Cheating Spouse...

[IyaMemora]

My great grandfather went to a bar with a chick that my mamaw hadn't approved one time and she walked in and beat the living shit out of him. I was told this story at my papaw's funeral and I was like, "Damn, she was a firecracker when she was young."

And my mamaw goes, "Young? That was like a year ago. Man runs around on me I'll kick his ass!"

And I was just like, "...you're 92. He's not going to run around on you. No one wants him. He was /ancient./ Jesus Christ, woman."

"DON'T TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN, BOY! WE'RE IN A DAMN CHURCH!" and then she hit me in the head. And I was like, "WTF!? You just said 'damn!' but I didn't say it out loud because she would totally hit me again. She's a crazy bitch. They had 13 kids and she'd have chased him outta the house with a butcher knife if he fucked around on her. It's not better for the kids.

wow that sounds like one scary lady.

I'm definitely not like that. The kids are happy and healthy. I've kept this anger and betrayal away from them because its best for them.

Seriously, 92??!!?? Gross.

 

[Debbie]

So I recently found out that my husband of two years cheated on me right after we were married. It only happened once but he maintained a friendship with her since then supposively because he was afraid she'd tell me.

I consider myself a nympho, but I was willing to ignore my own needs because his work kept him away from home. I was faithful and loved him despite his many faults. So though we are still together and trying to work it out, I can't help but be angry because all this time, if he had just been honest, I could've been with someone else on the side instead of suffering.

So my dilemma, would cheating help heal me? If I went and got a side man to take care of just my physical needs while my SO is gone, would I feel better about his wanderings?

I figured some of you have more experience with this than I do. I have never cheated on a partner before but I feel like maybe I should. Thanks guys.

If one person cheats in a committed relationship that is f@#ked up.

If you retaliate and cheat too that is really f@#ked up.

I'm not trying to be mean but if you both going to give it a go to try sort things out after he cheated and you do the same as him then the relationship will be even harder to try and repair and trust gained.

I think you both have some long talks and open communication needed now.

I hope you can work things out. Take care.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

I was a lot happier when my parents split up. There have been studies done on children of divorced parents and they don't mesh with what you're saying. Children are better in a positive environment than one where their parents are always fighting. They can even get a psychological disease called "failure to thrive" which is basically where the negative energy in the house gets so bad that they can't even absorb nutrient properly and it starts physically killing them. That's even if you're feeding them correctly, taking care of their basic physical needs, etc. It's considered in many states (not here, because we're horrible people, but that's slowly changing) to be a form of child abuse.

"There are studies" which point to everything. So what. I can cite studies which state the opposite.

You have sleeping problems and are on psychiatric medication. No one in their right mind would point to you and hope their children end up the same. You aren't a success story when it comes to mental health. You are a cautionary tale. You have failed to thrive.

I agree that children are better off not being around fighting parents. That is why couples need to grow the fuck up, set boundaries between them, and get on with raising their children WITHOUT fighting.

Hell of a lot better than ending up raising a kid with mental problems.

 

[CandiCame]

"There are studies" which point to everything. So what. I can cite studies which state the opposite.

You have sleeping problems and are on psychiatric medication. No one in their right mind would point to you and hope their children end up the same. You aren't a success story when it comes to mental health. You are a cautionary tale. You have failed to thrive.

I agree that children are better off not being around fighting parents. That is why couples need to grow the fuck up, set boundaries between them, and get on with raising their children WITHOUT fighting.

Hell of a lot better than ending up raising a kid with mental problems.

Good luck with that in the states. Most mental health issues are hereditary, and then require triggers. My main problems are not from my upbringing. I had an amazing childhood with great grandparents. They come from a combination of genetics and my own bad decisions. I am a walking cautionary tale, but not for bad parenting.

 

[CandiCame]

wow that sounds like one scary lady.

I'm definitely not like that. The kids are happy and healthy. I've kept this anger and betrayal away from them because its best for them.

Seriously, 92??!!?? Gross.

Yeah, she was hard core. I really looked up to her. She had a tough life but she was never somebody you could keep down. She was awesome.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

Good luck with that in the states. Most mental health issues are hereditary, and then require triggers. My main problems are not from my upbringing. I had an amazing childhood with great grandparents. They come from a combination of genetics and my own bad decisions. I am a walking cautionary tale, but not for bad parenting.

Of course parenting played a role in how you became who you are now.

You don't want to believe that because you are really full of yourself. Who you are now is only based upon you, your actions, and unforeseen forces acting against you.

So very self involved, you are.

 

[CandiCame]

Of course parenting played a role in how you became who you are now.

You don't want to believe that because you are really full of yourself. Who you are now is only based upon you, your actions, and unforeseen forces acting against you.

So very self involved, you are.

Well that and I did have great parents. I was raised by my grandparents. My grandpa did, however, contribute to my self absorption and extreme vanity. I've never seen anyone more vain in my life. He was the one who would sit me down and be like, "Jesus Christ boy you look good. You got that jet black hair like Elvis. You're gonna be fighting the girls off." And if I started getting fat he'd be like, "Hey fat ass you need to work out! You look awful!". I got acne as a teen and he was all, "I don't care what you have to do, you get that shit off your face. Acid. Fire. You do what you gotta do." And then he started losing his hair and he's sit and reminisce about how hot he used to be. Poor guy. Aging sucks.

But his life lesson of self absorbed hypocrisy and vanity that trumps even the most basic physical safety precautions will live on in me and my brothers. A fitting memory. I say as if he's already dead. This is the grandpa I have to take to dialysis and shit. For anybody who also posted in that thread.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Now that would be enjoyable. I probably should've done that even before I discovered the affair.

There's merit in IrezumiKiss' suggestions... Take charge of the situation. Tell him what you've been telling us. Tell him you've seriously considered exacting revenge by having an affair yourself. Lay it all out there in the open... then figure it out together. It's all gotta get out in the open... what's on your mind, what you think, what he thinks; If you think you know what he thinks... w/o you asking a specific question and him answering it, then you don't know what he thinks. You only THINK you know. If he's supposed to know something about you by your behaviour, and not your words... he probably doesn't know what you think he's supposed to know. So tell him. Ask him. Listen and be honest... with yourself, too.
Think about the kind of couples relationship you and your husband currently model for your kids. Do you wish them to grow up not able to communicate lovingly, harbouring resentment..? Unable to discuss difficult or uncomfortable things? For instance, do you wish your daughter to marry a man who treats her as your husband treats you? Or... if your son had a wife who cheated on him to exact revenge for his earlier affair, would that make you proud?
Kids know more than we think. Always remember... "our children are watching us, they put their trust in us, they're gonna be like us... we can work it out, lovingly..." (Dixie Chicks-I Hope

 

[warrior queen]

My parents stayed together for the kids even though they hated each other. I am 100% grateful because as a result I grew up in a middle income household and got an education. Fuck "recent research". The purpose of marriage isn't to make you feel good everyday. It is forming a bond and building a family. All a couple has to do is be polite and respectful to each other while raising their kids. Every day isn't a trip to the circus.

The sentence in bold is the only really relevent one in a 'marriage of convenience'.
Very, very rarely do these types of marriages have this outcome.
Far more often, they are hostile, angry and disrespectful. And kids - even very young kids - pick up on that vibe.

I'm glad your parents managed it, rare as it is.

 

[CandiCame]

wow that sounds like one scary lady.

I'm definitely not like that. The kids are happy and healthy. I've kept this anger and betrayal away from them because its best for them.

Seriously, 92??!!?? Gross.

I was thinking about my mamaw, because I've been thinking about her a lot lately (she died around this time of year) and I've realized that a lot of people in her generation took cheating really seriously. Even tho they were really old. There are tons of elderly people who afraid that their spouse is going to cheat on them. And I find that odd. I'm only going from my experience, so it's in no way generalizable, but among people I know, it seems that the older people are, the more afraid they are that their partner is going to cheat. And that seems like it's the opposite of what it should be. If you've been together for 40 years, like some of these couples have, you should be pretty secure. It shouldn't be something that you're still worried about. You should be more worried about losing someone you've been with a few months, because you haven't built that level of trust yet. But if you've been in a committed relationship for decades and you still have those kinds of worries... I don't know. It's just really sad.

 

[4est_4est_Gump]

I'd assume that it was more than the one time with more than one partner, business or paid for...

 

[ChinaBandit]

Does the OP honestly believe her husband cheated just once? That's the funniest thing here.

 

[doowdniw]

To me, cheating is a major breach of trust, and once that trust is broken, it is hard, if not impossible, to regain.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. I would kick him to the curb and not look back. Particularly as it appears that he has a definite double standard. But that's just me.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

Well that and I did have great parents. I was raised by my grandparents. My grandpa did, however, contribute to my self absorption and extreme vanity. I've never seen anyone more vain in my life. He was the one who would sit me down and be like, "Jesus Christ boy you look good. You got that jet black hair like Elvis. You're gonna be fighting the girls off." And if I started getting fat he'd be like, "Hey fat ass you need to work out! You look awful!". I got acne as a teen and he was all, "I don't care what you have to do, you get that shit off your face. Acid. Fire. You do what you gotta do." And then he started losing his hair and he's sit and reminisce about how hot he used to be. Poor guy. Aging sucks.

But his life lesson of self absorbed hypocrisy and vanity that trumps even the most basic physical safety precautions will live on in me and my brothers. A fitting memory. I say as if he's already dead. This is the grandpa I have to take to dialysis and shit. For anybody who also posted in that thread.

Did you know your biological parents? Why didn't they raise you?

 

[IyaMemora]

Does the OP honestly believe her husband cheated just once? That's the funniest thing here.

You don't know my husband or the guilt and remorse he's feeling now.

So fuck you.

Everyone else...you guys are cool. I hope that we never have that marriage of fear. I think we'll make it as long as his own fear doesn't get to him.

 

[parodyluvr75]

I don't think he was being an ass on purpose. In my experience, if a mate cheats it's usually more than once. But I don't know your husband, so hopefully he won't and your faith isn't misplaced.