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Confessions: What Are Yours? Part IV

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ICT most days I'm getting out my bed in obligation to others. I'm just worn out.

IACT nothing will stop me from meeting those obligations. Double edged sword here. :/
 
Ict I still have this fantasy of being watched on cam by a woman while I masturbate.
 
I'm going to do a real, legitimate confession here because I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to.

ICT I have serious anger issues, that counseling and pills are no longer helping, and that I never feel okay anymore. I take my anger out on others who don't deserve it, and I do that because when I pick a fight and get angry, I at least feel something. Today, I had a bad day - I woke up in a poor mood and it never lifted. Work was productive, but I was annoyed I had to be there, and by 4pm I was over it all. The guy I am seeing is ten years older than me and he works nights. I had him come over after work, before he went to his job, and then basically ignored him, picked a fight, and then told him, "Look, if you came here to fuck me, get it over with and go to work, because I have better things to do." I did this knowing he would do just that, and I proceeded to let him take me hard, for his own pleasure, because I could get as angry as I wanted, and do nothing but lay there and get used. I let him do awful things to me, which both get me off and repulse me. And somehow, that always feels okay because I always think that's what I deserve, and at least I feel something again. And when he left, I laid there crying for over an hour. I'm in this cycle of self-hatred and loathing that never ends, and I'm getting older and see no good in my future. It upsets me, and I get angry, and I do these things, and get upset, then angry, again and again.....

I'm sad but can't feel sadness. I'm lonely when I'm not alone. And I worry how everything ends. Lately, it has been fucking constant, never ending hopelessness, and I just can't keep it in me tonight. I suppose ICT I'm not in a good place tonight.
 
CarnivalBarker said:
I'm going to do a real, legitimate confession here because I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to.

ICT I have serious anger issues, that counseling and pills are no longer helping, and that I never feel okay anymore. I take my anger out on others who don't deserve it, and I do that because when I pick a fight and get angry, I at least feel something. Today, I had a bad day - I woke up in a poor mood and it never lifted. Work was productive, but I was annoyed I had to be there, and by 4pm I was over it all. The guy I am seeing is ten years older than me and he works nights. I had him come over after work, before he went to his job, and then basically ignored him, picked a fight, and then told him, "Look, if you came here to fuck me, get it over with and go to work, because I have better things to do." I did this knowing he would do just that, and I proceeded to let him take me hard, for his own pleasure, because I could get as angry as I wanted, and do nothing but lay there and get used. I let him do awful things to me, which both get me off and repulse me. And somehow, that always feels okay because I always think that's what I deserve, and at least I feel something again. And when he left, I laid there crying for over an hour. I'm in this cycle of self-hatred and loathing that never ends, and I'm getting older and see no good in my future. It upsets me, and I get angry, and I do these things, and get upset, then angry, again and again.....

I'm sad but can't feel sadness. I'm lonely when I'm not alone. And I worry how everything ends. Lately, it has been fucking constant, never ending hopelessness, and I just can't keep it in me tonight. I suppose ICT I'm not in a good place tonight.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry that you had a bad day, it sounds like you are in a tough place at the moment but it will get better, a lot of us are here to listen and I'm glad you shared, thank you
*hugs*
 
CarnivalBarker said:
I'm going to do a real, legitimate confession here because I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to.

ICT I have serious anger issues, that counseling and pills are no longer helping, and that I never feel okay anymore. I take my anger out on others who don't deserve it, and I do that because when I pick a fight and get angry, I at least feel something. Today, I had a bad day - I woke up in a poor mood and it never lifted. Work was productive, but I was annoyed I had to be there, and by 4pm I was over it all. The guy I am seeing is ten years older than me and he works nights. I had him come over after work, before he went to his job, and then basically ignored him, picked a fight, and then told him, "Look, if you came here to fuck me, get it over with and go to work, because I have better things to do." I did this knowing he would do just that, and I proceeded to let him take me hard, for his own pleasure, because I could get as angry as I wanted, and do nothing but lay there and get used. I let him do awful things to me, which both get me off and repulse me. And somehow, that always feels okay because I always think that's what I deserve, and at least I feel something again. And when he left, I laid there crying for over an hour. I'm in this cycle of self-hatred and loathing that never ends, and I'm getting older and see no good in my future. It upsets me, and I get angry, and I do these things, and get upset, then angry, again and again.....

I'm sad but can't feel sadness. I'm lonely when I'm not alone. And I worry how everything ends. Lately, it has been fucking constant, never ending hopelessness, and I just can't keep it in me tonight. I suppose ICT I'm not in a good place tonight.
Click to expand...

I am sorry to hear you are in such a bad place. I don't know that I have any answers for you, but I am willing to listen if you want to talk. PM me any time. I wonder if it is time for a different counselor, if the current one isn't working. It also sounds to me that the current boyfriend is making things worse. If he is willing to do, as you put it, "awful things to you," perhaps he is part of the problem. I hope things get better. *hug*
 
CarnivalBarker said:
I'm going to do a real, legitimate confession here because I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to.

ICT I have serious anger issues, that counseling and pills are no longer helping, and that I never feel okay anymore. I take my anger out on others who don't deserve it, and I do that because when I pick a fight and get angry, I at least feel something. Today, I had a bad day - I woke up in a poor mood and it never lifted. Work was productive, but I was annoyed I had to be there, and by 4pm I was over it all. The guy I am seeing is ten years older than me and he works nights. I had him come over after work, before he went to his job, and then basically ignored him, picked a fight, and then told him, "Look, if you came here to fuck me, get it over with and go to work, because I have better things to do." I did this knowing he would do just that, and I proceeded to let him take me hard, for his own pleasure, because I could get as angry as I wanted, and do nothing but lay there and get used. I let him do awful things to me, which both get me off and repulse me. And somehow, that always feels okay because I always think that's what I deserve, and at least I feel something again. And when he left, I laid there crying for over an hour. I'm in this cycle of self-hatred and loathing that never ends, and I'm getting older and see no good in my future. It upsets me, and I get angry, and I do these things, and get upset, then angry, again and again.....

I'm sad but can't feel sadness. I'm lonely when I'm not alone. And I worry how everything ends. Lately, it has been fucking constant, never ending hopelessness, and I just can't keep it in me tonight. I suppose ICT I'm not in a good place tonight.
Click to expand...

ICT while I have no good advice to share, I too am willing to listen should you need an ear. HGS
 
CarnivalBarker said:
I'm going to do a real, legitimate confession here because I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to.

ICT I have serious anger issues, that counseling and pills are no longer helping, and that I never feel okay anymore. I take my anger out on others who don't deserve it, and I do that because when I pick a fight and get angry, I at least feel something. Today, I had a bad day - I woke up in a poor mood and it never lifted. Work was productive, but I was annoyed I had to be there, and by 4pm I was over it all. The guy I am seeing is ten years older than me and he works nights. I had him come over after work, before he went to his job, and then basically ignored him, picked a fight, and then told him, "Look, if you came here to fuck me, get it over with and go to work, because I have better things to do." I did this knowing he would do just that, and I proceeded to let him take me hard, for his own pleasure, because I could get as angry as I wanted, and do nothing but lay there and get used. I let him do awful things to me, which both get me off and repulse me. And somehow, that always feels okay because I always think that's what I deserve, and at least I feel something again. And when he left, I laid there crying for over an hour. I'm in this cycle of self-hatred and loathing that never ends, and I'm getting older and see no good in my future. It upsets me, and I get angry, and I do these things, and get upset, then angry, again and again.....

I'm sad but can't feel sadness. I'm lonely when I'm not alone. And I worry how everything ends. Lately, it has been fucking constant, never ending hopelessness, and I just can't keep it in me tonight. I suppose ICT I'm not in a good place tonight.
Click to expand...

ICT I've encountered other women going through what you've just described and I hope you can find yourself through to the place that you want to be in your life.
 
CarnivalBarker said:
I'm going to do a real, legitimate confession here because I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to.

ICT I have serious anger issues, that counseling and pills are no longer helping, and that I never feel okay anymore. I take my anger out on others who don't deserve it, and I do that because when I pick a fight and get angry, I at least feel something. Today, I had a bad day - I woke up in a poor mood and it never lifted. Work was productive, but I was annoyed I had to be there, and by 4pm I was over it all. The guy I am seeing is ten years older than me and he works nights. I had him come over after work, before he went to his job, and then basically ignored him, picked a fight, and then told him, "Look, if you came here to fuck me, get it over with and go to work, because I have better things to do." I did this knowing he would do just that, and I proceeded to let him take me hard, for his own pleasure, because I could get as angry as I wanted, and do nothing but lay there and get used. I let him do awful things to me, which both get me off and repulse me. And somehow, that always feels okay because I always think that's what I deserve, and at least I feel something again. And when he left, I laid there crying for over an hour. I'm in this cycle of self-hatred and loathing that never ends, and I'm getting older and see no good in my future. It upsets me, and I get angry, and I do these things, and get upset, then angry, again and again.....

I'm sad but can't feel sadness. I'm lonely when I'm not alone. And I worry how everything ends. Lately, it has been fucking constant, never ending hopelessness, and I just can't keep it in me tonight. I suppose ICT I'm not in a good place tonight.
Click to expand...

I've been in that terrible place myself - hope what I PM'd you helps even in the tiniest of ways.
:rose:
 
I met a French girl at a club. We went back to her place. I was laying on her bed as she was on top of my dick Fucking me well. I noticed a very young girl staring st us through the ground level window. She was watching us Fucking and she was wiite young. I took no action To stop. Later I felt badly. Hope I didn't injure her little ego. I find myself masturbating thinking of coming on her face abd on her tits. I am not an e I'm man. It was very erotic.
 
I confess a young Young girl saw my eleven in h hard dick. She was quite taken With itb
 
ICT it was a scary feeling posting in a pic thread but also kind of exciting.
 
36524 said:
I confess that in all of our 9 years together, we've only used condoms twice. Both times were pretty painful experiences for him.
Click to expand...

ICT this is an excellent comment and that yes condoms can be painful which shouldn't be the case.
 
ICT cleaning some space in my PM's was easier than I thought because a lot of the PM's I was saving were from people who haven't been on Lit in one or two years or I was saving them because of the links inside them but the links are now dead.

IACT I came across several Lit'ers who I miss chatting with :heart:
 
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