamn idea about the geography of the US. It has to be somewhere around California.
As for the first question, I prefer to remain under the cloak of an unknown anonymous. I'm just a boy studying medicine and I don't have a degree in English, so my work tends to be a lot rough around the edges. I just write stories for fun, hoping that people will enjoy reading them and try to elevate their experience by improving my writing with the help of the feedback I get.
I'm sorry but you have to satisfy yourself with "somewhere". You can always make a guess...go ahead.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

Alright, maybe that quote has nothing to do with what I've got to say.
Let me answer your 2nd question first.
Most people tend to overlook the location part of the story and I decided to bank in on that fact because...I have no goddamn idea about the geography of the US. It has to be somewhere around California.
As for the first question, I prefer to remain under the cloak of an unknown anonymous. I'm just a boy studying medicine and I don't have a degree in English, so my work tends to be a lot rough around the edges. I just write stories for fun, hoping that people will enjoy reading them and try to elevate their experience by improving my writing with the help of the feedback I get.
I'm sorry but you have to satisfy yourself with "somewhere". You can always make a guess;-)...go ahead.

Ah. Yes, it wasn't a geography question, per se, more to get context for which version of idiomatic English you learned so I have some context for where you use different words than I would.

For example: In a pivotal scene in your first chapter, your protagonist is upset and offended by another character talking badly about his friend because of his race. To show what a bad guy he is, the character refers to the friend as a "Negro." That would have gotten a reaction from the whole table full of California(ish) teens not because it's a slur but because the guy saying it isn't 80 years old. It's a term that isn't polite, I guess, but it's more anachronistic than rude.

I want to be 100% clear - I don't think people only have to write about their own cultures or locations. The world would be very boring, if that were the case. But modern teenage characters are a special challenge because they speak the least formally and with the most slang of any other kind of character.

Race and ethnicity of the writer don't make any difference at all, but if you write characters who speak a different version of idiomatic English than you do as a writer, you risk some misfires in dialogue. Usually they'll be so small it won't make a difference - I'm not jolted out of a story every time a character born and raised in New York City says they're going "to hospital" after an accident instead of "to the hospital," but in some instances, it's more notable because it's more important pieces of dialogue or description.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Ah. Yes, it wasn't a geography question, per se, more to get context for which version of idiomatic English you learned so I have some context for where you use different words than I would.

For example: In a pivotal scene in your first chapter, your protagonist is upset and offended by another character talking badly about his friend because of his race. To show what a bad guy he is, the character refers to the friend as a "Negro." That would have gotten a reaction from the whole table full of California(ish) teens not because it's a slur but because the guy saying it isn't 80 years old. It's a term that isn't polite, I guess, but it's more anachronistic than rude.

I want to be 100% clear - I don't think people only have to write about their own cultures or locations. The world would be very boring, if that were the case. But modern teenage characters are a special challenge because they speak the least formally and with the most slang of any other kind of character.

Race and ethnicity of the writer don't make any difference at all, but if you write characters who speak a different version of idiomatic English than you do as a writer, you risk some misfires in dialogue. Usually they'll be so small it won't make a difference - I'm not jolted out of a story every time a character born and raised in New York City says they're going "to hospital" after an accident instead of "to the hospital," but in some instances, it's more notable because it's more important pieces of dialogue or description.

Ah! So sorry, my bad! I've never heard any of my friends refering to Black people as 'negros'. I guess it must've slipped out when I was in the...Ahem...heat of the moment. Skip that part if you can and puh-lease, forgive me for that mistake. My vocubulary regarding slangs is quite poor. I'll make sure to do some more research regarding this matter in the future.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

The Little Lights Ch. 1

Ah! So sorry, my bad! I've never heard any of my friends refering to Black people as 'negros'. I guess it must've slipped out when I was in the...Ahem...heat of the moment. Skip that part if you can and puh-lease, forgive me for that mistake. My vocubulary regarding slangs is quite poor. I'll make sure to do some more research regarding this matter in the future.

No forgiveness needed! Like I said, it's only particularly distracting because the choice of word there is *really* important to show why Mike is justified in rejecting Claire and her friends outright. To avoid something like that in the future, just get someone who grew up in the US (or wherever you want to set your story) to do a pass over it before you post to alert you to anything like that where the choice of a word or phrase might change how your readers connect to the scene itself.

On to the critique!

You made a challenging choice with a first-person present tense voice for Michael. While this can be really effective for some stories, I usually find it only truly successful for shorter stories with a lot of immediate action and little to no moving backward and forward in time. Your story has a slower, more emotional and reflective plot, so I thing first-person past tense would have suited it better.

The real benefit of first-person, especially with stories about characters who lack confidence and experience, is that the reader gets to see the contrast of what's on the inside vs. what the character presents to the world. I have a particular soft spot for that kind of story. In some places, I think you're very effective with that. Michael is funny, wounded, sometimes very sure of himself and sometimes not, in the way a real person might be. I think you don't give enough of it, though. Except for your thorough and well-written sex scene, there's very little of what Michael sees, hears, smells, feels, etc. Since his first-person experience is the limited window through which the reader experiences the world you've built in your story, the view needs to be more detailed to be as interesting as a wider, third-person view. I think you have some really great, true, funny, and heartbreaking moments in this, but what would really make them sing is more of Michael's distinctive voice overall.

You asked me specifically about Claire. Since all we have is Michael's perceptions of her, she gets to be a little mysterious and it works very well, since he doesn't understand her, either. I did feel like there were a few conversations missing from the story that would have made characters' actions make more sense.

1) Claire is, by Michael's friends' reactions to her, not only at the top of the rich/powerful hierarchy at school, but goddamn mean as well. For her to be such a different person after meeting Michael, either his friends were wrong about her, she was already on the path to change, or both. What the hell did she do to Nina and Sam that she has to apologize for? Yes, she's been part of a mean, popular clique of girls, but Sam's reaction is extreme and personal for just being the target of some nasty remarks. Later when they talk, it's clear she's embarrassed by her old friends, but at that point, she's already rejected them. Is it really so easy for her to change her spots?

2) Claire falls for Mike hard, but all we see are a few awkward interactions. In their first meeting, she gets to see him being cute with Breanne, showing he has a softer side, but their conversation gets cut short before she can find out much about him. You explain that in their next interaction, but he's also...not encouraging. They go from that to her asking him to sit with her at lunch, knowing her friends aren't going to like him. They don't, he makes a scene and storms off. Then she gets rid of her friends and the social status that goes with them. Completely. You get a good undercurrent of her wanting to connect to Mike because she's alone, too, even though she's had all the luck and advantages in the world, but to give up a huge portion of who she is to pursue him off just the interactions we've seen, especially when she could have *anybody* given her beauty and status, seems too abrupt.

For sake of comparison, Mike says as much or more to the bully who comes to tell him to stay away from Claire than he did to Claire in any of the interactions between the two that you showed us.

3) I thought you did an excellent job of showing her as more experienced and confident on their date and after, since she's had a lot of dating and sexual experience and he hasn't. I loved the scene with Daniel giving Michael the sex guide, it was hilarious and explained how Michael could both have no real idea what he was doing and still pull off being decent in bed. Most First Time stories just make people sex machines while they're still saying "I've never done this before!" and I thought that was novel way to solve the problem.

Overall, I thought this was a very sweet story with a believable interaction between the couple, when you had them interact. It could have used more detail from Michael's perspective and more dialogue from his friends or from Claire explaining who she was before and why she had a change of heart. The biggest flaw was that your syntax and sentence structure made it difficult to read - a good line editor would have fixed that for you and allowed your more creative aspects to shine through.

 

[Hypoxia]

A brief comment on POV/tense: The literary conventions I'm aware of prefer 1st or 3rd person past tense for most narratives. Present tense and 2nd person POV are most common in poetry and song. 1P-past follows the narrators experiences from a remove that may be near or far. 3P-past can be omniscient (the storyteller knows everything) or limited (the storyteller usually focuses on one individual at a time). 1P-present or 2P-present are best for intense events -- like if the narrator or subject DIES to end the story. "I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle / I feel the bullet go deep in my chest." That sort of thing.

 

[Sammael Bard]

No forgiveness needed! Like I said, it's only particularly distracting because the choice of word there is *really* important to show why Mike is justified in rejecting Claire and her friends outright. To avoid something like that in the future, just get someone who grew up in the US (or wherever you want to set your story) to do a pass over it before you post to alert you to anything like that where the choice of a word or phrase might change how your readers connect to the scene itself.

On to the critique!

You made a challenging choice with a first-person present tense voice for Michael. While this can be really effective for some stories, I usually find it only truly successful for shorter stories with a lot of immediate action and little to no moving backward and forward in time. Your story has a slower, more emotional and reflective plot, so I thing first-person past tense would have suited it better.

The real benefit of first-person, especially with stories about characters who lack confidence and experience, is that the reader gets to see the contrast of what's on the inside vs. what the character presents to the world. I have a particular soft spot for that kind of story. In some places, I think you're very effective with that. Michael is funny, wounded, sometimes very sure of himself and sometimes not, in the way a real person might be. I think you don't give enough of it, though. Except for your thorough and well-written sex scene, there's very little of what Michael sees, hears, smells, feels, etc. Since his first-person experience is the limited window through which the reader experiences the world you've built in your story, the view needs to be more detailed to be as interesting as a wider, third-person view. I think you have some really great, true, funny, and heartbreaking moments in this, but what would really make them sing is more of Michael's distinctive voice overall.

You asked me specifically about Claire. Since all we have is Michael's perceptions of her, she gets to be a little mysterious and it works very well, since he doesn't understand her, either. I did feel like there were a few conversations missing from the story that would have made characters' actions make more sense.

1) Claire is, by Michael's friends' reactions to her, not only at the top of the rich/powerful hierarchy at school, but goddamn mean as well. For her to be such a different person after meeting Michael, either his friends were wrong about her, she was already on the path to change, or both. What the hell did she do to Nina and Sam that she has to apologize for? Yes, she's been part of a mean, popular clique of girls, but Sam's reaction is extreme and personal for just being the target of some nasty remarks. Later when they talk, it's clear she's embarrassed by her old friends, but at that point, she's already rejected them. Is it really so easy for her to change her spots?

2) Claire falls for Mike hard, but all we see are a few awkward interactions. In their first meeting, she gets to see him being cute with Breanne, showing he has a softer side, but their conversation gets cut short before she can find out much about him. You explain that in their next interaction, but he's also...not encouraging. They go from that to her asking him to sit with her at lunch, knowing her friends aren't going to like him. They don't, he makes a scene and storms off. Then she gets rid of her friends and the social status that goes with them. Completely. You get a good undercurrent of her wanting to connect to Mike because she's alone, too, even though she's had all the luck and advantages in the world, but to give up a huge portion of who she is to pursue him off just the interactions we've seen, especially when she could have *anybody* given her beauty and status, seems too abrupt.

For sake of comparison, Mike says as much or more to the bully who comes to tell him to stay away from Claire than he did to Claire in any of the interactions between the two that you showed us.

3) I thought you did an excellent job of showing her as more experienced and confident on their date and after, since she's had a lot of dating and sexual experience and he hasn't. I loved the scene with Daniel giving Michael the sex guide, it was hilarious and explained how Michael could both have no real idea what he was doing and still pull off being decent in bed. Most First Time stories just make people sex machines while they're still saying "I've never done this before!" and I thought that was novel way to solve the problem.

Overall, I thought this was a very sweet story with a believable interaction between the couple, when you had them interact. It could have used more detail from Michael's perspective and more dialogue from his friends or from Claire explaining who she was before and why she had a change of heart. The biggest flaw was that your syntax and sentence structure made it difficult to read - a good line editor would have fixed that for you and allowed your more creative aspects to shine through.

Yup! I did have a feeling that the interaction between Claire and Michael is very less and in fact, you rightly pointed it out that Claire's abrupt change feels somewhat unreal to readers.

I can mend the second part. You see, this is a part of a long story that I've planned and it will include Claire's story from her point of view. So, I think that should satisfy people as to the 'how-so-abrupt' part.

The first part is somewhat goner for me. I'll have to take down the whole story (once again) and give it anothet shot with an editor.

Talking about editors... I must've sent e-mails to atleast 12 people, asking for a polite help for editing my story and all I get is blank. So finding an editor is really a difficult job for me and it doesn't really help that I suck monumentally in editing my own work.

About writing a story in present tense...it was a tough decision but I really like the feel that the present tense gives to me while I'm reading a story. Also, I wanted to try something different than the general stock out here, so I guess that I'll have to live with my decision.

You did catch up all the short comings I had feared would be caught by the reader and I do have a very different perspective now. A big heartfelt thanks to you for taking the time to go through my ramblings.

Thank you.

 

[PennLady]

A brief comment on POV/tense: The literary conventions I'm aware of prefer 1st or 3rd person past tense for most narratives. Present tense and 2nd person POV are most common in poetry and song. 1P-past follows the narrators experiences from a remove that may be near or far. 3P-past can be omniscient (the storyteller knows everything) or limited (the storyteller usually focuses on one individual at a time). 1P-present or 2P-present are best for intense events -- like if the narrator or subject DIES to end the story. "I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle / I feel the bullet go deep in my chest." That sort of thing.

I won't entirely disagree, but I will point out that 1st-person present tense is the narration in "The Hunger Games" (and the narrator does not die at the end), and possibly the Percy Jackson books. I glanced at those (my son loves them) but can't quite remember. Made me wonder if it's a popular thing in YA fiction for some reason.

 

[sr71plt]

I run across first person, present tense in novels now and again. One young adult novel naturally used it because the protagonist, using first person, dies of leukemia at the end, so past tense narration wouldn't be too logical.