Beyond birds and bees...

[phillyinjun]

Has anyone bought sex toys for their kids? Or shown them what toys can do?

(This may apply mostly to girls and I cannot think of the equivalent for boys.)

How about use of porn? Or erotica?

Is that going too far?

 

[Annabell4you]

Yes, very well. I love how you explained that she needed to assert herself with boys. Too few women understand that, I think.

Thank you.

I was not raised that way. I was raised to take of my man. I have taught her that taking care of someone and still being able to beat him up if need be, is ok. In all honesty, my huband could easily over power me, as former military, but he's not who I worry about. Every girl and guy should know and practice basic self defense. Knowing it is not enough, if you don't practice it, it wont be automatic. Ok, I got on my soap box....

 

[Adrraiya]

When I grew up, we had no "sex talk"

The 3 of us girls got whapped in the head if we ever looked like we might even be thinking about masturbation (heaven forbid we linger when putting on sunscreen)... anything that could be defined as sensual or sexual was heavily punished.... I was in constant trouble because I was born a flirt & flirt was discouraged

the youngest, our brother, had his hands in his underpants at @ 5 years old & was told that was okay, but he needed to do that in private instead of in the family room in front of the TV

I was the oldest... when I was @ 10, my mom gave me a Birds-N-Bees book bought at the Catholic bookstore.... for more re-enforcement on the idea that sexuality is discouraged & sex is for reproductive purposes only

the lesson we got from our parents was that sensuality & sexuality is not okay for girls but under certain conditions is okay for boys.. and to engage in sex it should be for the purpose of bearing children

------

I am glad that I was slower to give up my virginity as a result... but I was a hellcat just waiting to be unleashed.... and that was a huge struggle for me... to be this... incredibly tactile (fabric stores are a wonderful field trip!)... highly sexual wild-woman who felt the struggled need to contain my self... and it took a man pushing my limits to finally get me masturbating to get myself thru the dry spells... even with that difficulting getting off masturbating without some other input (phone sex is one example)..... despite the fact that when with sex-partner I get off from the smallest amount of stimuli


------

I made a point to raise my son differently than I had been raised...
I didn't want him feeling suppressed and I preferred he get his information from me than from a book or uninformed friends

and at the age of 4... where do babies come from... began the policy to (1) answer the exact question as simplistically as is possible and then ask if there are other questions.. answer all questions as calmly & conversationally as possible (2) never lie, always be truthful (3) do not over-inform because if more information is needed, there will be another question (4) when faced with masturbating child simply tell them you understand that touching private parts feels good & they are welcome to go to a private place such as their bedroom or the bathroom to touch themselves in private ways because that type of touching is not intended for public (5) when the child is old enough to want to know more about actual sex, then explain it like any other art form... something that caring lovers should desire to be good at for the sake of themselves and their lover... and let the child know that when the time comes to know details then there are plenty of recourses such as books & also hands-on learning... no need to give details or examples... give this artist room to develop their own style & methods... we figured it out & so will they (6) take the time to share your own values when they are getting into more sexual questing... it is a wonderful to time to share things like "I think it is appropriate to kiss at 14, touch each other at 15 but to wait to have intercourse until you are least 18" (or whatever information is important)... they might or might not accept & share your values


When my son was 20.... he decided to privileged me with his view on those conversations... (1) he felt confident in his own sexuality because of my open approach (2) he found himself correcting the mis-education of many of his friends along the way (3) he understood the difference in "sex" and "good sex" because of "The Art Form" approach (4) he followed my advise on what was acceptable at what age with the exception of loosing his virginity at 17 instead of 18... then got scared to death because his girlfriend told him she was pregnant... turned out to be a false alarm... but he carried that stressful burden without telling anyone for @ 6 weeks of his Senior year... and it was enough to make him decide to wait until he was 19 to try it again


I should add... we were not raised to be wall-flowers... we were raised to take care of ourselves (even us girls)... we were raised to be fully capable to drive in hazardous road conditions, drive a 5-speed as well as automatic, change our own tires, check our oil & things like that so we didn't have to rely on men to help us... my dad was terrified that some ill-meaning boy/man would find some way to take advantage of us girls... he made certain we knew how to shoot-to-kill & target practiced to the point that he felt confident in our comfort level of our gun, our ability to handle our gun (care & cleaning, etc...), and able/willing to use it if the need arose


You have gotten some great answers... I am hoping to simply add some insight

 

[phillyinjun]

You have gotten some great answers... I am hoping to simply add some insight

Yes, that gave me a lot of food for thought! BTW, did you ever talk to your parents how they could done this different?

What a family, for all the faults. Sounds like you had an interesting life,

 

[Adrraiya]

Yes, that gave me a lot of food for thought! BTW, did you ever talk to your parents how they could done this different?

What a family, for all the faults. Sounds like you had an interesting life,

Yes... bear in mind my parents got divorced when I was teenager

when my son was young, and I began my version of sex lessons with him

my Mom was suppressed by my Dad... being a good wife meant that you were only sexual when he wanted sex... you didn't have sexual needs of your own... I am reasonably certain that if he caught her masturbating he would have whapped her in the head as well

my Dad... his youngest daughter was only 6 months older than my son... so, I felt it was critically important for him not to do the same thing to her... but, he was very firm in his belief... so, then as an adult, I asked him... "As a man, do you want your wife to want sex? and to desire to have sex with you?"... his honest answer was that women needed to learn that a sexual woman is a whore and a slut and that no man wants a whore or a slut... men want women who are ladies.... so, I pointed out that he has had 5 kids & this meant the odds of him having a reasonably frequent sexlife was rather high... I asked him if the point should be that the woman should enjoy sex with her husband... to which he answered that men are supposed to be sexual, women are not supposed to be sexual but should be willing to take care of her husband... he even went as far as to say he expected sex several times a week...


From your question, you seem to assume that talking to my parents would have enlightened my parents..... it simply wasn't like that

 

[phillyinjun]

....
my Mom was suppressed by my Dad... being a good wife meant that you were only sexual when he wanted sex... you didn't have sexual needs of your own... I am reasonably certain that if he caught her masturbating he would have whapped her in the head as well
... his honest answer was that women needed to learn that a sexual woman is a whore and a slut and that no man wants a whore or a slut...
... to which he answered that men are supposed to be sexual, women are not supposed to be sexual but should be willing to take care of her husband... he even went as far as to say he expected sex several times a week...
....
From your question, you seem to assume that talking to my parents would have enlightened my parents..... it simply wasn't like that

Yes I had hoped they would see that the cultural and religious underpinnings of their understanding were dead wrong.

What a mess we got ourselves into! And it's prevalent across many cultures and religions. At least we didn't mutilate women and cut off their genitalia - same idea, women should not enjoy sexual pleasure. But what we've done here is just as terrible, isn't it?

Thank you for sharing so openly. I owe you a lot - this has helped me a lot.

 

[SweetErika]

What a mess we got ourselves into! And it's prevalent across many cultures and religions. At least we didn't mutilate women and cut off their genitalia - same idea, women should not enjoy sexual pleasure. But what we've done here is just as terrible, isn't it? .

Actually, some American women have been/are subjected to genital mutilation. It's not common, but it has happened and still happens in some cases, I'm sure. Ever read Possessing the Secret of Joy?

And most people here still don't think twice about male genital mutilation, which greatly decreases their son's sexual pleasure. Even when it's pointed out to them, they still think it's more "important for him to look like his dad" or have it done because they "find it more aesthetically pleasing."

 

[phillyinjun]

Actually, some American women have been/are subjected to genital mutilation. It's not common, but it has happened and still happens in some cases, I'm sure. Ever read Possessing the Secret of Joy?

And most people here still don't think twice about male genital mutilation, which greatly decreases their son's sexual pleasure. Even when it's pointed out to them, they still think it's more "important for him to look like his dad" or have it done because they "find it more aesthetically pleasing."

Ugh, I had no idea about female mutilation here. I haven't read the book, what's the premise.

I am not cut and am very happy for it

 

[SweetErika]

Ugh, I had no idea about female mutilation here. I haven't read the book, what's the premise.

I am not cut and am very happy for it

Click me.

Your local library may have it, but either way, it's well worth the read. I think it's one of those books that everyone should read, even though it's extremely difficult subject matter and very moving.

 

[Adrraiya]

As the mother of three girls I have had the talk with the oldest about sex. She knows she can ask me anything. Her daddy, that's another story. I told her honestly, if she ever felt she needed birth control to let me know. I also told her I wasn't worried about what some boy would do to her, I was worried about what she would allow them to do to her. You see all the girls at my house can take care of themselves, we train for it.

As for masterbation... the middle one had her hand down there one night when I went to tuck her in, I caught myself before saying... 'don't do that' instead I said, 'we can do that in private, but let's not do it in public.

All my girls know I am open and scientific and will not embarass them about anything they ask.

Hope I answered your questions...

Sounds like you are doing a great job...
I gotta ask..... do you ever wonder where the "first response" -- Don't do that.... the one you edited out... came from?

Because I found myself catching the same first response when my son was very young..... first response in my head was "don't do that"... I managed to edit this to something along the lines that it was good to do that in the privacy of the bedroom or the bathroom

.... is it so deeply inbedded into us (as a society or culture) that this is an automatic response to our children touching themselves?


.... isn't it interesting that even adults who are sexual enough to be on Literotica still have "Don't Do That" as a automatic first response?

 

[SweetErika]

.... is it so deeply inbedded into us (as a society or culture) that this is an automatic response to our children touching themselves?


.... isn't it interesting that even adults who are sexual enough to be on Literotica still have "Don't Do That" as a automatic first response?

I've been thinking about this, and I'm guessing for me it's a matter of probably hearing some negative things about masturbation when I was growing up and/or just not being told that it was a positive, healthy form of expression. So even though I strongly believe it's healthy, I'm still inclined to repeat what I was told as a child because what I learned in my formative years is more automatic than what I've come to believe as an adult. I'm guessing those patterns will change over time as I practice forming new habits (e.g. telling our son that masturbation is a great way to express himself in private for a variety of reasons).

 

[Annabell4you]

Sounds like you are doing a great job...
I gotta ask..... do you ever wonder where the "first response" -- Don't do that.... the one you edited out... came from?

Because I found myself catching the same first response when my son was very young..... first response in my head was "don't do that"... I managed to edit this to something along the lines that it was good to do that in the privacy of the bedroom or the bathroom

.... is it so deeply inbedded into us (as a society or culture) that this is an automatic response to our children touching themselves?


.... isn't it interesting that even adults who are sexual enough to be on Literotica still have "Don't Do That" as a automatic first response?

Very good question! I first wondered if it came from my childhood, but if you feel it too, I'm thinking it's from society and culture. Most of the men I know would say, if they found me touching myself, I'm being naughty. I actually extremely dislike that word. So why do we make others feel like they are doing something forbiden? We self explore the first time we ride a bike, throw a ball, drive a car... but that's all ok...

 

[mcevin]

Don't Do That, Honey

I used to hump the arm of the old brown couch on the back porch when I was [censored]. Mom was like, "Don't do that, honey."

Later, when I was [censored], one of mom's live-in studs gave me The Talk. Beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, in his wife-beater and boxers, big hairy belly hanging out, he's like, "You little bitch! You're too cute for your own damn good! I better not catch you drinking, smoking, or fucking around!"

Love,

Jamie

 

[aspiringDOM]

Welcome to my world. Despite desperate cries to my mom for more information about sex, sexuality, and human emotions, I received nothing. I can't blame her for my delayed development, but it certainly didn't help. I tend to think that the worse thing to do is ignore it in the hopes that your child will somehow grow up in a none sexual world without sexual desires other than those towards his / her spouse. Educate sooner than later is my opinion.

 

[temp256]

My parents told me nothing. Not a word. Despite this, they're very open minded and educated. Telling them I wanted to be a lesbian transwoman didn't phase them at all. They don't object to anything; they simply don't discuss it.

As a result, I was completely ignorant of sex and even my own body until I was 13, when I had a rather nasty medical issue resulting in a couple surgeries and permanent scarring. An issue which, had I known anything about how my body was supposed to work, would have been caught years prior when it could have been easily fixed.

So, I implore the new parents out there: talk to your kids about sex at an early age. At the very least, teach them about anatomy, and how to spot problems before they get worse. There's no question my life would be much better if my parents had done so.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I've been thinking about this, and I'm guessing for me it's a matter of probably hearing some negative things about masturbation when I was growing up and/or just not being told that it was a positive, healthy form of expression. So even though I strongly believe it's healthy, I'm still inclined to repeat what I was told as a child because what I learned in my formative years is more automatic than what I've come to believe as an adult. I'm guessing those patterns will change over time as I practice forming new habits (e.g. telling our son that masturbation is a great way to express himself in private for a variety of reasons).

I think a big part of this is that little kids,especially little boys, don't have a sense of what private and public mean. If you don't tell a little boy to stop playing with himself, chances are he'll be doing it in the living room in front of company. Tell him not to do that in front of people, the automatic response for him is that he's done something wrong and shouldn't do that. They just can't make that distinction, at least that's been my experience.

I guess I personally feel the same way about teens and sex. I've spent a LOT of time trying to figure out how to handle this topic. As a hopefully soon to be parent, this is the one thing that still has me a little frazzled. All my friends who have young kids are putting off figuring this out, and now my niece has just turned 13 and someone needs to talk to her. Chances are it will be my wife, so this should be an interesting conversation. Here's the one thing I disagree with in this discussion though, I don't think religion and it's views on sexuality are all negative. Let me explain why.

I'm probably wrong here, but this is what I believe. I'm Catholic, and yes, we're taught that premarital sex is a sin, as is masturbation, blah blah blah. Obviously I don't totally agree or I wouldn't' be here, right? If you really read between the lines of Humane Vitae(by the late pope) what he is saying is that we need to respect the human body and respect our sexuality. Not only that, but respect each other's sexuality. I'm sorry if I offend anyone here, but the idea of going out, getting wasted at a party and having a bunch of one night stand sex to me is wrong. I ascribe a lot more emotional value to sex and I want my children to do so as well. Does that mean premarital sex, or even sex solely for pleasure is wrong? No, that I don't necessarily believe. But I think if you just say it's all good do what you want, just wear a condom, you do your children a disservice, because how else will they learn to respect themselves and their sexuality? I DON'T buy this if you tell them how to be safe they'll do it mentality though. I think both extreme's are just as damaging.

My main concern is HOW to convey this belief. Hell it took me 30 years to come to grips with my sexuality. My gut tells me that I don't want my kids having sex when they're in high school, because I don't think teenagers are emotionally mature enough to grasp the emotional part of sex. Then again, how do I know how emotionally mature my kids are going to be? You can't just say only have sex with someone you are in love with, because most teens are always in love with someone, that's part of the emotional immaturity I'm talking about. So when they ask me when they'll know the time is right, what will I tell them? I lost my virginity just to spite an ex-girlfriend, so I don't have any great insights on this score.

The one thing I do know is that if they're going to do it, I want them to be safe about it. I got into a big discussion about birth control with some friends of mine. Yes the Catholics believe using birth control is a sin(let's not go into that debacle), but they also believe having sex out of wedlock is a sin. So what the hell, if you're already sinning, at least take responsibility for your actions right? For some reason, a lot of closed minded people just don't get that.

The reality is, the world has changed. Kids are physically maturing younger, but marrying later. To expect them to wait until marriage to have sex is just unreasonable. I guess what I'm saying is that I believe it's very important to place a high value on one's sexuality and convey that to your children. Sure give them all the info they need and don't teach them to be ashamed of their feelings and urges, but at the same time, I think it's proper to give teach them that sex is more than JUST pleasure. I know not everyone agrees, but that's what I believe.

 

[liv21]

My main concern is HOW to convey this belief. Hell it took me 30 years to come to grips with my sexuality. My gut tells me that I don't want my kids having sex when they're in high school, because I don't think teenagers are emotionally mature enough to grasp the emotional part of sex. Then again, how do I know how emotionally mature my kids are going to be? You can't just say only have sex with someone you are in love with, because most teens are always in love with someone, that's part of the emotional immaturity I'm talking about. So when they ask me when they'll know the time is right, what will I tell them? I lost my virginity just to spite an ex-girlfriend, so I don't have any great insights on this score.

I think talking about sex with teenagers must be rough. I agree you can't tell them "don't have sex until you're married," because it's implausible, not to mention usually damaging to the relationship and a gamble on the marriage. Saying you have to be in love with someone to have sex with them is a confusing lie. Kids start to equate sex with love in order to feel okay with asking their boyfriend or girlfriend for one or the other. They even believe they can trade sex for love, or vice-versa. I think it's best to tell them that love is not a necessary component for sex, but waiting until you're in love with someone who loves and respects you is essential for GOOD, pleasurable, emotionally "safe" sex.

I think that teens, if they wait long enough, will simply KNOW when they're ready to have sex. The problem is most of them don't wait, and I think it's because of what we tell them about it combined with all of the pressures and mixed messages from every direction. I was 17 when I lost my virginity, and you know what? It wasn't a big deal. I enjoyed it; I was comfortable. It's because I was ready for it.

As far as talking about sex with my parents, it never happened. I was another one of the kids that got a few books left on my dresser, and that was it. My parents were open about it, asking me if I had any questions, but I never really wanted their advice. Somehow I came about a wealth of sound knowledge and maturity about it, in my own time. Now they know I'm having sex, and I'm aware that they know, but it's become a section of my life that I keep private from them. They know I'm being safe and responsible. As long as my health isn't at risk, they don't need to know anything more.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Saying you have to be in love with someone to have sex with them is a confusing lie. Kids start to equate sex with love in order to feel okay with asking their boyfriend or girlfriend for one or the other. They even believe they can trade sex for love, or vice-versa. I think it's best to tell them that love is not a necessary component for sex, but waiting until you're in love with someone who loves and respects you is essential for GOOD, pleasurable, emotionally "safe" sex.

That's what I was trying to say without really knowing it. I believe, a lot of teens and even older people, think they can trade sex for love or for emotional reciprocation of some kind. In my experience, that never works and always leaves one disappointed. That's exactly the respect for the emotional complexities of sexuality I was talking about. Well said.

I think that teens, if they wait long enough, will simply KNOW when they're ready to have sex. The problem is most of them don't wait, and I think it's because of what we tell them about it combined with all of the pressures and mixed messages from every direction. I was 17 when I lost my virginity, and you know what? It wasn't a big deal. I enjoyed it; I was comfortable. It's because I was ready for it.

Exactly! I also think teaching them to value their sexuality will make it easier for them to resist those pressures and mixed messages. Give them the "sex is wrong speech" and those pressures are way more enticing. The idea of waiting til you think you are ready is way more palatable for a teen than wait til you're married. It also empowers them to make the decision for themselves and I think sometimes we don't give teens enough credit. Give them the right information up front, they may surprise you.

 

[Noira]

Interestingly enough, for all of my casual self induced lack of sex education, I am not sexually repressed. Sure, I was raised in a home that included remarks upon masturbation being dirty and sex only for marriage, but somehow I still came out of it a sexually confident pervert... even though the mentality of "a good wife is only sexual if her husband wants it" was always there (and not really from my family so much... but from the church and people around me too! Man, I still cringe thinking about the 'talk' we girls got at camp when I was a teenager about how we shouldn't wear tight clothes because we were making men sin... apparently at the same time the guys got a talk about not taking advantage of women and porn or something.) somehow... SOMEHOW... this just kept me from screwing myself over as an emotionally vulnerable teenager due to a fear of getting in a relationship and I came out a sexually confident, pervy adult with no fear of, and a serious facination with, human sexuality.

You'd think this would've stinted my sexual growth, but nope. For it all, I am confident in my own likes and dislikes and unafraid of female pleasure. Funny how very afraid some women seem to be... you'd think it'd be a good thing for women to be confident in their sexuality, more sex for her signifigant other, and with the mindset of sex being for male pleasure/procreation/pick something sexist and put it here... well! Mutual benefits! Oh well. I am an advocate of self exploration for the benefit of your own sanity and the sanity of your partner and I hope that if I ever have kids that I will teach them too, to be confident in their own personal perversions while still respecting the boundaries of others.