Cheating Spouse...

[SEVERUSMAX]

Yeah, a majority of cheaters have double standards and so do most revenge cheaters. It's that infantile, self-centered nature that says, "Mine, mine, all mine."

Walk away with your head held high. Money isn't worth a life of quiet desperation.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

I find it intersting that in this reply you put the good points in this order....
1. Children
2. Finances
3. Feelings

This is the old school, non selfish way of viewing things. Modern day, everyone puts their feelings at the top of the list (wrongfully so).

 

[warrior queen]

This is the old school, non selfish way of viewing things. Modern day, everyone puts their feelings at the top of the list (wrongfully so).

You think?
I would have thought the number one reason for staying with a cheater would be because you love them regardless. Or despite.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

It's a good motive, but recent research indicates that it doesn't help the kids at all if their parents are constantly at odds. Noble, but misguided.

Still, I do admit that feelings have been front and center in this culture. Sometimes right, sometimes wrong. A marriage of convenience is only good when it's something that both parties knowingly embrace and are content to experience.

 

[Que]

It's a good motive, but recent research indicates that it doesn't help the kids at all if their parents are constantly at odds. Noble, but misguided.

Still, I do admit that feelings have been front and center in this culture. Sometimes right, sometimes wrong. A marriage of convenience is only good when it's something that both parties knowingly embrace and are content to experience.

She said nothing about being "at odds" especially "constantly."

A lot of "recent research" is pretty agenda driven.

A lot of "current statistics" say that the trend of following"recent research" hasn't improved outcomes.

 

[IyaMemora]

Alot of you are genuinely helping here and I thank you for that. I think a therapist would be best, but it may not be very practical with him being away all the time.

My children do come first. My oldest aren't even mine but his from a previous relationship, but I have raised them and they have a better chance thanks to our marriage. I guess the situation is a little more complicated than I can get into. But as I stated he is my best friend and we are great partners...just can't keep it in his pants when the opportunity is presented to him...

I haven't found another man but I did turn down many opportunities because yeah like richard said I am pretty mad that I turned them down when he didn't. We discussed having an open marriage but he didn't want to share me physically.


Bastard.

I guess my problem is moving on then. Cheating won't help. I have to stay. Advice columns say that healing takes time. Normally 2 to 5 years. So I have a new problem......

Anybody have a time machine handy that can jump me to two years in the future???

 

[IrezumiKiss]

We have children that I'm the caretaker for. He has the well paying job...can't leave that. We are too comfortable and too secure. I do love him. He's my best friend and my partner. There is no one else. But I just think of all the times he neglected my needs and maybe didn't respond to a text or a phone call. Id try flirting with him and he wouldn't flirt back. And all this time he had another woman that he would text and call and flirt with. Not saying he neglected me completely, but any time he gave her attention, well it belonged to me dammit.

Cheating, in my mind, would be a way to strike back. Revenge. He hurt me so now I get to have fun and hurt him too.

Yeah guess that does sound dumb when I put it that way. But you guys just don't get what is going around in my head. It just can't make sense of all of it.

It's not the sex, it's the cheating that's fucking shit up.

You can't change the past, but you can reshape the future. Revenge sex won't heal anything. Making it a mutual thing with everyone concerned might flip the switch and open up a new range of pleasures for you. Since you apparently have needs also, arrange a foursome featuring you, your hubs, your hubs' sidepiece and an extra cock totin' hunka-hunka of your own choosing. Like some dude you run into casually from time to time you've always wanted to bang who's also checked out the way you bounce. Once you've hashed out the rules, have everyone get down to the get-down all together in the same bed or the same room. You be the ringleader. Make both sidepieces fuck each other while you and hubby watch 'em from the sofa while drinking some primo red wine. Or have hubby fuck you, nut in your pussy and have the other two suck out the curdy baby jelly out from your nether lips like little fishies nibbling on tetra flakes.

Y'see what I'm getting at here? Just take the cheating out of it completely while reinforcing your power to control your sexual satisfaction. Your hubs is now openly getting the side pussy he lusts for to keep him in check, her ability to blackmail or whatever he feared is negated, the other dude will have a Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve from fucking two pieces of ass and all will be strung by the leash that you will hold.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr if that's not something you can hang with, then get a messy, expensive and soul-draining divorce. The choice is yours!

 

[Que]

Alot of you are genuinely helping here and I thank you for that. I think a therapist would be best, but it may not be very practical with him being away all the time.

My children do come first. My oldest aren't even mine but his from a previous relationship, but I have raised them and they have a better chance thanks to our marriage. I guess the situation is a little more complicated than I can get into. But as I stated he is my best friend and we are great partners...just can't keep it in his pants when the opportunity is presented to him...

I haven't found another man but I did turn down many opportunities because yeah like richard said I am pretty mad that I turned them down when he didn't. We discussed having an open marriage but he didn't want to share me physically.


Bastard.

I guess my problem is moving on then. Cheating won't help. I have to stay. Advice columns say that healing takes time. Normally 2 to 5 years. So I have a new problem......

Anybody have a time machine handy that can jump me to two years in the future???

There are, unfortunately no shortcuts to time. Wallowing in revenge fantasies, while momentarily satisfying makes all of that time longer and more painful.

This has, understandably been a blow to our self-esteem. Do things that build our self esteem. Do the things you are great at. Do the things that bring you joy.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

IK, interesting and kinky advice. Pity the man isn't willing to share. An open marriage has such potential. Of course, not everyone is a top, but some of your counsel might work if he was open to....you know, openness. But again, I don't know if either of them are ready for that. It takes some time to get ready for it for many people.

As for staying together for the kids, I've seen where that doesn't work out. It can if you're able to stand each other, but not if you're bickering regularly over affairs and such.

 

[parodyluvr75]

So I recently found out that my husband of two years cheated on me right after we were married. It only happened once but he maintained a friendship with her since then supposively because he was afraid she'd tell me.

I consider myself a nympho, but I was willing to ignore my own needs because his work kept him away from home. I was faithful and loved him despite his many faults. So though we are still together and trying to work it out, I can't help but be angry because all this time, if he had just been honest, I could've been with someone else on the side instead of suffering.

So my dilemma, would cheating help heal me? If I went and got a side man to take care of just my physical needs while my SO is gone, would I feel better about his wanderings?

I figured some of you have more experience with this than I do. I have never cheated on a partner before but I feel like maybe I should. Thanks guys.

No it won't heal you and no you won't feel better. I've had partners like your husband. I'm surprised he admitted to the affair, they usually turn it back on you. If you can leave him eventually, I suggest you do. He will kill you an inch at a time. Good luck.

 

[CandiCame]

IDk man, I woulda dumped his lying ass. Loudly. And violently.

But that might just be my culture. I'd have trashed his shit before I caught myself because that's not considered an overreaction even though it very clearly is.

I really don't understand how people bounce back from that kind of shit. Or think, "Well I'll just lie to him and we'll be even." How could you ever trust that guy ever again? He's willing to lie about that, what else has he lied about? He obviously doesn't think much of you because he's willing to lie strait to your face and withhold important relationship information out of, what? Aggression? Fear? Just plain spite?

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

But that might just be my culture. I'd have trashed his shit before I caught myself because that's not considered an overreaction even though it very clearly is.

This culture is not logical, Captain.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

It's a good motive, but recent research indicates that it doesn't help the kids at all if their parents are constantly at odds. Noble, but misguided.

Still, I do admit that feelings have been front and center in this culture. Sometimes right, sometimes wrong. A marriage of convenience is only good when it's something that both parties knowingly embrace and are content to experience.

My parents stayed together for the kids even though they hated each other. I am 100% grateful because as a result I grew up in a middle income household and got an education. Fuck "recent research". The purpose of marriage isn't to make you feel good everyday. It is forming a bond and building a family. All a couple has to do is be polite and respectful to each other while raising their kids. Every day isn't a trip to the circus.

 

[IyaMemora]

It's not the sex, it's the cheating that's fucking shit up.

You can't change the past, but you can reshape the future. Revenge sex won't heal anything. Making it a mutual thing with everyone concerned might flip the switch and open up a new range of pleasures for you. Since you apparently have needs also, arrange a foursome featuring you, your hubs, your hubs' sidepiece and an extra cock totin' hunka-hunka of your own choosing. Like some dude you run into casually from time to time you've always wanted to bang who's also checked out the way you bounce. Once you've hashed out the rules, have everyone get down to the get-down all together in the same bed or the same room. You be the ringleader. Make both sidepieces fuck each other while you and hubby watch 'em from the sofa while drinking some primo red wine. Or have hubby fuck you, nut in your pussy and have the other two suck out the curdy baby jelly out from your nether lips like little fishies nibbling on tetra flakes.

Y'see what I'm getting at here? Just take the cheating out of it completely while reinforcing your power to control your sexual satisfaction. Your hubs is now openly getting the side pussy he lusts for to keep him in check, her ability to blackmail or whatever he feared is negated, the other dude will have a Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve from fucking two pieces of ass and all will be strung by the leash that you will hold.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr if that's not something you can hang with, then get a messy, expensive and soul-draining divorce. The choice is yours!

lmao o my gosh that was the best laugh I've had in a while. Definitely not something that's ever going to happen, but I can just see myself sitting in the armchair with a glass of wine watching all the debauchery like some insane, kinky Dark Lord.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I am glad that they made it work for you. Kudos to them for their self-sacrifice and nobility. Sadly, not everyone handles it that maturely. The problem comes in when they aren't polite and respectful to each other, as you said. I think that you can agree that this isn't a healthy environment for the kids.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

he

He, your husband, needs to "get", understand, and comprehend (all those are the same thing but there needs to be emphasis on it) how you've been hurt. He either hasn't gotten it or hasn't satisfactorily expressed to you that he did. Healing is not a matter of concluding you'll just get over it, or accept it, or forget it. Can't be done. A skilled counselor should be able to help the two of you IF you both are willing to work on it. If the two of you were in front of me, I'd set up a pillow or some object to represent him to you and allow you to beat the stuffing out of it with a baseball bat so as to demonstrate to him what is going on in your mind. If he won't go to counseling, you might do that in front of him anyway to see if he'll "get it".
Good luck. You deserve some good.

 

[IyaMemora]

My parents stayed together for the kids even though they hated each other. I am 100% grateful because as a result I grew up in a middle income household and got an education. Fuck "recent research". The purpose of marriage isn't to make you feel good everyday. It is forming a bond and building a family. All a couple has to do is be polite and respectful to each other while raising their kids. Every day isn't a trip to the circus.

THANK YOU. I talked to my grandmother about the situation when I had no one else to talk to. My grandfather had cheated on her twice that she knows of. He never apologized or showed any remorse. But she stayed because of the kids and the financial security. All her children show her so much gratitude for doing that. My husband at least is remorseful and any time I get depressed he apologizes and tries to make me feel better.

But knowing that its best for the kids is what really drives me. Glad someone else has seen it work too.

 

[IyaMemora]

He, your husband, needs to "get", understand, and comprehend (all those are the same thing but there needs to be emphasis on it) how you've been hurt. He either hasn't gotten it or hasn't satisfactorily expressed to you that he did. Healing is not a matter of concluding you'll just get over it, or accept it, or forget it. Can't be done. A skilled counselor should be able to help the two of you IF you both are willing to work on it. If the two of you were in front of me, I'd set up a pillow or some object to represent him to you and allow you to beat the stuffing out of it with a baseball bat so as to demonstrate to him what is going on in your mind. If he won't go to counseling, you might do that in front of him anyway to see if he'll "get it".
Good luck. You deserve some good.

Now that would be enjoyable. I probably should've done that even before I discovered the affair.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

THANK YOU. I talked to my grandmother about the situation when I had no one else to talk to. My grandfather had cheated on her twice that she knows of. He never apologized or showed any remorse. But she stayed because of the kids and the financial security. All her children show her so much gratitude for doing that. My husband at least is remorseful and any time I get depressed he apologizes and tries to make me feel better.

But knowing that its best for the kids is what really drives me. Glad someone else has seen it work too.

You will hear from people, "My children would rather see me be happy than stay in a marriage that doesn't make me happy." Don't listen to them, they never asked the children for their opinion and of course if a child is young enough to need you, he is too young to have an opinion on the subject. Those people are putting their pride and personal desires above the needs of their family. Sometimes divorce is called for, and sometimes not. Only you can decide that for yourself.

 

[Que]

THANK YOU. I talked to my grandmother about the situation when I had no one else to talk to. My grandfather had cheated on her twice that she knows of. He never apologized or showed any remorse. But she stayed because of the kids and the financial security. All her children show her so much gratitude for doing that. My husband at least is remorseful and any time I get depressed he apologizes and tries to make me feel better.

But knowing that its best for the kids is what really drives me. Glad someone else has seen it work too.

That is kind of important. He doesn't get a gold star for being remorseful, since he should be remorseful, but be careful you don't make him regret being honest and remorseful.

 

[CandiCame]

But that might just be my culture. I'd have trashed his shit before I caught myself because that's not considered an overreaction even though it very clearly is.

This culture is not logical, Captain.

I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive
I carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlight
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires-
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats!
Cause the next time he cheats
It sure won't be on me!

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive
I carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlight
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires-
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats!
Cause the next time he cheats
It sure won't be on me!

Yeah, I'm from West Virginia. I know the score. Both sexes can get medieval when it comes to being hurt. I was mostly engaging in cultural satire there.

 

[CandiCame]

You will hear from people, "My children would rather see me be happy than stay in a marriage that doesn't make me happy." Don't listen to them, they never asked the children for their opinion and of course if a child is young enough to need you, he is too young to have an opinion on the subject. Those people are putting their pride and personal desires above the needs of their family. Sometimes divorce is called for, and sometimes not. Only you can decide that for yourself.

I was a lot happier when my parents split up. There have been studies done on children of divorced parents and they don't mesh with what you're saying. Children are better in a positive environment than one where their parents are always fighting. They can even get a psychological disease called "failure to thrive" which is basically where the negative energy in the house gets so bad that they can't even absorb nutrient properly and it starts physically killing them. That's even if you're feeding them correctly, taking care of their basic physical needs, etc. It's considered in many states (not here, because we're horrible people, but that's slowly changing) to be a form of child abuse.

 

[CandiCame]

Yeah, I'm from West Virginia. I know the score. Both sexes can get medieval when it comes to being hurt. I was mostly engaging in cultural satire there.

It'd be a fight, that's for damn sure. You're pretty close.

 

[CandiCame]

THANK YOU. I talked to my grandmother about the situation when I had no one else to talk to. My grandfather had cheated on her twice that she knows of. He never apologized or showed any remorse. But she stayed because of the kids and the financial security. All her children show her so much gratitude for doing that. My husband at least is remorseful and any time I get depressed he apologizes and tries to make me feel better.

But knowing that its best for the kids is what really drives me. Glad someone else has seen it work too.

My great grandfather went to a bar with a chick that my mamaw hadn't approved one time and she walked in and beat the living shit out of him. I was told this story at my papaw's funeral and I was like, "Damn, she was a firecracker when she was young."

And my mamaw goes, "Young? That was like a year ago. Man runs around on me I'll kick his ass!"

And I was just like, "...you're 92. He's not going to run around on you. No one wants him. He was /ancient./ Jesus Christ, woman."

"DON'T TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN, BOY! WE'RE IN A DAMN CHURCH!" and then she hit me in the head. And I was like, "WTF!? You just said 'damn!' but I didn't say it out loud because she would totally hit me again. She's a crazy bitch. They had 13 kids and she'd have chased him outta the house with a butcher knife if he fucked around on her. It's not better for the kids.