Balance career and relationships?

[CoyoteTales]

There are other, better, stronger people out there.

First of all. It is never, ever, too late to start over.

As long as you have love in your heart to share with someone else, you can start fresh with someone who doesn't have insecurities, hangups, or a headspace that says it's okay to take out your anger on someone they claim to care about.

Temper is for children and for adults who never grew up. You can be frustrated, you can be upset, but the moment that you raise your voice or hand in anger towards another person, you cease to be civilized adult and become an animal.

If you told him you don't deserve to be yelled at, you've done the best thing you can -- informed him as such. If he can't control his temper, then he's not listening to you. If he's not listening to you, he's not communicating. If he's not willing to communicate, he's not being a team player -- and you, I believe, want, deserve, and need a partner who will support you, not deny you your own walk in life.

If I was in his shoes and you were getting interviews in this economy? I would be cheering you on the whole gods-be-rotted way. I would be thrilled and overjoyed if you got it -- even if it meant being in a long distance relationship.

But then again, I'm biased. I spent many long years in a miserable relationship with someone who gave up their dreams and aspirations and 'let' me support them while they pretended to look for a job. When they told me in anger 'if I had a job, I would be so gone right now', I took that as my cue to take the first of many steps back. Things went downhill from there.

I'm happier now. Much happier than I would have been if I'd tried to make the broken pieces work, to change to accommodate their ego and their need to be Better Than Me so that they could feel they had some self-worth.

You want to see the final test? Try this on for size.

The next time he yells at you, tell him, "If you do not stop yelling at me this instant, we are done."

If he continues, log out. Unplug your phone. Do not make contact again for a day or two. Spend a few days without him. If you still think you need him, open contact and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. Just ask if he's willing to work with you now.

If he blames you for his temper, you know.

One quote I heard recently that resonates with my soul:

"It's not the world's fault you get offended. It's yours for letting the world offend you."

-CT

 

[nayia]

Thanks, CoyoteTales. I think that's what I was looking for without knowing: some way to know for sure what to do. He came to visit me last week and he's been really sweet and nice but I just don't feel safe with him anymore. I'm always on the lookout for a sign he is about to explode, being alert and trying to placate him all the time. He said he sees now what he was doing and that he knows he has to work on himself and agrees now that I don't deserve to be treated like that, but I will try your test if it does happen again. Thanks again to everyone!

 

[NippleMuncher]

The next time he yells at you, tell him, "If you do not stop yelling at me this instant, we are done."

If he continues, log out. Unplug your phone. Do not make contact again for a day or two. Spend a few days without him. If you still think you need him, open contact and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. Just ask if he's willing to work with you now.

If he blames you for his temper, you know.

One quote I heard recently that resonates with my soul:

"It's not the world's fault you get offended. It's yours for letting the world offend you."

-CT

This works quite well. I was once in the "getting to know" stages of a relationship with a woman. I wasn't sure I wanted to get too deeply involved, she was looking for much more. To make a long story short, I'd kept up my guard fairly well, correcting her gently when she'd say or do something that was out of line.

To clarify, by "out of line" I mean things such as talk down to me, or invalidate me in any way. I'd had plenty of that in previous relationships and wasn't going to stand for it anymore, hence the "getting to know" stage I was in.

At any rate, we were having a nice conversation on the phone one afternoon and she yet again decided she needed to invalidate something I had said. I simply said goodbye and hung up the phone. That was the last contact we had. It was not my intent to leave it that way, but I wanted to let her know that I was not please in the way she was treating me. I also came to realize after the fact, that she would not move beyond her issues, which was the exact opposite of where I was at that time.

A few months later, she drove past my house and saw emergency response vehicles in my driveway, a friend of mine had collapsed. She called to see that I was ok, and apologized for the way the aforementioned phone conversation had gone. That was the last time we talked. She was a nice lady and I truly wish that things would have worked out differently, but I think by way it all worked out that she understood what had happened and that we were both on different pages in life, let alone what we saw our relationship to be.

How is this relevant to this conversation? She was expecting me to give up who I was/am to suit her needs. I was not willing to do that and I made the conscious decision that I was not going to put up with it. Looks like you, nayia, are coming to the same conclusion with your relationship. I urge you to stay strong. Keep your best interests at heart with your eye on long term goals. As much as you may love this man, is he right for you? Is he going to support you in the manner you need (emotionally ) ? Is he going to be an equal partner in your relationship or an anchor?

As always, I wish you the very best as this small portion of your life unfolds.