can you tame a player?

[GirlMidnite]

Simple question, what do you guys think about taming the type of guy/girl who sees their sexual partners as a notch on a bedpost?

Can you 'tame' (i.e. make someone like you, want to change their behaviour) the kind of person who's sole purpose to romancing someone is to 'complete' the project of shagging them then discarding them like yesterdays shorts?

Also, can you make someone monogamous who glorifies in a polygamous lifestyle?

Do any of you have any experiences along these lines?

 

[SweetErika]

In short, no. You can't change/tame/make someone who doesn't want to change themself. You can make it a good environment for them to grow and change, but they have to take action because they want to change, not because you want them to. That pretty much applies to everything from lifestyle to religion to addiction.

I've put myself through a lot of grief and heartache trying to change people and hoping they would change. It's never worked, and at some point, I stopped trying and hoping. I'm not passive...I put my wants and needs on the table and realize it's up to both of us to take action. If the person doesn't address those needs, I have a choice as to whether or not I want to be around him or her.

 

[dollface007]

Sweet Lord, No!

 

[GirlMidnite]

There is no way, whatsoever, under no conditions?

 

[SweetErika]

There is no way, whatsoever, under no conditions?

If you gave us more to go on like the situation you're in, we could probably give you more specific advice.

 

[Bobmi357]

You can't change people. You can only help those that wish to change, change.

The player lifestyle seems attractive at a superficial level. But after several years of people tend to burn out. The more fortunate ones wake up one more and have an epiphany. Waking up and find no memory of the previous nite, or discovering that your playing ways have resulted in a sexually transmitted disease, or just discovering they can no longer keep up the pace, they opt to make changes in thier lives. But as an outsider watching a player burn his candle at both ends, there is nothing you can do, and trying will only result in your getting hurt.

Your intentions are noble, but are mostly likely to get you burned. Give it up and continue to watch from the sidelines. Don't get involved.

 

[hewolf]

Simple question, what do you guys think about taming the type of guy/girl who sees their sexual partners as a notch on a bedpost?

Can you 'tame' (i.e. make someone like you, want to change their behaviour) the kind of person who's sole purpose to romancing someone is to 'complete' the project of shagging them then discarding them like yesterdays shorts?

Also, can you make someone monogamous who glorifies in a polygamous lifestyle?

Do any of you have any experiences along these lines?

The answer is yes and no. The other posters are correct in saying that you
can only change someone who wants to change. But sometimes players want
to change their lifestyle and settle down.

A friend of mine who is a consummate player just got married two month ago.
His wife is expecting a child. He had hundreds of women, group sex, orgies, you name it; but now he resolved to be monogamous. I think he will be, he is 47 and knows what he wants.

I have to say though that his not a story of just coming across the right woman and changing his lifestyle. He wanted a family and monogamy for at least last 5 years and was looking for a wife in a very methodical manner.

An aside: to snare a "bad guy" (player)
and turn him into a good guy seems to be many women's fantasy. The problem here is that if you are successful, you are likely to lose your attraction for him, because his being a player was what attracted you in the first place.

 

[GirlMidnite]

There is a guy who I liked a lot as a friend, but then he pounced, this put me off him as a friend, but I am sexually a bit intrigued because my sex life has been fairly tame as of recent, and I've yet to be with a guy who is sexually dominant, so being around someone so confident is refreshing.

So far I've managed to sustain his interest by being a tease ( +having the ju jitsu skills to back that up) and being non-chalent.

Thing is, before he decided to pounce he was a really cool, open guy who I could have a proper conversation with. Post-pounce his personality has changed in a way I don't understand, his conversation skills have disappeared.

He's a self confessed 'bad boy', and he has a very bad reputation, but he's a bit schizophrenic in how he acts.

He did me a big favour the other day, which a friend said was uncharacteristic of him. Today he invited me round just to kiss me- which was highly uncharacteristic.

But then, I know guys like this so I know I am probably kidding myself. I am not having sex with him until I trust him, and he knows this. I also think it's possible that if I did shag him (and he is tempting) , he would probably just move on to the next challenge.

I will take into account any advice or thoughts given.

 

[VSE]

the kind of person who's sole purpose to romancing someone is to 'complete' the project of shagging them then discarding them like yesterdays shorts?

No, you cant. someone can. you might be that someone, you might not. If you are, yay you! If not live with it and move one.

You have to enter this kind of 'relationship' not in the "its a shag that will lead to something else" but just "its a shag who's next?".

The complication is that it is rarely that simple.

If you can deal with the fact that it might just be a fuck and then move on then go for it, if it moves on from there, yay you, if not well you kind of knew what was coming.

I know it sounds cruel, but then hey, so is life.

 

[SweetErika]

There is a guy who I liked a lot as a friend, but then he pounced, this put me off him as a friend, but I am sexually a bit intrigued because my sex life has been fairly tame as of recent, and I've yet to be with a guy who is sexually dominant, so being around someone so confident is refreshing.

So far I've managed to sustain his interest by being a tease ( +having the ju jitsu skills to back that up) and being non-chalent.

Thing is, before he decided to pounce he was a really cool, open guy who I could have a proper conversation with. Post-pounce his personality has changed in a way I don't understand, his conversation skills have disappeared.

He's a self confessed 'bad boy', and he has a very bad reputation, but he's a bit schizophrenic in how he acts.

He did me a big favour the other day, which a friend said was uncharacteristic of him. Today he invited me round just to kiss me- which was highly uncharacteristic.

But then, I know guys like this so I know I am probably kidding myself. I am not having sex with him until I trust him, and he knows this. I also think it's possible that if I did shag him (and he is tempting) , he would probably just move on to the next challenge.

I will take into account any advice or thoughts given.

Classic. His personality has probably changed because he's flipped into hunting mode. He sees you as his prey instead of a companion, and he doesn't want to see you as a companion because he know he will hurt you. That's my guess anyway (I've known guys like this).

He's trying to win your trust to get into your pants, and you're right, it's almost certain he'll dump you once you've had sex. If you're just in it for the sex and can keep your emotions out of it (hard...nearly impossible) or you don't mind being dumped, go for it. But don't expect he'll change once you've fucked, because that's way too much to hope for.

It sounds to me like your instincts know best though, and are telling you NOT to do it. You also may want to consider he could very well be a cespool of STDs. There are plenty of confident, dominant-in-bed men out there who are fun in and out of the bedroom and will treat you right in both respects. Trust your brain and intuition!

 

[Tokan]

How interesting.

I'll be first to state, however, that there are many people that find the 'player's' life fulfilling in itself, and enjoy meeting new challenges/lovers by the week, if not month. No problem there. It is presumptuous to assume that the lifestyle is bound for failure. I've personally known men in their 60's that continued to live the lifestyle, -quite- happily, and put to shame the notions that eventually a person will want to settle down (yes, Viagra -did- help them lol).

I'd say the closest way to 'tame' a person in this manner is to remain a challenge to them. If they are the type that plays for the sake of challenge alone, they may fall into this. If they play for the purpose of exciting encounters to enhance their sexual experience.. this will -not- work. The strategy in this case is to be very spontaneous and willing to try new things. Realize nothing is permanent, though, and the ending may come sooner or later than you think.

~ Tokan

 

[Stiffy Says...]

Classic. His personality has probably changed because he's flipped into hunting mode. He sees you as his prey instead of a companion, and he doesn't want to see you as a companion because he know he will hurt you. That's my guess anyway (I've known guys like this).

He's trying to win your trust to get into your pants, and you're right, it's almost certain he'll dump you once you've had sex. If you're just in it for the sex and can keep your emotions out of it (hard...nearly impossible) or you don't mind being dumped, go for it. But don't expect he'll change once you've fucked, because that's way too much to hope for.

It sounds to me like your instincts know best though, and are telling you NOT to do it. You also may want to consider he could very well be a cespool of STDs. There are plenty of confident, dominant-in-bed men out there who are fun in and out of the bedroom and will treat you right in both respects. Trust your brain and intuition!

SweetErika's got a hell of a good point.

I remember being in the military, and lots of guys on base were players...I despise those fuckers...make women suffer for their opportunity to get their rocks off then the nice guys have to pay for it by dating women who are scared of players, have been played and are terrified to trust a guy to buy em a soda much less with anything more substantial. Some even turn into players themselves, and treat nice guys like shit to exact some sort of misplaced revenge - guilty by assosciation of gender it seems.

This guy is likely poison, smiling, virile, sexy poison - don't drink the kool-aid!!!

 

[crazybbwgirl]

WHY??? Why would you want to even try to change them? First rule of relationships: People don't change because of anything you do - they change because THEY want to. (and rarely then) There's lots and lots of men out there - ----- no need to entangle yourself with this one!

 

[horny_boi]

have you ever bought a car?
If you were smart, You'd try all the cars your interested in and then choose the one for you.

Now I know this will probably piss everyone off and start them yelling at me but whatever.

How is a guy suppose to know who is the girl best for him if he hasen't been with many? would you rather have a 'nice guy' who fell for you in high school got married.. and meets a wild girl later and has an affair and falls in love with her?

I'm just trying to say.
If you are very special maybe he will change for you.
But he may not.

So take a risk or play it safe
your choice
you only live once


Personally I'd rather look back on something and say hey atleast i tried rather than what if ..

 

[GirlMidnite]

SweetErika: You are right, my instincts are actually telling me that he is gearing up to using me for sex- his personality has changed a lot, in a slightly sociopathic way, since he took me out of the 'friend' box and popped me in the 'sex' box. In fact, when he last offered me a drink, I told him that he had to drink it first because I wasn't convinced that he hadn't spiked it.
I really do not trust him, he knows this. I won't have sex with someone I do not trust.
When he asked for a kiss last time, I didn't really want to for some reason and did not. My higher instincts overpowered my more base instincts. I just felt it was a really bad idea, like he was pretending to be romantic to try and secure my trust.

He doesn't have the profile of a 'window shopping' player- I've had some guy friends like this- they tend to be created when they end up in an intensive relationship with a nutty girl, so they become more systematic in searching for their next girl to weed out potential flakes. They are not likely to try and extract sex from a girl in the initial stages, though they will date many girls at the same time.

No, I will not drink the Kool-Aid. Or I will try not to.

 

[GirlMidnite]

Are girl players the same as guy players?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Are girl players the same as guy players?

"Girl players" aren't looking for sex or to add a notch on the bedpost, they're looking for a husband. That's a whole different game - but a game none the less.

 

[Winemaster]

too smart

I have to say...sweet erika is too smart....she knows personalities well. But I do have to say....that changing environment and addressing needs is the key. If you are a challenge for the person to conquer...then that is all you will be "used" for. If you are a campanion who he wants to be around....and he realizes he has to change to be around you...he will. It all comes back to want his needs are....sorry to say...we can't control a persons emotions...you can only sense what they are and address them. If you sense you are a "notch in a bed post" then that is probably what he is looking for. If you sense...he enjoys your friendship and is willing to change to have it...then he will. Good Luck!

 

[smoothdevil]

Simple question, what do you guys think about taming the type of guy/girl who sees their sexual partners as a notch on a bedpost?

Can you 'tame' (i.e. make someone like you, want to change their behaviour) the kind of person who's sole purpose to romancing someone is to 'complete' the project of shagging them then discarding them like yesterdays shorts?

Also, can you make someone monogamous who glorifies in a polygamous lifestyle?

Do any of you have any experiences along these lines?

just an opinion here ... a guy/girl who sees their sexual partners as a notch on a bedpost is not a player ... he or she have more insecurities than Sigmund .. forever trying to boost their egos or self esteem by thinking that fucking somone makes them bigger smarter faster... ie .. eating the heart of an enemy ...

I have to agree, that only they can change themselves in the long run, maybe a traumatic incident can help that along ... kick in the balls .. lol lol

As for the individual who truly enjoys the company of more than one partner and treats all with mutual respect, I can see no harm in that if all parties concerned are in agreement with that r/s ...

 

[sharpchick]

If you just want a good time in bed, then go for it - with protection of course. If you are looking for a future, move on.

 

[Tokan]

Re: Re: can you tame a player?

just an opinion here ... a guy/girl who sees their sexual partners as a notch on a bedpost is not a player ... he or she have more insecurities than Sigmund .. forever trying to boost their egos or self esteem by thinking that fucking somone makes them bigger smarter faster... ie .. eating the heart of an enemy ...

Totally wrong. To me, 'player' is -just- that. They use the insecurities, emotional weaknesses and their own sexual dynamism to have their way with a person, and then leave them when they're satisfied. Here's my definition:

A person who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing emotionally-dependent people by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

Period. I've been called one before because I'm polyamorous, and do not settle with one person. Manipulation, and lack of sexual commitment, are two TOTALLY different ideas.

~ Tokan

 

[smoothdevil]

Re: Re: Re: can you tame a player?

A person who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing emotionally-dependent people by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.

Period. I've been called one before because I'm polyamorous, and do not settle with one person. Manipulation, and lack of sexual commitment, are two TOTALLY different ideas.

~ Tokan

you entitled to your wrong opinion ... lol ... the game to these players is the emotional seduction of emotionally dependant people ????? ... they wouldn't be able to do that to a non-emotionally dependant person ... secondly .. the seduction probably takes a lot of more time and effort than the sex ... and their orgasm doesn't come from their dicks, it comes from what they think is their winning the game

 

[hewolf]

girl players

"Girl players" aren't looking for sex or to add a notch on the bedpost, they're looking for a husband. That's a whole different game - but a game none the less.

That is a very common view, but not correct IMO.

Women players are most often looking for validation, not for husbands. Most of them are attention junkies.

The other way of looking at it is to say that men players love to capture bodies, women players love to capture hearts.

Women players are often also looking for expensive dates, gifts and vacations, free drinks, etc.

 

[hewolf]

players

SweetErika's got a hell of a good point.

I remember being in the military, and lots of guys on base were players...I despise those fuckers...make women suffer for their opportunity to get their rocks off then the nice guys have to pay for it by dating women who are scared of players, have been played and are terrified to trust a guy to buy em a soda much less with anything more substantial. Some even turn into players themselves, and treat nice guys like shit to exact some sort of misplaced revenge - guilty by assosciation of gender it seems.

This guy is likely poison, smiling, virile, sexy poison - don't drink the kool-aid!!!

Well Stiffy

The guys you describe are really doing the wrong thing - they do not manage
"their "targets" expectations correctly.

That comes from their own insecurity.
They do not believe that women would be interested in what they can offer - the good time, a short fling. These guys buy the view that women are only
interested in sex in "relationship" context, and (falsely) present themselves as potential bf's or husbands.

We Litniks know that women are often interested in sex in other contexts as well. They are just not very open about it for fear of being labelled "sluts".

The real players are men who are open about their desires for short-term flings, and who are good at reading subtle clues from women about their real desires. These guys are non-judgemental (so woman feels she would not be labeled a slut by them for showing her sexuality), entertaining and ahve good communication skill. They are good at attracting women by conveying they would have an enjoyable time, sexuallly and otherwise.

 

[Tokan]

Re: Re: Re: Re: can you tame a player?

you entitled to your wrong opinion ... lol ... the game to these players is the emotional seduction of emotionally dependant people ????? ... they wouldn't be able to do that to a non-emotionally dependant person ... secondly .. the seduction probably takes a lot of more time and effort than the sex ... and their orgasm doesn't come from their dicks, it comes from what they think is their winning the game

That's the whole point. The 'game' that is being played is one that breaks hearts and discourages future relationships. "Non-emotionally dependent" individuals are -not- as privy to being 'played', unwittingly, as those that are. The key is -manipulation-, and that is the cornerstone of the 'player'. I'll open my understanding to include sex being a prime motivator, but not the only one.

~ Tokan