Can someone change?

[njlauren]

The other thing to keep in mind is the kink may not be continuous,it can ebb and flow, depending on where your life is at (for others, it is always solidly there and something that never really abates). At some time in your life, kink might be what you crave and live for, at other times it is a diversion, at other times it might influence a large chunk of how you live life, at others, may almost or be dormant, and that is okay, everyone is different. It doesn't mean necessarily that you have given up kink, being dom/me or sub, it means in the context of your life it isn't as big a part or not at all at that time, and that may change. You are still kinky, still enjoy it, but have other things going on that may preclude it (or not).

 

[Marquis]

Far more interestingly - can someone honestly change from BDSM sex, to vanilla sex?

Like, honestly. Not to keep a partner, not to keep a job, but to really enjoy it like it's the only thing you ever wanted.

I'm going to venture pretty close to never.

So, no. People can discover options that they hadn't considered for cultural reasons or personal history reasons, or lack of opportunity. My behavior was vanilla and hetero till I was 23 years old. I was not.

If you want it, it's part of your possible repertoire. If you're really vanilla, then none of this "vanilla swirl" whatever - you're not going to want it.

You can break down bisexuality, for example, a million ways, but if you have a same-sex experience and didn't hate it, guess what...

I was waiting for this.

 

[luvnmyboys]

Thanks Quimsical.
after having kids I find that I cannot fully relax, even while having sex. There is always that part of my brain that is attuned to being ever vigilant, listening for them. But something about the sharp pain focuses me. It doesn't happen all the time, but even hubby has found that on those occasions when I just can't relax or let go the trick is employ a bit of pain.

Before kids, any hint of dominance or roughness would have had me putting a stop to intimate activities. But now it heightens my senses, increases my pleasure and possibly takes me out of "mother" mode. Does that even make sense?

So I find myself grappling with this idea of what changed? Did I? And I find myself asking the question more and more as I read posts where people debate the topic. So I thought I would devote a thread to the idea and see what everyone has to say.

thank you. i feel this same way. i try to think about why this is all so exciting for me and i think it's the relief of not being responsible for just a little bit. after taking care of kids and running a household all day, it's freeing to just give myself to someone else.

But I do struggle a bit because I look at my husband and realize that he has changed his behavior in large part to help me. I don't think I am 'converting' him, although I do think he is enjoying what we are exploring. He is exploring different aspects of himself and we are both running up against our own boundaries which I like to think is a good thing. But are we converting? Or simply allowing something that was within rise to the surface?

i have struggled with this off and on. i was the one to start us down this path and i was questioning for awhile whether i was putting him an awkward position. i wanted him to be happy with what we were doing also. he tells me this was clearly in him also and that i just opened the door. i finally decided to trust this and enjoy our fun. i enjoyed reading your posts today since they ar so close to my experience.

 

[dej]

Strange questions, i am thinking the same;

I never had a sub attitude in my life, neither a dominant one, not really. Just a vanilla and straightforward too.
Then my ex comes in the picture. "Want to try a new game?", "M..not certain", I guess i was a bit afraid at first.
Then the trust comes in "don't worry, it shall be playful", m..and it really was. And impressively relaxing too, all thoughts, worries, stress just got out of window, leaving me just the sensation and nothing more to linger on, I was able to focus again on the second, not thinking time, jobs, responsibilities, attitudes, me, him, nothing.
And then, there was a new experience added to the repertoire.

Unfortunately it did not work out, he was too dominant in life too, i was feeling dominated by his attitude and his tone and plus i had already another relationship with a guy for 6 years, only that we had split up at that period. So i decided to take my feelings and return to my old vanilla boyfriend with the peaceful life and the calm manners.

So what happens next? I try to guide him into being more playful in bed. Topping from the bottom, yes it's a no-no but you have to start from somewhere. So this story goes conversion after conversion. First times were really bad, i was not able to focus, guiding him, watching him, while he tried to watch me too. But things are getting better for both of us and it has added a new perspective into a relationship that i was thought it was through. These are the good news, the bad ones is that I am still topping and initiating actions, thinking scenes and new stuff that we could be trying. He is passive about most things that we try; i would like to be his ideas for once, his desire to add more spicy things in the relationship.

Sometimes is like alluring myself; "is he ever going to take action or just wait for me to go on like this?"
I do not know what to do to boost him a bit, on the other hand, I can not press him all the time. Perhaps i am just impatient. Perhaps I am insisting too much? These are some thoughts that are crossing my mind.

I do not know if anyone of you, ever found him/herself in the same position but it's like a debate in yourself and no one really has the answer. Still it's a hard procedure; finally I realized that i can not have the whole package; compromise. Who does not, after all?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Who told you that topping from the bottom is a no-no?
Read the essay linked in my signature, and see if any of it applies to you.

 

[dej]

Who told you that topping from the bottom is a no-no?
Read the essay linked in my signature, and see if any of it applies to you.

thank you, i had read it before, when searching info about bdsm and its practices, there are a lot of people insisting on the concept of the correct etiquette. That creates confusion, nevertheless, especially to newbies...

 

[Stella_Omega]

thank you, i had read it before, when searching info about bdsm and its practices, there are a lot of people insisting on the concept of the correct etiquette. That creates confusion, nevertheless, especially to newbies...

Tell them all to fuck off. Not one of those people are with you in your bedroom.

That "topping from the bottom" stuff is protocol. It assumes that the top has the necessary skills and has assumed the corresponding responsibilities. If the top can't top from the top-- just yet-- then the protocol does not apply.

 

[dej]

Tell them all to fuck off. Not one of those people are with you in your bedroom.

That "topping from the bottom" stuff is protocol. It assumes that the top has the necessary skills and has assumed the corresponding responsibilities. If the top can't top from the top-- just yet-- then the protocol does not apply.

haha, you are sounding so comforting and the truth is that i really need some encouragement at this stage, thank you so much for wanting to clarify that "protocol"

 

[Stella_Omega]

haha, you are sounding so comforting and the truth is that i really need some encouragement at this stage, thank you so much for wanting to clarify that "protocol"

Someone used the analogy of training a horse for dressage. it takes patience and repition and lots of positive reinforcement, but you wind up with a horse that carries you xactly where you want to go. Eventually.

Some horses don't even need the reins anymore, some always do. Some are showstoppers, some are passable. And some horses, to wind up this metaphor at last.. just never can be taught dressage at all.

 

[lowcollar]

I can only speak for myself and my partner's relationship. I first found out that I liked being spanked when I was 42. I was first pegged that following year. I was raised in a ridgid religion and kept things oral, vaginal or anal with me giving. Then everything changed. I let go of my inhibitions and got into more and more bondage, pegging, etc. I became much more expressive in the sack, but yet hadn't gone too far. Now, with my present mistress and partner, we have both willingly and happily tried so many things. There have been a lot of firsts, even in our 60's, we are still discovering.