BDSM - D/s & Monogomy

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Girl, they don't leave you for someone better than you

I dunno. The fact is my ex is very happy now with his new gf now. Can't say knowing that makes me happy too, oh well..

thank you anyways Cat

 

[Stegral]

I dunno. The fact is my ex is very happy now with his new gf now. Can't say knowing that makes me happy too, oh well..

thank you anyways Cat

I hear ya here & I am sorry.
My (now) Ex needed a slave he could micro manage...
we were engaged when I felt something going wrong...
all the flags of him cheating were there.
He knew I didn't share well so he "just happened" across her.
her fiance & her weren't getting along & he went in to save her.
that shouder to cry on, the ear to listen, the arms for hugs...
ironic justice is tho after about 2years he has sent her packing...
they are no more, not sure why, but they are done.
Makes me smile ever so slightly

Sexually monogamous but SM play open...

OMFG !!!! I have NEVER seen this but I am asking to use it...
Please, please??? It discribes my inclinations perfectly !!!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

ironic justice is tho after about 2years he has sent her packing...
they are no more, not sure why, but they are done.
Makes me smile ever so slightly

Schadenfreude - a German word meaning 'pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune'

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Sexually monogamous but SM play open...

OMFG !!!! I have NEVER seen this but I am asking to use it...
Please, please??? It discribes my inclinations perfectly !!!

Absolutely, please feel free.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I dunno. The fact is my ex is very happy now with his new gf now. Can't say knowing that makes me happy too, oh well..

thank you anyways Cat

Uh-huh, and wasn't he very happy with you too at some point? From what you say of his habits, I think it is more about the nature of the beast than you, and not something he is ever likely to move beyond. His loss, your gain.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Uh-huh, and wasn't he very happy with you too at some point? From what you say of his habits, I think it is more about the nature of the beast than you, and not something he is ever likely to move beyond. His loss, your gain.

Catalina

Yep. What she said.

I don't think poly necessarily equals "looking for greener pastures," though. A good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about the differences in a poly mindset and a cheater's mindset. They're far from being one and the same.

 

[EmpressFi]

Yep. What she said.

I don't think poly necessarily equals "looking for greener pastures," though. A good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about the differences in a poly mindset and a cheater's mindset. They're far from being one and the same.

I totally agree.. they're NOT the same. I cheated on my first husband. Not a fact I'm proud of, nor is it something I can ever go back and change. It's only something I can learn from..

When I cheated, the other men took his emotional place in my heart. As my feelings/lust for them increased.. my desire to be with him diminished. And when Malin and I talked of going Poly, I admit.. there was the voice in my head warning.. what if it happens again..after all everyone says, "once a cheater always a cheater."

I've been with Master over a year now and honestly, I feel like I have two husbands. I love them both, deeply and truly and I know how lucky I am that they both love me in return. Was it the fact that I had "permission"... I dont know.. maybe.. In my mind, I'm not looking for someone else because I'm so complete..and to me.. it's made all the difference in the world

 

[nh23]

Yep. What she said.

I don't think poly necessarily equals "looking for greener pastures," though. A good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about the differences in a poly mindset and a cheater's mindset. They're far from being one and the same.

*nods* I do believe this conversation was with me..lol.

 

[BiBunny]

*nods* I do believe this conversation was with me..lol.

Yep. It was. If everyone could be as cool as you and your husband, life would be so much easier for little ol' me.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Yep. It was. If everyone could be as cool as you and your husband, life would be so much easier for little ol' me.

Why should we make your life easier?

And I agree; Nicole and her husband are cool.

 

[nh23]

Why should we make your life easier?

And I agree; Nicole and her husband are cool.

Thank You..

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yep. What she said.

I don't think poly necessarily equals "looking for greener pastures," though. A good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about the differences in a poly mindset and a cheater's mindset. They're far from being one and the same.

To make sure it is clear, I also don't think poly is about looking for greener pastures, though I have met a few who do seem to be on that trip...serial cheaters though are a different story, and many of them are chasing that fantasy that no matter what or who they have there is better to be found and it is their ambition to find it. I also think for many, some of those included, it is a thrill for the chase in that it gives them a fix they can't find in anything else....once they have conquered a person, they soon get restless to move on and repeat the chasing process with another, often with no necessity for that person to have any characteristics or traits they desire, just a need to chase and catch...bit like a dog chasing it's tail...once caught, what to do with it.

Catalina

 

[_kiana_]

To make sure it is clear, I also don't think poly is about looking for greener pastures, though I have met a few who do seem to be on that trip...serial cheaters though are a different story, and many of them are chasing that fantasy that no matter what or who they have there is better to be found and it is their ambition to find it. I also think for many, some of those included, it is a thrill for the chase in that it gives them a fix they can't find in anything else....once they have conquered a person, they soon get restless to move on and repeat the chasing process with another, often with no necessity for that person to have any characteristics or traits they desire, just a need to chase and catch...bit like a dog chasing it's tail...once caught, what to do with it.

Catalina

Those are all valid reasons a person may be a "serial cheater." But I've also encountered the "serial monogamist" which I think is slightly different than all of that. It tends to be someone who does still get into a relationship and always ends up cheating. But the person doesn't realize there is a way to love other than what the majority of society allows us to. Someone who would work well with a poly situation, but hasn't been exposed to it and feels no one would ever allow them to have other partners.

It doesn't excuse the cheating and people do still get hurt. So it's not all that different in the end.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Those are all valid reasons a person may be a "serial cheater." But I've also encountered the "serial monogamist" which I think is slightly different than all of that. It tends to be someone who does still get into a relationship and always ends up cheating. But the person doesn't realize there is a way to love other than what the majority of society allows us to. Someone who would work well with a poly situation, but hasn't been exposed to it and feels no one would ever allow them to have other partners.

It doesn't excuse the cheating and people do still get hurt. So it's not all that different in the end.

Guess we differ a little in semantics as though I am not a huge fan of poly for myself personally, I do not see cheating and poly as going together in any context. If they continue to cheat in every relationship, to me they are not poly orientated nor monogamous, they are cheaters, most likely serial cheaters.

Catalina

 

[_kiana_]

Guess we differ a little in semantics as though I am not a huge fan of poly for myself personally, I do not see cheating and poly as going together in any context. If they continue to cheat in every relationship, to me they are not poly orientated nor monogamous, they are cheaters, most likely serial cheaters.

Catalina

No, I agree with you. Cheating is cheating is cheating. And cheating does not belong anywhere near poly or monogamy as genuine relationships.

But some people end up cheating not because they just want more sex, or they need the chase, etc. They just fall in love with someone while still in a relationship (and in love with) another. They love like a poly person does but are grounded in the monogamous mindset. And they will continue to leave relationships because they have cheated and feel the person they've wronged "deserves better than a cheater."

Usually, if these types of people discover poly and find people who are open to it they end up not cheating again. Because then they are free to love like they naturally do but with out needing to be with only one person.

Am I getting the point across yet?

 

[nh23]

No, I agree with you. Cheating is cheating is cheating. And cheating does not belong anywhere near poly or monogamy as genuine relationships.

But some people end up cheating not because they just want more sex, or they need the chase, etc. They just fall in love with someone while still in a relationship (and in love with) another. They love like a poly person does but are grounded in the monogamous mindset. And they will continue to leave relationships because they have cheated and feel the person they've wronged "deserves better than a cheater."

Usually, if these types of people discover poly and find people who are open to it they end up not cheating again. Because then they are free to love like they naturally do but with out needing to be with only one person.

Am I getting the point across yet?

I gotcha..and I agree. Having a poly marriage was one of the best decisions my husband and I ever made. I see cheating and poly as two different things and wouldn't even lump them in the same category. That being said, I think the once a cheater always a cheater thing is BS. There are serial cheaters though, but I agree with the fact that some people just get caught up, loving more than one person, and poly isn't an option, or something they even know about.

 

[intothewoods]

I also think cheating and poly are pretty unrelated. If you are wired for poly, you have the capacity to really connect with and love more than one person.

As for me, in the past when I've cheated, it's always been about feelings towards one person, and then shifting that energy to another person. Really, I cheated because I didn't want to deal with a problem in the relationship.

I can't imagine being poly because I just tend to grow closer and closer to one person. Even when I try not to. I don't know - is it that I'm a product of our culture or I'm not wired for polyamory. I don't think it much matters.

 

[nh23]

I also think cheating and poly are pretty unrelated. If you are wired for poly, you have the capacity to really connect with and love more than one person.

As for me, in the past when I've cheated, it's always been about feelings towards one person, and then shifting that energy to another person. Really, I cheated because I didn't want to deal with a problem in the relationship.

I can't imagine being poly because I just tend to grow closer and closer to one person. Even when I try not to. I don't know - is it that I'm a product of our culture or I'm not wired for polyamory. I don't think it much matters.

You know I tend to think it's the way we are wired as individuals. My family is aware of the marriage that I have, and they don't really approve, and none of them are like that. So, it's not a product of my environment. I'm the type of person that loves very few people. It takes me a long time to let go and get there. But, when I do it doesn't lessen my love for my husband at all. I can love someone else very deeply, and still have the same feelings for my husband that I always have. I understand that other people are not like that. They have to put all of their energy towards one person. Which makes me think even more it's about wiring.

 

[Netzach]

What you think someone might cheat because they are unhappy and not merely because they are a morally inferior asshole?

What's wrong with you?

I imagine you might be the kind to have empathy with abusers who were beaten up as children. Not, you know to the point of excusing them or anything, though everyone will accuse you of that if you bring up the point, but the world must be a less mystifying place at times for you. Or far more. It sure gets messy when the world isn't a chess game of victim and victimizer and nothing else.

Sometimes the tragedy is that people don't have the fortitude to leave, not that they don't have the fortitude to forsake all others. Have you people *seen* some marriages? Eesh.

 

[Netzach]

I gotcha..and I agree. Having a poly marriage was one of the best decisions my husband and I ever made. I see cheating and poly as two different things and wouldn't even lump them in the same category. That being said, I think the once a cheater always a cheater thing is BS. There are serial cheaters though, but I agree with the fact that some people just get caught up, loving more than one person, and poly isn't an option, or something they even know about.

I agree completely. If we shamed every single person who had their eye-opening holy shit I'm gay experience while they were married because it's what you do, then it would never end. Likewise, we have a lot of people who are not wired for monogamy forced into this small box, because other options have never been presented. Honestly, the scarlet A bullshit is old. Until you are in that person's actual shoes why can't people butt the fuck out? Happy, unhappy, awful spouse awful person, we're normally only looking at one side of an aftermath of a relationship.

My philosophy is that the relationship was changed or over BEFORE anyone cheated, not after. Looking for locations of blame is much too juicy to resist, but who goes out and cheats because the relationship is perfectly fucntional and it's just a nice day for a fuck? Nobody. Relationships don't get fucked up by one person and certainly not by people "tempting" other people. There was a crack in the bedrock that the couple do not want to see or fix.

 

[intothewoods]

You know I tend to think it's the way we are wired as individuals. My family is aware of the marriage that I have, and they don't really approve, and none of them are like that. So, it's not a product of my environment. I'm the type of person that loves very few people. It takes me a long time to let go and get there. But, when I do it doesn't lessen my love for my husband at all. I can love someone else very deeply, and still have the same feelings for my husband that I always have. I understand that other people are not like that. They have to put all of their energy towards one person. Which makes me think even more it's about wiring.

Probably, although by "environment" I don't just mean someone told you it was okay. There are so many factors. I mean, I think if I would probably argue it's a mix, actually.

 

[intothewoods]

What you think someone might cheat because they are unhappy and not merely because they are a morally inferior asshole?

What's wrong with you?

I imagine you might be the kind to have empathy with abusers who were beaten up as children. Not, you know to the point of excusing them or anything, though everyone will accuse you of that if you bring up the point, but the world must be a less mystifying place at times for you. Or far more. It sure gets messy when the world isn't a chess game of victim and victimizer and nothing else.

Sometimes the tragedy is that people don't have the fortitude to leave, not that they don't have the fortitude to forsake all others. Have you people *seen* some marriages? Eesh.

I was a morally inferior asshole who was unhappy.

It takes two to tango, of course. And we do ourselves no favors by categorizing people as either angels or devils, right?

 

[Netzach]

I was a morally inferior asshole who was unhappy.

It takes two to tango, of course. And we do ourselves no favors by categorizing people as either angels or devils, right?

Yes. I was unhappy, cowardly, and no way the fuck wired for this business ever in the first place. I'm just glad I figured that out after one go around. Nobody exactly ever introduced me to anyone in an open marriage or talked about it or told me what might make one work when I was coming of sexual age, though, so why should I just not think something was wrong with me?

I'm also rather grateful that the person who took me aside and talked to me was gentle about it and realized I was a 23 year old who had meant well and felt stuck, instead of pointing out what a horrible person I am. I'm sure other people would have decided that I'd be better off with tough love and bitter pills.

Nobody has that right to decide that it's better for someone for them to slap them around and make them feel as bad as possible about their situation. Nobody.

 

[nh23]

I agree completely. If we shamed every single person who had their eye-opening holy shit I'm gay experience while they were married because it's what you do, then it would never end. Likewise, we have a lot of people who are not wired for monogamy forced into this small box, because other options have never been presented. Honestly, the scarlet A bullshit is old. Until you are in that person's actual shoes why can't people butt the fuck out? Happy, unhappy, awful spouse awful person, we're normally only looking at one side of an aftermath of a relationship.

My philosophy is that the relationship was changed or over BEFORE anyone cheated, not after. Looking for locations of blame is much too juicy to resist, but who goes out and cheats because the relationship is perfectly fucntional and it's just a nice day for a fuck? Nobody. Relationships don't get fucked up by one person and certainly not by people "tempting" other people. There was a crack in the bedrock that the couple do not want to see or fix.

You know what.. I agree 100%. I've taken a lot of heat about my views on cheating. Most people hear that Mr X cheated on Mrs. X and automatically it's oh he is terrible, blah, blah, blah. My first thought when I hear Mr X is cheating is what's wrong in the relationship. What happened between those two to lead to this. I don't think the majority of people cheat just to cheat. I think it does stem from an unhealthy relationship most of the time...

 

[Netzach]

You know what.. I agree 100%. I've taken a lot of heat about my views on cheating. Most people hear that Mr X cheated on Mrs. X and automatically it's oh he is terrible, blah, blah, blah. My first thought when I hear Mr X is cheating is what's wrong in the relationship. What happened between those two to lead to this. I don't think the majority of people cheat just to cheat. I think it does stem from an unhealthy relationship most of the time...

Often the marriage of someone to someone else with a higher sex drive and a history of lots of sexual looseness and they think a white dress will magically change that person into someone else. ta da. Because it's bad to have lots of sex and now I will make him/her a better person.

Nope.

But blame the tiger for the stripes, right?