BDSM story feedback

[TheCherub]

Wrote a few stories many years ago, just getting back in the saddle. Would love some feedback on my most recent effort:

https://www.literotica.com/s/good-girl-122

A few things that might be relevant - it was written specifically for someone, so follows some particular stylistic cues on that front. I've deliberately left out any real description of the characters, so that a reader can more easily insert themselves into the narrative should they wish to.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I read your story. I gave it 5️. I’m a writer and I know anything less than 5️ is a slap in the face and I’m not sure you switch.

So - I’ve been the woman in your story. I used to do bondage / impact play / group back in the day. I got a tingle of memory.

I never did the psychological domination stuff, I was always in control and always felt safe, so glad that you leaned into the consensual and aftercare aspects.

I wasn’t entirely sure that a cane novice would be able to take that much punishment first time, but it’s a fantasy, right? Never had anyone use a hairbrush on me, so can’t comment on verisimilitude.

It was a fun little fantasy, but a few points for you to consider. Both protagonists were a little from central casting. The dom was in perfect control, the sub perfectly submissive (the bastard bit felt more like performative brattiness - been there). It would have been interesting to have had things go less smoothly.

As the cane was new, maybe she couldn’t take it and the dom expressed some regret and recalibrated. Maybe he does one stroke too hard and has to comfort her. Maybe she asks him - out of character - to give her a moment and he complies (the bit when he checked in and loosened the ropes to her hands was a nice touch).

Or maybe the opposite. He is too tentative with the new implement and she breaks character to tell him he could go harder (yeah, I have ).

Something to humanize the interaction a bit more and make it less - for want of a better world - porn-like.

Also, it’s hotter (for me at least) if you are invested in the characters. A bit about who they are might not go amiss. At present they are just generic dom and sub.

Finally, I think you could have made more of the actual sex. It was over quickly. I understand the build up, but I feel your FMC deserved a little more. One more orgasm isn’t too much to ask.

I’d have been tempted to have them reveal more of who they are at the end. Husband and wife? Professor and Ph.D. student? Two fuck buddies acting out a fantasy?

If I’m super-critical, it was a little sterile at times when you could have turned the heat up more. I’d have liked to have seen more about her reactions and his reactions to her reactions.

To me impact play is as much about emotions as it is the pain-pleasure nexus.

Technically, there were a couple of repeated phrases, e.g.

For me, the passage of time is normal, but as you kneel there, unable to see, the passage of time stretches out, so it feels like eons.

I can’t recall the other for the moment. But the writing and grammar was generally clean and the spelling good. Is it eons or aeons in BE? I should really recall.

But otherwise a wholesome BDSM story, not veering into the cruelty and misogyny you sometimes see. And stressing that this was a mutually fulfilling interaction. So well done!

 

[SmilingLez]

Wrote a few stories many years ago, just getting back in the saddle. Would love some feedback on my most recent effort:

https://www.literotica.com/s/good-girl-122

A few things that might be relevant - it was written specifically for someone, so follows some particular stylistic cues on that front. I've deliberately left out any real description of the characters, so that a reader can more easily insert themselves into the narrative should they wish to.

I enjoyed it as well. And agree, if you can't give a story a five star rating, then don't rate it at all.

Full disclosure, I am a poet who also writes small and tight micro fiction and flash fiction. When it comes to repetition, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Not a negative, just something that I tend to notice when I read longer stories. Perhaps it's commonplace in longer storytelling

Here is one example

Using the hand that's on the back of your neck, I guide you, still blindfolded, towards the foot of the stairs, and then up to our room. I guide you to an empty spot of floor.

 

[TheCherub]

Thank you both, that's really great feedback. I'm really annoyed with myself over the phrasing repetition, that's something I'm normally super hot on when I'm writing. But most of my writing is strictly professional stuff, so I'm never getting hot under the collar whilst writing/editing, that probably doesn't help the concentration! Of course, if you keep things super short, it's slightly easier to avoid the repetition because you've got x number of phrases before you run out, but given the "I guide you" bit was consecutive sentences, it was pretty bad.

This one was very much written as a light "flight of fantasy" type thing, so there's definitely elements that are definitely not going to be true to reality. I've a plan for a next story, which I'll be much more writing for myself, rather than for someone else, and it will be really interesting to play around with things that are a little more reflective of this imperfect world we actually have to inhabit. It will also have the dynamic the other way round (I'm a sub-leaning switch, so it's good to scratch the itch on both sides with the writing).

Both protagonists were a little from central casting.

I definitely know what you mean about the characters being quite "central casting". There was a certain tension there. I wanted the person I wrote it for to be able to insert themselves into the story. I also knew it would be shared amongst people that might be able to identify her, and I didn't really want that to happen either. Probably a case where I write the person specific version, and then need to make a more substantial edit for posting on here where there's no link back to anyone.

 

[EmilyMiller]

You’re obviously a capable technical writer. It will be interesting to see where you take things in future works.

 

[usable001]

To me impact play is as much about emotions as it is the pain-pleasure nexus.

I agree wholeheartedly. I would echo what Emily said and go so far as to generalize that all good writing is as much about emotions as about what happens in the story.

 

[usable001]

I'm really annoyed with myself over the phrasing repetition

When used intentionally, repetition can be cool.

A superhero who loves repeating the catch phrase, "There's no need to worry (no need to fear, everything is all right, etc). I am here!" for example, who is then forced to retire due to his injuries and can no longer be there. Varying the first half of the catch phrase makes the second half stand out even more, which I am 100% sure was intentional.