Both Virgins first time sex

[Kamz]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for nearly 3years now. Our relationship has always been long distance.
We rarely met and when she believed in sex only after marriage so we had to stop at petting and dry humping.
We have made love over the phone and on webcam and we both love it.
she is 18 and I am 23 and I can't wait any longer.
Tomorrow she is coming to visit her parents in the town where i live, and she is going to stay for a month.
Earlier I had convinced her that we will finally have sex, but recently she had a gynec exam and when the gynecologist inserted a cotton swab (same sze as a cotton bud) it hurt her for days.
she has never inserted anything in the vagina before and she is now afraid of the pain.
I am very desperate and I don't want to cheat on her. Is there any way I can convince her to at least try it out. Or make it all more comfortable for her?

All advice appreciated.


P.S. I know that I have to be a loser to be a virgin till now so nobody needs to remind me that.

 

[silverwhisper]

kamz, is it possible the pain she experienced was the breaking of her hymen? i think that she should ask her doctor about the pain and that prospect.

ed

 

[Kamz]

I doubt her hymen would break with just a cotton bud.
But I do think that either her hymen is to sensitive or that the opening in her hymen is too small.
If we did have sex than her hymen would break and both the problems would be solved. But I am wondering if anyone has any other opinion

 

[fuckmeat]

Sounds like she had a cervical (HPV) smear test. Those can be very uncomfortable and I'm surprised because if they knew she is a virgin, they would know that the chances of her having abnormal cells is so small that they shouldn't have traumatised her with the test. Did she tell the doctor she is a virgin?

A cotton bud is quite a hard item compared to a penis and because it's so small, even a small amount of pressure can cause pain, like poking someone in the stomach with your finger. I expect she had some damaged tissue that hurt for a while and I also expect that the intimate exam put her off the idea of sex with you, which is as unfortunate as it is unfair. I'm not going to comment on her moral dilemma here but it's possible that she feels guilty about sex with you and is exaggerating the pain of her examination as an excuse not to get intimate.

If you do decide to have sex...

Basically, her vagina is designed to accommodate your penis. A nice long period of foreplay and kissing/touching will get her juices flowing and it sounds like she knows her own body enough to be able to get herself wet and have a climax before you try penetrating her. Start working on your pussy-eating technique. Have some lubricant handy (condom-friendly stuff) in case her nervousness makes her dry. You should assume that her hymen is intact and enter her firmly but gently. To give her more control and make her feel secure, you can let her go on top and take charge of putting you inside her. I'm sure it'll be a very special experience for both of you.

 

[Kamz]

A cotton bud is quite a hard item compared to a penis and because it's so small, even a small amount of pressure can cause pain, like poking someone in the stomach with your finger. I expect she had some damaged tissue that hurt for a while

This surely sounds helpful....

And yeah she did tell the Doc that shes a virgin....

Thank you

 

[horgasm]

First, you're not a loser, neither is she. Well, there might be other reasons, but not because of the virginity thing.

Second, If you both love and want each other , let things happen. Like Fuckmeat said, go slow, LOTS of warmup, and if she gets hurt or scared, don't be upset to back off. Don't feel bad about a good bout of non-penetrative sex for a while. Once SHE's ready, you're in (pun intended.) Remember, you two are having sex because you want to do it with each other, not to fulfill some "requirement" or to meet a deadline.

Best of luck.

(it's good advice, but I had to LOL a little when I passed on advice from someone named "fuckmeat.")

 

[Happy__Guy]

What you have to be understanding of, and I do mean HAVE to, is that first time sex will likely be awkward, uncomfortable, and short.

Like has been said before, the vagina is made to accommodate. But it takes a few times before everything is working properly.

Chances are she'll be insanely tense that first time or two, which doesn't go well with sex. She'll be nervous for her own reasons, anxious about 'being good for you' and very emotional all at once. This is just not a good combination for sex.

What you have to do, unless you're a complete jackass (which you don't seem to be) is to be comforting, smiling, and respectful. If it lasts 8 seconds and she's like "I need to stop" then stop. Then more importantly, comfort her about how it's okay that she needed to stop and that you're happy just to be there with her.

Then just hold her for a while. Make her feel secure with you.

Ultimately you want her to remember the night for how warm and caring you were, not how much of a pushy douche you were. You know?

The first time is a big moment in both your lives, but WAY bigger in hers. Coddle that moment for her. Cherish it. Make it a fond memory.

Remember, sex to her is probably more emotional than physical. Accept now that physically it's probably going to suck at first. It'll make the next time a little better, then a little better again, and in a month or two you'll both be so excited about how great it's gotten that you'll be hard pressed to keep your clothes on around each other.

But if you push her too hard, too fast, aren't comforting, aren't caring, then you'll make her not like you and permanently cloud her view of sex.

 

[Mac98]

Hahaha Fuckmeat and Horgasm... those are the two most AWESOME names I've seen here so far! Fuckmeat... how ridiculously funny I find that to be...

Anywho, I suggest talking about it with her first... and not just talking, actually conversing. Have a long conversation about it and try to find a compromise somewhere or try convincing her it'll be ok. I'm sure it will anyways.

 

[kittyn_]

Well, since it hasn't been mentioned yet, I'd say at least get some fingers in before going for full blown intercourse when you get there. If she seriously hasn't had anything not dr. inserted in her, she needs something more to go on. As mentioned, swabs are tiny, hard, and can easily make things hurt if they poke anything. Seriously, some variety of (gentle!) interior stimulation should probably happen, to reassure your girl that it can and will feel good. At least eventually

 

[Noira]

Earlier I had convinced her that we will finally have sex

(facepalm) She's 18, let her make her own damn mind up instead of convincing her. I was not emotionally ready to start having sex at 18 even though I, similarly to her, was in a long distance relationship with someone 23.

I am very desperate and I don't want to cheat on her. Is there any way I can convince her to at least try it out.

1) Then don't cheat on her, you can hold off until she's ready.
2) She's worried it'll hurt because of the exam and you're just worried about convincing her to try it out. ESPECIALLY if she believes in sex after marriage it might not be the best thing to keep pushing her. She'll be ready when she's ready.

P.S. I know that I have to be a loser to be a virgin till now so nobody needs to remind me that.

You're not a loser for being a virgin. I'd say you're less of a loser for holding off and proving you can think with more than your balls. You are never a loser for being a virgin.



I must heartily repeat what Happy___Guy said!

But if you push her too hard, too fast, aren't comforting, aren't caring, then you'll make her not like you and permanently cloud her view of sex.

Very much so. You have an 18 year old woman. She's experiencing weird hormones and very likely overwhelmed by life changes. 18 was a tough year for me. I was basically what you describe from her--believed in sex before marriage, and afraid. For some they'll be ready for others not. Women are EMOTIONAL. Don't push her too fast because you're desperate. You're 23. Obviously your right hand brought you this far, it can keep you going. You two will have a month, you don't have to be screwing every one of those days though I imagine you'd like to. You want her to warm up to you, to trust you, and keep liking you instead of getting the thought that you're an uncaring douchebag. First times can really cloud a woman's view of sex. Especially if they themselves aren't ready. Take it slow, warm her up to it, and make her feel secure.

And when it comes to the actual sex. FOREPLAY. Kiss! Don't just dive for the pussy. Lots of kissing, touching--the more turned on she is, the easier it'll be. Take it slow, warm her up, get a finger in first and try to slowly increase to two or three fingers to make it initially less painful...

And oh! It is possible she could have already broken her hymen, lots of women have on tampons, by swimming/gymnastics/horseback riding, masturbating... a cotton swab isn't a particularly large object, it's very likely just the fact that it's a hard, small object that caused the pain. Quite a lot of modern women, virgins included, have already broken their hymen. Jab yourself somewhere sensitive with the end of a pencil. It's like that. Except inside your vagina. Would definately cause pain!

A test like that is not the same as sex.

Take it slow, nice and easy, stop thinking you're a loser for being a virgin, and I'm sure that whether it be awkward, short, and emotional or not, it will still be a special moment for the two of you. I'm glad you don't want to cheat on her, and if you haven't so far, you can make it further. Let things happen on their own time rather than pushing it. Best of luck.

 

[Kamz]

Both "Fuckmeat" and "horgasm" are awsome names : ) and they have both came up with amazing advice.
@Happy Guy: Maybe I was a jackass, I expected the first time to be totally amazing... but you are right, it will probably last just a few seconds.It will still be very special, for both of us.
@Kittyn: "some variety of (gentle!) interior stimulation should probably happen" what do you suggest....

-Thankyou very much guys

 

[Kamz]

@Noira- I do love her a lot and i care for her a lot too...
But i belive that it takes the understanding of both of us to make the relationship work, so I prefer to speak out about my needs... ofcourse that does not mean that i would push her in to anything...
I know that I would definately be an uncaring asshole if i went and stuck my dick straight into her. I also know that the first time i may even have to stop at just foreplay.... or atleast just stick to foreplay till she is more confident.

Infact, I too am pretty nervous myself.....

 

[Kamz]

She has landed !!!!!
Will tell you people what happened.....
till then... keep the advice coming....thank y'all

Some day i may show her this thread

 

[Happy__Guy]

Will tell you people what happened.....

If so, then you aren't ready to be someone's first.

This might be a sexual site, but that doesn't mean that everything is fair game. Asking for advice is one thing. But coming back to discuss someone's else's first sexual encounter is classless.

First time sex isn't a public matter. It's very personal and private. Now if she wants to discuss her first time with the world, that's her business. If you want to discuss yours, it's your business. But you shouldn't be discussing her first time behind her back.

If you don't respect that part of this on your own then you might not be as caring about her as you say.

Remember, this is a big moment for her. RESPECT IT!

 

[kittyn_]

I do believe I mentioned fingers in my original post, and I'll stick by that statement
By gentle I simply meant don't just go jabbing, follow her cues, etc, when and if you get to that point. Just work a bit to get her at least somewhat used to having something in her, and get things loosened up a bit.

 

[coastal-boy]

Day 1: you can always masturbate in front of each other first. Use lube so that she is comfortable with it.
Day 2: then she can masturbate you and likewise you her. Again, use lube for both.
Day 3: Then you can go down on her.
Day 4: She can go down on you.
Day 5: Try it (with lots of lube).
Rest of the month: fuck like rabbits

 

[Eilan]

If so, then you aren't ready to be someone's first.

This might be a sexual site, but that doesn't mean that everything is fair game. Asking for advice is one thing. But coming back to discuss someone's else's first sexual encounter is classless.

First time sex isn't a public matter. It's very personal and private. Now if she wants to discuss her first time with the world, that's her business. If you want to discuss yours, it's your business. But you shouldn't be discussing her first time behind her back.

If you don't respect that part of this on your own then you might not be as caring about her as you say.

Remember, this is a big moment for her. RESPECT IT!

Quoted for fuckin' truth. You're a man, OP, not a high-school boy.

It's like scoring a touchdown: don't be the asshat who does the stupid dance in the end zone. Show some class and hand the ball to the ref, because you've been there before and you know you'll be there again.

ETA: If you show your GF this thread, you may very well be starting another thread about how to get laid a second time.

 

[satindesire]

You've gotten a lot of stellar advice here so far, but I wanted to put in some more info here just in case.

Contrary to what most modern mainstream porn shows, clitoral stimulation is VERY important to most women in order to achieve orgasm. Whether it's manual, oral, or via a sex toy, most women need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. A lot of couples focus on trying to bring the female to orgasm first, so that the male does not have to worry about "lasting a long time"...when she's satisfied, it won't matter how long it takes you to ejaculate (ten seconds or ten minutes), she'll be happy before penetration, making your job easier. If she has an orgasm before you try and penetrate her, she will find that it is not NEARLY as painful as it may have been if you had penetrated her without an orgasm. Orgasm will soften and loosen her vaginal muscles, relax her body and mind, and fully lubricate her vagina. Plus, if you wear a condom, that will cut down on surface tension and friction, making the pain less as well.

Women typically need ten times more time and stimulation (Note: not harder or faster stimulation, just more) in order to reach orgasm than men do. Female orgasm is also a very mental and emotional product of the brain, if she's tense, nervous, bored, unsure, scared, whatever, she might not be able to come. Don't take it personally, and DON'T put ANY pressure on her to orgasm. If you act like her orgasm is super important to your ego, she'll have a hard time getting in the mindset of easy oragsms with you, perhaps for the rest of your relationship. NOT a good thing.

A lot of women who have not had a lot of experience sexually with masturbating may not even know what and where their clitoris is or even how to have an orgasm. If she is sexually aware and has masturbated to orgasm before, your job gets easier. If you two have been sexual together and she has had an orgasm with you, it's EVEN EASIER! Every time a woman has an orgasm, it gets easier the next time, because it literally builds nerve pathways in the brain that allow future orgasms.

First time sex is something that girls think about almost their entire lives. And it's almost NEVER as awesome as their dreams. If she's disappointed, nervous, sad, scared and frightened, you need to be able to put your hormones on hold and make sure that she's 100% okay with continuing.

Also, last but not least, USE PROTECTION! A lot of people flame me for being "paranoid" but pregnancy preventions methods such as condoms are NOT 100% EFFECTIVE at preventing pregnancy. If you two are going to have intercourse, you both need to talk about the consequences of what could happen should you two have sex (I.E. unwanted pregnancy) and agree to what you two will do. Also, use at least TWO methods of pregnancy prevention (I.E. Condoms and hormonal birth control like the Depo Provera injection, the Patch, or birth control pills). By using at least two methods, you are literally doubling your chances at not becoming parents at such a young age.

 

[Kamz]

We don't keep secrets... so sooner or later i'd show her this thread.... and knowing her, i m sure that she would be amused not angry...
She probably has done a lot of research too, who knows, maybe she too has a thread on some other forum.

@Satindesire- that is valuable advice. Thank you. : )
@Happy Guy and Eilan- I love the girl...I wudnt do anythng that she weren't ok with....

 

[infinity706]

You've gotten a lot of stellar advice here so far, but I wanted to put in some more info here just in case.

Contrary to what most modern mainstream porn shows, clitoral stimulation is VERY important to most women in order to achieve orgasm. Whether it's manual, oral, or via a sex toy, most women need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. A lot of couples focus on trying to bring the female to orgasm first, so that the male does not have to worry about "lasting a long time"...when she's satisfied, it won't matter how long it takes you to ejaculate (ten seconds or ten minutes), she'll be happy before penetration, making your job easier. If she has an orgasm before you try and penetrate her, she will find that it is not NEARLY as painful as it may have been if you had penetrated her without an orgasm. Orgasm will soften and loosen her vaginal muscles, relax her body and mind, and fully lubricate her vagina. Plus, if you wear a condom, that will cut down on surface tension and friction, making the pain less as well.

Women typically need ten times more time and stimulation (Note: not harder or faster stimulation, just more) in order to reach orgasm than men do. Female orgasm is also a very mental and emotional product of the brain, if she's tense, nervous, bored, unsure, scared, whatever, she might not be able to come. Don't take it personally, and DON'T put ANY pressure on her to orgasm. If you act like her orgasm is super important to your ego, she'll have a hard time getting in the mindset of easy oragsms with you, perhaps for the rest of your relationship. NOT a good thing.

A lot of women who have not had a lot of experience sexually with masturbating may not even know what and where their clitoris is or even how to have an orgasm. If she is sexually aware and has masturbated to orgasm before, your job gets easier. If you two have been sexual together and she has had an orgasm with you, it's EVEN EASIER! Every time a woman has an orgasm, it gets easier the next time, because it literally builds nerve pathways in the brain that allow future orgasms.

First time sex is something that girls think about almost their entire lives. And it's almost NEVER as awesome as their dreams. If she's disappointed, nervous, sad, scared and frightened, you need to be able to put your hormones on hold and make sure that she's 100% okay with continuing.

Also, last but not least, USE PROTECTION! A lot of people flame me for being "paranoid" but pregnancy preventions methods such as condoms are NOT 100% EFFECTIVE at preventing pregnancy. If you two are going to have intercourse, you both need to talk about the consequences of what could happen should you two have sex (I.E. unwanted pregnancy) and agree to what you two will do. Also, use at least TWO methods of pregnancy prevention (I.E. Condoms and hormonal birth control like the Depo Provera injection, the Patch, or birth control pills). By using at least two methods, you are literally doubling your chances at not becoming parents at such a young age.

I'm not really sure about the getting the woman off first thing. That really depends on the people involved. If I have a partner that's going to be slow, I'd rather get off first so I can dedicate the rest of the session to them. Of course, that does require a partner that's not too self concious to have there be sex totally dedicated to their enjoyment. I also take a while sometimes, though, so it's not like I haven't been there with the orgasm troubles, as well.

Othewise, great advice as always. *hands satindesire a cookie for the great effort*

 

[satindesire]

I'm not really sure about the getting the woman off first thing. That really depends on the people involved. If I have a partner that's going to be slow, I'd rather get off first so I can dedicate the rest of the session to them. Of course, that does require a partner that's not too self concious to have there be sex totally dedicated to their enjoyment. I also take a while sometimes, though, so it's not like I haven't been there with the orgasm troubles, as well.

Othewise, great advice as always. *hands satindesire a cookie for the great effort*

Well, that's why I made it clear that NOT EVERYONE does that.

 

[LaRocha]

Don't listen to Satan's Desire or any of these people, stay a virgin until you die and Jesus will love you more.

 

[jtf71961]

Don't listen to Satan's Desire or any of these people, stay a virgin until you die and Jesus will love you more.

LOL, ya, right!!! Jesus???? LOL, this cant be serious.

 

[satindesire]

LOL, ya, right!!! Jesus???? LOL, this cant be serious.

S/He's just pissed off because I advised someone not to cheat on their spouse.

So now s/he trolls me because they're in looooove with meeeeeeee....

 

[infinity706]

Well, s/he does sort of have the right idea. There are just better ways to pursue a pretty woman than trolling.