Coffee... Nectar of the Gods?

[NoJo]

Test for a real (i.e. Italian) coffee bar.

1. Barrista wears a uniform and is Italian or Albanian.
2. Ask for "caffe" -- i.e. a generic coffee. You should get an espresso (see 3).
3. Espresso is about 1/2 inch of tepid coffee with no sharpness or bitterness. And it should blow your head off. If you want it hot, ask for it bolente.
4. Ask for espresso machiatto. You should get an espresso with a drop of cold, full-cream milk. If you want the milk hot, ask for it specifically.
5. Skimmed or semi-skimmed milk is not available.
6. The only people drinking Caffe Latte's after 9:00 am are foreigners.
7. Sfogliatelle and other italian pastries are made on the premises.
8. Ask for a panino (plural panini) with prosciutto. If it has butter, get the hell out of there. If you get Parma ham, they knew you were foreign.
9. Foamed milk should be the consistency of shaving foam, with the bubbles too small to be visible.
10. If you ask for a doppio, you'll get it, but they'll look at you like you're pazzo.

 

[Guest]

 

[Liar]

It's cow juice. I hear some rookies put it in their coffee.

Ok that didn't help much.

Thank god for foodsubs.com (gotta love that domain name)

half-and-half = half & half (10.5 - 18% fat) Substitutes: equal parts cream and milk OR evaporated milk OR 7/8 C milk + 1 ½ tablespoons butter or margarine

eww

 

[lucky-E-leven]

I'm the only person I know that doesn't drink coffee.

~lucky

 

[Guest]

Good post, Joe. The best espresso I ever had was in Venice, smooth and pure as liquid gold, not that I've had liquid gold, just a metaphor cos the coffee there makes you feel like a poet. Also had the best hot chocolate there too, so thick it's served with a little pitcher of hot milk.

Otherwise I drink tea all day long, very strong with milk and sugar (got the habit from my first husband who was Cockney). So far the best teas for me are Georgian, Persian and Yorkshire (really). On weekends I brew it like the Russians with a make-do samovar (pot of tea leaves kept hot over a steamer).

Perdita

 

[sirhugs]

I'd fill this space with something witty but first, I need more f*&%$#@ ing coffee.

 

[destinie21]

I love and need coffee so if any of you guys even think of touching my @#$%&#@ coffee someones going to get hurt.

fashioning a shank and eyeing my coffee

 

[gauchecritic]

I'm the only person I know that doesn't drink coffee.

~lucky

Now you know two.

Gauche

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

36th hour, 36 to go. 4th pot starting to wear off. Oh yeah, it's coffee time.

 

[Guest]

I love and need coffee so if any of you guys even think of touching my @#$%&#@ coffee someones going to get hurt.

fashioning a shank and eyeing my coffee

eyeballs shank and stealthily slinks away from coffee cup

just started the afternoon pot o' the day.
caffeine is very good for headaches yannow...

 

[CharleyH]

Ok that didn't help much.

Thank god for foodsubs.com (gotta love that domain name)

half-and-half = half & half (10.5 - 18% fat) Substitutes: equal parts cream and milk OR evaporated milk OR 7/8 C milk + 1 ½ tablespoons butter or margarine

eww

Hey, like I still have some 'resemblance' of a life to attend, you know.

Rookie? I GRIND, I BREW, I SWALLOW

Half and half = 10 per cent, 2% fat, 20 calories and the carton promises 'pure pleasure' (note: not Pure's pleasure).

It is thicker than the piss I refer to as skim milk, and thinner than whipped cream (see foodsubs.com. Oh, you already have).

But, you can take it any way you want it.

Um, ya.

 

[RenzaJones]

I miss coffee

 

[Guest]

Re. milk: An Irishman (tourist from Ireland, we've got lots of Irish settlers here) came into a cafe I frequent and asked for a latte or capp, don't recall. The counter girl asked what kind of milk?

Mick: What d'ya mean?
Girl: non-fat, 2%, whole, cream, soy.
Mick: Whot?! Milk is milk, how can it be 2% or 12%? I want real 100% milk, WTF?! Soy? That's not MILK!

Perdita

 

[rgraham666]

Back in my programming days I was a coffe fiend. Now it's just a cup in the morning and two in the afternoon.

However, I insist it must be perked. I'm the only person I know who still has a percolator.

 

[Liar]

Hey, like I still have some 'resemblance' of a life to attend, you know.

Rookie? I GRIND, I BREW, I SWALLOW

Half and half = 10 per cent, 2% fat, 20 calories and the carton promises 'pure pleasure' (note: not Pure's pleasure).

It is thicker than the piss I refer to as skim milk, and thinner than whipped cream (see foodsubs.com. Oh, you already have).

But, you can take it any way you want it.

Um, ya.

You have no idea how much innuendo I could read into this post. Or maybe you do.

Anyway, pure pleasure in a carton? There must be a staggering market for that.

Milk (like that Irish guy defined it - thanks for the story P.) and brown sugar can on occation trp and fall into my cup if I'm out on some diner. Never into my home brew though.

But really, who am I kidding? I'm in it for the drugs.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Maybe you can explain "real coffee" to us coffee heathens?

Real coffee isn't simply brewed or percolated.
Real coffee doesn't come in pots or mugs. It comes in inch-and-a-half-high ceramic cups.
Real coffee requires the exact same volume of freshly ground coffee beans as it does of water.
Real coffee doesn't come with milk or cream.
Real coffee will burn a hole right through the walls of your stomach if you drink any of it without eating first, or if you have more than three per day.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Real coffee isn't simply brewed or percolated.
Real coffee doesn't come in pots or mugs. It comes in inch-and-a-half-high ceramic cups.
Real coffee requires the exact same volume of freshly ground coffee beans as it does of water.
Real coffee doesn't come with milk or cream.
Real coffee will burn a hole right through the walls of your stomach if you drink any of it without eating first, or if you have more than three per day.

Thank you for the enlightenment.
I shall continue to drink my "coffee" the way I know how, but I appreciate the explanation.
~A~

 

[champagne1982]

I'm the only person I know that doesn't drink coffee.

~lucky

LOL our taste in beverages is the same too! I used to drink coffee, until a friend explained that he hated the taste of coffee on lips and tongue and could live without the taste. .. All this from a guy who smoked? Anyway, I gave up coffee, he gave up tobacco and we're both better for it, (especially?) since we wound up giving up each other.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

If I don't drink coffe, I'll have a migraine. I'm addicted to the stuff.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you for the enlightenment.
I shall continue to drink my "coffee" the way I know how, but I appreciate the explanation.
~A~

You're welcome.

And hi, Abs!

 

[ABSTRUSE]

You're welcome.

And hi, Abs!

Hello to you too, Lauren.

 

[CharleyH]

You have no idea how much innuendo I could read into this post. Or maybe you do.

I thought I was being blatant

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I thought I was being blatant

Could it be the lack of half of half?
I was forced to use non'dairy creamer

 

[The_old_man]

I started drinking perked coffie in 1932.

In 1947 I was forsably shifted to drip, with evaporated milk and sugar. When I got out of boot camp I droped the milk.

By 1998 I was up to 10 to 12, 10 ounce mugs, a day. The Dr. demanded that I cut way back. I now drink only enough to prevent withdrawal headackes, 4 to 5 mugs a day.

Espresso is OK, but the best is Jamacan brewed In the African mode, one tbl powdered bean in a 2 ounce cup, fill cup with boiling water, stir, when the grounds settle, drink.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

That reminds me. Jamaican is terrific, but any and all South-American coffee (Brazilian, Colombian) is crap. No way to get around that...