beyond confused...

[amandaxoferrari]

So for a couple months now I have read about and talked to some people about D/s lifestyle and I still have problems. I know that I get turned on watching porn or reading stories about submitting to someone and it is all I seem to think about when having sex, but I dont know if it is just the sexual fantasy part I'm turned on about or if I really am submissive. There have been some people I have talked to but they usually just want to roleplay and it is fun for awhile but I am really hoping to find someone who will actually help me out figuring out what I really need.

I guess what am asking is how do you know if you are really submissive or if you just like to get kinky in bed once in awhile?

 

[vintage63]

I believe when you find the right person you will know. I cannot submit to just anyone but when I met my Master it was so natural. Give it time, read, and talk to others. Go slow, feel, and think and then fell and think some more.

cheers

 

[CutieMouse]

I guess what am asking is how do you know if you are really submissive or if you just like to get kinky in bed once in awhile?

Out of curiosity, why is it necessary to quantitatively define yourself as one versus the other? What would be so bad about accepting you have some curiosities re: power dynamics in relationships, express that/see where things go from there?

 

[Mads]

Its really tough... my wife and I have been together for ten years and it wasn't until fairly recently that we've settled into a full time D/s routine.
As said, just take it slow and pay attention to what you're feeling about any given situation,

 

[Mads]

Out of curiosity, why is it necessary to quantitatively define yourself as one versus the other? What would be so bad about accepting you have some curiosities re: power dynamics in relationships, express that/see where things go from there?

Ya know what? I really like you. You manage to put what I'm thinking but failing to type

 

[amandaxoferrari]

Out of curiosity, why is it necessary to quantitatively define yourself as one versus the other? What would be so bad about accepting you have some curiosities re: power dynamics in relationships, express that/see where things go from there?

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

 

[Bandit58]

There are so many degrees of submission, from kink-in-the-bedroom only to a total Master/slave power exchange.

I suggest you browse the Library here and read a lot

 

[FloggingMolly]

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

I know what you mean, sometimes it can feel a bit like you have to 'tick the boxes' to fit in and be accepted. But honestly, I would try not to worry about what you count as, and go with the flow. As time goes on, the more you read and discuss, the more you see what does and doesn't fit with you.

 

[CutieMouse]

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

Mmmm... no.

I can make a much longer list of ways in which I [personally] do NOT meet some random criteria for being submissive, than do. In fact, while on a date last night, the gentleman I was with used the phrase "true submissive" and I actually flipped him off right there in the middle of the bar.

Does that make me any less of a submissive?

Nope.

 

[FloggingMolly]

In fact, while on a date last night, the gentleman I was with used the phrase "true submissive" and I actually flipped him off right there in the middle of the bar.

Sorry to hijack, but I am laughing my ass off at that. Were you on a date with our favourite troll?

 

[amandaxoferrari]

thanks for the help everyone!

 

[BiBunny]

Mmmm... no.

I can make a much longer list of ways in which I [personally] do NOT meet some random criteria for being submissive, than do. In fact, while on a date last night, the gentleman I was with used the phrase "true submissive" and I actually flipped him off right there in the middle of the bar.

Does that make me any less of a submissive?

Nope.

That's hot.

 

[rcoobc]

That's hot.

surely that's not the point

 

[midwestyankee]

Mmmm... no.

I can make a much longer list of ways in which I [personally] do NOT meet some random criteria for being submissive, than do. In fact, while on a date last night, the gentleman I was with used the phrase "true submissive" and I actually flipped him off right there in the middle of the bar.

Does that make me any less of a submissive?

Nope.

Yes, in fact. The TRUE police will be stopping by within 10 business days to collect your Submissive's License and Operating Certificate. Such transgressions simply cannot be allowed.

 

[cathrynb]

.....

 

[midwestyankee]

For the last week I've been trying to figure out how to write a thread just like this. I feel completely lost. Sometimes I think this is definitely for me... and sometimes the stuff I read freaks me out and I think I could never be in a D/s relationship.

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

 

[amandaxoferrari]

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

so if im reading this right...there could be some things you could like and some things your not into. but doesnt mean your cant be submissive or whatever

 

[NomadLady]

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

Great analogy with the shoes.....BDSM is something you have to make "your own" because that's the only way you will enjoy it and your partner will enjoy dominating you...it has to be "right" and with the right person.

 

[midwestyankee]

so if im reading this right...there could be some things you could like and some things your not into. but doesnt mean your cant be submissive or whatever

Exactly. The practices that get lumped under the BDSM umbrella are many and varied. No one person or couple could ever engage in or enjoy them all; in fact, some are completely contradictory.

Find your own way as responsibly and as enjoyably as you can.

 

[CutieMouse]

so if im reading this right...there could be some things you could like and some things your not into. but doesn't mean your cant be submissive or whatever

Yes. That's where the concept of limits (hard and soft) come into play.

Soft limits are things you aren't necessarily interested in (or not interested in), but willing to explore; hard limits are full stop no go type things. There should be a BDSM checklist [or three] in the library to give you some ideas of soft/hard limits.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Love the shoes analogy MWY

 

[BiBunny]

surely that's not the point

*Facepalm*

 

[VelvetSin]

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

I this analogy. That said, I have an overwhelming urge to go shoe shopping now.

 

[Stella_Omega]

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

You've been reading too many Romance novels, along with so many other young people.

For the last week I've been trying to figure out how to write a thread just like this. I feel completely lost. Sometimes I think this is definitely for me... and sometimes the stuff I read freaks me out and I think I could never be in a D/s relationship.

You don't have to be in a D/s relationship. You don't have to submit 24/7 to prove your worth, or some damn thing.


This is the big problem with the pop-culture fad of D/s, if you ask me. It starts to sound like stars and moons and valentines. BDSM is not True Love. It might be incorporated into True Love. Or it might be part of your dating style, or lots of one night stands. it's up to the individual.

Why not try a little bottoming in the bedroom for a while? See how that goes.

Read some books. Do some hanging out here with us.

 

[amandaxoferrari]

You've been reading too many Romance novels, along with so many other young people.
You don't have to be in a D/s relationship. You don't have to submit 24/7 to prove your worth, or some damn thing.


This is the big problem with the pop-culture fad of D/s, if you ask me. It starts to sound like stars and moons and valentines. BDSM is not True Love. It might be incorporated into True Love. Or it might be part of your dating style, or lots of one night stands. it's up to the individual.

Why not try a little bottoming in the bedroom for a while? See how that goes.

Read some books. Do some hanging out here with us.

haha i guess so. any books you would suggest? that arent romance and fake