Confessions: What are yours? (part 2)

[crashD]

ITC I missed my LIT friends
ITC I m back, even it won't be every day….
ITC glad to be in remission once again, F*** the big C
ITC HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

ICT all your friends are super happy you're in remission

ICT we're happy you're back.

ICT this is a good easter present!!

 

[debbiev]

my confession

i know i'm an outsider in this thread and group and never posted here....and i always fear groups that have that bond already...i mean i know i'm ripe to be ripped apart and laughed at until i hide and feel like crawling under a rock. but i was told to post here...to explain....

my confession....

i have had sexual experiences that i am not proud of. currently i am being helped by someone who has recommended that i publicly expose what i did. this should help cure me of the guilt and sexual recklessness that i have experienced in my life. it's a form of penance and a way for me to achieve absolution. i am writing this true story because i need to do this publicly to close this sordid chapter of my life. while i have done many other sexual things i am not proud of, this one is probably one of the worse. recently i have been faithful to my boyfriend and have no intentions of repeating any of my past sexual incidents.

as instructed.....for my penance....here is what happened when i had a party at my apt about 3 years ago. please understand that this is very difficult for me to write knowing that this will be public. i beg anyone that comments to be gentle and not cast stones at me. i also request that any one who knows me here...and i know there are many as i have been on lit for 10 years...that i no longer do sexual things like this. announcing what i did publicly is almost as humiliating then the incident itself. understand this is very difficult for me.


here is what i did....

it was around 2 am and my party was winding down....it was a fun party but it was getting late. so it was just me and 3 other guys. we were sitting in a semi circle on the floor and one guy mentioned that i implied earlier that night that i like being tied up. i had mentioned that earlier....i tend to say things i shouldn't sometimes. but him bringing it up at this point made me think....i mean these were just friends i know....nothing sexual....but was this gonna turn sexual?

suddenly the same guy says that he wanted to play a game. he offered me money if i would agree to remove my top. yes we had all been drinking....but i figured why not? so i did and took his money. then he offered a more money if i agreed to be tied to my bed naked. i told him there is no way i would do that. but then he offered a lot more money...and i decided to compromise and i agreed to be tied as long as my panties remain on. they all promised they would honor my request. i trusted them as i have known two of them for years and the other one for a few months. they never did anything weird or sexual to me or anyone else i knew....so i felt kind of safe. plus i admit it was exciting, i loved the attention and it made me feel really sexy.

i removed my jeans, shoes and socks and laid on my bed on my back. i had rope in my nightstand...told you i liked being tied so yes i have done it before, but never with more than one guy. they tied my ankles to the corners of my bed and my wrists to my headboard. i was tied very tight. at this point lots of thoughts were going through my head from...i felt kind of sexy with them all standing over me staring at my body and commenting how hot i look. yet other thoughts going through my head were....debbie this is probably a really stupid thing you are doing....you could get gang raped.

anyway when they got the rope out of my nightstand they also got my bullet vibrator. the one guy....the one who had this idea...started using the vibrator on me. i was like...please don't use that on me....no...please. but he did anyway...on the outside of my panties. it felt good and i began to get wet....very wet. i was feeling totally embarrassed as the one guy continued masturbating me through my panties. they could see that i was getting wet as my dampness was now showing through. then they announced it...i felt totally embarrassed that they could see i was excited...but i also have to admit it was exciting and i felt so sexy as they were all staring and commenting on how hot i looked.

however once they saw i was very excited it changed....one of them unzipped his jeans and put it by my face....it was around my lips....and i then opened my mouth. i knew at this point this whole situation was getting out of control....but with me totally excited and the guy still holding the bullet on high and against my panties i wasn't thinking straight and i sucked that guy until he came in my mouth. i swallowed it as i didn't have much choice on my back and him over me. he held my head tightly and he left it in my mouth until he was done cumming.

then the second guy did the same thing....and he came in my mouth too as the vibrator was still against my panties. as i was sucking the second guy i was so close to cumming....and yes it felt amazing....i admit it....i know that sounds like i'm a total slut, but it felt fucking amazing.

well after i swallowed the second guys cum they backed off and concentrated on me squirming as the other guy continuing to masturbate me. they pointed out how my panties were wet and how ready i was to be fucked. although they didn't quite say it like that...it was much nastier....like "the bitch is ready for a fucking cock". but at that point i didn't care....i was no longer thinking correctly....i know that.

at that point the third guy...the one who was masturbating me the whole time unzipped his jeans and got on top of me. he moved my panties to the side and entered me. he fucked me. as soon as he entered me i came. i mean i was so close for such a long time that it didn't take much to put me over the edge. and being fucked after that build up felt fucking awesome....i admit it. and being bound on my bed just made it more intense. anyway he then cums inside me....he was pretty quick...maybe 30 seconds...but i only needed like 5 seconds and i released. god i sound like such a whore. but at that point i didn't care about anything but just wanted to cum. i'm sorry this sounds so disgustingly pathetic but i absolutely loved it.

he pulls out and the three of them stand around me....leaving me tied up. so there i am tied and freshly fucked on my bed. my panties completely saturated as they moved back over me. one of the guys pushes his finger into me and they all laugh when all the cum soaks my panties even more. them slapping each other five, laughing and cheering like they won some sporting event. the one guy pokes his finger into my panties again and leaves it there....like it's a big joke.

at that point it was no longer sexual as they were now laughing at me. so i screamed for them to untie me....i was totally pissed. they did untie me...but now they are calling me nasty names. i then kicked them out of my apt.

i was very hurt afterwards because of how they treated me....why couldn't we just have had fun and sex?...but no they wanted to turn me into a disgusting whore...that bothered me a lot after.

very hard to explain but i felt like shit for a long time after that happened....and worse is that i had to face these guys sometimes at parties and other places i hung out. i knew they told a lot of other people and so every time i went out people knew what i did. it was extremely humiliating. i think the girls were harsher on me than the guys....which i thought was odd....but a couple of them implied i was a disgusting slut and looked at me like i was contaminated.

i moved to another apt a few miles from them about a year later and have only crossed paths with one of them since...so that is good. my two true girl friends have stuck by me. so that is good. but i guess the lesson here is think with your head and not any other part of you. i admit it was my fault and while it felt good while it was happening the consequences i suffered afterwards are not worth it.

i hope going public with this is good enough to serve as a proper penance and give me absolution. i know some of you will laugh at that thought but this incident and a couple others have bothered me for years and i need to do something to cure my negative thoughts from this.

again...please be kind....if anything i need your support and encouragement. thank you.

 

[ffdan]

ICT The more I look at Sassyshedevils ass, the more I want to look.

 

[Beth87]

Debbie, I recommend you find a board for rape survivors - where you can talk in a safer environment than the completely public forum here. If you say no, that's rape. You can't help it if your body becomes aroused to stimulation. And you don't need to sexualise the story/try to shame yourself as a penance. If someone is asking you to do that then they aren't healthy to be around. Pm me if you'd like some links to healthy forums

 

[Superman2008]

Debbie, I recommend you find a board for rape survivors - where you can talk in a safer environment than the completely public forum here. If you say no, that's rape. You can't help it if your body becomes aroused to stimulation. And you don't need to sexualise the story/try to shame yourself as a penance. If someone is asking you to do that then they aren't healthy to be around. Pm me if you'd like some links to healthy forums

Agreed.

 

[debbiev]

i truly didn't think it was rape at all. i would hate to go into a forum or support group with what happened to me. i mean some girls were truly raped...forcibly... and i feel really bad for them....i don't want to go in with my lame situation which was over 90% consent and pretend it's even close to what they went through.

i feel i brought it on myself....and i know i'm guilty of that. the guys might be partially to blame but i just can't just point a finger at them and say it's their fault....and i'm little miss innocent. i'm just not that kind of person.

i do appreciate the suggestion and thank you for caring about me.

 

[Inspirinious]

ITC I missed my LIT friends
ITC I m back, even it won't be every day….
ITC glad to be in remission once again, F*** the big C
ITC HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

The news many of us have been waiting for. You put a smile on many faces.

 

[LizVegas79]

ICT I logged on here this morning to post in the Making Him Cum in His Pants thread, but that was over an hour ago!

 

[BradBigBrain]

i truly didn't think it was rape at all. i would hate to go into a forum or support group with what happened to me. i mean some girls were truly raped...forcibly... and i feel really bad for them....i don't want to go in with my lame situation which was over 90% consent and pretend it's even close to what they went through.

i feel i brought it on myself....and i know i'm guilty of that. the guys might be partially to blame but i just can't just point a finger at them and say it's their fault....and i'm little miss innocent. i'm just not that kind of person.

i do appreciate the suggestion and thank you for caring about me.

Even though you may not think it was rape, you seem to be experiencing the same emotions that are expressed by rape victims. Going to a counselling session or two can't hurt, I believe. It could only help, IMO.

Welcome to this thread.

 

[BradBigBrain]

ICT I logged on here this morning to post in the Making Him Cum in His Pants thread, but that was over an hour ago!

And I have yet to Jizz in my Pants.

 

[ClaudeBalls]

i truly didn't think it was rape at all. i would hate to go into a forum or support group with what happened to me. i mean some girls were truly raped...forcibly... and i feel really bad for them....i don't want to go in with my lame situation which was over 90% consent and pretend it's even close to what they went through.

i feel i brought it on myself....and i know i'm guilty of that. the guys might be partially to blame but i just can't just point a finger at them and say it's their fault....and i'm little miss innocent. i'm just not that kind of person.

i do appreciate the suggestion and thank you for caring about me.

Not that you need me to state the obvious, but you need to be very careful about the situations you put yourself in esp when alcohol is involved. I know you said you knew these guys and at least trusted them on some level, but if nothing else they took advantage of you when your guard was down. I hope you will take care of yourself, Debbie and be very careful in the future.

Regardless...try not to beat yourself up about it for that won't change anything. All you can do at this point is learn from it and move forward...

 

[Planetbeat]

ICT I am sitting here, headphones on and listening to music just wishing she was with me

 

[whynotjustsayit]

i was very hurt afterwards because of how they treated me....why couldn't we just have had fun and sex?...but no they wanted to turn me into a disgusting whore...that bothered me a lot after.

ICT I don't understand and never will understand some men's need to denigrate and disdain women for being as sexual as they are. It makes me sick, really. It's a most disgusting and infuriating kind of hypocrisy.

 

[Lustful_Intentions]

ICT I don't understand and never will understand some men's need to denigrate and disdain women for being as sexual as they are. It makes me sick, really. It's a most disgusting and infuriating kind of hypocrisy.

ICT I am literally having a conversation with a female friend about this via email right now, and, as someone who considers himself pretty progressive, etc, I find this fact, in 2015, so fucking infuriating.

 

[Beth87]

i truly didn't think it was rape at all. i would hate to go into a forum or support group with what happened to me. i mean some girls were truly raped...forcibly... and i feel really bad for them....i don't want to go in with my lame situation which was over 90% consent and pretend it's even close to what they went through.

i feel i brought it on myself....and i know i'm guilty of that. the guys might be partially to blame but i just can't just point a finger at them and say it's their fault....and i'm little miss innocent. i'm just not that kind of person.

i do appreciate the suggestion and thank you for caring about me.

Firstly, there's no such thing as rape vs forcible rape. Ignore the politicians. Rape by definition involves force. This can be physical, mental, bribery or because you cannot escape or consent ie drink/drugs

You said no and they ignored, that's rape. You were tied down and couldn't fight back, let alone escape. You were then forcibly stimulated - orgasm in rape is possible and actually quite common. Focussing on the sexual feelings rather than the fearful situation is also a common defence mechanism. Which you wouldn't have to do if you weren't being raped - or there had been other options available. I mean, what could you do when you're tied down? Shut down, comply or injure yourself straining against ties/or them becoming violent to keep you quiet.

Contrary to a lot media on this, when the abuser is known to us, we don't always know it's rape straight away..there is often a lot of "I don't want to make a fuss, after all they wouldn't hurt me" "I'm being melodramatic"

Why are you to blame exactly? For letting them tie you up? Kinky play between friends is okay. You felt safe and that your boundaries would be listened to. No one goes into something thinking, hey I really want to have my wishes ignored today. I really want to be humiliated and made to feel like a piece of shit.

You might not be ready to call it rape, that takes time. But I do know that the groups I'm aware of would want to support you and they wouldn't judge you. There isn't a hierarchy in this and everyone deserves to heal

 

[Beth87]

Ict it really pisses me off when the first response people can think of is to remind someone how they should or shouldn't behave to avoid "bringing on" rape.

Women are allowed to trust men and expect that they respect them in return. Maybe you need to watch that YouTube video on what happens when a safe guy takes a drunk/comatose girl home. I'll give you a spoiler..he just covers her up and let's her sleep. But if that same guy thought "hey sex is totally what this girl needs" all she would hear is, well if you didn't get drunk, you wouldn't be raped.

Bollocks

 

[allstarhockeynut]

ICT I am grateful that he doesn't blame the messenger.
IACT I fear the other one does.
IFCT it's rough juggling lovers. (Not that I want to give them up!)

ITC I missed my LIT friends
ITC I m back, even it won't be every day….
ITC glad to be in remission once again, F*** the big C
ITC HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

ICT I am happy you are back, even if not every day
IACT you kick the big C ass

 

[debbiev]

Beth...Lustful....whynot...Claude and Brad....thank you so much for your comments to me. you guys are amazing. i was so nervous to post what i did.....just so afraid i would be looked at differently....even laughed at and made fun of. i mean i don't know you guys but i do know others on lit....and posting that was very very difficult.

i am glad i posted it now....and i will consider all of your advice. i totally appreciate your advice...but i think your support has helped even more. i even got private messages giving me support. you have no idea how much i appreciate that encouragement. i feel like a new woman....so much stronger.

you are all amazing people. thank you.

 

[Beth87]

I'm so glad you are getting the support you need and deserve I think you're amazingily brave to share with us, especially with not knowing many of us or how we would react.

Sitting with you

 

[iamincognito45]

ICT it confuses me that THIS is not the normal response and attitude of all...

Ict it really pisses me off when the first response people can think of is to remind someone how they should or shouldn't behave to avoid "bringing on" rape.

Women are allowed to trust men and expect that they respect them in return. Maybe you need to watch that YouTube video on what happens when a safe guy takes a drunk/comatose girl home. I'll give you a spoiler..he just covers her up and let's her sleep. But if that same guy thought "hey sex is totally what this girl needs" all she would hear is, well if you didn't get drunk, you wouldn't be raped.

Bollocks

High five for you Beth!

Trust and respect are the most fundamental bedrocks of civility. Whether we are talking about married couples, dating couples, or complete strangers. I cannot fathom how anyone can imagine anything beyond the most casual 'hello' without them. They represent the foundation for all growth, exploration and bountiful rewards one finds as a result of such simple and basic of tenets.

But then again... What do I know... Maybe it was just the way I was raised...

 

[rod43]

ICT I hope you stay strong Debbie and thanks for sharing with us. Kudos to Beth for her great advice!

 

[JennyNo1]

Beth...Lustful....whynot...Claude and Brad....thank you so much for your comments to me. you guys are amazing. i was so nervous to post what i did.....just so afraid i would be looked at differently....even laughed at and made fun of. i mean i don't know you guys but i do know others on lit....and posting that was very very difficult.

i am glad i posted it now....and i will consider all of your advice. i totally appreciate your advice...but i think your support has helped even more. i even got private messages giving me support. you have no idea how much i appreciate that encouragement. i feel like a new woman....so much stronger.

you are all amazing people. thank you.

The first thing that strikes me about what you've told us is that you are "currently ... being helped (????) by someone who has recommended that i publicly expose what i did. this should help cure me of the guilt and sexual recklessness that i have experienced in my life. it's a form of penance and a way for me to achieve absolution." Please, please, RUN away from this person and get yourself to a professional therapist. If you consider this person a friend, I think you need to think again. Publicly exposing what you did to a forum of people you know nothing about is not going to really help, no matter how supportive we want to be. I don't think anyone here is a qualified therapist, and any advice we can give could be counterproductive. Telling you you need to do "penance" and "achieve absolution"??? That's total bullshit. As others have said here, you have nothing to be guilty about. Unless there is consent at all times in a situation like this, then it IS rape, and the guilty ones are the guys. As Beth87 said....bollocks.

 

[LizVegas79]

ICT I just accidentally deleted every single PM in my Inbox today. Oops!

 

[justashygirl]

ICT I've been digging myself into a deeper hole.

 

[Inspirinious]

ICT I should resume work on our income taxes.

IACT I started on our taxes in January, then realized that we will owe money, and stopped.