choose who

[OhSoCurious]

I have gotten myself in a very confusing situation. I have been married for almost 7 years, and we have been together for 10. The marriage has been ok, but we seem to fight all of the time, and I never have felt appreciated. I have alot of resentment towards him for a few things in the past. We have three little boys which makes things more difficult. Recently I went out with some friends of mine and I ended up having to much to drink...well I ended up sleeping with a guy friend. This guy friend is quite a bit older, and I seem comfortable around him. So much so that I have seen him several times since this first incident. This guy friend asked that the kids and I move in with him. But he has also been alone for 6 years, so Im thinking mabe he is also wanting to make a rash decision. Well I told my husband that I wanted to leave him for this other person, and needless to say it did not go over well. Now after some deep thought I have come to the conclusion that I don't know what in the heck I want. I know I want the arguments to stop and I don't want to feel unhappy all of the time, but now I'm not so sure that any man is going to be the magic cure. At this point I'm thinking on just moving out on my own and growing up a bit before I make any other rash decisions. Possibly keeping my marriage until I know for sure that I want to throw 10 years away. How do I decide what to do? Anyone been in this type of situation before?

 

[emap]

Have you talked to your husband about the things you don't like?

Assuming you have and have been unable to make progress with or without a relationship therapist, move out on your own, with or without your kids. Don't get divorced, don't run to another guy, live alone.

Like you said you don't know what to do and that tends to be the best choice in those situations.

I'm pretty sure a few more people will come in and say what I just did with alot more words tacked on.

 

[footlongish]

Anyone been in this type of situation before?

Where do I start ! Search my posts. Lots to read there.

I'm a couple months into a similar situation. I didn't cheat though. That doesn't mean I didn't feel bad enough to want to ! I know exactly how you feel.

First of all, don't leave. You will feel terrible if you do. You owe it to him to give it a really good shot to make it work.

You have to fix the fighting first. That has to end. Read Gottman. You two have to learn to express yourself without hurting each other or creating more scars. You'll want to do this even if you decide to leave. Trust me.

Both of you need to read this and examine your "discussion" patterns. You have to be able to express yourselves/ resolve conflict without making things worse. That is step #1. Its absolutely no use to continue in the manner you have been. Trust me, I was there.
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Princip...3022/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-6761621-5627218?ie=UTF8

Once the fighting boils down and you can communicate, then its time to address what is wrong deeper in the relationship. If you are like a lot of people that post here about relationship issues, I'll bet there are intimacy issues. A marriage without intimacy is like being married to your best friend but having to be celibate !

Start with the fighting part. I'll talk about the rest once you are into that. Trust me that you will feel totally different about the relationship once the fighting ceases. You begin to see your partner in a different light. Its only then that you can start working on the deeper issues.

And if you've been fighting a lot, I'm sure there are deeper issues.

None of this happens overnight. You'll feel a lot better even when just the fighting stops. Its not instant romance/love or anything, but you won't be as quick to want to leave.

The other thing you need is someone to talk to. Someone you can tell EVERYTHING to. You can't keep that stuff inside and you'll need a sober second opinion as you go along. Preferrably from someone unrelated to your situation. Find someone that is in a good relationship and has maybe been around the block a few times.

Jumping into another relationship isn't going to fix things. Living by yourself isn't going to solve the issues between you and your hubby. You probably need to stay for a while and get to the bottom of things even if you do ultimately decide to leave.

 

[tanyachrs]

Choose you.

 

[Eilan]

Possibly keeping my marriage until I know for sure that I want to throw 10 years away.

Yes, but how does your husband feel about being used as a "safety net"?

My husband was married to a woman who did this to him twice because she knew that she'd always have him to go back to. Until one day he decided that he had better things to do than be her backup plan. Fortunately, they didn't have children.

Remember that your children will likely model their future relationships on what they grew up with. You choose whatever's best for your children, whether it's you and your husband working on your relationship together via counseling (or whatever) or the two of you going your separate ways.

 

[footlongish]

I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping the marriage together while the couple figures things out. If the husband doesn't like the situation he'll kick her out. Then she doesn't have a decision problem anymore. Until then I suggest the cheating should stop and the couple should work on the fighting and then the underlying issues.

When you get down to the issues, they will be resolvable or not. Then the couple can make a decision about staying together or not.

And I don't think that the relationship should stay together for the sake of the children. I'd guess that children of separated parents but still in a good family are better off than children of parents that stay together and hate each other.

Just my $0.02 from personal experience.

 

[LukkyKnight]

You can't win by running "to" somebody else, you have to figure out the marriage thing and deal with it, either by repair or ending it, then take some time before you can possibly be ready to admit another to an emotionally intimate relationship.

Choose you.

Pithy and eloquent, if perhaps so brief as to elicit a, "What does that mean?" from somebody struggling with questions. Still, spot on.

 

[webber1998]

I have gotten myself in a very confusing situation. I have been married for almost 7 years, and we have been together for 10. The marriage has been ok, but we seem to fight all of the time, and I never have felt appreciated. I have alot of resentment towards him for a few things in the past. We have three little boys which makes things more difficult. Recently I went out with some friends of mine and I ended up having to much to drink...well I ended up sleeping with a guy friend. This guy friend is quite a bit older, and I seem comfortable around him. So much so that I have seen him several times since this first incident. This guy friend asked that the kids and I move in with him. But he has also been alone for 6 years, so Im thinking mabe he is also wanting to make a rash decision. Well I told my husband that I wanted to leave him for this other person, and needless to say it did not go over well. Now after some deep thought I have come to the conclusion that I don't know what in the heck I want. I know I want the arguments to stop and I don't want to feel unhappy all of the time, but now I'm not so sure that any man is going to be the magic cure. At this point I'm thinking on just moving out on my own and growing up a bit before I make any other rash decisions. Possibly keeping my marriage until I know for sure that I want to throw 10 years away. How do I decide what to do? Anyone been in this type of situation before?

I could have a lot to say and opinions based upon my own experiences. Foot gives good advice, as do the others.

But the first thing that popped out at me, do you ~love~ your husband??

 

[groverty]

you need to stay.