Choices: Calling off an engagement?

[NeonKnickers]

I've been in your fiancee's shoes.

Please, get far away from her. She will yell, cry, swear and probably throw things. Take all of your stuff, and decide in your mind that you will never contact her again. She might doubt herself and her instincts for a long, long time, and weddings will remind her of a painful time.

Eventually, she might be able to forgive you, and remember some of the good times you had together. Her dad will still want to give you a bloody nose. She will be forever thankful that the two of you never procreated. Her life will go on, so will yours. Spare her from you, walk away.

Spare her the details of your affair, but encourage her to get tested for whatever diseases you might be spreading around. You might want to check yourself out, too.

I'm usually not such a cold hearted jerk, I promise. You're brave for posting this and I'm sure you feel better about yourself for doing it. Please, do one selfless thing and leave the poor girl alone. It's come to the point where what's done is done. You need to hurt her more than anyone has, and erase yourself from her future so one day, someone worthwhile can join her.

Good luck, schmuck.

 

[culloden]

I've been in your fiancee's shoes.

Please, get far away from her. She will yell, cry, swear and probably throw things. Take all of your stuff, and decide in your mind that you will never contact her again. She might doubt herself and her instincts for a long, long time, and weddings will remind her of a painful time.

Eventually, she might be able to forgive you, and remember some of the good times you had together. Her dad will still want to give you a bloody nose. She will be forever thankful that the two of you never procreated. Her life will go on, so will yours. Spare her from you, walk away.

Spare her the details of your affair, but encourage her to get tested for whatever diseases you might be spreading around. You might want to check yourself out, too.

I'm usually not such a cold hearted jerk, I promise. You're brave for posting this and I'm sure you feel better about yourself for doing it. Please, do one selfless thing and leave the poor girl alone. It's come to the point where what's done is done. You need to hurt her more than anyone has, and erase yourself from her future so one day, someone worthwhile can join her.

Good luck, schmuck.

Ouch. But honest as the day is long.

 

[billrichards41]

Everyone is giving you descent advice.
Now find a relationship therapist and schedule time as a couple and as an individual, namely for you.
Don't make any decision until you speak to a person trained in relationships who can be objective.
Not your friends, not us.
Don't just jump because you are disgruntled.
Don't commit because you feel obligated.
Talk to a professional and get some ideas on how to go forward regardless of which way you go.
You are to close to the situation to make a good decision.
Your not doing anyone any favor by saying yes or no to anything, you are confused and need some good advice on how to handle this.
There is no shame in it and it will be the smartest way to go.
Otherwise all you will do is read this stuff, rationalize and maybe regret what you do.
Best of luck and really do yourself a favor and get help.

 

[Americophile]

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[SweetErika]

All,

Just in case anyone wanted to know what's happened.

After a few more long and even more sleepless nights than usual, I called off the wedding this morning as a precursor to having an honest conversation tonight with my fiancée which will lead to me moving out and the end of the relationship.

I'm not gong to tell her about the affair- no good will come of it.

Good for you for making the tough--but right--decision.

And this thread was about desperately wanting to get some outside views rather than making myself feel any better. I think it'll be a while before I get to have that last bit.

And that's how it should be. You should feel horrendous about your behavior in general and how you've treated your fiancee specifically. You will not feel as bad as your ex, but you ought to feel just awful, have plenty more sleepless nights, be mortified, etc. Hopefully that, and seeing even just a tiny slice of the pain your actions have caused (plus knowing what the knowledge of your cheating *would* do to her if she EVER found out [which means you need to keep it underwraps forever and wait an appropriate amount of time before you deem the hussy your "girlfriend"]) will keep you on the right track in the future.

The best you can do is try to make your ex as "whole" as possible by going without so the wedding bills aren't all on her/her family, plus likely giving her your common stuff. From there, move on with your life by dealing with your own issues thoroughly (e.g., Why did you ever allow cheating to be a possibility, nevermind actually happen over a long period of time, and wait until now to call it off? Why didn't you do the right thing by calling it off when you felt the need to be with the other woman?), learning from your mistakes, never repeating them, and behaving far, far better in the future. Work, work, work on yourself and do your absolute best to achieve karmic redemption, if you will.

Again, I absolutely commend you on making the right decision and saving your ex from more pain. At the same time, I hope you know that there's no excuse for how awfully you treated your ex, you suffer terribly for an appropriate amount of time and use this as a call to action to better yourself and take the ethical route in the future.

How is your ex doing? Have you made sure she has a support system in place to deal with this?

 

[Americophile]

Erika,

Yep to all of the above. This is one of those things that is supposed to happen other people and having been cheated on in the past, all I can say is "I know".

My ex is OK. She's got a close, strong and loving family behind her and some very good friends around her.

Hopefully some reassurance to you:
I don't expect or deserve to feel good for a while. All of this is my fault and it's worse for having not been a good enough person to deal with it out months ago.
Common stuff, it's all hers.
I'll be picking up more than my % of the bills (one could argue that it's all to me and if that's how it goes, I'll deal with that too).
The secret will go to the grave with me.
The other woman...assuming it ever goes anywhere (who knows), that'll be under wraps for a long, long time.
And yes, I've learnt a lot about myself and yes, I haven't liked everything that I've found.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Glad to see you made a good decision. I know it will be a tough recovery. And it's good to see you're accepting responsibility. You did wrong, but you're not asking for everyone to dote over you and tell you it's okay. That's a good sign.

Can I make a pretty wise suggestion (I realize that sounds arrogant)? But consider this... You've cheated with this other girl. The odds of the relationship lasting are slim to none. What you are feeling is excitement and NOT substance. I found myself tempted by a similar situation in the past. I never did anything, as I wouldn't do that to my wife. But there was a strong temptation. However, in the moment, it seemed like it would be amazing. And like this girl was awesome. Thousands of cold showers later and lots of time have opened my eyes. It would hav been a colossal mistake on many levels. I'm telling you this because I know you're not seeing her or the situation clearly.

 

[Ellafun]

Well...I want to say "good for you" or "congratulations", but that seems inappropriate. I guess I just want to say that I hope time heals all wounds for everyone involved.

 

[RobertBarre]

Pmann often gives excellent, concise analysis. And he's funny. Still, in this case, I disagree with him and the others who are waving you off the new girl. I always assumed that (for better or worse -- hopefully, better) you would end up moving in with the new girl. A romantic partner that you connect with -- really connect with -- on emotional, sexual, and intellectual levels is a rare and special thing. You are now going through a very rough patch in which a lot of people (including yourself, maybe) think ill of you. You are enduring this in no small part because of your faith in the truth of what you have with the new girl. And in the middle of this turmoil, who is the one person who understands you, cares about you, and empathises with you most? The new girl. I think it would take super-human resolve and emotional detachment to let go of her in these circumstances.

People break up with someone in order to be with someone else all the time. Every day. Usually, our conviction that the new relationship will be better (rather than just... newer) is an illusion since the real problem (i.e. ourself) carries forward. But not always. Sometimes we are better matched with the new person. There's only one way to find out, right?

p.s. Thank you for posting the epilogue

 

[Americophile]

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[Christopher2012]

Wow this thread is really sad. I don't have any experience with this (as most of you know), but I think it was a good move not telling her about the affair.

Good luck